Tough Time Of The Year

[feeling-lost]

I haven't logged on here for a long time, but am feeling as though I need some advise or a guiding hand in the month coming.

My dad was killed in an accident on the 16th December 2006, and it is his birthday in 3 days.

I just feel very anxious and scared about how I'm going to get through his birthday, the anniversary of his death, Christmas, and my birthday (which happens to be Christmas Day) all in a matter of weeks.

I used to love Christmas so much, probably because its my birthday too, and every year is a celebration, no matter what, but this year I feel so different about it. Last year wasn't as hard, even though we had just lost dad 9 days before, but I think then it was all so surreal, and hadn't sunk in yet. But this year, I just want to skip it all.

I guess I haven't really dealt with the loss of my dad, and I think its because I just don't want to.....

I'm also scared to go to my boyfriends christmas party this year, because I was at his christmas party last year when I found out about dad, and the party is the night before his 12 month anniversary. My boyfriend has already told me that I don't have to go if I don't feel up to it, but I think I will probably feel worse if I'm sitting around at home.

Anyway, I'm sorry to load this onto all of you, but I guess every now and then it feels nice to let out the feelings I am having. I have also been thinking about going to see a councillor / psychiatrist and just want to know whether people have done this and would recommend it.

Thanks for listening.

M.

[shell]

M,

It's normal to feel extra anxiety this year about the coming dates. As you said, the first year you were still in shock. I don't have much advice I'm afraid, except to just try to ride it through as best as you can. You are going to be weepy and depressed on those days, so feel free to just cry it out. I think you'll know whether you can make it through your boyfriends party when it gets closer to the night. You can always leave if you feel uncomfortable, but you might also have a good time too! You never know which way it's going to go, but it may take your mind off things for a few hours.

I've never been to counseling, so I'll leave it to the others to answer that. I wouldn't hesitate to try it though.

Hope it goes smoothly for you....try to just float along.

Hugs,

Shell

[debbie]

My dad died unexpectedly on 30 October 2007,my whole family is completely heartbroken. This is the first time I've written about this so please bear with me if I start to ramble on.

My dad was my hero, he was a police sergeant until he retired, and even the local lads he arrested thought he was a great man. He was compassionate - he used to bring home puppies that he'd rescued from someone who was about to drown it or whatever. He was brave - he received an award for taking a loaded gun off a man who had lost his head having an argument with his wife and was threatening to kill her. He always put his family and friends first, and nothing was ever too much trouble for him. From being a little girl, I always insisted on being his labourer when he was doing work in the house, garden or on the car, and I'm sure I was more of a hindrance than a helper but he never ever said.

We are a close family but my sister has lived abroad for years and my brother lives locally but never saw my parents as much as me - My husband and kids and I live in the same town as my parents and while we were at work my dad would come over every day to look after our dog and watch Sky Sports.

In the few days before we lost my dad, he was in hospital (we thought he had a stomach ulcer, but it turned out to be cancer) and my mum and I were with him nearly all the time. He had changed from being the strapping, strong man I grew up relying on, to a frail, poorly and tired man. When the doctor took me and mum into a room the first evening and told us that he didn't have long and that we had to get my sister flown over, my mum was so dignified and together, but I was crying like a baby (it was my 40th birthday 4 days after my dad passed away and it would have been dad's 73rd birthday on 13 November) and when we went back into dads room I couldn't stop the tears even though I could see that it wsa upsetting him to see me that way.

Mum and dad loved gardening and there are some beautiful photos of dad in the gardens looking healthy and happy, all round mum's house, but I can't look at them without breaking down. The regional newspaper did an article about dad a couple of days after and it is full of words of love and admiration from his ex colleagues and friends. It is a lovely keepsake and reminder of how much dad was loved by all who knew him, but I can't bear to look at the photo in the article.

At the funeral, they played "Fix You" by Coldplay. It was dads favourite song, but it was also as though the lyrics had been written about him - dad always knew what to do and what to say and could sort anything out.

This morning I was driving my children to school and there, 2 cars in front of me, was dad's car. It has been bought by a man who lives just round the corner from me, but I didn't know that 'til now. My dad knew and was friends with this man, so I'm glad that it's someone he liked who has bought it, but it will be hard seeing it every day.

I even tried to think of something, anything, that my dad had ever did or said that made me angry, in an attempt to get over the tears, but there is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can ever remember that he did that wasn't nice.

I look at friends who still have both parents with them, and aswell as feeling envious of that, I also feel sorry for them because I know what heartache and sadness will come their way one day.

Writing this has been hard, but I feel so proud of my dad that it has also helped in a way, so I will write again soon. I know this has been a long winded posting, but I can't condense it.

All my love and thoughts to everyone reading this, we are in a kind of private member's club that really we would rather not be a part of.

