Post Traumatic Stress.

[sandralb]

Does anyone else feel like they are reliving the worst moments of their loved one's suffering or passing, over and over? I think that's the main thing that is bothering me when I feel sad. I want to remember the good times, but I find myself being pulled back into the more difficult ones.

[drew]

I find it difficult not to think of the terrible times. In fact, sometimes it feels almost comfortable to go to that place. I can instantly put myself back in the hospital room or my mom's room at home. Then I relive the whole last year and cry and cry and cry. I try to figure out where it all went wrong. I try to figure out what I could've done differently. I talk to mom and tell her that its ok and that I'm not going to let anything happen to her. Its a sad, pitiful picture, but its my everyday life. I realize its only been a month since she died and that it is ok for me to still be here. However, I fear that I will never leave this place.

This is the longest I've ever gone without talking to my mom. It just doesn't feel right. The terrible part is that I wish that my mom was still here, even if she were still sick. That is so selfish, but I miss her. Reality is, nothing I could have done would have saved her. The cancer was everywhere toward the end. I just didn't want to believe it. We never accepted the fact that she was dying, and I wish we would have.

[shell]

I go through periods where I replay my mom and my dads illnesses and deaths. It is natural to do this and especially right after their death (and I mean months...not just days). But I think it's part of the healing process and eventually you won't think about it as much. You will go over and over it until you come to terms with it and accept that there was nothing else you could have done. To me, it's almost like exhausting yourself to the point where your mind finally says "Enough".

Hugs,

Shell

[Whiteswan]

I think we all go through that. It will be 2 yrs in April that my Mom has been gone and I still find those memories of her illness and death creeping into my thoughts along with all the feelings that went with it. Yesterday I was thinking that it was 2 yrs ago to the day that she went into hospital telling me as she went "This will be the end of the road. I just want you to know so you'll be prepared." She seemed to know. She did come out of hospital on March 31/06 but only at her request so that she could die at home in the privacy of her home with her family. So yeah, I think we all have those memories and I think we do because they were tramatic for all of us . They were also the last memories we have of our loved ones and I think the human mind recalls what it last experienced first when stirring up memories. Love to all. P.S. How are all the other Northners dealing with this big Winter Storm today? As you can see I am dealing with it by being on this site. Cold outside so I'm seeking my warmth here . My son is seeking his on his Nintendo DS.

[sandralb]

I guess you're right, but it seems strange that I keep thinking about and analyzing her last days/hours when I'm so aware of the fact that there was literally nothing more I could do to help her. She knew it too, just like your mom.

[Cindi]

I fit this topic as well. Hearing my crying dad say "Go if you have to, but stay as long as you can."

I remember the night before my Mom had the seizure that caused the significant brain damage. She seemed so defeated. Remembering what she looked like in death, and not wanting to leave because I knew I would not see her again in this world. Just writing this makes me cry...I could not for the life of me talk about this to anyone without falling to pieces. So much better to put it in writing.

Very hard to remember the fun times.

[sandralb]

Oh, Cindi. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to talk about all of this. I find it easier to write about it as well.

I sat beside my mom after she died and the two other women who were with me left the room. I continued to talk to her and touch her skin. I didn't want to leave, and it was going to be awhile before the hospice nurse arrived and the funeral home people came to take her away. I sat there thinking about her final few minutes, when I had laid down beside her on the bed, held her and told her how much I loved her, how I had always been so proud of her, and what a great role model she was for me. She moved her hand slightly one final time and then breathed her last.

I doubt I'll ever be as stong or as brave as she was. I think some of this stress is now intensified because I just realized last week that the cancer probably robbed her of her vision at the end, and that is most likely why she was so distressed in her final few hours, but she was unable to communicate it to me. I remembered her saying in weeks previous that she did not want to die blind, but she had a lot of problems with her eyesight and I think that's what happened. She was so very distressed in her final hours, but all she could do was lay there and moan in pain. So, here, several months later, I'm feeling sad about that night all over again but for a new reason. It's so hard.

Please stay stong, and I'll do the same. Thanks for sharing your feelings even though it's difficult.

[drew]

I know exactly what you mean sandralb...

It was only after my mom died that I truly began to grasp the great deal of pain she must have been in. During her last week alive, I was pressuring my mom to get out of bed and walk. She would just close her eyes and frown and ignore me. I got so frustrated with her. One of the nurses took me aside and told me that my mom was is much more pain than she was letting on. After she died I went through her medical records and recent scans and saw that the cancer was in her brain, skull, jaw, lung, back, shoulder, eye...basically everywhere. I am crying right now just thinking of how much pain my mom must have been in...and for quite some time. She never liked to take pain medicine, but the last few months, I remember her begging me for more medicine, but I couldn't give it to her because it wasn't time yet. I carried liquid morphine and vicodin in my pocket for 3 months. We never went anywhere without those and a syringe (she had a feeding tube). It is all so sad because my mom was so young and full of life. I just wish she was here.

[shell]

That's the one thing we can be grateful for, that our loved ones are no longer in pain.

