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In this road we call grief, i have learned so much about myself. Have learned to enjoy my own company, have assessed my strenghts and weaknesses, have tried to see the beauty of my surroundings in the midst of this grieving. Moreover, i have done a lot of soul searching and was able to realized my real purpose here on earth. It was a relief and a joy to finally know my purpose, and i know it will be a long journey to fulfill it. I am just starting now..have started this journey. It is a tough one. Have immersed myself in volunteer work, caring for the sick. It is in a way very fulfilling but heart breaking too. Have seen so many souls suffered, have seen the poor, the needy, the dying. Sometimes, i ask myself how much i can handle, and if i am strong enough to face life's reality again on these eyes of these people.

Today my heart is so heavy. I feel so empty. How i wish my love is here to share this with me..how i wish to tell him all these experience. I wonder, am i doing enough, i wonder what more can i do..God, my heart is breaking to see these people suffering.

Thanks for listening again..had to let this out, maybe the heaviness will lessen..

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Lyn,

Good for you, you are well on your way. The heaviness will lesson and it sounds like you have an idea on which direction to take. Coming here and passing this web site on to others will help in a lot of ways. I am a firm believer in order to keep something you have to give it away. As you start to share with others your experience through grief it will give you strength. God be with you in tis journey.

Love always

Derek

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Lyn,

I am so happy you're finding your way. Many people who haven't lost anyone aren't doing what you're doing. It's so heart-warming. Keep up the good work. These people are blessed to have you with them. I firmly believe we are here to help others.

Your friend, Karen :wub:;)

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Lyn,

You have developed an enormous ability to empathize and in reaching out to others you are fulfilling your purpose. All I can say is, the world is blessed to have you!

KayC

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Derek,

How are you? How's Carson? I hope both of you are doing well. Once again, Thank you. I owe you a lot, do u know that? You have always lifted my spirit when i was feeling down. Indeed, by giving something we also keep a part of it. I get real joy by giving my time to them.

The heaviness i felt the other day also came from the fact that he is no longer here to share this with me. This is one of our dreams together.

~~~

Karen, thank you..By doing this i felt like i am also continuing his dream. He too, had a soft spot for those who are in need. If he were here now, i know we will be doing it together.

~~~

KayC, I was wondering about you the other night, I am glad your weekend with your family went well. I couldnt thank you enough for being an inspiration to us here. You have touched so many lives, including mine in your own special way.

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Lyn,

Thank you, I am glad that I have been able to contribute something to help you go through this difficult time. I am doing well, Carson is getting over walking pnemonia, he is in school and doing good. Luckly we caught it in time and it wasn't worse.

To everyone,

On my way to work this morning I was thinking about everyone on this site and the difficulties we all face with the upcoming holiday season. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you and I pray that you will find some peace during this time. Turn everything over to God and he will take care of you.

Love always

Derek

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Derek, I am glad that Carson has gotten over the illness..it must be very uncomfortable for him. The coming holidays still look dreadful, but we will survive it. I plan to work on those days to keep my mind busy. Am also praying for peace and healing for each one of us here..

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The holidays...they are a challenge, aren't they? My husband doesn't do holidays well and I have to learn to not count on him to help me enjoy them. They are what they are. George loved the holidays and was so much fun, it was easy to get caught up in the excitement of it all...that's gone now. If I have a good day, that's good. If I don't, I must take it in stride. I am trying to learn to release expectation and accept what is. That is a lesson we could all benefit from My stepdaughter's birthday is this weekend...she refuses to meet me, she usually wants her dad to herself which means I won't see my husband for the next couple of weeks most likely. He doesn't like conflict so he avoids talking with me about it and usually lets me know at the last second that he's not coming to see me, then he feels guilty and disappears...I am learning to expect that and not count on him. So this weekend, no matter what happens, I will try to have a good weekend and I will have to make it so myself. There is no one else to make me happy, just me. Do you understand what I'm saying? George is gone, so is our life, so is how we were with each other. My life is different now and I am learning the same lessons I would have had to learn if I'd have stayed single. That's okay, God has a sense of humor and life has its irony. I'm okay with that, I need to learn these lessons. I am learning to take what comes and try to make my life okay with or without anyone else. It's not my preference...life isn't what I ordered, that's for sure, but it's okay.

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Lyn,

Soo true, your empathy is a strong ability and it shows in your posts, No matter what, you did right above the darkness and shined a light upon all of us here, perhaps that is ONE of your purposes.

Derek, I believe power in numbers with prayers, and sometimes I find myself feeling a prayer being said on my behalf. The devil likes to remind me that I am sinking, but do I listen to such a evil mind? sometimes obliviously but the faith is much stronger, even if we don't feel it.

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William,

That's why it's called "faith", and you have it! :)

KayC

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Kay you have to be one of the sweetest people I think I have ever met, yet each time you post I feel a sadness in your heart, not from your sadness of losing George but from the present. Is everything okay ? I know you had remarried but I never hear of you being with your new hubby. This is really none of my business I know but I just want to make sure you are okay as we are all family here. I wish a few of us could go out for a cup of coffee and some good conversation, wouldn't that be nice?

