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If Only I Could Go Too.


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Wanda and I were together for almost 40 glorious years and I lost her 2 months ago to ovarian cancer. So many times I have begged God for understanding but have yet to receive any. Every day I wish I could go too but I am still here. I have on many occasions considered ending the seemingly endless pain of losing her but I always find a reason not to. She made me promise to take care of our 15 year old granddaughter and I think that is what keeps me going. I see her in my dreams and even talk to her. Last night I felt cold as I slept and I dreamt she pulled the covers up for me. She recently inspired the following poem as I slept. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning to jot down the words. I am not a poet so forgive me for the primitive writing but I thought it might help someone who reads it. The last 2 paragraphs are what keeps me going so maybe it will help someone else too.

Together Once More

Now I have reached the end of my life,

Time here has ended for me,

Shed no tears in a dimly lit room,

Don’t cry for a soul set free.

This is the journey that everyone takes,

And each of us will take it alone.

It’s all just part of God’s plan for us,

Another step on the road to home.

There are so many things we leave behind,

Look around you at the things we shared.

But the love we had will continue on,

Even though I'm no longer there.

Memories we’ve stored will forever last.

They will always be there to show.

What wonderful times we had in this life,

In a garden that ceased to grow.

I know this is hard and your pain is great.

But I'm at peace now and I wanted you to know.

There's no sadness, no pain, no worries at all.

I love you but it was my time to go.

So now it is time for you to bow down,

And look toward this golden shore.

For the time's coming soon when you will come too,

And we will be together once more.

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Your words are beautiful and share my sentiments exactly. I struggle with wanting to go and yesterday was a particularly bad one. I know its not the right thing to do but it would be such a relief. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I wish you peace. Deborah

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Dear Deborah,

I feel that Wanda is in Heaven now and at peace as the poem says. I so want to go there and be with her again but in my heart I know that I am needed here to take care of those who depend on me. That doesn't ease the pain but it at least makes me take the time to stop and think. There is also the problem that if I were to do something like take my own life that God would not allow me to be where she is and I could not stand the thought of not being together again. I therefore am determined to do whatever it takes to make this life work and hope that someday I can rejoin Wanda on that golden shore because I know then that it is foreever. God bless you and you hang in there.

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I went straight to your post as I can't tell you enough how I relate to your post. I have been there and please believe me that in time you will be thankful you stuck it out. At the time i never would have believed it but it is true. It is so raw for you right now but our kids need us more than ever when this happens.

God will bless you for holding on and i promise you, the pain will ease.

You will see the day when you can smile and laugh and live with more than hope.

My prayers are with you at this time.

Keep writing those beautiful words and treasuer your kids and grandkiddies as they need you.

:wub:

Edited by Gods Princess
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It's rather strange that you would say that at this time as I am sitting here crying my eyes out because of something I just did. Wanda's microwave she got for Christmas just stopped working. I went to our storage shed to see if she had saved the box it came in because she always did things like that. I found the box but it was packed with old what nots and personal things of hers that she had put away for safe keeping. When I opened it I lost it completely. I miss her so much and I don't know what I have done to deserve so much pain. There are no words to describe my love for her. Thank you for saying what you did about the kids and grandkids because if it were not for them I know I couldn't deal with this. Everything I look at, touch, smell, reminds me of her in some way. When I saw those things she treasured so carefully packed away for safe keeping it tore at my heart more than anything I have been through so far.

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I do hear what you are saying dear friend. I experienced the same with my husband. I found it terribly difficult to pack his things away, especially his most treasured things. It drained my energy like nothing else. I faught like anything not to end my life in the early days but i had two teenagers who didnt need anymore pain. I was disgruntled at having to stay but I am so much happier now and wish i could transfer that hope onto all of you.

Cry your heart out as it is part of the course and a healthy thing to do.

Hugs :)

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Gods Princess,

I was they same way, I have an 8 year old who was then 6. It was a battle to keep on living and I thought about taking my life several times. Even though I knew that my son would be taken care of, I also knew he didn't need any more pain in his life. He had already on several occasions asked what would happen to him if I died, so I knew this was a fear of his. Needless to say, I stuck around and my life has gotten better, I want to live today and again have found a future and hopes and dreams where I once thought there were none. It has only been a little over a year for me, for others it may take longer. For those of you that are still in that hopeless fog and you can't see a way out or how you can continue to live without your loved one, I just want to tell you, stick in there it will get better, myself and others are living proof of that.

