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Loss Of Two Within 10 Months

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This is my first time on this board and am a little nervous. I did respond to Peggy because I can relate to her. My story started with the diagnosis of my mother's cancer end of June/05. She chose no treatment and died with six weeks at home. She had had a melanoma on her leg 8 years previously and it returned in her lung and liver. I was devastated and felt that this was the worse I could ever feel. She was accepting of her death and was ready to die, she was 75. My sisters , I and dad cared for her at home with the help of comcare - a community group that care for people, not just with cancer, but that want treatment at home and not in the hospital.It was very hard to see her wasting away and the first time she could not get out of bed and had to use her "depends" a kind of diaper i guess, it tore me apart. One month after she died, Aug 15/05, my husband Rick went to the Dr. for a completely different thing but was given a chest xray and a month, Oct 28/05, later was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer--it had spread to the lining of his lung. We knew that meant he would die from this but were hopeful that chemo would buy him a little more time. His chemo Dr. had a patient that lived for 4 years. We never asked how long, I guess we didn't want to face that fact and lose any hope we did have. The cancer had also spread to his bones in a few spots. His first 5 chemos were bearable for him and for the last two weeks of every month he didn't feel too bad. This chemo was changed as it didn't have the effect the Dr wanted. The next two chemos were tough. He couldn't really eat anything for at least 5 weeks. He was 57 and when he looked in the mirror said he looked like an 80 yer old man and he did. I knew how sick he was getting but he kept saying that this was just a bump in the road and we'ed get through. I kept my thought to myself, I couldn't take his hope away. He said it couldn't be his time yet--he had so much yet to do and didn't want to leave me. He tied so hard to stay but he died June 18/06--father' day. He died at home after just speaking with me a few minutes before. I was expecting that we would have to go through everything we did with mom so it took all of us by surprise- even his Dr and chemo nurses. I knew he was dying when I looked into his eyes,I got in bed wih him and held on so tight, I thought maybe that would keep him with me. I thought that I was coming along as well as I could expect. I was doing all the right things--had a grief coucillor, attended a support group and took an excellent course on grieving for the first year on line. My mind understands that I'm doing what I,m supposed to do but my heart doesn't. I am going through a bad period now I had been on an anti-depressant and had to change. This means a tapering off (actually quite quickly - 2 weeks to go from 225 of effexor to none) and then start a new one, slowly of course. I have only had the new one for less than a week but it gives me nightmares. I am back to crying all the time -I just feel right back at the beginning. The future seems endlessly bleak and it's hard to live alone , as I had never done it. Rick and I were married for 35 years and had been together for 5 before that. I am only 55 and feel so little hope for the future. I know that we all grieve differently and don't like to talk to my family, 2 kids, 2 sisters and my dad. They are also grieving the loss of two very important people. My dad feels especially bad because he thinks dad's should be able to fix everything for their kids. I really need to come to this site I have read some of the postings and you all are so understanding and caring. My support group only has 2 more meetings and only one of my friends has lost their spouse. I feel that only those who have gone through this truly understand. I hate it when people say they know how I feel but they can't possibly. I just smile and tell them to enjoy every minute they can wih their spouse while they have them. I don't want any of them to join this "club" for a long while. They are the ones who say you should be over this by now. They will one day learn that the hurt is too deep and that you do not get over it but have to work and find your way through. Your way, your time not anyone elses. Sometime it feels that the work is just too hard. Thanks for listening to me Jane

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Missing Rick - We DO understand!! I lost my wonderful husband a little over 2 years ago, from lung cancer and he was just 46 years old. We had been together for almost 21 years. He was diagnosed 9/27 (with stage 4) and I lost him 11/16. Very quick! We, also, thought it was something we could get through....guess not. He just got thinner and thinner until finally his body just couldn't take it anymore. He had been diagnosed with Systemic Scleroderma (autoimmune disease)a couple of years before, but he had had this disease for years.

You are absolutely right - no one has any idea what it is like to lose someone you loved so dearly until they experience it. People THINK they "understand", but they haven't a clue! It's a long journey, but we are all here to help. We would LOVE to help you through, now or when you get done with your grief counseling. We don't judge, we are just here to listen and give you some comfort.

Please be sure to come back...whenever you want. My heart truly does go out to you!!!! Hugs and you will be in my thoughts.


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Missing Rick, I am sorry to find you here but you are joining a group of caring understanding people. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and then you husband and I do understand. I lost my mother March 16, 2005 and then my husband June 11, 2005. My husband had CHF and had been very sick for some time. I had no time to grieve my mother's passing. I was fighting for my husband's life. My Father wanted to take care of me even as he was grieving but I needed to be alone. It took a while for him to understand and I live 3 hours away. He could not spare me from my grief. This is the hardest thing I've ever known. Only those who are on this journey can understand the pain, the grief. And there is no way to explain it to anyone who has not had to live with this emptiness. I am 58 and still trying to find my way. Most days I just let time pass by.

Consider us you support group when you need a hand to hold on to. We all travel differently but we travel together. I could not have gotten this far without this group. Each one has been a life-line for me. We all grieve together..each to ourselves and for each other. We all listen and understand.

Peace is all I wish for all of us left behind.

Always Gene!


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Jane, Let me first tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You are right, those who have not been through this could not possibly understand. I, for one, am glad they don't have to, for one person going through this is one too many. I am s glad we have this site where there are people who DO know what we're going through and we can all help each other through it. I don't know what I'd have done without this group.

Wishing you the best.

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Let me first tell you that I am so very sorry for your losses. I lost my Mom to lung cancer in July of 06. We lost her very quickly. We had only known she had it for 3 1/2 weeks. That July through Jan. were absolutely hell. I can't begin to understand loosing two dear people so close to my heart in such a small amount of time. My heart aches for you.

You've come to the right place. Noone wants to belong to our "club". But I sure am glad I found it. Just to know we are not alone in our feelings is a life saver. This is a journey that sooner or later we all have to take. Some of us take different paths. My path found its way to this site as yours has. Please continue coming back. Hoping it helps you as much as the rest of us.....

Missing my Mom,


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