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Hello my far away friends Imiss you all.It has been quiet lately.Ihope you are dealing with grief.Im steel having ahard time.During the night isuffer alot.Im constatly yearning for my YIANY Imiss him so derribly and Iwish icould be with him.I some times feel I can make it and then agreat wave of sorrow and desparation comes and heats me again.THERE ARE TIMES I CAN NOT BREATHE.How can it be true WE were so in love how can igo on without love/?Life is so emty. I have not yet find the courage to visite his grave.I dont know if I can ever go.I keep telling myself that he is away for along trip and he will come back to me.I cant stop crying. TENY

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Teny,

I know exactly how you are feeling, it is normal for someoe so new in this journey. I don't want to sound blunt however I think this might help you get through this. You said that you keep telling yourself that he is on a trip and will come back. Unfortunately we know that is not the case. The sooner you start to accept that he is gone the sooner you can start recovery nd start feeling better. Going to the grave may help you come to that acceptance. I know for myself I had to come to that acceptance, I had a 7 year old to take care of so I knew I had to in order to be able to go on with life. The feeling associated with grief are not pleasant ones, none of us wish we had to face however we all have to face them and feel them so that we can live again. Search your heart and I think you will find that Yanni would want you to be happy again. It has been a little over a year now for me since I lost my wife of 12 years, I am now starting to enjoy life again and I know with all of my being that Karen would want it that way. I hope that this helps you in some way

Love always

Derek

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Teny,

We all cope with things differently and in a different time table. I am sorry for the pain you are in. It doesn't go away, but it dulls just a tiny little bit with each passing month, enough to make it a little more cope-able. Write out your feelings, talk to him, cry, make a collage of your feelings, anything that helps you get your feelings out.

It takes a while to accept your loved one's death...right now you are in denial. That is okay, that is a stage we go through, but it isn't good to stay there. As Derek said, once you get through that stage, you will be that much closer to a better place of being, that of acceptance. It doesn't happen all at once, there are all kinds of stages to go through, but we have no way to circumvent them, we have to go through them. I will say a prayer for you today. Hugs from across the world...

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Teny - You're right...it has been quiet in here lately. Sometimes that happens here - I think we all get wrapped up in our lives and sometimes just don't have anything to say.

I know we're glad you started a topic. I am sorry that you are having so much trouble with the acceptance of Yiany being gone from your life. I remember how hard that was, but as Kayc said it comes a little tiny bit easier with each passing month. I also agree with what Derek and Kayc said - the loss is something you need to try to come to accept, otherwise you can't get on with YOUR life and I am SURE that is something that Yiany wants you to do. You have to think along the lines of how lucky you were to have had this wonderful man in your life for as long as you did. Some people aren't that lucky to have experienced the love that you and Yiany had. It was a blessing!

I know you have told us before that your children (or son) are very worried about you. I am SURE that they/he misses Yiany almost as much as you do, but they know that he wants them to continue on with their lives.

We are here for you Teny! I hope you have better days in the near future.

Hugs to you!!

Patti

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My dear Teny,

Difficult as they are to endure, the feelings you describe so vividly (still having a hard time nine months into your grief journey; sleeplessness; yearning for your beloved; wishing you could be together again; feeling as if you can make it one moment, only to be drowning in sorrow and desperation the next) are all normal.

You say you’ve not yet found the courage to visit Yiany’s grave, and right now you don’t know if you can ever go. Even as you keep telling yourself that your husband is away on a long trip and he will come back to you , you cannot stop crying, because a part of you knows the brutal truth. Even though you know in your head that Yiany’s death is real, your heart does not want it to be so. Everything in you is begging for a different ending to this tragic story. That is the internal struggle we all face as we come to terms with the reality of loss. I am reminded of this poignant poem by Nessa Rapoport that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site:

Undo it, take it back,

make every day the previous one

until I am returned to the day

before the one that made you gone.

