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Its So Hard To Say Goodbye.


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I am new here, I found this forum searching for support like many of you did. It been 3 months since my mom passed away. She was young, 45 years to be exact. I am 23 and have a wife a 3 month old daughter. I live out side of the US because of my job and my wife is here with me.

My mother had brain cancer for a little over a year and a half. She was doing great always positive never down or sad. She lived her last year like it was her last enjoyed every moment she could, even during the painful moments. I was not around for most of all it maybe why I am having such a hard time with it all. Up until the last month of her life every one thought she was going to pull through, the progression was so good that even the doctors were amazed. On the last CAT scan she had it showed that it had spread so much so fast that there was nothing that could be done.

I was and still am devistated by it, I am just starting to feel the pain. It comes in waves, I feel distant from my wife and most the people I know. I hide my feelings just becuase I don't want to share them with the people that love me. Maybe I just don't want to bring them down.

The hardest part for me is that I had to make a choice one that I didn't know I was going to have to make and one that I could not control. I could have left my wife over here and gone home and been with my mom. Or I could stay till my daughter was born and then leave. When my wife went into labor I thought I still had a chance to make it home in time to say my final goodbye. I was wrong on the day of my daughters birth a few hours later my mom pass away. She was no longer able to talk but I got to tell her, over the phone,I loved her and that my daughter was born healthy and bueatiful.

I know that time will help heal me, I understand that the pain will always be there, and I can except it. I am however a completely differnt person now and feel a little lost.

Edited by Rjb445
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I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. it has been one yr since my mom left me .

i was with my mom everyday til she died. it is still hard and you have regrets. you were not able to be there b/c of the birth of your baby. she would of wanted it that way. i don't think death is easy anyway you deal with it. the pain is real and it hurts so bad. the only thing i can say is don't hide your feelings. let them flow. it will help you in the long run. keeping everything inside will only make you feel worse.the first six months i only took a moment at a time, there were days i never thought i would survive, i did. i got help, talked to someone and realized i could not do it alone. this board has saved me many times, please keep coming back the people are wonderful. lori

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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in Dec.06.

I also lost a friend to brain cancer in Sept. It sounds like my friend and your mom were alot alike. My friend fought so hard and was always positive and upbeat and we were all sure she would make it.

I am sure your mom wanted you to be with your wife and be there for your daughters birth. I have no doubt she heard you on the phone and knew she had a beautiful, healthy grand-daughter. Maybe she was waiting for your call and then she could let go. Don't doubt yourself, you were where you needed to be.

Don't keep your feelings inside, you need to talk and get your feelings out.

This is a great place to do that. You have so much to deal with right now, losing your mom and a new baby. Take good care of yourself and your family too. You will all be in my thoughts.

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I am also so sorry about the loss of your mom.

She would have wanted you to be there for the birth of your daughter, and I know that she knew that you wanted to be there with her (your mom).

It just goes to show you that there really is a circle of life. How ironic that your daughter was born just a few hours before your mom passed on. I'm sure that your mom was thrilled to know that her grandaughter was born beautiful and healthy. Maybe your mom hung on just long enough to wait for your phone call. It's bittersweet.

These boards are so helpful. Everyone is willing to lend an ear...so come back anytime. Someone will definately be there to respond.

Take care of yourself, your wonderful wife and your beautiful new daughter...Lori

Edited by LoriS.
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Dear Friend,

Have you ever noticed that it's only the good people who feel guilty about what they did or failed to do in circumstances such as this? Clearly you were caught in the middle of an impossible situation: how to be in two places at once. The fact that you feel guilty about choosing to be with your wife to witness the birth of your daughter speaks volumes about what sort of husband and father you are, and what sort of man you were raised to be. As I often have said to others in these forums, just because you feel guilty about something does not mean that you are, in fact, "guilty as charged." I think it's safe to say that, when someone dearly loved dies, every single one of us can find something to feel guilty about ~ but feelings aren't always rational, accurate, or justified, and they aren't necessarily right or wrong ~ they just are. We can't always help what we feel, and guilt is just one of many feelings that are normally experienced in grief. When you come to a forum such as this one, and surround yourself with others who understand what is normal and common in grief (because they are in mourning, too), you feel safe to say what you feel guilty about, which enables you to get it off your chest and expose it to the light of day, where it can be examined more objectively. In addition, as you read all the responses you receive from others here, you begin to realize that no one is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself, which enables you to evaluate your own behavior more objectively and more realistically.

You say that you're feeling distant from your wife and others, reluctant to share your feelings openly with them. That, too, is normal, particularly for a man. Perhaps these articles will help explain further:

Understanding the Grief Process

Understanding Different Grief Patterns in Your Family

See also the Death of a Parent page on my Grief Healing Web site, where you'll find links to dozens of other helpful resources. (Your wife may want to read some of the articles listed on my Helping Someone Who's Grieving page.)

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rjb,

I offer my deepest sympathies for the loss of your mom. I lost mine last month. Everything you are feeling is normal and you had a very rough decision to make, but I know it was the right one. As everyone else has said, your mom would have wanted you to be there for your wife and new baby and I firmly believe that she hung on until she knew about her new grandbaby. What a wonderful gift you gave her, really. I am sure she passed with a smile on her face. You might want to read a book called "Final Gifts". I think it might make you feel better. It is a powerful book that helps you understand death better and how it can be peaceful. You did the right thing, so please don't feel guilty. And, share your feelings. I know it's hard for men, but it will help not only you, but your loved ones as well. From what you've written, I can tell you were a wonderful son and are a loving husband and father.

A big hug to you,

Shell

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Thank you all,

For your support and replies. I was down that day, I got a chance to write to my dad and tell him a little about how I was feeling. I also have another friend who is has been a really good listener latley. I know you all are right about not holding back. It is sometimes easier , for me anyways, to tell someone that I don't know how I feel. Maybe I feel less judged but I know that I am not the only person going through this and I won't be the last. I am here to help support too. This is not meant for us to do alone that is not what life is all about. I'm in a much better mood today, lots of thanks to you guys! :lol:

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Hey everybody

It is always so hard to say good bye, and we never want to at all as some know I lost my MOM over a year ago and it is still killing me I was with her and in rjb445 you were in a way through the birth of your daughter I bet if you look in to your daughters eyes when you are sad and thinking hard about you MOM you will seee her and talk to her sounds weird but just try it might help. Hang in there you will have good days and bad days but just do the best you can.

Haley

P.S. hey sorry to everybody for not checking in lately just lost and still trying to figure out who, what where when & how.

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Haley,

Nice to hear from you again! People keep asking me, "Well, what are you doing now?" Like I'm suppose to have jumped right into some new and exciting life less than two months after my mom died! Like you, I'm just floating around, trying to figure things out! I'm taking care of things (the house, grocery shopping, my kitties, etc) but other than that I can't even think beyond to the next step. It takes time. People just don't understand that.

Hugs,

Shell

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YOu are so right people that are not going thru it have no idea and it makes it all the worse.

Hang in there and follow your heart, do what you feel you should be doing.

God will only give yiou what you can handle.

you we always there for you MOM and you will continue. How are your babies doing

hang in there Shell are soulders and ears are here for you

haley

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Thanks, Haley. My babies (my kitties, for those that don't know me) are ok. They miss my mom too and feel the changes that are going on. But I'm giving them lots of extra love and attention and we are all trying to get through it. They are incredibly sensitive and give me lots of extra love and attention too. I just wouldn't know what to do without them.

Hugs,

Shell

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