Not Myself Lately

[LoriS.]

I feel like I don't have any business posting when there are so many new people ( and old alike ) that have been pouring their hearts out. I am not in the "brand new" stage anymore and my grief isn't as stinging as it once was. But I always make suggestions so I hope you all won't think it's selfish of me to vent a little!

I just don't feel good lately. I don't know if it's my new medication (effexor)I've been on for four weeks, or if I'm just in another stage in the grieving process. It's about four months since Mom has died. When I joined this wonderful online group with all of you, I was starting to really feel better; starting to go and do and move along slowly, but nonetheless, move along. Well somehow lately, I feel more tired and lazy. I do workout and try to eat right. I broke my arm last August and had slowly started to gain weight, than when my mom died, I started eating more and at the wrong times, but I didn't really care about that. Than came the holidays and more eating, etc. Mind you, I'm 48, going through that wonderful change (you girls know what I mean!) and I'm only 4'11"! It's almost like I have to workout every day...which I don't...but put in a good 2-3 times per week...and eat like a bird (which I don't). Now 10 lbs later and I'm so uncomfortable. So instead of being about 5 lbs overweight...no big deal... before I broke my arm and before Mom died, I am now 15 lbs. over and my clothes are not fitting me. I feel like a slug!

I have out of town company coming in later this week and I just can't get motivated to do what needs to be done to get ready for them. Sometimes I'd just rather sleep.

I have a great husband and two great grown kids, I work from home now, I love to knit,(but even that seems like a chore) am blessed with good health and warm weather where I live and yet everything seems to be a big effort lately.

I know all of us are at different stages, so I'm hoping to get some insight on this.

All of you have been my inspiration for moving forward on this journey and I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart!

I love you all...Lori

[Paul S]

Hi Lori:

I'll just respond to your first thought, and leave the rest to others who know more about that.

Don't feel that you have no business posting here! You've got every right to, even if it's just venting (as that may be grief-related). Four months is still rather early, there is no timetable as you've probably learned, and no graduation from the boards.

I think it's useful to have a mix of newbies, "longer bereaved" and people in between. A mixture of experience. The longer bereaved can light the path and provide hope. The newbies remind all of us of the fresh pain. Those in between can do both.

My Mom died in November 2005, I'm here cuz I wanna give back to Marty and some others, and also because I still have those grief moments.

So you're not being selfish. Grief attacks us along so many fronts that sometimes it's hard to know is it grief or something else? Here you may find out and get appropriate help and info.

Paul

[missing rick]

Dear Lori

You have every reason in the world to post here - you are part of this family of grievers. The advice you have offered has always been appreciated, and you should not feel bad that you are in a bad place right now and are needing some support right now. Were you taking something else before effexor or is this the first? Sometimes it takes a while to get into your system and maybe your dose is not right. How often does your Dr see you to see how it is affecting you? I was on effexor for a year and it was suggested I change, not by my DR but from a psychiatrist so I did to the medication from hell. After only 2 weeks I quit taking it, I had tremendous nightmares even tho I was only sleeping for 2 hrs a night, and I cried all the time just as tho Rick had just died. I am having a bad time today as it is 8 months today. I am back on the effexor and have started to feel more positive. Since Rick died I have gained about 30lbs - I always have been an emotional eater - and with nobody else in my house I just ate what and whenever I wanted. I had no desire to cook a meal for one and craved sweets. I don't believe it was the effexor because I had just started to look after myself more, was eating in a more healthy way and was losing weight and starting to feel ok with myself before the med change. I threw out my scales and decided not to even look at my weight which would only depress me more and to eat better. After taking the new meds, I was right back to the old way of eating and am struggling with it now. Your company is coming to see you, not the condition of your house, so don't waste your time worrying, maybe your husband could help if you feel it is really bad. Treat yourself to something new to wear, you've earned it, most of all just enjoy their company while they are there. You are so lucky to have your terrific husband with you. I think you know that I lost my mom and then 10 months later my husband. I'm glad I had him to help me with the loss of my mom but would give anything to talk to her about the loss of Rick. Good luck with the effoxor but as my Dr constantly reminds me, it is not the thing that will "fix" you, it sometimes just makes the rollercoaster ride a little easier. Hope I have helped a little, I care about you just as everyone else here. Love Jane

[Trudy1964]

Lori,

You have every right to be here no matter what stage you in. I lost my Mom 7 months ago Friday and it still hurts like hell. Literally, I had 3 migraines last week. Like Paul said, 4 months is very early in your grief journey. Just when your on a high, you take a plunge again. The ups and downs are very frequent.

Check with your Dr. about your meds. Sometimes they have to be changed. After a while they can just stop working and you need a change. I am on Lexapro (20). I still have my ups and downs. Last week was rough. It was the 7 month mark on Fri. Friday is also the day we took her home to die. It brought back a lot of bad memories. The point is even on the meds your still going to feel the hurt.

Lori, keep posting. Your family here cares about you. It broke my heart to read your post that you didn't think you should be coming here. We are all in it together. This place and people like you have been my sanity through out my grieving process. Thank you for what you have done for me.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[LoriS.]

Hey guys...as far as the medication goes, I was on something different (celexa and welbutrin) for a few years prior to the effexor. I went on the effexor when my doc felt that the others were pooping out. I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have switched. Maybe I just need to give it a chance. Maybe...I don't know!!!

