Happy Mother's Day

[WendyJ]

Hello my friends, I wanted to wish you all a Happy Mother's Day. I am sorry I haven't written in awhile, actually I hadn't realized how long it had been till Fred brought it to my attention and I apologize. I think of you all often and I hope you all know I love you all dearly. I am still having a very rough time without my Steve, still cry daily and wonder when and if I will be able to resume a more normal life without swollen eyes. But since I will never stop missing him, I don't think so. Everytime I look at Steve's pictures I break down, sometimes very hard. Here is my question is it better to just let this happen or should I remove most of the pictures since they seem to make me cry so much? I would love to hear some opinions on this. Thanks Guys !

Love to you all,

Wendy

[teny]

Hellow Wendy.It is nice tobe back again .I have missed you.The pain is here for me also .Im at my sons house recovering from pneumonia.Pictures of Yiany areall around sharing happy days with the family.I try to avoid looking at them cause crying when my grand kids are around will make them feel unconfortable.As you may remember I have no house of my own.At our summer home I have a lot of pictures .It makes me feel sooo sad .I do hope for all friends sufering the same pain that maybe better days are coming.Your friend from far away .TENY

[Dusky]

WendyJ,

Each person I suppose has to make there own decision as to what to do with pictures of their loved one – or for that matter any reminder that surrounds you of your lost love now that he/she is gone. However, you asked for opinions so I will give you mine. Removing the pictures, so that you cannot visually see the image of who he was, will not remove the pain of his absence in your life. Your thoughts will still bring you to one of two places – either memories of great joy or memories of the pain over his nonexistence. Both are normal. I could no more remove Jack’s pictures from my home than pictures of people in my life who continue to live – unless I wanted to forget that person’s existence – and that is not my goal. I still believe that we recover by remembering and recalling – not in “letting go” and “forgetting” our loved one. For me his pictures represent the fact that he lived and that I loved him – which were both wonderful things in my life. They are a reminder that he existed at one time – and I do not ever want to deny his existence and make it “easier” for me by hiding his image. I see his picture every day. Sometimes I cry and other times I smile, and I feel both emotions deeply.

I say let these emotions in – feel them both. I am still of the opinion that we are all on a voyage of a lifetime, not months or a single year. The grief we feel is different because we lost the one we were nesting with and who we enjoyed everyday pieces of life in that same shell. I could no more divorce myself of his pictures than I could tuck away the hands that used to touch him or the eyes that used to see him. He is here and always will be in thoughts and symbols or in pictures and collectibles we shared as a couple. He is such an intricate piece of the tapestry of my life that he simple “will be” whether I tuck away an image of him or not. That’s why this is a lifetime journey. So I chose to leave his picture “front and center” for me to see and others to enjoy as well. He existed - and I want to be reminded and remember that fact.

Therefore, I vote to leave the pictures where you can see them. You will feel the emotions either way – so why not enjoy his image in the life you now experience.

My best to you,

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[KathyG]

Hi Wendy,

John is right on when he says that pictures of our loved ones can bring us both sadness and joy, and hiding the pictures won't takw away our grief.

It's not bad that Steve's pictures make you cry, because tears can help to release some of the pain you feel. That's why a good cry session usually makes people feel better. It hurts to cry, but it hurts in the same way that antiseptic stings when you put it on an open wound, or that a broken bone causes pain when you reset it - we have to go through pain to go forward and heal.

At the same time, old pictures can also make us smile and remind us of happier times. I've also found that looking at old pictures of a loved one from the years before you met them helps you to realize all the things he or she experienced throughout his/her lifetime, and what shaped him or her the person you knew. Pictures also help keep us keep your loved ones image alive; you'll always have them in your heart, but photos are the only way we can see their sweet faces again until the day we're called to join them.

For Bill's memorial service, I created a photo board that shows pictures of him from birth through last year. It shows him as a baby, a little boy playing cowboy, going to his prom, teaching in his classroom, playing with nieces and nephews, having Christmas with other family members, at our wedding, etc. Though Bill and I never met till we were both in our 40s, I love looking at those older photos because even though I didn't know him then, the pictures show me that the beautiful spirit inside him was always there. And it reminds me that his spirit still lives.

I didn't store the photo board away after the funeral. It's mounted on the wall of a room I use as my office, where I can see it every day and remember. Some days, the images bring me tears but on good days, they make me realize how lucky I was to have him and his love.

[kayc]

It is odd that this particular subject should arise right now. I took some of my pictures of George down after John and I married, he said they were everywhere, like a shrine to him, and I suppose it would be hard to follow in his footsteps, everyone who knew us knew we were so close. However, I still have one up in the living room, and one in the family room, and I still have his driver's license in my wallet. As Dusky said, it doesn't seem to matter whether they are on display or not, we still remember them and need to let ourselves feel everything as part of our healing process. Friday night I had a friend over and the subject came up and I brought out my pictures of George and we went through them, enjoying the happy smile he always had whenever he was eating...or looking at me. It seems at first the pictures bring tears, but later on, somewhere down the road, they also bring smiles as you remember the good you shared together. As to what to do about the pictures, I think it really is an individual thing...sometimes we prolong the grief until such a time as we can better handle it, but eventually, we do have to go through it. One thing I have learned in this grief journey is, as painful as it is, there is no circumventing it, it is to be gone through.

