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I Can't Take This Anymore!


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I know its Easter holiday so forgive me for writing this right now. I can't stand another holiday, another visit to the cemetary on a holiday when family and friends gather together and I get to stand in front of Larry's headstone feeling lost. I can't stand the calender reminding of the passage of time as I count the next month, and the next month. I can't stand to hear the clocks ticking knowing that the night will fall and another day gone by without him. I can't stand having one more phone call from well-meaning people who share their "unchanged" lives and what they are looking forward to and happy plans. I can't stand grocery shopping and seeing Larry's face on each aisle and remembering his favorite food. I can't bear to pick up certain items even if I would want to eat them. I can't stand the way neighbors look at me and then turn their heads not knowing what to say. I can't stand another conversation with his family where they NEVER mention his name. Why don't people understand who come and dump their problems on me as if I could help them, when they don't realize I'd give anything to have a husband problem right now, ANYTHING!! I can't stand that we have a king-size bed yet me and the two beagles only sleep on one side as if to say Larry will be back... maybe during the night he will magically appear and all will be right with the world once again. I'm so tired of holding up, being strong. I'm just so tired of this life I have now. I'm sorry. Deborah

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Deborah,

Ditto. Holidays have become a burden instead of the wonderful time that I used to have with my Jason around. I am at 9 months and still cannot beleive this has happened to me. I actually picked up the phone at work yesterday to call my mother in law, and thought Jason would pick up the phone. I know there is nothing I can say to give you peace, but I truely understand. Take care and may God bless you.

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Holidays ARE hard. You shouldn't HAVE to participate in them if you don't want to and don't feel ready to. My last Easter, I totally rebelled and said I wasn't doing it. This Easter, my kids are with their dad's side of the family so John and I decided to host them yesterday in lieu of today...only my daughter didn't show up or call. Holidays come with expectation associated with them that set us up for feelings of letdown. It's best to lower our expectations and just try to have as nice a time as we can...maybe change our rituals a bit. I hope you're doing better now that the day is almost over.

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Do the holidays ever get better? Today was just a Sunday. I almost chose to just not participate at all. I decided that was not fair to my husband who has been so wonderful to me since my Mom died almost 9 months ago.It just feels like nothing is what it used to be. I don't laugh completely when I laugh. We have a travel trailer. I have no interest to camp. Some times I even feel like selling it. Counselor says I shouldn't make any major decisions for at least a year. Any advice? I think I'm in the wrong area! You guys were talking about the holidays.

Thanks for listening,

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

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Trudy you described exactly how I was feeling yesterday. I went to my cousin's Easter party and went thru the motions...laughed when I was supposed to, kept smiling, talked to all the guests, and inside I felt totally numb, like I was giving a performance on stage.I felt like everyone was watching me to see how I was doing, so I had to show them I was doing fine. I had forgotten that I had given my cousin my parent's dishes, I was shocked when I walked in and saw them on the table. I came home and fell apart, I was so sad that I had packed up their house and am selling it, I wanted all my mom's clothes back in her closet, I wanted everything back in the house. I know holidays will never be the same, I hope in time we can all find some joy during the holidays.

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I have not enjoyed a holiday since I lost my Charlie. It will be 3 years this Oct 20th and I dread the thought of a holiday when it approaches. They used to be such happy times for us and we always made the day special for us and our children. After they all grew up and were on their own we still tried to get together as a family and do somethng special. Now I do not see my kids, they do their own thing and I go to work becuase I cannot feel any joy and just bring everyone down because I keep wishing and telling them I wish dad was here enjoying this day with us. I think my kids have moved on with their lives because it did not affect their day to day living but with me my whole life has changed and I am this different person trying to survive without him. I sometimes ask myself who am I now and what will become of me?

I thought by now I would have made a new life for myself but the old life keeps creeping into my thoughts. When will this emptiness end?

Grace

ONLY YOU (Charlie)

7-1-38 - 10-20-04

Edited by Charlie
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It is a bit of an adjustment to me, these holidays. George had such a fun spirit and was so thoughtful, he always bought cards and gifts, and did everything he could to make sure everyone had a great time. John is not that way. He felt bad because he hadn't remembered to get me an Easter Card (he didn't for Christmas or when we got married either). I told him to enjoy the one I got him, he may not be much of a card or gift giver, but he spent a couple of hours cleaning my driveway grate...backbreaking work, and that means a lot to me. I am learning to recognize love for what it is instead of lamenting what is gone.

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