I Can`t Let Go

[YELLOWBALLOON]

IM SO SCARED I WILL FORGET SO I HAVE PUT MY DIARY HERE . . .

IM JUST SO FRIGHTENED THAT I WILL FORGET , THAT PEOPLE WILL FORGET . . .

Monday 18th April 2005 I found out that no more can be done for my beautiful papa . . .

22nd May 2005

. . . papa`s illness has given us time and the knowledge of how precious each moment is. Not to be wasted with trivialities...I`m lucky in that I have no bridges to build with papa .......... when I needed him he was there....always. Always letting me know he loved me,.. guiding me not controlling me....watching me but never judging me..... holding me but never smothering me, not necessarily agreeing with me but always listening to me .always hearing me . . . the bridge was always there . . . I realised that the knowledge of his illness has given us the most precious gift and I embrace this gift with all my heart.TIME!! Time to say our goodbyes....time to thank him for being my papa, time to let him know he will live on in every breath I take. time to let him know it`s ok...........that he isn`t deserting us or abandoning us. Time to look straight into his beautiful blue eyes and he will know he got it right. This awful insidious cruel and hateful illness will not defeat us for the knowledge of it ultimately gave us the most precious gift of all....... THE GIFT OF TIME!

20th June 2005

My papa.. BORN 6TH SEPTEMBER 1934

..........DIED 20TH JUNE 2005

8TH JULY 2005

At 50 years of age I have suddenly turned into a 10 year old little girl who needs her papa

I miss him so much,,,,,,,,,,, the void his death has left in my world will never be filled . . . Whenever I`ve heard of people suffering a bereavement I`ve always been sorry and passed my condolences and truly meant it........... but its only now that I truly understand the depth that grief can go. How it bites into your soul and does not let go.

30th december 2005

mama was devastated by papa`s death they had been together since childhood, they were soulmates but she was so strong for us after papa died even though she missed him dreadfully and the shine had gone from her eyes she remained strong for us her children because that was her way..... we always came first with her. On the 30th december 2005 I went to mama`s home and found her dead in bed. My world came crashing down around me, I was still grieving papa and now mama was gone. So suddenly, without warning. I ahve no diary for that , we had christmeas we was looking forward to new year, I had no reason to believe that the six months after papa had died was going to be the last times I would have with mama too.Dear God help me, emotionally I just hit the floor and most things from that time are a blur . . .

I MISS YOU BOTH SO MUCH , THE HURT GETS DEEPER THE PAIN OF LOSING YOU BOTH IS STRONGER THAN EVER I MISS YOU BOTH SO VERY MUCH I NEED YOU EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY

AND I DARE NOT LET GO OF MY GRIEF ....... IF I DO THEN THATS SAYING ITS OK AND IT WILL NEVER NEVER BE OK!!!

9th March 2007

I am still afraid to stop grieving because like i said in my post ......if i stop its like saying its ok and it will never be ok. NOT EVER!!!

[AnnieO]

Yellowballoon,

Thank you for sharing your diary with us. The things you have written told of the beautiful relationship you had with your mom and dad. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom Dec 06 and my father is terminally ill (I am currently sitting in the emergency room at the hospital , he was rushed here this afternoon)My mom was my best friend and I miss her so much. My dad and I were never close, we got along okay, but I never felt important to him. So, it was so touching to read about your relationship with your dad. You were very lucky to have such wonderful parents and they will always be with you.

Thank you for sharing your story.

[shell]

Yellowballoon,

I cried reading your diary. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. It is a beautifully written tribute to your parents. You expressed the depth of pain so well. Hang in there.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[YELLOWBALLOON]

Thank you both so much for your kindness, i know i am not the only person feeling this way, the sadness and the overwhelming sense of loss, what confuses me is that i am now almost 52 yrs old, i should be coping and i know im not. Its 21 mths since my papa died and almost 15 mths since mama died yet it feels like yesterday.Oh on the ouside it appears im coping , even my partner does not see me break down now but my whole body still feels bruised and sometimes a song/ music/ words an item ............ anything can make me think of them and its like someone has touched the bruise and pressed it to keep it sore. We have a memory box full of silly little things like papa`s glasses mama`s driving licence, just little oddments that was personal to them but i find no solace in knowing they are there. I wear mama`s wedding ring and im proud to wear it but its not enough. How selfish I am ............. I know im making this all about me, i feel so robbed so desolate so angry and yet I know i was lucky to have such wonderfull parents.................... I dont even know what im trying to say now...............im just rambling ........... i dont even know why i made the original post other than im scared of them not being remembered........I want the whole world to have known them ..........I want the whole world to stop!!!!! selfish selfish selfish .............. and I am still afraid to stop grieving because like i said in my post ......if i stop its like saying its ok and it will never be ok. NOT EVER!!!