[AnnieO]

Debbie

I am so sorry about your dad. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your dad sounds bigger than life. What a wonderful man, you were so lucky to have such a great relationship with him. My dad died Oct.2 2007 , my mom died one year ago. I know there are no words that can help, but please know you are in my thoughts and I hope you keep posting.

[shell]

Debbie,

Thanks for sharing so much about your father with us. What a wonderful man. I know what a hard time this is for you, but I also think being your fathers daughter will help you through it, as I'm sure you have his strength in you too. You sound like you are very much like him. Yes, we are in a club we'd rather not be in, but one that really helps us get through the rough times, so please write again.

Hugs,

Shell

[debbie]

AnnieO and Shell

Thankyou for your replies, they mean so much.

It is strange but I feel better for talking to you and although we don't know each other I will be thinking of you over Christmas, we will get through it and I have been told so many times that it will get better, though when that will happen I don't know.

Anyway, my mum who has been doing so well lately, and been so strong, has just strained a ligament and nipped a tendon in her knee, so she feels really down. She has severe arthritis anyway so she can't do as much as she would like, so now she says she feels that she is putting too much on my shoulders. I have told her that it is all part of being her daughter, that I want to look after her and that we will have a nice Christmas, I just hope she believes me.

I am going to go and wrap my childrens Christmas presents now, and this is where I am going to start my big attack on my misery, and be happy and cheerful, I will save my daily crying for when I am on my own.

[shell]

Debbie,

My mom was the same way. She had arthritis and couldn't do as much and always worried that I had to do too much. I told her the same thing, that I was happt to take care of her like she did me all my life, but she would still worry. Just being a mom!

Good for you to take that attitude. Sometimes we just have to make up our mind that we are going to be as happy as we can, instead of sad. It takes work, but it can be done. I cry alone too, I think a lot of us do. But that's good.

Wrap your presents and think about your family and the good things we still have left.

Hugs,

Shell

[Haley]

To All

When my MOM left me a year and half ago I am not sure if she new she was going, it also started with her going to the doctors and one thing led into another, and the next thing you no they have hospice in there trying to talk to us about it all. I know the doctors talked to her but at the time they were talking to her I just wonder if she new what they were really saying I had a professional come in and they say she did but I just wonder all the time if she new she was leaving and that made he stop talking I am trying my best to think in a good way but at times like the holiday times its hard I am here alone and I miss ny MOM so much that I hurt all the time, I get this feeling like some body is stomping on my heart, I have had many of conversations with Shell on this board and thanks to her once again.

I hope we all are making it this holiday season hang in there we are all hurting.

Thanks

Haley

[rosanne]

Haley,

I lost my mom in June of this year- and my whole life has been tossed about! I like you know exactly how you feel- my heart is broken and I will never be the same. I just want the holidays to be over- I do have grandchildren and two children and I guess that is what keeps me going when I do not want too. My mom was and always will be my best friend!! I miss her so much

Shell- I did put up a small tree.

God Bless us all!

Rosanne

[shell]

Haley and Rosanne,

I know that losing our mothers is so incredibly painful. I feel like I don't have an anchor anymore. I miss her so much. But I also am drawing on every ounce of strength I have to get through it because my mom would want me to be ok. We just have to remember that and "honor" them by being strong and living life. I think of all of you so often. We'll make it.

Yeah, Rosanne! I'm putting up my little tree later today. I'm going to have Christmas spirit if it kills me, darn it!!!!!

Hugs, hugs, hugs,

Shell

[debbie]

Hi all,

We have just found out today that on the morning of the day my dad was rushed to hospital, a neighbour who lives just round the corner from my folks was on the phone to her friend who she was supposed to be meeting. She asked her friend to hang on because she was watching my dad who had parked outside her house, and she said he looked dreadful,so she wanted to keep an eye on him.

Mum remembered that morning that dad had said that he was going to pay the paper bill, and was gone some time. We think that he had parked round the corner because he was feeling so poorly but he didnt want to worry my mum. I can imagine him doing this because he always protected mum and us from bad things.

It breaks my heart to think of him doing this but he obviously wanted to handle his pain this way or he would have gone home and told mum. Unfortunately it got worse and the rest is sad history.

All my love to everyone here, will be back soon.

xxx

[TeresaBennett]

It sounds like you were lucky like me my dad was a strong could do anything always a great provider leader at work and home .Hwas give 6 months to live back in june we were devastated.He died nov 25,2007 on a rainy sunday i stepped out to smoke and he died i ran in and closed his eyes while my step mom cried and begged him not to go .He was my hero my whole life I hung out in garage with him when I was young I did all the stuff my brother didnt want to do anything to spend time with a man I loved and adored .He mad me and kenny my brother strong people always telling s right from wrong he retired from General Electric in 97 32 years he was a foreman perfect attendance he got everything he tried for and all his workers from the ge said he was a fair man and was loved and respected by all I MISS YOU DAD

Teresa Bennett

[debbie]

I was doing some shopping this morning in the local supermarket, when I saw a friend from school. She worked with my dad for a few years and absolutely adored him, to the point where I would get jealous! Today was the first time we've seen each other since I lost dad, and she came over and hugged me. We both started crying, she apologised, I said it was OK, and I almost ran away.