Love always

Derek

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The tears have stopped and I am just waiting for the next time. I have never done anything like this before and when I first came here I truly felt it was a waste of time but I didn't know where else to turn. Now having read the replies of those having gone through this before I realize that it really does help even if only a little. I thank you Lori, Gods Princess, Derek, and Deborah, for words of hope and understanding and wish you the very best in your future. I am trying so hard to hang in there for those I love but sometimes it just seems overwhelming. Jessica, my 15 year old granddaughter has yet to shed a tear for her Nanny whom I know she worshipped because Wanda raised her and they were so very close in life. I am very worried about her too. Again, thank you all for the kind words and God bless.

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40years,

I was 16 when my grandmother who lived with us all my life and who was the light of my life died. I remember I cried once right after it happened and didn't cry again over anything for 11 years. When my wife died, I found out about a wonderful support group for families who have lost a spouse and the children who have lost a parent. I know that there are groups out there for children who have lost grandparents. I urge you to do some research on the internet about these. Knowing what I know now, it would have saved me a lot of pain and heartache had I know about and gone to one of these. It may be difficult to get her to go to one of these, don't force the issue, but make the suggestion. She is dealing with her death in her own way, but at that age we really don't know how to handle all of the emotions involved and usually end up stuffing them rather than feeling them and getting better. It is through expressing and feeling those emotions that we heal. It is painful to feel those emotions, but in the long run we become better people.

Love always

Derek

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That is beautiful, thank you for sharing it with us.

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40yearsoflove,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in Dec.06. She and my kids were so close, my daughter said they were soulmates. My daughter cries openly and often about her gandmother, she is 19. My son who is 16 never cries in front of us, but right after my mom died, I would hear him in his room, at night, crying. I know one reason he doesn't cry, is he thinks it will make me sad.

I know how much your grand-daughter needs you. She might be trying to be strong for you, and is grieving in her own way. She is lucky to have you in her life and also to have had such a wonderful grandmother. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

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I want to thank you all for your kind words and understanding. Wanda and I were married at 17. She died at 57. We had 40 wonderful years together. We worked together at home in our own business so we were very close. She was the only girl I ever dated and I fell head over heels in love with her back then. We have 2 children and 5 grandchildren together. I've lost 2 sisters, a brother, and mine and Wanda's mother in the past few years so you would think I would be no stranger to death. When Wanda died 2 months ago it was so different. It is as if part of my soul died with her. My future is no longer there. Being in our fifties we were starting to talk about what we would soon be able to do when we retired. All the plans for retirement and travel are all gone now. Everywhere I look and everywhere I go I think the last time I did this or was here or there Wanda was with me. Sometimes I wish I could crawl in a big hole and close the lid. Today was the hardest day I have had to deal with so far and those of you taking the time to write have been a big help in getting me through this day. I thank you.

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I remember those day all to well. Being just past the 1 year mark, I am now at the point where I am saying to myself, this time last year I was going through this part of my grief journey. Looking back, I can see how far I have come. When you are in these types of days, do what you are doing, post your feeling here and someone will respond with an encouraging word. I remember times where it was all I could do to sit in front of the computer and shake waiting for a response. Usually the response would come within a few minutes of me posting. We are here you when ever you need us.

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Your loss is so fresh and your love was so encompassing, it is going to take a bit of time to adjust to this new life. I don't know what to say except that like Derek said, it does get better with time. I am sorry you lost the woman of your dreams, it is a very tough thing to swallow. Walt can relate, I am sure. I only had my husband 3 years and 8 months but he was my soul mate, and the happiest part of my life. I can't imagine what 40 years would be like and then lose them...it's bad enough what I went through. I wish you the best and do keep coming on line. We're here for you.

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Your poem says it all, and i am only looking forward to the time that i will be reunited with him. every night, i wish that i could go too, but felt disappointed when i wake up in the morning and realize that i am still alive. i dont want to take my own life for i know that if i do that then i will be in a different place.

Please know that u are in my prayers too..and hope someday we will be able to get through this.

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