FORGIVE ME!!!

[MartyT]

My dear friend,

I join with all the members of our Grief Healing family in offering my deepest sympathy for your losses, and I hope that you can feel our collective arms around you, even as we hold you in our hearts.

You said that you dare not let go of your grief, because doing so is equivalent to saying that it’s okay that your parents have died. I want to assure you that here, in this warm and caring place, no one will take your grief away from you. This is your grief journey, and none of us can tell you how you should or should not be doing it. But if you let us, we will accompany you in your journey, so that you won’t have to travel this path all alone.

You also said that you are “so frightened that I will forget, that people will forget.” I want to gently suggest to you that, even though your parents have died, the love that you share with them has not died. You are still their beloved daughter, and they are still your beloved Papa and Mama. That will always, always be so. Death may have ended their earthly lives, but it has not ended your relationship with them. Your relationship has changed, from loving them in their presence to loving them in their absence ~ but it certainly has not ended. Your Papa and Mama will continue to live in a special chamber in your heart and in your mind, just as long as you keep their memory alive.

Sometimes in grief we make the mistake of measuring the depth of our love by the depth of our pain. We convince ourselves that letting go of the pain of loss is the same as letting go of our loved ones. You don’t want to let go of the pain because you’re afraid your parents will be forgotten, and of course you don’t want to forget them – ever. But there are many, many things you can do to ensure that your parents will be remembered, and to give testimony to your continued relationship with them.

See, for example, Creating Personal Grief Rituals.

In his lovely book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, Louis LaGrand offers the following suggestions for imprinting and maintaining powerful memories:

Good memories can be powerful sources of comfort and joy. They can also be very real points of connection to deceased loved ones, because the significance, insight, and identity of the deceased grow through remembrance. In that way, remembrance practices can become an integral part of family life from generation to generation.

Take an inventory of your inner self and recall the happy memories of love and belonging from your past, especially those involving your deceased loved one, and think of the wisdom and encouragement you gained. When you are ready, revisit special places, reread old letters, look over collected mementos, pictures, or scrapbooks, read something your loved one used to read, play some of your old favorite songs, think of a movie you watched together, or seek out friends and relatives who are willing to talk about memories of your loved one. Write down your most pleasing recollections, and then decide on a word or phrase that will bring those specific events into your consciousness whenever you need them. Start the habit of invoking those specific memories when you’re feeling low. Remember, reminiscing is healthy – not a way of living in the past, but rather a way of appreciating all you have experienced and accomplished.

How do you take short-term memories and make them a permanent part of your long-term memory? The answer is repetition (which actually causes structural changes in the brain). We have a tendency to remember what we keep thinking about. Rely on memory aids: a picture, a glass, a golf ball, a special book. Almost anything can be a cue for remembering a person, a trip you enjoyed, a special gift you received, something that was left to you, or something you learned that will be forever cherished. [p. 168-169]

It has been said that we can bear any sorrows if we put them into a story or tell a story about them. I hope you will use this forum to share stories of your parents. Tell us more about them, and what was so special about each of them. We are here, we care, and we are ready to listen.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[YELLOWBALLOON]