This friend knows only too well the pain of loss as she has lost both a brother and a sister in tragic circumstances. But all I could think today was, what are you crying for, you've still got both your parents. I know this is a terrible thing to think, but my pain is still so raw, there is nothing anyone can say about losing my dad suddenly being the best way, or that at least he is not suffering anymore etc, that makes me feel better at all.

I was then doing a bit of Christmas shopping and I came across a set of Dad's Army DVDs, and I momentarily thought, "I'll get them for dad". I know my husband's father likes Dad's Army too, but I won't buy them for him because I wanted them for my dad.

Just as I think maybe I'm going to get through a whole day without crying, something hits me like a ton of bricks and I'm gone again.

I still can't look at the beautiful photograph dad in mum's bathroom, and it's got to the point where now I go to the loo without turning the light on.

At some point over the holidays I am going to make a time on my own, get all our family photos out and look at them all. I will be heartbroken but I feel I need to face this and reach a point where I want to sit and look at dad, because I feel lonely and I miss him.

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[shell]

Debbie,

That's a good idea, about looking at the pictures. I found that facing the pain head on and crying your eyes out helps you to take the first step toward healing. It may take awhile, but eventually you'll come to terms with it better, you'll still grieve, but will cope with the reality of it better. Good luck.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Well, I made it through one of the worst times of my life!

I have been off from work for 5 days, and I know I had 4 melt downs, just could not take it, a couple of times I thought I was going to have a nervous break down... I thought of my family here and prayed for you all.

Thanks for all your encouraging words.

Love,

Rosanne

[debbie]

Well thank God that Christmas and New Year are over. We did our best to smile and be merry but it was as difficult as I thought it would be.

I brought mum over to ours for breakfast at 7.30 on Christmas morning, and we had a cry at her place, then we kind of braced ourselves but it was little unexpected things that got to me - laying the table for only 5 people, and not being to actually say the words out loud to toast my dad at the meal (though i did in my head - I have constant conversations in my head with dad).

I let mum read this web page and she thought it was lovely that I can communicate with you all.

People have said so many times 'Your dad is here with you' but I haven't yet felt any kind of presence. This has knocked a lifelong belief that when this awful moment came, I would be able to take comfort from feeling that my dad would be somewhere near. I don't know, maybe in time I will feel him near, I really hope so, I can't bear to think that once someone has died, that is it - nothing on the other side.

I still haven't the strength to look at those photos, although I did manage to look at some from my dad's younger days, it's the recent ones that I strongly connect with that I'm not yet able to look at, and I know that I'm holding my grieving process up.

Mum gave me a beautiful Jack Vettriano picture, called 'In Thoughts of You', for Christmas, and told me that because it was bought from the Christmas savings that both she and my dad had paid into meant that it was also from my dad. I look at it long and often, but I don't need a picture to help me to think of him. It's nice to know though that dad knew how much I like Jack Vettriano's work, and he did see the Vettriano calendar they bought me also.

At the moment, I seem to be in a deep pit of despair, I can't lift my head out of the hole, and I can't feel any light above me. I have a friend who lost her dad 8 months ago, and although she tells me that she still crys every day, she still is able to talk about him much more than I can.

Best wishes to everyone, and I will do more here when I feel I have something more positive to say.

Lots of love.

[AnnieO]

Debbie,

I am glad you have a gift from your parents, one that your dad knew you would like. I too, am so glad the holidays are over. It was our first Xmas without both my parents, my brother and his family were here with us. We tried really hard to make it happy, but I think everyone just felt the huge piece that is missing. I think we all just went thru the motions, to get thru the day.

My mom has been gone 13 months and my dad ,3 months. I still have moments each day where I think about picking up the phone and calling my mom, I can't believe it's been a year. Just wanted to let you know , you are in my thoughts.

[lorikelly]

Debbie

I do believe there is something after this, i could not go on if i didn't. i know that one day we will all be together. Please hang in and keep coming back. Lori

[rosanne]

AnnieO

I thought of you so much... my heart went out to you during the holidays, it was so hard with it being mom... my brothers and I took pictures with dad and I thought will this be the last Christmas with him??? So many uncertainess in life, you know? I can only imagine your feelings. It is still so hard being a caregiver to dad- I feel like I am burning out- trying to keep two households going... grocery shopping, cleaning just everything!! He will not leave his home and I know of no one around that cleans for the public.

