Having A Hard Time This Christmas

[Whiteswan]

Hi everyone. It's been a long time since I have been on here, have been busy selling the family home, finding a smaller suitable home for my son, animals and I, all the business of moving , etc, etc. My beloved Mom passed on into non-physical life April 2, 2006 and I got through that Christmas mostly by putting my focus on making the best Christmas possible for my son who was also very close to my Mom (we lived with her). That was my goal and focus last year , besides distracting myself with buying myself a lot of new clothes. Now we are in a new home (which I do like) but I really feel lost without my Mom, especially as Christmas draws nearer. Last yr I was the pillar of strength for my son as we faced the first Christmas without her (he had a very hard time Christmas Eve last yr crying for hours nearly to the point of vomiting and again on Christmas morning as we opened our gifts without her.) This yr I just feel so lost , like the reality of her not being here physically is really starting to sink in . Don't get me wrong, I have grieved , done all the sobbing , all the physical manifestations of grief, etc over the past 20 months since her death, but it's also like somewhere inside of me I guess I just kept thinking that someday I'll wake up from this horrible nightmare and she'll still be here physically! Denial? Anyone else still in the throes of this incredible grief after this long? Any insights would help. I also have been going through a spiritual/religious crises since her death -ie- I used to go to a open-minded more liberal Christian church yrs ago then about a yr and a half before her death I switched to a very conservative evangical type church and have been debating within myself since she died and I've had some very profound experiences (and my son has too) whether the liberal one is right or the evangical one is right. I decided the other day that I want to go to the Christmas service at the liberal one this yr (haven't been there in a long time) and at times I feel like I am trying to put a circle in a square box so to speak by trying to continue to go to the conservative evangical one. Know what I mean? Does the death of a loved one commonly do this to those left behind? Thanks to all..with love, Whiteswan

[AnnieO]

Hello,

I am really struggling right now too. My mom died Dec.06 and my dad died 2 months ago. Last Xmas is a blur, my mom died and one week later my dad went into the hospital and was there thru Xmas, well, actually he never went home again. So, I don't remember anything about last year. I feel so much more this Xmas and it's awful. When you said your son cried last year until he almost vomited, I can relate. It just seems so real and final. I fell apart today because I felt I had made a mistake donating all my mom's clothing, I wish I had kept a few things just to have around me. I have so many of her Xmas decorations out and I cry everytime I walk by them. I wish I had some encouring words or advice, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[shell]

Hi guys,

I think it is just impossible to go through the holidays without getting bluer than you were before. It's so understandable really. It's when you're suppose to be with the ones you love and be happy and joyful. Well....when not all of the ones you love are here, it's normal to feel it more sharply now. I don't know what the answer is. Just try to enjoy any small moment you can and maybe do more for others. That seems to fill the time and make you feel better. I know it does for me, anyway. Maybe the answer is to just accept your feelings and know there normal and not fight them. Cry it out when you feel sad and treasure the happy moments. Hang in there, we'll be through with the holidays soon. They DO end eventually, thank goodness!

Hugs,

Shell

[DoubleJo]

I also lost everyone in a short time. I've decided to be grateful that I had them and all their love. I try to smile about them instead of missing them. I cry, but I try to cry feeling full with all the love and warmth they gave me. That's not gone, and will never be gone because that has become a part of me.

Let your tears flow.... They are a testament to what you had.

DoubleJo

Regarding your religious feelings:

Your personal experiences and relationship with G-d will never be the same as someone else. Why should you try to fit yourself into someones elses version of the religious world? Your heart is the only truth of how you feel and it can't be hidden from a Supreme power. Be true to yourself- Who else COULD you be true to? G-d is with you whether you're in a church or not.

Take care- DoubleJo

[Whiteswan]

Thanks for all replies and it does feel better to know I am not alone. I guess I have fallen into society's trap of we should be over this by now as it has been 20 months since my Mom's passing. Thanks for all insights and I am going to try the one for sure regarding helping others. Actually that went along with what I was just reading in the book "Love Lives On : Learning From Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved " by Louis LaGrand Ph.D. He states that when we feel ready that one of the best healers of grief is to reach out and help others, which I also guess is what we are all doing here on this site -- helping each other through words of encouragement and letting each other know that we are not alone.

