My Dad Died And I Am Not Functioning Too Well

[Midnight]

My father passed away three weeks ago at the age of 95 from a massive heart attack. I know he lived a good life but it still hurts. People are telling me to get over it, even my sister said its time to get over it. Well I am trying to. But I am so angry and I know that is part of the grieving process. I have not been sleeping well, not concentrating, forgetting things, and just feeling like a basket case. So I went to my doctor because I was so tired and could not function. He put me on this pill to help me sleep and it sure has helped. I wake up and feel like a new person, however three days ago I ran out of the pills and I am back to not functioning. I am scared to tell my doctor that I am not better, but he has has been so good, and so compassionate. Should I tell him the truth that I am not better. People think I should just snap out of it. I have never had someone who I was close to or loved so much die and I am not coping too well. I cry any time of the day when I think of him or hear a sad song. I keep seeing my dad in the bed lying there, before he died he was gasping for breath,I thought he was in pain but my doctor said it was a reflex - that he did not suffer. I cant let people see me grieving because they dont value my dads life the way I do. Sure he lived a great life, but I miss him so much and life is so void without him. Should I tell my doctor what I am going through, my sister said keep it up and he will put me on antidepressants, I am not depressed I am in mourning and no one understands this..

[Cindi]

Midnight:

Please read my post to you under "my father died two weeks ago..."

You have come to the right place and we are holding you tight. Nothing that you feel is wrong or unusual. The loss of a parent hurts and it hurts for a long time.

Hang in there and stay here with us. We will do our best to support and help you.

Love,

Cindi

[shell]

Midnight,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been three years since my dad died and nine months since I lost my mom and I'm still not "over" either of them and never will be. I've learned to cope with life without them because you just have to go on, but I will always have days (sometimes weeks) that it seems like just yesterday that it happened. So, ignore people who tell you to "get over it". You take your time, and do whatever you have to, to take care of your own emotions.

Yes, I would tell your doctor how your feeling. As far as your sister "threatening" that he will put you on antidepressants, many of us on this board (including myself) are on antidepressants and that's not a bad thing. It might be just what you need to help you through this. Feeling a little less depressed and able to cope and sleeping better are important things at a time like this. If your doctor thinks you need them, then don't feel bad about taking them. See what he thinks and tell him honestly what you're feeling. It sounds like he might be the type of doctor who will understand and help you.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Midnight]

Cindi

I tried to find that post, but cant

Where is it?

thanks

[MartyT]

I think you'll find it here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=21826

[Midnight]

I am trying to cope as best I can, but again I am not doing so well. In fact, I think the more time goes on, the more angrier I am. And this last week, I have been so bitchy and angry. My husband asked me last night where his jeans were and it turned out to be a screaming match with me only for about half an hour. Last week, I had a pail in my hand - and I threw it at him, so this is something I have to deal with and deal with fast. I lost my dad, I dont want to lose him, he knows what I am going through, but this is not acceptable at all. I will mention it to the doctor when I see him. And pray he does not commit me for mental and physical abuse. Is this where antidepressants can help me calm down, I have never been like this ever. Mind, you no one close to me has ever died. I feel like no one is going through this or has been through this.

What bothers me the most, is that no one asks How are you? Its like no one cares...the funeral is over...that is it....and I took one week off from work and I am suposed to be ok.

Its like you are to be over it. And I am having a hard time with everything, and its only been three weeks since his death. I cry at a moments notice, and just get weepy with no warning.

Does everyone feel like this? Am I the only one feeling like a basket case, is this something my doctor can help me with. I am almost afraid to tell him how I am feeling, but he is good.

And my brother just called me crying about how he is not doing too good, and I was at work, and I started crying and I said cant you get over it.

I am no different, I am going to call him afterwork and apologize for being a smuck. Your comments are greatly appreciated.

thanks Marty

that is what I wanted to find

[shell]

Midnight,

Yes, antidepressants might help, so talk to your doctor (especially since you are throwing pails at your hubby, which, as you said, is not good). Three weeks is no time at all and it is no wonder you are feeling so badly. Hang in there, talk with your doctor and realize that it will take a long time to cope with it all. Just ignore the people who think you should be "over it" by now...they are idiots or haven't been there!

Hugs,

Shell

[allalone]

Please accept my condolences for your loss and I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time.