Dear MartyT

Thankyou so much for your kind and thoughtful reply to my post. Everything you say makes sense to me and I appreciate the links you have provided. It isn`t that I don`t appreciate and understand the meaning behind your comments but for now I just don`t seem to be able to accept that it`s ok to "let go". Its almost like I don`t want to.I feel in a fog of emotions that im scared to let clear because in that clearness my mama and papa are not there. Coping with papa`s death was so hard even though we knew what he was facing and the inevitable end was upon us i was not ready for the gaping wound i was left with and it was my beloved mama who showed us the way forward, She was so strong and so dignified in her grief.Mama`s death was so sudden and totally unexpected, she had only been given a clean bill of health 3 weeks before christmas because she was flying abroad for the first time ever in her 70 years (bless her) and she had come home so excited by her adventure and was talking positively about the future and her plans.......... and then I found her dead just 5 days after christmas.......It all seems so senseless and cruel. Depression hit me and i sank so low but my partner was an amazing source of strength to me.I hadn`t dealt with my grief over papa when mama died and was still struggling with my feelings when .in the may of 2006 my partners brother died and of course then he needed my support and love to help him cope with his grief.

After that I felt like I had to put my grief on hold and I never returned there.......... not outwardly anyway. I had to continue to be the strong person I was for my partner I didnt feel it was fair to burden him with my grief when he had his own to deal with and by this time I had had almost a year of grieving and it seemed self indulgent to still need my time.

So the adult in me played the part but the child in me still needs wants and screams out for her mama and papa every moment.

I know I am so lucky to have had the parents I had and the childhood I had, but what threw me after papa died was when everyone talked about their memories of papa , the funny stories and happy times and all the anecdotes that people talk about at these times......I had.................nothing!!! I could not remember a single moment of my childhood. I did recall them when other people said " remember the time when......" but i did not have one story to tell, not one single memory and it broke my heart, i felt like a freak. I knew the memories were there but all i could recall was from the moment they said papa was sick.........I distinctly remember my partner finding me curled up on the bathroom floor banging my head desperstely trying to remember a memory so that i could relay a story to someone......Also one of my sisters is quite a spiritual person and she said ahe saw signs of mama and papa frequently, another sister heard banging at certain times of the night and put that down to mama and papa, both my brothers had " signs" (im not saying I believed they had but the point is THEY believed they had) and me ......i had zilch! nothing ... no signs no smells no bangs no sense of presence so once again i felt out of place and detatched from them.

Now im rambling and probably not making sense and i appologise deeply for this but I dont know what to do .......I dont know where to put all these emotions im feeling, I dont want to lose the grief because I think I feel thats all I have left ........... i dont have memories nor signs ........I feel such a selfish individual .......... does any of this make sense.....is this normal.........................thankyou for allowing me to use this as a sounding board and thank you once again for your kind and caring comments and help with links........i will try to not impose on your kindness anymore

my heartfelt thanks to you xxx

peace and love to you

Linda xxx

[lorikelly]

Linda

i am so sorry for your loss. i lost my dad 5 yrs ago and my mom 8 mos ago. the pain is deep it is hard to explain to another. some days i feel so lost and still the nightmare will end. i wonder somedays if i am jus exsisting. i wait for the night to come to sleep and then another day is over. i feel like i am waiting for it all to be over. i also have a wonderful husband who tries his best to understand and 2 boys 12 and 8. i have to be here for them. my mother taught me the most important things are your children. she would never want me to be like this. she was so strong in that way. i miss her every moment of the day. i also look for signs and wonder why i can't see them. why can't she come to me and tell me it will be ok. i also can not remenber alot my therapist says this is normal. i have lost so many memories. my siblings and i dont' speak so i can't even go to them to remind me of things. i have a niece who is close to me in age and she will tell me stories. i have started to dream about my mom but i want so much more. i can undersand how you feel. thanks for sharing you story with us. keep coming back. lori

[MartyT]

Linda, dear,

You said, I dont know what to do .......I dont know where to put all these emotions im feeling, I dont want to lose the grief because I think I feel thats all I have left ........... i dont have memories nor signs ........I feel such a selfish individual .......... does any of this make sense.....is this normal.........................thankyou for allowing me to use this as a sounding board

If you take the time to read any of the threads in our forums, I think you will come to find that everything you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing is indeed "normal," that what you are telling us makes perfect sense, and that you are NOT being "selfish." By coming here, you've already found a place to put some of what you are feeling, and by reading others' stories, you will continue to learn more about what is normal in grief. I hope at some point you'll also consider talking to a grief counselor or participating in an "in person" grief support group. It sounds as if until now, you've not found a place to take your grief and you've not had an opportunity to process what you are experiencing. The good news is that it's never too late to do this, and by coming here, you've taken a very important first step toward your own healing.