DoulbeJo: thanks for those words about religious experience. You stated it in a way that really spoke to my inner self! Yes, my experiences in the religious /spiritual realm are far different than what would be considered acceptable to the very conservative church I have been attending for the past 3 yrs so that is why I have felt drawn back to the more liberal one that I had attended for yrs prior -- the more liberal one would accept where I stand so to speak. However the conflict has also involved the fact that the conservative one has a childrens club on Wed evenings that my son likes to attend and they also teach him music free of charge on Thurs evenings so that he can play in their kids band and eventually in their adult band. Because of that I felt obligated to go to their Sunday services although I admit that I haven't exactly been faithfully attending Sunday service there since my Mom passed and I've had experiences that they would deem unacceptable to their doctrine. (They also did my Mom' memorial service and put on a nice dinner for everyone after so that also left me feeling obligated.) I think I'll just let my son go to his kids club there and his music lessons as he loves both and attend their Sunday service only when he is on stage with the kids band which is only once every 2-3 months. I think I'll be true to myself and attend the more open-minded liberal church on Sundays, the one that would accept and support where I am spiritually and my personal spiritual experiences. I just asked my son how he feels about that arrangement and he said he likes it because he likes the more liberal church better on Sundays and their Sunday school anyway "because they don't talk about the blood and gory of Jesus dying on the cross and how He got there because we are all sinners." He said the liberal one talks about "love and peace and how we are all God's kids." So decision mutually agreed upon! And thank you all for listening to me finally resolve this spiritual /religious conflict that has been pestering me for a long time now! Once again DoubleJo, thank you, your words helped me finally make this decision. Love and hugs, Whiteswan

[rosanne]

I am so sad... I think that is what hurts the most, your joy is gone and you feel so sad all of the time.

I lost my mom in June of this year and we are trying to take care of my dad, who is in a wheelchair, it is so hard.... to care for someone when you can not care for yourself, I don't really feel like I have gone through the process like I should have. I am so sad.... my heart is broke. I am trying but I just don't know.

Thanks you all!! YOU DO MAKE SUCH A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE!

Rosanne

[shell]

Rosanne,

Oh, I feel so much of your pain. I know what you mean about trying to take care of someone else when you feel you can't even take care of yourself. Taking care of the other person sort of takes over and leaves very little room for your own care. I went through that for two and half years, but I made it through and you will too. Just do anything you can for yourself and don't feel guilty for it! We've all heard it a million times...that if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of the other person. I had to constantly remind myself of that, because it really is true.

The sadness is always there, but it will get better, honestly. It will never leave completely, but it will ease up. Just hang in there, Rosanne, and know that our hearts are with you.

A big hug,

Shell

[rosanne]

Thanks, Shell! You have been such a big help to me, you just don't know.

I will be signing off today and will be back after Christmas... I pray that you will have peace- I pray we can all have a little peace in our hearts... this will be my first Christmas without my angel mom.

Love,

Rosanne

[Tracey B]

I lost my mom this June.their is no xmas this year, no tree no lights. my mom loved the lights.She was xmas and keep the family together. I can't even think about it without tears, why did she have to go??? people say it will get better but it has not. I feel so lost and alone. i find it had to get out of bed. I just don't know how get throw it all.

Tracey

[shell]

Tracey,

I lost my mom in June too. Some things that have kept me going are: my many, many kitties that need me, remembering that my mom is now out of her misery, that she is at peace, and others who have shown me they care and have helped me so much (most of them right here on this board!). I know how hard this is and when we say things will get easier, what we sometimes forget to say, or don't want to say, is that it will take a long time. You are still in the early stages, even at 7 months. You have to grieve, feel all those bad feelings and cry your eyes out. But by doing that, you will begin to heal. And it may take a long time to get to that point, but you will, trust me. You have to believe also, believe that you will get through this. Your mother will help "guide" you, I'm sure.

Big hugs to you,

Shell

[DoubleJo]

Whiteswan: I'm so glad you resolved your conflict. I can see why you felt obligated, and of course you wanted to give all that you could to your child.

