Introduction From A Recent Widower

[JoeA]

Hello. I’m new here. Six weeks ago I lost my wife of 29 years to cancer. I would just like to know - how can anyone do this? I feel like I’m broken and there aren’t enough pieces left to put me back together. I’m living in a house that we built 27 years ago. There are too many memories. My friends tell me to hang on, that the day will come when those memories will be treasured. Maybe, but right now they just hurt. All I want to talk about is my loss, and by now I think people have heard enough. I participate in conversations, but without feeling, without any real involvement. I feel like I’m stuck in one place and the rest of the world is moving on – there’s a growing gap between me and the rest of the world. I know many many people have been through this and have managed somehow to create a new life for themselves. I just don’t know how.

Thanks for letting me vent here. Obviously I’m pretty down right now. I promise to post again if my spirits improve.

- Joe

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Joe and welcome, I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. We truly understand as each one of us has lost the person we loved most in this world. In the beginning it does feel as if you are an alien in a world you don't recognize. I always have said I feel like I speaking some foreign language because NO ONE understands me. Your world has changed and it will take some time to regain your footing. I'm at alittle over two years and I am still trying to get my balance. It does feel like people around you are tired of listening but try to set that aside and share here on this site. Write as often and as much as you want, this is what WILL help you. I tried this whole time to get the people around me to understand how horrible this is, how sad I am, how frightened and lost I feel. It was like talking to a wall and the more I tried the worse it got. Again, I'm so sorry and I'm glad you've found this site. It will be the best group of caring people to help you thru your journey. Deborah

[Art]

Hi Joe,

I am truly sorry for the terrible loss that brings you here, but you have found the right place. I lost my wife of 34 years just 14 months ago. I still don't know who I am without her. My heart is broken in so many pieces I can't find them all much less put them back together. Sometimes I feel I am moving ahead and then it hits me so hard I feel I'm starting all over again. Friends and family were not much help even though they cared and tried. I bought several self help books on the subject . It seemed they were good at describing the symptoms of grief but a little short on solutions. This site has been the most helpful thing I've found. You might also want to consider some professional counselling. Up until now I have refused to do it myself, but I'm setting it up next week on orders from my boss. I didn't argue with him because I need the help. Please stay with us here. I have spent many sleepless, tearful nights on here reading other people's posts. Somehow it truly helps to know you are not alone on this journey. The load is heavy and way is rough, but there are loving and caring people here willing to help you carry this pain.

Art

[KathyG]

Welcome, Joe. I'm sorry for your great loss and the pain it's causing you. Please don't feel that you have to be in good spirits to post here. In fact, it'll help you most to come here when you feel worst so you can just let it all out. We've all been where you are, many of us also feel broken, and we'll listen and try to help as much as we can.

Try not to worry too much about being out of synch with the rest of the world, because it's a normal and reasonable reaction to what you're going through. These are far from "normal" times , and recovery will probably be one of the toughest things you'll ever do. So it's OK to step back a little bit to process and understand all the new feelings and experiences that are happening to you now. It takes a long time to adjust to losing someone who was a major part of your life and to discover what you want the rest of your life to be like. My husband died five months ago, and I'm still very far from knowing who I am now or who and what I want to be going forward.

Following Art's suggestion about counseling will help very much. Counselors listen to and sympathize with what you share with them; they won't turn away when you vent your feelings, and they'll help you identify and deal with all the changes your loss has forced on you. Your counselor will also encourage you and help you see where you're starting to recover when you don't feel like you've healed at all.

I don't agree that self help books won't help you find solutions; I think their helpfulness depends on finding the books whose message speaks to you. Two books you might try: "Recovering from Losses in Life," by H. Norman Wright and "Finding Your Way through Grief: a Guide for the First Year," by Marty Tousley. Marty is the wonderful moderator for this site. I like the other book because it presents several exercises that can help you work through your feelings about loss.

Probably the greatest lesson to learn when you've lost a loved one is that the only way to heal is to let yourself grieve and confront your grief straight on. Grief demands to be resolved; it becomes more intense and causes more pain if you try to ignore it.

[Scotty]

Hello Joe

So sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. I lost mine 4 months ago to cancer and it feels like yesterday. Its an incredibly hard journey. This is great place to vent, we're all in the same boat here. No magic solutions to be found, but spend some time reading the present and past posts. Sure you'll find a lot of similarities to what your feeling. Friends and family mean well, but without experiencing what your going through, they are sometimes of little help. No need to wait til you spirits improve to post.