Just wanted you to know that you have been in my thoughts, along with my buddy Shell, Lorikelly!!

Love,

Rosanne

[AnnieO]

Rosanne

Thanks for your post. You are in my thoughts often too. I know how hard it is to be the care-giver. I hope you are able to find some time just for you and to rest. I am at a strange point right now..lots of misplaced guilt. I keep going over things. Not being with my mom more, not taking better care of my dad..etc...in my head I know I did all that I could, but I just can't seem to shake this mood. Like my mom always told me, I know you "are a good daughter" too.

I hope you have a peaceful night.

[shell]

Hi girls,

I thought of all of you so often this Christmas. Wondering how everyone was doing and hoping we all made it through relatively sane! My latest news is that my best friend (who lived in Washington) of forty years has moved to my town. We haven't actually seen each other in 34 years, but kept in touch all these years and never lost that bond we had. The "ironic" part is that she has dementia. It started a couple of years ago and is fairly mild at this point. She recently got divorced and her kids wanted to put her in a home. Well, needless to say, she freaked out and said she wanted to come live near me. So we got her an apartment very close to where I live (about 3-5 minutes away, depending on how fast I drive...hahaha)and she loves it. She has been under enormous stress for years and I think being away from it all has helped. Soooo, I'm now back in the position of caregiver. I take her everywhere (she gave her daughter her car, which is good considering the situation) and help her clean her apartment and stuff. It's very strange that we would finally get to be in the same place again and that she would have dementia. I guess all the experience I had with dealing with it with my mom was for a reason? So, we're taking it one day at a time and seeing how it goes. It's been fun, but a little bit of a drain on my own time, but I couldn't have lived with myself if I had not stepped up to the plate to help her out. That's what real friends are for, afterall.

Hope all of you will do a little better now that the holidays are over!

Debbie, I haven't really "felt" my parents around either, so I know how you feel. However, I'm reading a book right now about this very subject and it seems, from research, that they usually "appear" in one way or another when you are in a crisis. You are in one now, but it may be later on in your life when that happens. Hang in there.

Love and hugs to all of you,

Shell

[AnnieO]

Shell

You truly are a real friend. I hope this doesnt become too much for you, is her family helping too? She is lucky to have you in her life.

[lorikelly]

Shell

What a wonderful person you are. You will be rewarded for this. Your heart is so big and has so much love, she is a lucky lady to have you in her life. Lori

[rosanne]

Shell & AnnieO,

You are doing exactly what your heart is telling you to do- I am so proud of you, but like you have always told me, take time for YOU! You are a great person, and she does not know how lucky she is to have you as a TRUE friend!

I think it helps in a small way to feel needed... sometimes it is irritating.

Like last night, I did not want to be at dad's... I was of course, and then I felt so darn guilty for those feelings.. Annie, sometimes I have guilt with dad, like I am not taking the best care of him, which I am doing the best I can but when you try to keep two households going it is all you can do to keep your pantry and refrigerator full... I know I am letting my house go and that makes me sick- I live in a very small town and really do not know anyone that I would trust to clean... I like everything clean and orderly and I surely do not have that now...

You did the best you could at the time, always know that.

Keep your heads up, girls...... We are made of good stock.

Love

Rosanne

[KathyG]

Soooo, I'm now back in the position of caregiver. I take her everywhere (she gave her daughter her car, which is good considering the situation) and help her clean her apartment and stuff. It's very strange that we would finally get to be in the same place again and that she would have dementia. I guess all the experience I had with dealing with it with my mom was for a reason?

Shell

Shell, Rosanne and AnnieO (and anyone else out there who's a caretaker), your compassion and caring is wonderful. The road you're on is not an easy one.

Shell, you're probably right that your caretaking experience with your mother was preparation for caring for your friend. My first husband's family's business was running a personal care home for schizophrenics and people with Alzheimer's or dementia, and we had to live on the premises so he could be there for the patients 24/7. It wasn't a happy time in my life (for many reasons), but it taught me a lot about patience, tolerance and how to help people with cognitive problems. That experience helped so much when my second husband, Bill, developed dementia last year; I already knew what to do to care for him.

Rosanne, not being able to care for your house is a sacrifice. But after awhile, it becomes easier to accept when you realize you've given it up for a greater good, helping someone you love. As Bill's dementia progressed, he became more dependent and wanted to spend as much time with me as possible. I saw the dust and the clutter and laundry piling up, but choosing to be with Bill was more important - even though it made me feel inadequate for not being able to simultaneously be his caretaker, hold a full-time job outside home and still keep an immaculate house. Now that he's gone, though, I know I had my priorities straight. A clean house cann't replace his loving presence in my life.