It's wonderful that you can talk with your son. He has insight. Instilling vengeance, hate and violence is what causes man's inhumanity to man. Arrogance breeds contempt of others. Guilt corrupts and is used to gain control. You have one of G-ds blessings in your arms.

Take care-

DoubleJo

[Tracey B]

Shell

I don't know how much longer I hang hang on for. Like the saying tie a knot well the knot is coming lose and I can't take much more MY mom's birthday was on Dec 14 I want to go to the grave but could not how bad is that. I let her down again should have gone.Don't know what to do feel like crawling in a hole. maybe i should just end it all.

[AnnieO]

Just finished celebrating Xmas with my brother and his family. It was hard, first one without our parents. We managed to have some fun and laughter.

My brother gave me a gift that took my breath away. He was getting ready to donate a video camera and looked to see if there was a tape in it, there was. It's probably 7-9 years old. They made a copy for me, on it, there are parts with my parents on it. It's the only tape I have with my parents on it, I can't believe I don't have any other tapes. There is a part with my mom singing to my niece when she was a little girl. All the songs she sang to us when we were little and then to our kids. I have not watched it, my brother told me what was on it. I don't know when I will be able to watch it, but I love having it and knowing someday I will watch it and hear my mom's voice again.

I wish you all a peaceful night.

[shell]

Tracey,

As much as you feel like ending it all, you just can't. Think of how badly your mom would feel to know that she was the cause of you taking your life. I suggest that you go the Humane Shelter and adopt a pet. That is if you really like animals and will take care of one. Being needed by one of those precious little beings is the greatest feeling in the world. It gives you something to think about besides your own grief and a reason to get up and keep going. Doing something for someone else gives us a reason to be here, at least that's the way I look at it. My mom helped so many people and I'm trying to do the same. Hang in there, sweetie.

A big hug to you,

Shell

Annie,

Wow, what a gift! I have some videos like that too and haven't looked at them yet, but I'm so relieved I have them. Someday I will get a huge box of tissues and sit down and watch them. They also have many of my babies that I've since lost, so that's going to be a double tear-jerker. I'm so happy for you that your brother found that! Enjoy....someday, when you're ready.

Hugs,

Shell

[Tracey B]

ha Shell

I already have a dog a boxer he was mine than when mom was sick he was her gaurd dog no one could get near her he would sit on her,he was no mean he would lick and loved all people.He would just put himself between mom and even me.So now he do not leave.I did also own a pet store which i gave up 2 weeks ago,haveing melt down and could not handle it all. so don't know what to do feel like cramp.

[shell]

Tracey,

I'm sorry things are coming apart for you. The only thing I can say is to just give yourself the time to grieve and hug your little boxer. He is probably grieving too, so he needs you as much as you need him. Hang on tight to each other and give it time. Have you thought of going to a counselor or grief group? They help a lot and it might be good for you to look into that.

A big hug to you and your puppy,

Shell

[TeresaBennett]

well everyone were all on a up hill waterfall with a hole in the canoe what do we do ? well 1 of us can patch the hole another can balance the canoe thats way we can all take turns freaking out were all human we forget that at these bad times my dads been gone a month its all a bad nightmae its all over but the tears like he use to say.We have to realize our loved ones didnt want to leave us just it was time.out of there control my dad use to tell me few months before he died he said it kills me to think im hurting you all and im failing leaving he said it made him just want to cry .so our loved ones had the hardest part they had to take this last journey alone,An they have us all here to carry on all the happy memories and all they taught us to carry there names on so they are all still much very alive in all of us that love our loved ones who have passed bless everyone when you lay down to sleep dont cry because you have god and your loved one watching over you while you sleep .Teresa Bennett

[rosanne]

To all on this forum-

I feel your pain.... This has been the hardest time for me, I thought a couple of times I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I had three complete melt downs and cried my eyes out!

I am back at work now, so maybe I can focus on other things. I did not know the holidays were going to be sooo terrible! It makes you not want to go on.

When I looked at my dad, so dependent on my brothers and me, so sad looking like a little lost puppy- I could not imagine his pain! I cooked and did what I could not for us ,not for mom -but, for my dad- we know not what the future holds for any of us!

Love,

Rosanne