I Can't Do This Anymore

[LarrysGirl]

I'm sorry to have to write this for all of you to read. I know you are hurting like me. I couldn't sleep last nite and woke feeling like Larry was sleeping behind me and I opened my eyes and just laid there actually listening to him breathing and for a moment my world was safe again. The tears began when I reached and he wasn't there. The horror of him really not being here anymore has hit me very hard today. I have gotten up but I don't feel well. I don't think I can keep this up anymore, its just too hard. I try and I try but each day is torture and yes there are moments when my heart rests from the grief but its just not worth it to me anymore to survive this. I'm hurting too much. It will be 20 months soon. I can't stomach this pain any longer. The loss feels too great. Maybe he was scared, I know he wasn't ready. Maybe I should have held him longer. Maybe I should have gone with him. Maybe he misses me. I'm sorry. Deborah

[STARKISS]

Hi LarrysGirl,

I know that are losses are totally different but I have felt the same way... It is going to be two years since I lost my father and it has been two years since I lost my mom... I lost them four months apart, I know that they were my parents and Larry was your spouse but I never married so my parents were my life... I often feel like I am ready to join them and I just can not keep going... But I try to remember what my parents would have wanted for me and that is to have a life to be proud of and not die before my time... I know our losses are different but thinking of that two year anniversaries coming up and figuring we should be farther along makes it even harder to handle what we are handling right now... I left my home that I lived in with my parents and I let my dog go too and just not being able to retain some of the past things is extremely hard... I believe God gives us only how much we can handle but I think He has the wrong amount for me because I am not able to handle what I am suppose to be able to do.. I continue to come and read posts and to write things that are going on in my head because I believe that we will all get through this journey we are on if we have patience and do what we need to do... I just need to be reminded about the patience part very often and I think that being the two year anniversary we come to realize that it has been that long and feel more upset that we are not further along... I hope this helps and I will keep you in my prayers Shelley

[WaltC]

Hang On Deborah

Sure he misses you, just like you miss him. But he is patient now and will wait for you until its time to be with him once again.

I woke up this morning to loud music on the clock radio and quickly turned it off so it wouldn't wake my Jeannie. Then reality set in, and I realized that she wasn't there beside me.

After almost 27 months I still have those feelings of why bother getting up? ... what's the purpose for this so called life? Then I remember that our spouses would not want us to feel this way. They want us to remember all the good times that we had with them.

Yes, probably they were scared to leave us. Maybe Jean was not happy that I told her it was "OK to go". Although I wanted her suffering to end, I also selfishly wanted her to stay with me a little longer.

She was the strong one. She kept her smile till the end. I was almost passive...perhaps I should have fought harder to keep her alive, but I didn't and there's nothing I can do now but try to honour her memory.

So please keep trying (((Deborah))) - today is triple sevens - 07/07/07 - so it should be a good day.

I am looking at Jeannie's picture here on my desk - she's still smiling from her palliative care bed - reminding me to "carry on" just a little longer... until its time for us to be together eternally.

[karenb]

I truly am so sorry you're having this really difficult time. My husband will have been gone two years the end of July. I have been very lucky to have some close friends and my daughter who lives near by to help me get through this. I hope you have some comforting people around you. You have to keep going. Try to take care of yourself by exercising, eating well and maybe find something you like to do and just put one foot in front of the other. It's terribly hard and we all know what you're feeling. Take care and keep in touch. Your husband is with you and wants you to be well. Show him you can do that.

KarenB

[DoubleJo]

I don't know if this will help, but I can tell you a little something about time. When my first husband of 27 years died I cried and felt terrible. The first 3 years were the hardest. I was so used to him being a part of my life. We ran our business together, etc. Even after I met someone else I cried out of grief for John, but the anguish quieted. I stopped feeling grief after 4 years. Now it is 5 1/2 years and I still feel sadness and will shed tears for my John, but it is now a sadness mixed with happiness for him.