Take care

...Scotty

Edited April 28, 2008 by Scotty

[kayc]

Joe,

I am so sorry you lost your wife. Please post any time you want, no need to apologize for your low spirits, believe me, we've all been there. You very aptly described how I have felt since George's death, that there is a growing gap between me and the rest of the world. It has been nearly three years for me and I have remarried, but I'm afraid the grief process doesn't ever seem truly over. The intensity is overwhelming in the beginning but later on we become better at coping and adjusting...we don't like it, but we learn to accept what we cannot change. It does take a tremendous amount of effort to get through this and in time, it does get better, but for now just realize that the ups and downs are all a part of the process. You will experience much that I cannot even begin to describe, just know that whatever you are feeling is normal. This is a very safe place to let out your feelings and there is a wonderful group of people here that have been through it and will be here for you.

[Guest moparlicious]

Hello,

I am so so sorry to hear of your beloved wife's death. I too lost my beloved husband 8 months ago to cancer. I know the pain, the heartache and the emptiness. My husband was only 41 years old and we were married for 20 years. You found a very amazing site here. Everyone on here has opened their hearts, arms and their entire being to me and many others. I have found such peace and comfort here and continue to do so. EVERYONE on this site are my new family and I feel so blessed to have you all in my life. I love each and everyone of you on here and I am so blessed to have you all in my life. Again, I am so sorry, yet another person has gone through this. With all my love and concern, Kim

[JoeA]

Thank you all for the replies. I think I've found a good place here. For those to whom it might mean something, I offer you my prayers.

- Joe

[Caroline]

Dear Joe,

I read your post yesterday and re-read it today.

You are very good at putting into words how I feel. Just wanted to let you know I understand. And it helped me to know someone else feels how I feel.

I have found that for the first month, people are willing to listen but now it has been 2 months and no one wants to hear it.

I am so glad I have our little dog, Lacy. She understands and still listens and searches for Ed, my husband. S0, I talk to her and she sits very still and listens.

Thank you for your posting - venting is good.

Caroline

[Lily]

Joe, I know you must be living with so much sorrow now. My husband died

in October of cancer and I still can't accept he's gone from me. And yes,

I think youre right, after so many weeks, you get the definite impression

that people don't want to hear more sadness or grief or mourning talk.

So, I've started to do what Dusky said he did - just have to scratch their

names off the address book. All my emotions now are superficial - I smile

when I think I should because if I don't I feel that I'm creating an

uncomfortableness...So I go for walks with my dog and I cry where no one

can see me and no one has to feel uncomfortable. I wish there were

magic potions or miracles for us because this pain is almost unbearable.

But how can you have lived with someone for many many years and not have

their not being with us now hurt almost beyond enduring. Maybe someday

the memories will bring a smile and lightness to the heart, but I know

right now all those moments we shared make me cry and cry and cry. This

group is really a lifesaver....I sometimes get so down that I can't come

here - it all seems so useless and then I need the kindness, the comfort

so much that I come here I guess to be soothed and it helps. Maybe one

day at a time with people who don't tire of listening to us and sharing

is helping even though we can't feel it yet. Lily

[MaryNu]

Hello, My heart goes out to you. My Spouse & 30 year friend passed 5 weeks

ago.He hung in there till our wedding date as I aasked him to. I have no one at this moment to talk to. It seems to be worse at nite for me can not sleep Doc gave me 14 daysof med for sleep. From the movie finding nemo, I feel like a fish out of water. DO I swim or just lay back and float riding the currents felling numb. I can not figure out how these sites work and that is frustrating because I NEED HELP. May be someone can tell me learn how blog.. I'M 65 and should have it all together. Well I do not. PLUS MY HEALTH HAS GONE TO ILLNESS. Thank you. MaryNu

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Good Morning,

Every morning I sit and read some of the messages posted here, and always hear someone talking and relating to what I'm going through. Tonight I'm having dinner w/a friend. We havent' gotten together since my husband died almost 9 months ago, but we'll dine tonight and she will pretend that she understands and offer suggestions, but then she'll go home to her husband of 40+ years and I'll go home to my kids. Thank God for them. They hate to see me cry, but they don't understand either. I sometimes would just rather indulge in a glass or 2 of wine and go to sleep early than be with people. After 8 months, I have finally decided to join group counseling so I can sit and talk amongst people who are just like me...alone after so many years. My hospice counselor told me that it would be good for me to join a session, so I'm going to try it. Besides this place, I haven't found anyone who can listen and understand what I'm talking about.

I will let you know how it goes...Lin

[kayc]

MaryNu,

No one can have it so all together that they aren't hit hard when their spouse dies, it is about the most devastating blow one can face. You are posting fine, please come back on line any time, you have found a very supportive caring group who have been there and understand.

Lin,

Yes, Finding Neimo would be something we can all relate to. And yes, as much as we need people, it is hard when we feel like we no longer fit in. I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I fit in again. I keep trying, but am not sure who to even try to make friends with.

I think a support group would be of great help, I guess the only reason I haven't is my small town doesn't have any and the nearest city, where I work, well I don't feel I can attend and then go home, it would get me home too late for my early commute. This site has become my group, yet I think it would be helpful to meet people we can put a face to and maybe even a hug.

My thoughts are with you today.

KayC