Hugs,

Shell

[JoyL]

it's what keeps me up at night...i wish i didn't have to see the last seconds mins hours days..but if i didn't i know i would have regreted it. he knew i was there doing whatever i could to make him comfortable and loved. it still makes me ill, physically (been only 3 weeks to the day) and i replay the night over and over again...till i cry (and cry and cry)..i have been told eventually the good memories will replace the horrible ones..and i can't wait.

i wish we all didn't have to go through this!

[shell]

The horrible memories of their last moments does fade in time, or we at least find a way to keep them out of our minds. It's been such a short time for you. Just try to remember that it will get easier to deal with eventually.

Hugs,

Shell

[Midnight]

Joy

I am going through exactly what you are.

I was with my dad when he passed away. I was out of the room for about 30 seconds and he died during this time.

But I replay over and over his last moments, and I cant get this out of my head. I was not sleeping and was waking up every hour.

I finally went to my doctor and said I am not functioning.

He was great, we talked for one hour about dads death, the doctor did not even know dad, but he talked like he did and he really cared.

He put me on this mild sleeping pill and it is helping. The days are tough though, I find myself very angry and snapping at people.

Right now, I just want to scream, DOES ANYONE CARE!

Why, because no one is asking how are you. The funeral was over weeks ago, and everyone thinks that I am ok, but I am not. Can someone not see that!

I am going to see my doctor in the next week and I am scared to tell him that I am not functioning. The nights are better for me, but the days are long and I cant concentrate, when I eat I throw up, and I cant remember things that I used to. At work people would come up to me and ask me for phone numbers, now I cant even remember my own.

Will things ever get better... Can someone tell me how long am I going to feel like this, because I feel so awful and alone....and no one in my family seems to understand... The only one that seems to care is my doctor who calls me each week and says how are you...I am scared to tell him the truth.....that each day is hell to get through...

[shell]

Midnight,

You have a one in a million doctor! Consider yourself very lucky for that and tell him the truth about how you feel. I'm sure he can help you some.

Hugs,

Shell

[rosanne]

Midnight-

I know exactly everything and I do mean everything that you are going through! I am there, too- DOES ANYBODY CARE????

I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer June 2007- she was my life........... my best friend my everything. I have no joy, I feel like I have been robbed I thought I would have her forever.

It just seems like when the funeral was over everybody went on about their lives and never gave it a second thought.. and you are left with such an emptiness a hole that feels like it will never be filled again.

I care... we are here for you and I do find comfort being able to come on here and pour out my heart....

There will be a better day!

[angelwings]

yes im new here and found the site today mum passed on the 3rd and i relive the last 8 hour we spent with her i tryed to hold her on for a few minuits longer, so my sister could be here but she wanted to go she was only 5 min away.. she said her good byes during the night, before she left

but i kept saying to mum hold on just hold on justa few miniuts she will be here

i relive it again an again

dianne

[shell]

Dianne,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom. As you said, she was ready to go and so she couldn't hold on, but that's ok. You will relive all of it for a long time but eventually time will soften it a bit. Hang in there and take one day at a time. Glad you found this site and welcome!

Hugs,

Shell

[jojomg]

My dad died jan 2 of 08 and I am finding it harder every day..every day is one more day to get past that I can't talk to dad...one more day we can't talk politics, one more meal I have to eat with watching him enjoying eating like no one else in the world..until the cancer took that away from him.. I feel like I should have been prepared he did have melanoma for the past year and a half, but he is the person I love most in the world.. more than my kids ..or siblings..dad was always there for me always no matter what time or how far away I was he would come to help me he went on all the rides at disney, he could run around all day..go down the water slides..dad was always smiling..I feel like I will never smile again...I don't know if this feeling will pass but I really don't care if I live or die..i would never kill myself but I don't care one way or the other..hopefully that will change..I know we all have to go through it ..we are all gonna die..my sister and mom tried to tell me he was dying but I couldn't let myself think that ..I told him every day he was getting better ..he trusted me..I did the research for what treatment he would do and I feel like I failed him ..i let him die..the second night in the hospital the doctors were talking to him about an ifection he had and my dad grabbed my hands and said " I'm so scared" I asked him what he was scared about .,he just squeezed my hands and said " i have never been so scared in my whole life' he was alone when he died..none of us stayed with him...I feel like I did everything wrong..made all the wrong decisions.it is hell ..I feel dead inside ..

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[shell]

jojomg,

My dad died of cancer too and you always wonder (no matter what the illness) if you could have done soemthing else, or different, if it would have made a difference. I personally believe in fate, that no matter, the outcome was meant to be. You loved your father, so you did not let him down in any way, shape, or form. You did not fail him because that's what ultimately counts, what is the best you could give him...your love.

You mentioned you have kids and that you don't care if you live or die. Your kids need you and the greatest honor you could give your father is to be like he was, always there for you. If you follow in his steps in the same way for your children, it would be like continuing on his "legacy". Just something to think about.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hugs,

Shell