Why Does Family Let You Down?

[KathyG]

This last week, I've been disappointed and depressed, but also cheered, by friends' and family members' responses to two significant milestones - the six-month anniversary of my husband's death (May 21st) and the first observance of his birthday (May 27th) without him.

I went from Phoenix back to my hometown, Pittsburgh, to visit my sister and attend a 60th wedding anniversary party for my uncle and aunt. It was hard for me to go; I couldn't help feeling some resentment that they've had 60 years together while Bill and I were given only 11 years to share our lives. But I went because I was genuinely happy for them, I love them dearly and my aunt has always been a second mother to me. I handled my self OK, didn't cry and even managed to get up and dance a little.

Except for my sister, I hadn't seen any of the relatives who came to the party for at least three years or more. They hadn't attended Bill's memorial service because Arizona and Pennsylvania are so distant from each other. So I was expecting them to at least offer their sympathies when we met again after so long. But only my aunt was willing to talk about Bill. No one else noted the six-month milestone or said, "I'm sorry," or "This must be a rough time for you." Everyone else who had known Bill acted like he never existed, and when I mentioned his name they couldn't wait to change the subject. I was hurt and disappointed; I expected so much more from my family - though maybe that was naive of me.

I wasn't very strong on Memorial Day when my sister and I took flowers to my parents' gravesite. It was the first time since my mother died in 2005 that I had visited the site, so even though I knew her name was inscribed on that bronze plaque, I wasn't prepared for the effect it had. I sobbbed for hours, as much as (or more) for Bill as for the losses of my mother and dad. But I was proud that I met the challenge of Bill's birthday without a meltdown. The 27th was the date when I flew home, and that helped.

Shortly after I arrived back home, my niece and a good friend of mine both called to welcome me back and ask how my trip went and how well I was holding up. It made me feel so good to know that someone else cared.

Why do so many of the people whom you'd expect to be the most sympathetic, often provide the least amount of support?

[Elizabeth A.]

Oh Kathy Honey, it doesn't seem to matter how many time we hear it, it's hard to understand. I'm certain most of your family didn't know what to say. My mom uses distraction to deal with some-things, and will completely change the subject if she thinks I'm having a hard time. It leaves you feeling open and hurt, expecially when you wanted to be open and talk about it at least a little.

It's hard for them, because like you said, some of them you hadn't seen in three years. It's hard to find common ground with a person, let alone to talk about grief. I hate it when other people pull out the kid gloves, as though you're fine china and will crack if anything is said.

I'm sorry you didn't get the comfort you needed from your family. Maybe that's why this site is here on the web, so that we can help each other, inspite of what happens, or doesn't happen in the world around us.

[kayc]

Kathy,

You met a really huge challenge when you went on that trip and you should be proud of yourself for that.

So many people who have not been through it, just haven't a clue what to say or how to handle it. I find that we are fortunate if we find even a couple of people that we can talk to freely about our loved one.

Consider yourself hugged by those who are here, we are here exactly for this reason, to be here for each other!

Love,

KayC

[karenb]

Good for you, Kathy, for going and facing things like you did. It's so true that it takes having gone through losing your spouse to really understand. People just don't know how to talk to us or what to say with few exceptions. Little by little I started talking about Jack and the things he did and we did and, for the most part, they would be just quiet or nod. They just don't know what to do. Just be grateful for those that do know.

Your friend, Karen

[STARKISS]

Hi Kathy G,

I think it was so brave of you to take that trip good for you... I too have had bad things happen when it comes to family.... I think that family would understand more but it turns out that I family was the least supportive... Atleast with my immediate family that is.. My dad's family like uncles and aunts were very supportive of what was happening with me... I just think family tries to cope the best they can and sometimes they drift apart sadly... Hope this helps Shelley

[SusanK]

Kathy, I am so sorry that friends and family did not offer support on the trip to the family gathering. I often encounter people who act a if my husband never lived. I will never understand that. Don't want to.

I know four people I can speak reflectively about my husband.. I have a special place in my heart for them.

It's Ok to move beyond the people who behave this way. My address book is being rewritten in the months since my husband's death. So many disppointments from people I expected to act differently. And refreshingly some stepped up who I did not expect.

Hoping you find some peace.

s.

[JoeA]

Kathy –

It’s so disappointing, isn’t it? We are struggling to understand who we are, trying to find a life again. In my experience so far, most of my former relationships have broken. That includes old friends and family. Just two months after the death of my wife, most of these people cannot tolerate my grief. Some of these people, I thought, loved my wife too. Yet they seem to want her buried and gone from their lives. Fortunately, there are also others who still love her, still want to remember her, understand that I am grieving and listen and support me. The thing is, I could not have predicted where that support would come from. Sometimes it comes from unexpected sources. I think that’s the beginning of putting together a new life. Finding the relationships that have survived this tragedy, and staying with them. The others may come along later or not, but right now we can’t spend too much of our short supply of energy on them.

- Joe

[leeann]

Kathy

I'm so sorry you didn't get much support from your family members. Unfortunately that doesn't surprise me. Most folks, as others have said, avoid the subject of death & grief. And I sometimes find that my family, with only a few exceptions, does the same. What exists in the general population also exists in our families. Most people.. avoid these subjects. My family is no different. Yet like Joe said, I too have found support in unexpected places. And I no longer harbor expectations that my family or most people will understand what I am feeling. And like Joe said again.. I don't spend much time or energy worrying about who doesn't understand and why they don't. I just seek what is supportive at the moment.