Love,

Wendy :wub:

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Wendy,

Thanks for thinking of me and asking about me. A sadness in my heart...I guess I suppose there is some sadness inside of me, how can there not be? Nothing in life went as I thought it would. My old life with George is gone...I was incredibly happy with him, the happiest I ever was in my life. Yet his betrayal wounded me beyond imagination and most of it was absorbed after he died and I couldn't even talk to him about it. It's something I've had to learn to live with, I can't change any of it. And my remarriage, I realize I was way vulnerable and it was much too soon, before I'd come to my senses or known my own mind...in my effort to rebuild my life, I leaped when I should have waited. I say this only to maybe deter someone else from doing the same thing. And yet I love John and who knows what we might have someday? For now, it hasn't gone at all as I thought it would, it's hard being apart during the week and not having a normal life like other people have. In one sense it's been good because it's enabled both of us to grow and develop as we should have as single people before marrying...but it's not an easy situation. I didn't know him as well as I thought I did, he's very ambitious and hardworking and I just feel old and tired and want to retire, it's like we're in different stages of life, but be that as it may, I am committed to him and to our relationship. He is such an extreme opposite from George, and in some ways that's good, at least he doesn't do drugs, and he's not dependent on me, but in another sense, I miss the romance I once had...however, I'm also kind of glad I don't have it because I'm not so sure I could trust it...I've been fed too much malarky in my life, maybe reality is just easier to deal with, at least you know what it is. But yes, our relationship is doing well and we see each other almost every weekend. When I was taking care of my son's dog for 3 1/2 months it was John that traveled the 344 mile round trip every weekend to see me so it's been good to see that commitment and effort from him. And I suppose part of my sadness is simply being tired, this long commute of mine is hard to do every day and now here we are going into the winter season. Today I drove 50 miles to work on a solid sheet of ice and freezing fog with people tailgating me. Tonight I came home to it snowing. It's been 2 1/2 years since George died and now this is my reality and it's a vastly different one than it used to be.

Anyway, I don't mean to depress you, I do appreciate your kind concern.

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William, thanks for your support and glad to see your photo with Myrna. We have come a long way with our faith, haven't we? When i was on my early months, i never thought i will heal..and now, im thankful i am finding my way again. I find comfort in sharing their sufferings, it keeps my mind away from my own pain.

~~~

Kay, the sadness in our hearts will always be there, that aching and longing for our loved ones. I've learned to live with it, and appreciate that it is a reminder of how much i loved him.

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With love Always Lyn, I felt like it was time to look at that picture and reveal it,the way she was, not the way she passed, for my own peace of mind also. its been a long road for many of us, somehow, someway we made it this far, I didn't think I would make it either, sometimes I still have idealation that its just seems better. Kay, you been strong before and continue on and we are never the same, you got a long life ahead of you, believe me, at my age I feel worn out and just plain out of gas. maybe grief has morphed into something like that, do you feel so distant from reality most of the time? Like a a bubble surrounding us? Kay, I wish I could open a door for you to walk in and experience joy that we all sorely miss. Perhaps being here, reading and posting gives you a small measure of renewal. I always feel warmth emanating from you. :wub:

With love my dear friends,

William

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William,

Is that a picture of you and Myrna, or did you cut out a couple of movie stars and paste it there? I hadn't noticed the picture before, you guys are a stunning couple!

Nope I don't feel a bubble, I feel all too immersed in reality. But I'm not all about sad, last weekend I had a really great time. I think though that once you lose your spouse, it's always just beneath the surface and it tempers whatever else we might feel in life.

Thanks for your encouragement, I'm okay. I'm adjusting...

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Hmmm Movie stars? yes that was us when we were first married :) I wish I had more of them, we were dirt broke back then. thanks for the compliment :) I know the same feeling too, its always under every thought or emotion, you seem better today. Almost another weekend, ugh..

Love,

William

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William,

Good for you that you are able to look at her pictures now. I still find it difficult to look at his photos, i couldnt even find the courage to sort the things he gave me. It makes me feel connected with him and i want to keep them. Part of me want to let go of some things, thinking that it will also help in my healing..but i dont have the strength to depart with them. Time will tell when im ready..

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Lyn, I think thats the only picture I can look at, when we were newlyweds and roughing it out. it was a "perfect" moment in time, when nothing went wrong. I have a picture of us before she fell gravely ill and I can't look at it in the bedroom so I just set it face down. Maybe that part of you knows just a little is ok right now, you will know when its the time, how frustrating not knowing when is the issue.

Thank you Karen, I appreciate the compliment, we almost looked alike huh? I had my session today and I just cried and cried, buying a house is bittersweet, how much I wished it was the both of us, I miss her so much. I may be in the moving process before the holidays and it gives me a valid reason NOT to spend it with my father :glare: I am ok, been busy doing nothing LOL

Love ya!

William

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