Sad

[drew]

My mom died three weeks ago yesterday. It was the day after Christmas. She had been sick for awhile, and I was her primary caregiver...for a long time her only caregiver. I am her only son. I just feel sad all the time now. And I'm not normally a sad person. My mom was not only my parent, but my best friend, and toward the end, she became like a child to me. It's strange when the child has to become the parent (I'm 21 years old).

I never could be around "medical" stuff or sick people. My mom had cancer twice before this, but the first time I was only 9, and I got shipped off to her friends' houses on her really bad days. My step dad died a few years ago, and I don't think I cried one tear. I felt like I had to be strong for my mom because she took it very hard. But now I feel like there is no one to be strong for. She was diagnosed this last time in February of 2007. I was scared to death. I'm still in school, and i just bought my first home. I immediately packed my bags and moved back in with my mom. She was soooo tired. Before she was sick, my mom was a vivacious woman, full of life. She loved to be around people, and was always helping someone. She started losing weight and found it difficult to do simeple things like carry laundry up and down the stairs, or stay awake for a movie. The doctors here told her that surgery was not an option. The cancer was in her hard and soft palate and in her jaw bone. She wanted it out, so she went to Florida to a specialist. They too said that radiation was the only option. She had already had radiation 12 years ago and knew that her body could not tolerate a whole lot more. Meanwhile this cancer was rapidly growing. No one would do ANYTHING! Finally a team of surgeons in Indianapolis agreed to do the surgery. It took 12 hours. That was the longest 12 hours of my life. I will never forget walking into the post-op room and seeing my mom, unconscious still, lying there. Everything was still covered in blood. Her hair was soaked in blood and it was all over her neck and chest. They had not prepared me for what I was about to see and the tears began to flow. Tears of joy that my mom lived through the surgery, and tears of sorrow that my precious mother would never be the same. They said she may not be able to talk or breath right. But the next morning she woke up and yelled at one of the doctors to come over and tell her how it went! He couldn't believe that she was breathing on her own and was able to talk (even though it was very difficult to understand her). As soon as I turned the corner, my mom's eye (she could only open one at this point due to swelling) lit up. She made some gurgling noises and reached for a piece of paper and pen. She wrote "I am SO glad to see YOU!" I tried to find a spot on her face that didn't have dried blood on it. I couldn't, so I kissed her anyway. I'm so glad I did. The next thing she wrote to me was "How do I look?" Her face was so swollen on the right side that she was unrecognizable. I only knew her because her name was written on a dry erase board next to her bed. There was a 2 foot long scar from her forehead down to the middle of her right arm, and around to the middle of her neck. She was covered in staples and blood and part of her hair was shaved off. I smiled and lied. I told her she looked great! Before cancer, my mom was a gorgeous woman. After cancer, she was even more beautiful in my eyes.

It took twelve days in the hospital. It's amazing how we celebrated tiny milestones. The first time she sat up in bed. The fist time she sat in a chair. When we got to take her catheder out. The first time she was able to walk again. Then reality set in. She looked different. She couldn't talk the same. She couldn't eat, and had to have a feeding tube. People looked at my mom like she was a freak. And the terrible thing was that I couldn't blame them. If I were them, I would stare too. The first time she got out of the car on our way home from the hospital, we went into a Panera Bread for me and her friend to get something to eat and so she could use the bathroom. people shreeked and a little girl looked scared of my mom. That was the worst because my mom loves kids and has always worked with them. She could only show emotion on one side of her face because they cut so many nerves during surgery. She couldn't even cry out of her right eye. We both collapsed into the car and weeped for a good 15 minutes.

I have to go to class now, but it feels good to get some of this off my chest. I know I haven't really mentioned anything about her death yet, but I will write more later. Thanks for listening.

Edited January 17, 2008 by drew

[lyn]

Drew,

My heart goes out to you. I am at loss for words, but I want you to know that there are a lot of caring people on this site and I do hope we can ease the pain you are feeling. It seems to me that you are a very loving and caring daughter. Please keep posting here. Letting it out will help lighten the heaviness in your heart.

I will keep you and your mom in my prayers..

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Drew, I'm so glad you found your way to us, and so deeply sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Lyn is right ~ you need a place to take your grief and tell every detail of your story of loss, and this is the place to do that. You will find such loving, compassionate people here. Your burden is so heavy, but we are right here beside you, so you won't have to carry it all by yourself. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[drew]

It seems to me that you are a very loving and caring daughter. Please keep posting here.

Thank you for your encouragement. Actually I am a guy...sorry for the confusion!

[Corinne]

Drew,

I am so so sorry for your loss. As I sit here reading your story the tears are just running down my face. You are such an unbelievably precious person. Your Mom must have been one awesome woman to have raised such wonderful, caring, good-hearted son. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[KathyG]

Drew,your story made me cry too and I'm so sorry you and your mom suffered so much for so long. But at the same time, I'm in awe of the courage and strength you and she showed in coping with her terrible illness. You gave her your all and did everything you could to make her life as good as it could be -- be proud of that, because not many people handle the dark times as well as you have done.

Please keep coming back here and share your thoughts and worries with the rest of us here; we'll help you any way we can. You've had to hold back your emotions and be strong for so long, but now try to put down your burden and let your grief flow. It will also help to concentrate on all the good things you and your mom shared and all she still means to you. Be good to yourself.

[lyn]

Aww..sorry for the confusion Drew. How are you doing now?

When I first got the news of the death of my love, my whole world shattered. It was my mom whom I turned to first, I cried and cried on her shoulder, and she just allowed me to cry. She knew how much I love him, how much we love each other. It was the first time I broke down, and crying on her shoulder gave me the strength I needed at that time.

I am so grateful that I have also found this site, this allows me to express my thoughts and feelings. My journey was made bearable..I am on my 7 months now. How time flies so fast, I miss him everyday, but I tried to focus on the happy memories I have with him.

Allow yourself to cry if you need to. We will always be here for you.

[AnnieO]

Drew,

I am so sorry about your mom. Your story brought back so many memories for me. I lost my mom in Dec. 2006 and my dad 3 months ago. I too, was the main caregiver, I know how hard that can be.I admire your strength and courage. I was 45 years old when my mom first got sick, I cant imagine taking care of my parents at your age.I am sure your mom is so proud of you, she raised a wonderful young man. Please keep posting, there are so many caring people here. You will be in my thoughts.

[shell]

Drew,

Like Annie, I was my parents main caregiver and your post brought back so many memories for me too. All I can say is that it is young people like you that bring back my faith that there are some caring ones left! You are an incredible young man and should have a lot of pride in yourself for what you did for your mom. You can always have the peace that you did all you could for her and were there for her until the end. That's very important. It will take you a long time to heal, so be patient with yourself, and just get in touch with all your feelings. Facing them and going with the flow of them will help you heal.

A big hug to you,

Shell

[LoriS.]

Drew, your story made me cry also. You are an amazing young man and your mom was so lucky and to have a son like you. And you were so lucky to have had so much pride and love for her. You will cherish her love for you and your love for her for the rest of your life.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Take care...Lori

[lorikelly]

Drew

What a wonderful son you were, you mom must of been a great person to have raised someone like you!! i am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mom 18 mos ago, it has been the worst pain i have ever experiencecd. i to took care of my mom and can understand when you say they become the child and you the parent.

please keep coming back and posting, this has helped me so much.

Lori