First Post-it's Only Been 3 Weeks

[Hill101]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading everyone's stories and I haven't stopped crying. It has been 3 weeks and 3 days since my husband Ariel committed suicide (though we are still waiting on the investigation to prove it was an accident). He was only 38 years old and we were together for 14 years. We have two boys, one who just had his 6th birthday on Tuesday and the other is 15. I feel worse about things because we had been fighting lately and were talking about divorce on and off. He had suffered from a chemical imbalance, possible manic depressive for over 20 years and was always in pain, mental and physical. But he was such a wonderful, loving, honest person. He lived for me and the boys.

The first two weeks I think I must have been numb because I seemed to be handling things well. I went back to work after 4 days and just kept busy. But for some reason, this week has been really hard. I find myself crying on and off all day. I haven't been able to sleep like before, I used to fall asleep at 10pm everyday, now I stay up late and am tired the next day.

I know I need to go to counseling, but I keep putting it off and the boys really need to see someone. I guess I am afraid to confront all of these emotions in front of others. Everyone I know tells me I'm strong and that I am handling things so well, but inside I feel just the opposite.

I think the way he died makes it worse. I have to wait at least another 2-3 months for a Tox screen to come back so they can amend the results and change his death certificate and the way that I feel and his family. All of the family except for his mother and our youngest know about the true cause of death.

I know that if he was still here we would have been able to work our problems out, I know that his depression caused most of the friction and I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with. He was such a wonderful person when he wasn't in one of his "down" times.

There are also parts of me that feel relieved that he is not here because of all the bad things, but then I think of all the good things and I miss him terribly. I always thought we would grow old together.

I am so glad I found this forum, it really helps to hear other stories and know that I am not alone.

[karenb]

Yours and your son's loss is so recent you can expect all feelings, no matter what. Just my own opinion but with all that's gone on in your lives it seems counseling would be a good thing. You are so lucky you have your boys. I'm so sorry your husband had his problems. I have a son who has suffered from a mental illness since he was about 13 and he's now 42. It's a difficult thing to live with...I do know. I lost my husband close to two years and many feeling of missing are still there. You have some situations that might be hard to deal with but you have much time to go by in dealing with this. I'm glad you found this forum and the caring people here to talk with you. They all understand and have some wonderful ways of making you feel a little better. Watch over your children, keep caring people around you and please take care of yourself. This grieving thing is a long process and it takes time as you'll see. I am so sorry for what you're going through. Please take care.

KarenB

[lorikelly]

I am so sorry . i also have 2 boys age 12 and 8. i lost my mom. i have taken my boys to see someone and it really helps. i go to counseling and also see my priest reguarly. if you need help please get it for all of you. there is nothing wrong with it. my thoughts and prayers are with you. lori

[kayc]

Hill101,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for all that you are going through. I hope you do get a report back that shows it wasn't suicide. If it was, you have to remember that it was due to his problems, and not anything on your part or anyone else’s. I would encourage you to seek counseling and talk with your counselor about whether or not your kids could benefit from something also. I think it would be important for your teenager too. Young children, it’s really important that they get their feelings out, sometimes they can benefit from art therapy for that. I wish you the best on your grief journey and want you to know that we are here to listen and care.

[Stallyn]

Hill101,

I am sorry to hear what happened, what you experiencing is normal and you are at a safe refuge here, I lost my wife 3 months go within weeks she was gone, I have

used a grief counselor and psychotherapy has helped so much along with this site, always reach out when you need it ok?

William