It is totally ok to take the time you need to grieve. You are in mourning and don't let anyone else for a moment tell you that "it's time" or whatever. Each person is different and also the time we need to have the pain subside is very individualistic.

I believe it is ok to tell your doctor that you need some more of the medication that you have found helpful. I would advise him that this is the first time you lost someone so near and dear to you and he will likely say that it is ok to feel that way and likely conclude that each person is different in their grieving. Sometimes people who say these terrible things don't often make the parallels that if two people sustain a physical injury, one person may rebound quickly, while the other may not. It is dependent upon many factors - this is also true of our emotional make up.

I lost my mother last July and it has been 8 months now and I have come to a point where I do not cry every time I talk about her. I still cry when I visit her grave, but the profound grief has lifted. I know my mom would be ok with this.

It's ok to be angry with things right now and not to do so well. My thing was and is still the odd time to take a hot bath and cry in the bath. Between the crying and the hot bath it releases a great deal of emotion and allows you to sleep better. Also early on I was furious at my stepfather for donating all of my mother's clothes and books without even allowing us children to have a momento that was especially meaningful to us. One day I beat up a pillow and this helped some of the pent up emotion from such a cruel and callous thing he did. I didn't think such a physical outlet would do anything but for some reason it did help. Maybe this will help you too if you find that you maybe inadvertently releasing anger/frustration towards others.

There will come a time when you will be cried out. I reached that point almost a month ago. Unfortunately I am experiencing chest pains when very tough emotions come up regarding my mom's estate, so do be prepared that you may have some other manifestations of the emotional strains that you will be faced with.

I know the saying time heals is something everyone uses. Even though it is so cliche, I can tell you things will get better and there will be a time when you can remember your dad without tears and smile about the good times you had together.

I am the most emotionally sensitive of my siblings and I know that my siblings have said similar things and I have just countered that we all grieve differently and that I will never 'get over' it, but things will get better in time. I often apologize for getting upset - which I shouldn't have to but it is just something my mom handed down to me.

If you have always been the strong one of your siblings and your dad was your rock then it only makes sense that you would be distraught. If you go on antidepressants for a short time to help you through the difficult time of mourning, so what? We are lucky enough to live in a time where we have medicines that can assist us through such times. When you feel a bit better you can also go to a bereavement group. Perhaps if you can, you may want to also talk to a counsellor or read some books. I have mentioned a couple books that have helped me, but also keeping a diary may help.

You can probably hear the mother in me wanting to help. My daughter is just going through the worst of her grieving so I have come to a point where I can help others.

I hope you will find some solace in the words that this community writes to you and know that we all have nothing but the best heartfelt feelings for you through this difficult time.

[Cindi]

Hi, Midnight...its me, Cindi and I am such a dork!!! Look under the heading "does the pain get easier?" with a sub of father dying two weeks ago.

As always, you and the rest of my friends here are always on my mind and in my heart filling up the empty space that appeared when my Mom departed.

I am so grateful for you all!

Cindi

[jojomg]

I lost my dad jan 2 08 and I don't feel like I will ever get over it. every day gets a little worse..one more day that I didn't get to talk to dad..one more tv show he will never watch..one more meal he won't eat I am trying so hard and people tell me to move on ..If I knew how to I would ..I want this horrible burning pain and grief that I feel I could do without it.I guess I seem alright during the day to the outside world..but when I get in my car alone I cry so hard I feel like my eyes will just fall out ..the longing to see him ..to hug him just one more time is so strong. I feel like I would give up my life for one more hug..one more I love you dad..I find it harder to sleep every night ..a take ambien and still don't fall asleep all the time. my mother told me I am obsessed with dads death..I just feel so out of control..nothing has ever hurt like this before and I find it hard to go to the store..or the gas station..it feels in my head that the world has ended and yet evryone is going on normal..its the worst feeling..but I have never loved anyone more that I love my dad..not even my own kids..I have never taken a vaction without dad easter was the first holiday without dad and it was brutal,

[Midnight]

jojomg

I totally feel your pain.

On most days, I dont want to get out of bed, but I do it for the rest of my family....I have to...and I thank god that I have my husband...otherwise I would not be in a good state.