Thanks! Lori

[dpodesta]

Lori,

I just recently got off of Eflexor, we each are different in how we react to different drugs. I think a lot of it has to do with the season. During my first months, summer was starting so there was a lot to do to keep me busy outside and to keep my mind off of things. Winter came and like you felt as though I had no energy. Like it has been said, you are still in the begining stages, give it time. You are on that roller coaster and you are just in one of the many valleys that come along the way. Give the medication a little more time it takes awhile when you change. The days are getting longer again and spring is on the way, it will get better.

Derek

[LoriS.]

Derek, I replied to your last post under a different topic called "Following Through" by Starkiss.

Thanks everyone for your kind words...Lori

[shell]

Lori,

I'll echo what everyone else said...post for as long as you want! It's been two years for me and I still post. And remember, even though we come to a point where we feel we have coped with the death to the point where we can "get on with our daily lives" or whatever, there are still so many issues connected with the grief. That was one of the most surprising things to me, that it brought up so many, many different issues for me. I'm still wading through half of them!

I know I have been up and down so many times, I think I've reached the numb state again! Like I've come full circle back to the beginning, in a way! So, thinking you are doing pretty good and then relapsing back down is so normal. It is such hard work to get to the "OK" point that I think we wear ourselves out and it makes up take a nosedive again. But, we will rise back up again!

Whatever period your going through now will change. Hang in there. It may be natures way of telling you that you need a break.

Hugs (and KEEP posting),

Shell

[Janine]

Lori

I have to agree with everyone here. Your mother passed away shortly before my sister and I find this place and the people here to be my safe haven. It was a great gift when I was told that there is no time line and I could grieve as long as I needed. I knew in my heart that I would never get over loosing her; it was just easier when someone said it and I could put that question aside.

I don’t remember where I got this from, but it helped me get through the days that were totally discouraging days.

Before discovering a new continent, Christopher Columbus sailed for sixty nine days toward an uncertain destination.'

Struggling against terrible storms through uncharted waters, dealing with a rebellious and increasingly frightened crew, Columbus sailed on day after day. A brief journal entry he wrote on one of those days is significant: This day we just sailed on.

That day there was no identifiable progress to record. There was no land sighting, so he could report they had reached this place or that. There was no odometer to inform him how far he had traveled. Nor was there a map to indicate how much longer the journey would take.

So, Columbus did the only thing that could be done: This day we just sailed on.

The process of grieving is a journey just like that. The movement toward the goal of relief and recovery is filled with uncertainty, fear and confusion. Although the trip has started, it is hard to know if we are in the beginning, the middle, or near the end of our trip.

In such moments all of us can take a cue from Christopher Columbus and write, This day I just sailed on.

During those days when you are feeling discouraged and when progress is hard to measure, simply say to yourself: This day I just sailed on.

And, like Columbus, you will reach your destination safely!

It is quite the roller coaster that we are riding right now and I know you will be climbing again soon.

Janine

[lorikelly]

Lori

I am feeling the way you are feeling right now. i thought i was doing so good and all of a sudden it hit me again. today i was in the shower crying that i wanted my mom. i know i cant have her back but part of me was hoping i would come out of the shower and the nightmare be over CRAZY. it will be 8 mos for me on march 3 and i wonder when will it get better. when will i stop blaming myself for things and when will i forgive myself. i can only hope and pray. i will do the same for you also. i think everyday is a new day and we are not sure what it will bring. i just hope that the sun shines alittle bit more on all of us. God Bless Lori

[LoriS.]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Janine, the Christopher Columbus story is awesome. I love the saying: This day we just sailed on.

Shell, your right about all the issues connected with grief. I think that there are a lot of things that I am going to miss such as: I'm going to miss flying back east often to see my mom, I'm going to miss helping her and taking her to her appointments, I'm going to miss how we would laugh at how slow she was (she used to be so fast with everything she did and when she started slowing down, she would make fun of herself and call herself "slowpoke!), I'm going to miss her birthday poems...her last one she made up was "I'm 85 and still alive!!!", I'm going to miss her apartment, my house where I grew up...etc. I am still going to go back east from time to time to visit my family, but it won't be the same. Everything for me is changing over the last couple years...big changes. My kids are grown and out of the house (empty nest). I have a daughter getting married in October and I can't believe it! So I have a lot of good things coming up, too.

One day at a time...

Thanks again everyone...Lori

[AnnC]

Good heavens, Lori, when I read that you think you're an old timer at this, I thought you would say it had been YEARS! My grief counselor told me it's classic that at 6 to 9 months after the death, you start feeling REALLY bad, because that's about when the shock wears off. Then, for many people, the second year is worse, because it really hits you then what it means that the person is never coming back.

Personally, I am having a tough time because new grief brings up old grief (my counselor says), and my dad died Dec. 7th. So it's less than three months, and I am grieving for him, but I feel more grief again for my ex-husband, who died 2 years and 8 months ago! All these things affect your time table.

I also lost a step-grandmother and my mother's cousin at the same time (within days) of my dad. I was not as close to them, but still -- a lot of death. Plus, I had to have a root canal, and I threw out my hip. So I have been feeling very sorry for myself. I find it very hard to concentrate at work, too.

Hang in there. It's a roller coaster.

Ann