Almost 4 Months

[Scotty]

Feeling real bad again.

Set a date to inter Kates ashes on May 15, now that the snow has finally gone. I managed to go through her vast perrenial gardens and rake out most of the dead stuff from last fall. Crocuses have finished blooming and lots of green things poking through. I have no idea what 98% of them are, could be weeds as far as I know. The lawn I looked after and she had her gardens. Sure wish I would of paid more attention to what she did with them.

Finally got around to placing a phone call to her brother 5hrs. away. I haven't talked to him since the funeral. Told him he could come up and get Kates pottery wheel and kiln any time for his wife. Going to be hard to see it all go. Not real sure why he thought I'd be interested in hearing about all his travel plans this summer with his wife, but so be it.

Going to be 4 months real soon and sure wish I was making some progress with this. Seems I go from bad days to worse. Thinking I may look into seeing a counsellor or therapy. I've tryed doing this alone and it doesnt seem to be working.

I've been back to work for a month now and just barely getting by. I think people think that because I'm back to work, everything is O.K. How I wish that were true.

Take care

[MartyT]

Oh Scotty ~ Bless your sweet heart. If only our relatives, friends and co-workers had a clue about any of this. Please see some of the articles and resources listed on this page of my Grief Healing Web site ~ you might consider printing a couple of the articles and sending them to that brother-in-law of yours:

Helping Someone Who's Grieving

And I hope you will pursue your interest in consulting with a grief counselor. I think it is one of the best presents you can give to yourself, and you deserve it. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't hesitate to seek professional help to make sure it heals properly ~ yet here you are with a broken heart, and you're expecting to take care of it all by yourself. You do not have to do this all by yourself!

[LarrysGirl]

Scotty, I'm sorry you've hit a rough patch in your grief. It is such a difficult journey to go through. I know for me, friends and family, weren't alot of help. Its hard when you would think the people that care for you aren't able to help. I know it must be hard to return to work and just because you've managed to do that, peoples perception are all wrong. You are trying to put some sort of life and normalcy back together. Little do they know how hard this is. Everyone here has experienced this sort of thing and we do understand. Talking to a counselor can help, particularly if they are grief counselors. Coming to this site and sharing your feelings will help in the long run. You will have bad days and sometimes better days. Just try to hang in there and not be hard on yourself. Deborah

[Scotty]

Thanks for the links Marty,

Through work, we have an Employee Assitance Program and I gave them a call this evening. They're going to set me up early in the week with a counselor. I'll see how that goes.

Thanks for the reply Deborah. Your right about friends and family being of little assitance. You can be in a room packed with people and still feel all alone. I thought I could get through this on my own, but I feel like I'm in a large hole clawing my way out and making no progress.

Take care

...Scotty

[Gail_R]

Scotty..I know this is hard my husband Bruce's has been gone 15 months and there are day's I just think that I just cann't do this any more but then I think of all the goodtimes that I had with my husband and know that he is right here with me helping me. This is the second spring without him and I thought that this year would be easier see our two boy's out working the fields but it's not(we farm) took lunch out to my youngest son the other day and after I left him I cried all the way home.I think the only thing that is keeping me going is knowing that I have two grandsons on their way my oldest son and his wife are have their first on May 25 and my daughter and her husband are having theirs on Sept 6 this little one will have Bruce's name...Nathaniel Bruce...her dad would be so proud. Just know Scotty that there will be some good day's ahead but there will also still be some bad day's too. Take care of yourself. Gail

[missingcharlie]

Gail - Congratulations on the "upcoming" grandchildren. I have 3 and they are absolutely the best!!!!

Scotty - I, too, am so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. 4 months is NOT very long, so don't be too hard on yourself. What you are going though is very normal.

I wanted to write and give you some hope.....next month will be 3 1/2 years since I lost Charlie; my best friend, the love of my life for over 20 years. It hasn't been easy, but I've managed to get through it. I still miss him so much - especially when I see couples doing things together...weekends are still tough. We used to spend every weekend together - even if we weren't doing ANYTHING; we just enjoyed being together. BUT I'm still here and moving forward with my life. It just takes time and you have to "bear with it!" Do what you can - don't rush things. Maybe it's too soon for you to give away your wife's things. It was 2 years before I could pack up Charlie's clothes. Take one day at a time.....

Hugs to you. We're always here..

Patti

[Art]

Hi Scotty,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. I agree with the others that it is very normal what you're experiencing. I'm at 14 months since losing my wife of 34 years and I'm still having a hard time. I think there are some good days and I begin to think I'm really making progress and then it hits, in waves, sometimes like a tsunami, almost completely overwhelming, and I feel like I'm back at square one. If there is a formula or system for dealing with this thing called grief I haven't found it. I think the counselling is a good idea. I have been reluctant, but have now given in and plan to set up sessions this week. My situation has gotten so diffficult that my boss has made it mandatory for me. I know he's right. I also agree that friends and family mean well and they do care, but I think they are usually more harm than help. Stay with us here and let us know how it goes with the counselling and I will do the same. All of us here are here because we know the road you're on and it is long and rough. We need you to travel with us. It is a lonely journey and we don't have to go alone.

Art

[Scotty]

Patti, I guess 4 months isn't that long on this journey, just tired of "just getting by". Hoping some counselling may help. Been keeping myslf awfully busy and beginning to qustion if that is a good thing or am I just avoiding dealing with the grief.

Gail, congrats on the upcoming grand babies. I look forward to the time when I can say I've had a good day. At this point I cant imagine it but yet realize that they will come.

Art, I too wasn't sure about the idea of counselling either, but at this point I'll try anything. Managing this on my own sure isn't cutting it.

I agree that most family and friends mean well, but with out going through it, they are clueless as to what we actually need.(as was I, 4 months ago)Take care

....Scotty

[kayc]

Scotty,

I'm glad you're going to make contact with a counselor, and I hope they are able to help you. The friends and relatives are still in their lives and don't realize how meaningless everything else seems to us in comparison with our loss. I find that even now, most people have no clue what I've been through, and that's one reason this website has meant so much to me, it has been invaluable to me to find that here is a group of souls that can not only relate, but care.