It does take a lot of time. Two years is not long at all. I keep moving forward with my life but the love and bond never dies. My inner feelings have changed and I am so glad that I have 27 years that were not wasted by being without someone who cared about me and I him. Please hold on. It is so very painful but as time moves slowly along perspectives can change and hurts mellow. Though I of cause still think of him and my second late husband, (who died last year) I smile more now at the wonderful thoughts of them. I think of them in a different way, like:

John knew how to use this tool, let me see if I can remember how he did it, instead of: I wish John was here to help me. Hang on- you are important too.

Doublejo

[LarrysGirl]

I'm hanging in here through this very rough day. Thanks to all of you who responded and your kindness and support. I could just hear him breathing last nite and see his face so clearly crying. How do you ever get these images out of your mind... it wasn't supposed to happen, he had waited and held on for the transplant, he suffered and fought, he wanted to live his life... I'll never understand this. I can't talk to God now, don't know if I ever will again.

[DoubleJo]

You are under no obligation to understand or to talk to G-d. You need only deal with what you can. When more anwers come over time then you will be able to take those on . Try not to make it harder for yourself than it already is. Images fade, sometimes better ones appear. Things do change.

Each moment of peace can grow into minutes then hours. Grab them when you can. I hope tonight you will find peace in the quiet. my very very best- doublejo

[ustwo]

I am so sorry that the pain is so overwhelming right now. A little over 2 years into this the pain still can bring me down to my knees. Yet it will pass and I can rise and walk again. In my dreams I am searching for Gene and can't find him. It's all so empty when we wake to being without the ones we love. For me I keep telling myself that he fought so hard to stay here with me....To live each moment to the most. He taught me so much about loving and living and I try to honor him by living one day at a time. And as long as I breathe he will never be forgotten.

Hang on Deborah. I hope today brings a day just a little bit better. You are in my prayers. Larry is with you and he loves you. And because he loves you he would want you to live for both of you.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Gods Princess]

Dear Deborah

Hang in there sweety. Do what ever you can to destract yourself when you get this upset. Get a friend to come and stay if you can. I know it is hard to find God at these times but I am sure he is there crying with you. I will pray for you. Hugs

[kayc]

Deborah,

My computer has been down, I just read your message. Please try to hang in there. You may not realize it, but you are very needed on this site, you have meant so much to me. You have people who care about you and people who need you and your life isn't over yet, though you may wish it sometimes. I do know how you feel. I loved my George so much, he had problems, yes, but he was the most loving and caring person I have ever met and he was my best friend and soul mate. Even now I draw strength from knowing there was someone in this world that cared so much. I love you, you can contact me any time.

KayC

[Steven]

Deborah,

The loss is too great, and the knowledge that at least half of us will have to endure the pain of losing the most important, most loved person in our lives does not make it much, if any, easier. I'm right with you here with the way you feel. It seems that recovery for some of us comes much, much slower than it does for others, and I'm in same the glacially slow recovery camp as you.

There are many references to prayer and God responding to your post, but I recall you mentioning some time ago that your faith had been challenged to the core. If your feelings about faith haven't changed since that post, prayer and God's plan may not hold much comfort for you right now.

If your feelings are less about belief in God and more about anger at being abandoned by God or at God ignoring your prayers, I hope you'll consider speaking with a cleric who can rationalize, and possibly make it possible for you to reconcile your beliefs with your deity.

If you do not believe/have strong doubts in God, know that there are other ways to find relief. I would be happy to share some of my experiences and strategies for relief through action with you in a Personal email if you are interested in trying something out.

As for not doing enough for Larry, not holding him long enough, not comforting him enough, I believe you can trust with absolute certainty that if those of us who never knew Larry can understand with complete clarity through your writing, that you loved Larry deeply and truly, he knew it unquestioningly and would require nothing more from you than what you gave. - Steven

Edited July 13, 2007 by Steven