Here are some additional threads that I think you may find especially relevant and helpful:

John's Book List

Still Going Nuts After 4 Months

[STARKISS]

Dear Yellowballoon,

I first want to tell you how sorry I am for your losses, It is true that no one can tell you how to grief... I learned that as I too are still grieving very much... My mom died on April 18th of 2005 while we were on vacation in Las Vegas and my dad died in August of 2005... It is coming close to my mom's two year anniversary but I still grief for her as if it were yesterday... I am told and now relize that it is okay to grief still... I lived with both my parents until they died....Now I am living with my sister's family and boy what a difference... But I am taking it one day at a time and this is what I hope you do.... Please do not let everyone tell you that you need to be over by now take the time and deal with it on your own schedule Take care and I will pray for you... Shelley

[pebbles]

Thank you so very much for sharing. So much of what you wrote in your diary I could have written. I too am watching my Daddy slowly die from the monster that we call cancer. He was just switched to methadone for pain and is getting weaker by the day. My heart breaks and instead of feeling like a 31 year old I feel like a 5 year old girl. I pray for you and everyone here and thank you for sharing. Joanne

[YELLOWBALLOON]

I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AT RIGHT NOW PEBBLES, IT`S A HORRIBLE PLACE , I HOPE MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE A LITTLE COMFORT FROM THE PART OF MY DIARY DATED 22ND MAY 2005. AND USE THE KNOWLEDGE OF THIS AWFUL ILLNESS AS A GIFT OF TIME. I KNOW IT WAS SO DIFFICULT WITH PAPA AND EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK YOU ARE PREPARED, NOTHING CAN EVER FULLY PREPARE YOU, SO USE THIS TIME WISELY, DO NOT LEAVE YOURSELF ANY IF ONLY`S....I SINCERELY BELIEVE IF I DID JUST ONE THING RIGHT AT THAT TIME IT WAS THAT PART.

MAMA`S DEATH WAS MUCH MORE DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT/BELIEVE/ UNDERSTAND (WHATEVER THE RIGHT WORD IS) AS IT WAS SUDDEN AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED. IM NOT SAYING PAPA`S DEATH WAS ANY LESS PAINFUL FOR ME , PEOPLE THAT READ MY POSTS WILL KNOW THAT EVEN THIS FAR DOWN THE GRIEVING PROCESS I AM STILL NUMB AND LOST,

BUT IF MY POST HAS HELPED YOU IN ANY WAY THEN THAT CAN ONLY BE A GOOD THING AND YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HELPS ME TOO. SO THANK YOU PEBBLES SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY TO MY POST.

MAY GOD HELP AND KEEP YOU AND HIS HAND GUIDE YOU ON THE EMOTIONAL JOURNEY YOU ARE TRAVELLING

BLESS YOU

XX LINDA XX

[LoriS.]

Linda...Ditto on what everyone said about your diary. I'm so sorry for both of your losses. You have found a great place to get your feelings out.

Pebbles...I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I'm glad that you've still been posting...it's always ok when you do. We're all here for you and will continue to be after your father passes on.

Hello to everyone else. I have been feeling somewhat better lately. Springtime always makes me happy with a sense of feeling like a new beginning. I can feel my mom and dad being happy. They loved the new spring flowers!

Hope and healing to everyone!

Love to all...Lori

[pebbles]

Lori and Linda,

Thank you so much for your replies! I feel so welcome here and always take something away from what I read. How wonderful that we can all help each other!

Linda, I read your May 22 2005 entry and you have "hit the nail on the head". I have found myself taking as much advantage of this time as possible. In fact I have been writing a letter to my dad and just mailed if off this morning. As you wrote about your papa, my dad was always there. When I was sure I knew better than him, kept him up all night worrying about me, acted like a spoile brat-he was always there, never turned away from me. Never stopped being my friend, my hero, my dad. I was not going to mail the letter but realized I would regret it terribly if I held on to it. With my dad, sometimes emotions and feelings are better expressed thru writing...I would have been a wreck trying to tell him in person and would have forgotten alot of what I wanted to say.

I hope everyone's week is off to a good start...as good as can be!