I don't have room in my heart or life right now for resentment. I'm drained enough.. just grieving. So I seek what works for me and I don't worry about what doesn't.

I'm glad you have a few people though that you can count on and awfully glad also that this board exists for you and all of us.

leeann

[kayc]

Joe and Leann are right...it is funny but you can't predict who would be supportive and who wouldn't, it is kind of surprising. But I guess the important thing is to incorporate the supportive ones into your life and letting the others go by the way at least until such time that it works for you again...if ever. I haven't let go of family members but I did realize that some family members are better at dealing with grief than others, people's coping skills and empathy seems to vary a lot.

[DesertBob]

Why do so many of the people whom you'd expect to be the most sympathetic, often provide the least amount of support?

Personally I think it's a combination of two things.

1. They are just people, like all other people. The fact that they are special to you doesn't change the fact that they are, on average, no better or worse than anyone else at whatever -- empathy, caring, thoughtfulness, etc.

2. At the same time, they are your family and so you naturally tend to expect more of them. And because they are YOUR family you also tend to have more ego invested in their behavior because you feel (rightly or not) that it reflects on you.

This is often why they appear to provide the least amount of support -- we have them on a pedestal and we are counting on them more, so the fact they do about what everyone else does makes it seem like they are doing less.

--Bob

[Lin_in_Cave Creek]

Dear Kathy,

Your experience reminds me of how I felt when I went back to NY this past Christmas to be with friends and family so that my sons and I would not be alone in AZ to deal with our first Christmas without Gene...how totally disappointing. Many of them had not seen us for quite some time and certainly not since Gene's deaath in Aug. 07. I was so hurt by those I looked forward to seeing but didn't make the time to see us. And just like you, those that I did see, kind of half-heartedly asked how we were holding up, and hardly listened as I answered their question.

I have found that there are so few people that truly understand what we are feeling, and that's ok because we are survivors who will make it in life as a result of our experiences which have made us more caring and understanding people. Unfortunately for them, their turn will come (though we don't wish this pain on anyone) and it will be then that they will look for us to help them through their pain...and we will! I believe they are not intentionally trying to hurt us or ignore us, but rather just don't know how to deal with our pain, so they choose to ignore it. It doesn't make them a bad person, just a oonfused one.

I've been told that our life as we once knew it no longer exists and that this is the "new normal." I, too, just rewrote my telephone book and eliminated many people that I haven't seen or heard from since Gene's passing.

I found this website to be the best thing that has happened to me. It has helped me move forward while dealing with the loss of my husband. I recently had dinner with a friend (now 60) who lost her husband when she was 35 with 4 very young children, and she said, "the longer you allow yourself to dwell on the pain that others have inflicted on you, the less time you will have to grieve for your loss, and the longer it will take you to heal." This made sense to me because we all know that the more you allow yourself to grieve, the better you heal, and the sooner you can resume a "normal" life.

Lin

[KathyG]

Hey, everyone,

Thank you all for your insights and words of comfort. I know now that the lack of family support I experienced isn't unique, and that helps me understand my relatives' behavior better. But I'm not angry with them and I don't think they're bad people who intentionally wanted to hurt me.

I'm just disappointed and sad because I thought that if anyone could look past their discomfort with the subject of death and support a bereaved me, it would be my family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, but my relatives have always been particularly close-knit. They rallied around me when my first (unhappy) marriage fell apart. That's why their response to the loss of my second husband seems so jarring. Bill was wonderful to me and good to everyone in the family - dying was the only hurtful thing he ever did, and he didn't choose to leave us.

But you know, family members aren't the only people who try to avoid dealing with death. For 10 years, I've known someone I considered a good friend; seven years ago, her husband was killed in an accident. When Bill died, I looked to her for advice and help in coping, but she hasn't been there for me. I concluded that maybe she's just a fair weather friend (they do exist), or maybe she's afraid that helping me might cause her to re-experience her own pain.

Vindictiveness is not my style. But my feelings toward those who let me down have definitely cooled. I probably won't cut any of them out of my life, but the best thing for me now is to spend the most time with the people who express sympathy and support - like all of you have.

[kayc]

There have been some very good and helpful things said here. However, my friend's husband passed away Sat. a.m. and I spent the day with my friend, and I got home to a message on the ans. machine demanding I call my mom (I'd already listened to her three times that day). It was late so I called her back this morning. She was aware of the loss, and yet she went on and on about all her old stuff, confused, paranoid, rambling in her usual fashion. I reminded her of the loss since she didn't seem to get it and her answer was, "SHE JUST NEEDS TO TRUST GOD!!!" I'm sorry something about that doesn't set right with me. I told my "family member" (mom) that my best friend's husband just died and she is left with no income, no money, no medical insurance, no life ins. policy, and my mom doesn't miss a beat and goes on and on about her own trivial negative stuff that she'd already hashed over more times than I can count. To this I say, phooey! Family, friends, whatever they are, they should show some empathy for others and not be so self-absorbed in the face of another one's loss. They are deficient as humans if you ask me, if they cannot see that another person's world was just turned upsidedown. In my mom's case, I know she's nuts, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Some families come through, some do not. Some friends come through, some do not. Some of them we don't know how they'll be until we're there. We get some unpleasant surprises, and we get some favorable surprises.

[WendyJ]

Kay I am so sorry for this loss and I know words can not make things better right now. You have every right to be upset with your Mom but your family here loves you and we are here for you whenever you need us, as you are always here for all of us ! Please get some rest and keep in touch.

Love You,

Wendy

[kayc]

Wendy,

Thanks, You guys are the best.

Love,

KayC