[LarrysGirl]

I have Larry's pictures displayed all over the house and his letters and notes are stuck to refrigerator for anyone to read. I personally love to look and remember the times we had together. I love to read what he wrote to me and I can see his face when I close my eyes. Yes, sometimes I cry but mostly I just want people to remember him. He was here, and I don't want him to be forgotten. Thats just for me, others do what you need to do to manage the grief. This wasn't an option for me. Deborah

[dpodesta]

I vote for keeping the pictures, as putting them away is almost running away from the pain. If you run away from the pain it will only prolong your grief as the pain will be waiting around the corner for the next thing that will remind you of Steve. Keep the pictures, keep feeling your feelings and it will get better, just take your time.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Hi Wendy,

Just personally, I have all our picture (us together and Jack separately) along with the rest of the family pictures throughout the house. I spent a lot of time crying, etc., but it really does diminish. I couldn't bring myself to put the pictures away and I look at them with a lot of love and not crying any more....just that comfortable feeling of love. I just love his smiling face. Just feel your way in your own time. I am here to tell you it will be 3 years the end of July and I really feel I've progressed a lot. I still feel the loneliness and life certainly has changed tremendously, but it really does get better. Hang in there, my friend, you'll always be fine. Good to hear from you.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Thank you everyone who responded, I also realized I could not have taken his pictures down if I tried. Like you Kathy I also have a picture board and two of the pictures I put up on the top shelf above the computer. They are very large and I swear when I look at them it is like he is looking back and I cry my heart out. This pain just seems to be wearing me down, just in this past year I feel like I have aged many years. I am tired, I am sad, I am lonely without him. Life is so unfair.

Love,

Wendy

[karenb]

Wendy, we love you and wish you'll feel better soon. Just take care.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Thank you Karen I love you and everyone else too, you are my dear dear friends whom I can always count on. Thank You so much for all your caring.

Love,

Wendy

[LarrysGirl]

Hi Wendy, I know you are hurting and sad. I also feel that I have aged alot these last two years. Its like I'm stuck in quick sand. I have good intentions when my day starts and then slowly the energy fades away and I get enveloped in a fog and drag thru another day. I don't think people realize the physical effect that grief has on our bodies. Thats why we have to try to take better care of ourselves, a lesson I still need to learn. Deborah

[WendyJ]

Thanks Deb, I am so glad I am not the only one who has good intentions and plans my days to be so productive and then I accomplish nothing ! You are so right it is like the energy just fades away !

Love,

Wendy

[Lily]

Hi Wendy, I have pictures of Rich everywhere - and sometimes I can't bear

to look at them because he's so real in them and I feel as though he's

going to be coming through that door so I just cry and cry - but sometimes

I get strength...when I feel so let down by others, I remember how he

would always be there for me and I can almost feel his arm around me

now and hear what he would be saying to me - and I feel him still...but the sadness and the lonliness are always with me...I don't know, Wendy, is this

the price we pay for that rare love and all that it brings with it? I could

never imagine life without Rich and here I am...and it's not good. Lily

[kayc]

Lily,

Yes, I guess it is the "price we pay" for that rare and special love that few are blessed enough to have in this life. Yet for all the pain, I am so glad I had it. I will never have that kind of love again and I know it, it was too rare, too special, too great to ever have again. A part of me has accepted this hollow existence. I try to be grateful and appreciative of anything good in this life, but no, it will never be the same again. Last night I was talking with my girlfriend about George, she is one person I can talk to, she was impressed with our love, so much so she told me she used to just enjoy watching us together...I have had many people tell me that. I told her that regardless of what happens in my life, I will at least know I was loved...that love comforts and strengthens me inside, I reach inside of my heart whenever I need to feel his love...if I'm having a bad day, if I need someone to talk over my day with and no one is there, if I'm lonely, if I am scared and don't know what to do, and I draw strength from George's love. That is why, to me, the third year is easier than the first two, because I have finally learned to do that, I have finally been able to draw from him in a positive way even though he's dead and I can't physically touch him or look into his eyes or feel him hold me physically. He is still here, I know it. Whatever mistakes I've made, I know he doesn't condemn me for, for that was never our way, we always understood each other, always had faith in each other, and that is still there. This is the hope that I bring to you, that one day you will reach the point where you too can do that.

There was a package held at the post office and I finally got it, it was from George's daughter...she'd sent me a Mother's Day card and pictures of the kids, and she wrote such sweet words on it, it just made my day. What a special man George was...and even his kids are special.