I never went home for Easter, I just could not do it. My mother was hurt, I always go home for Easter - the pain was just too much. I tried to go home, got in the car, started driving and just started crying so bad, I could not drive...so to protect the other people on the road, I turned away and came home...I was miseable the whole holiday....

I too feel so out of control and so angry that I want to punch someone -anyone and that is not me at all...

and what hurts me the most is that everyone has gone on with their things, the funeral is over no one asks or seems to care....that is what angers me so much....

I find this forum has helped me so much

people who are dealing with the same thing as I am - I dont feel so alone....

and its great because I cant talk to anyone in my family as if I am not crying 24 hours each day then I am over it....

[SamR]

Midnight:

Give yourself time. My Dad died in August 2007 and I am still a basketcase. During the day I do my things for the house, kids, and Husband. But, at night, when I have time to think I am still so horribly sad and it has been seven months. The world and your friends do go on and you just have to survive each day one at a time. It seems to me that this grief process is a long journey. Try and not be so hard on yourself. Cry, scream, continue to throw things at your husband (but not anything too hard) and allow your mind and body to do what they need to do to grieve.

SamR

[tattoodlb]

Hi Midnite and everyone! I'm sorry for all of your losses...

Being angry after a parent (or a loved one) passes on is normal, how you express it is as individual as you are! Although I don't normally recommend throwing stuff at spouses or anyone else letting off steam is important...I would highly recommend getting out to exercise either to a gym, or just walking around in a safe place, track at a school, road with sidewalk...etc. I have found that exercising has helped me tremendously....it gives me a purpose to get out of bed and out of the house and it helps me focus (I can think inwardly about everything and not be bothered by anyone) and it burns off that anxious energy. While anti-depressants are helpful, they can also be dangerous, I would take these with caution and only with very specific doctor guidance, drugs are not the answer, but merely a crutch to get over the toughest times in my opinion. Family members and friends who do not speak to you or ask you how you are doing are afraid to say something to upset you..please don't take it personally...that happened to me after my mom died..NO one talke to me for a long time...years as a matter of fact. In general people are very uncomfortable with death and dealing with bereaved. You can certainly reach out and say, "Hey, I miss you, please don't be afraid to talk to me..." but be prepared to say you either don't want to talk about death or you do...to see what the other person's comfort level is....Unfortunately, some family members and close friends just don't know what to do or how to behave in these circumstances.

Posting here and reading posts will surely help you...time is also a great healer....may you find peace !

[Midnight]

Just when I think I am going to be ok, it just hit me in the face like a brick.

It's been five weeks since dad died and I am the one who is handling all the paperwork work for my mom and arranging her pensions, and stuff for income tax. He was denied his death benefit not sure why but I am fighting for it, he has worked his whole life and now they are denying him of that.

Its strange but dad was bedridden for the last five years and my mom was handling the paperwork and stuff and now she calls me everytime she gets a letter for something. Its frustrating. Not to mention her calling me at work and crying then I cant function after she calls because I am upset. I have asked her to call me at home but this is not happening.

I have not had a good nights sleep in days since my sleeping pills ran out. Going to see the doc tomorrow - I am still so very angry sometimes...last night I could not sleep so I punched the wall, now I have a swollen wrist and it hurts everytime I am typing.

My husband has been great, but hates to see me crying all the time, so I go and hide in the bedroom. He tells me not to cry, but I cant help it..my dads birthday is coming up, we would have been going home to celebrate it like all of us kids did. I plan on going through with the party and get together and though he was there. Maybe that is a dumb idea but it is my way of coping.

I tell myself that dad was 95 he lived a great life, was the best dad. But it is still a loss. I know he was still my dad, even though people say he was 95, did you want him to live forever, that is the hard part. Age is just a number and it does not matter if your loved on is 55 or 105, it is still a big hole in my heart. And the way I feel, its not getting any better anyday soon.

[rosanne]

Midnight,

You are so right, it is a hole in the hearts that have been left behind.

I really do not have any encouraging words, I just try and take it a day at a time, and somedays, I do so bad.... it has been 10 months since' I lost my mom. Our lives are forever changed.

Your mother is depending on you to help her, which I know you are doing all you can and will continue- to do, but I do understand your frustrations.

I think you are doing a lot better than you are giving yourself credit for, try and give yourself a break there.

Try to do something just for YOU!

Take Care..