Or set me on an airplane traveling west,

crossing the date line again and again,

losing this day, then that,

until the day of loss still lies ahead,

and you are here instead of sorrow.

— Nessa Rapoport, in A Woman's Book of Grieving

The points that Derek, Kay, and Patti have made about “acceptance” are valid, and I hope you will take them to heart. I know that some folks have trouble with that word “acceptance,” because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If that particular word bothers you, substitute the word “reconciliation” or “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your journey. These three are telling you that there is no shortcut through the minefield of grief work. We must experience the heartbreak of grief, lean into it, and embrace it fully before it begins to loosen its grip and the pain begins to ease. If you’ve read any of their earlier posts, you will find that all three of these members have worked very, very hard to get to the place where they are now, and just like you, they sometimes felt as if they would drown and not make it to shore. They’re all a bit further along than you are now, so their perspective has changed over time ~ but I hope their voices of experience will give you hope and faith as you continue on your own grief journey: the kind of hope that says, “If they can make it through this, so can I” and the kind of faith that says “I believe I can survive this loss, and I will find a way to heal.” Trust that, with the understanding, compassion, and support you’ll find here and elsewhere, you will heal, but in a way and in a time frame that are unique to you. Always keep in mind that this is an individual journey. Others are here to listen, to help, to guide, to suggest, to share what worked for us. But we are not you, and comparing yourself with others or judging your journey against anyone else’s will not help you heal. Grief is universal, but the way we handle it is unique to each of us, and there is no right or wrong way to go down this road.

I don’t know what else you’ve been doing to help yourself get through this, Teny, but I believe very strongly that knowledge is power, and the more you know about the subject of normal grief, the better you are able to understand and manage your own reactions. That’s why I encourage all our visitors and members to do some reading about the process of grief, in addition to reading some of the other messages posted in these grief forums.

I suggest that you go on the Internet and find and read some of the excellent books and articles written on the subject of loss and transition. See, for example, some of the references listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site, and follow some of the links on my Site Map / Links page (look under the categories entitled Death of a Spouse, Articles by Marty Tousley, and Articles by Other Authors). Consider taking an online e-mail course on grief, such as the one I wrote for Self Healing Expressions: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Go to your corner bookstore or public library or to one of the online bookstores and browse the grief and loss category.

I also believe that the work of grief should not be done alone. I don't know what is available to you in Greece, but I urge you to think seriously about joining a bereavement support group in your community or talking with a grief counselor. Try contacting your local church, hospital, hospice, or mortuary to see what bereavement support is available to you. At the very least, please keep coming here to share your story with us. When traveling this road becomes too difficult, stop here and rest for a while. You will always find someone willing to sit with you and hold your hand until you feel ready to pick up and keep going. We will not leave you alone on this journey.

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Hi Teny,

I have been away for awhile also, dealing with this mess of a life, I know how you feel, lately I had problems with the landlords and asking Myrna where are you? The desperation is a horrible feeling, and the love doesn't wane and that complicates things, I hope you continue to grow in your travels, I can say I haven't been coping well either but we mustn't try too hard and talk to anyone that listens. May peace surround you..

truly,

William

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MRTY THANK you for your reply .Your voice of experiance is a great confort.Im going to a therapist once aweek there are no support groups in Athens for grief. Iv changed 2 therapists untill now IV read a lot of books more than 10.I can not find any confort . I think that loss of such love can only heal with love tha no more exsists .One month before he died he told me that he prayed to God to get him well He was sure as he told me that GOd would answer his prayers because God gave him something more dificult He gave him my love fo 40 years.Yiani believed that he will make it We met and got maried when I was 18 HE got cancer and as soon as wefound out he was gone within 10 days.How can Itake on line courses on grief? Im not so advaced in technology. TENY

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Teny, dear ~ I've written a note to June Cook, producer of my online e-mail course, asking her to write to you to explain how the delivery system for the course would work. After you hear from her, please let me know if you have any further questions about it.

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