Update On Sis In Law

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi all,

As you all know my beloved Dan died 9 months ago of cancer and the pain is so raw and I feel like so sad and miserable, the pain is awful!!! My amazing sis in law has lymphoma is is on her second week in the hospital, I know you all have been praying and I appreciate that, please continue.Found out yesterday her kidneys are failing and she got a port in for dialysis to begin today. Her legs are very swollen and she is so out of it. I am going to visit her today, her husband said she wants all her immediate family to visit.She has had not stop visitors and is just very wore out!!! We really need a miracle and I am scared she is going to die.I do not understand any of this, for her brother has only been gone 9 months and now this horrible disease may claim another life!!!! The irony of this,she is a nurse and guess where??? Hospice!!! I cannot disclose the organization or even the city where but she has given so much to others and now she has to suffer like this!! Life is unfair and makes no sense. I am so glad you all are here for me and all our family members, for I cannot comprehend the pain my in laws must feel. Their only son died at the age of 41 and now their older daughter is in a fight for her life.So sad and unbelievable. This is so sad and depressing for me, I just wish I could crawl up in a ball and die. Kim

[DesertBob]

Life is unfair and makes no sense.

Kim, I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

One of my wife's doctors made a comment once that has stuck with me ever since:

"Most suffering in life comes from trying to make life into something it isn't".

The really strange paradox is that I've found that if I let go of my insistence that life be fair and/or make sense (for a variety of reasons it can never be either fair or entirely comprehensible) then I make a space for it to be as it is instead of as I want it to be. And the bizarre thing is, it then starts to be MUCH less painful.

M. Scott Peck, one of my favorite authors, put it this way in The Road Less Traveled -- and the italicized part of this quote was highlighted by my wife when she read it many years ago. It was her secret for living.

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult -- once we truly understand and accept it -- then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

This quote used to annoy and even tick me off. I used to think my wife simplistic, Pollyanna-ish in this regard. I felt she was capitulating to something that should be fought tooth and nail. I felt I had too much self-respect to accept the injustices of life. Well in a way, I was right, although it was more ego than self-respect.

But eventually, with my spirit broken, I yielded to it, and it really is true -- once you accept life on its own terms, and quit fighting it, it quits fighting you, and is no longer difficult. It really does work. If you can't accept this now, that's okay. Let it be a seed that gradually grows within you until you are able to accept it.

That said, I wish I could offer you something more satisfying than that for the situation you are now walking through. You're in my thoughts and prayers today.

Best to you,

--Bob

[MartyT]

Kim, dear ~ Bob has given you one of my own favorite quotations from one of my own very favorite authors. I, too, am so very sorry to know what you and your family are going through, and my heart aches for all of you.

You might consider including your sister-in-law in an online prayer circle, such as the one sponsored by Self-Healing Expressions, at Prayer Wall for Those in Need

Please know that we all are holding you in gentle thought and prayer.

[JoeA]

Bob and Marty -

I'm trying to understand but failing. If we accept that life is difficult it is no longer difficult? Does that mean that the loneliness, sorrow, emptiness, the tears, will end? Or does it mean that the pain of our loss continues but is no longer difficult? Is this something like the concept of "mindfullness"? That's another concept I'm struggling with. I wish I could make these concepts work, I really do. I'd love to move beyond this pain and resume something like a life.

- Joe

[DesertBob]

I'm trying to understand but failing. If we accept that life is difficult it is no longer difficult? Does that mean that the loneliness, sorrow, emptiness, the tears, will end? Or does it mean that the pain of our loss continues but is no longer difficult? Is this something like the concept of "mindfullness"?

It's related to mindfulness, which is related to living in the present.

Everyone's different but for what it's worth a book that helped me get a better and more practical grip on these concepts is Ekhart Tolle's A New Earth.

To more directly answer your question about what happens to the pain, I would not say that it goes away so much as it is transcended. Some would say transmuted or transformed. Our job is to facilitate the transmutation of pain into various forms of personal growth, increased awareness, love, empathy, etc.

Buddhists would say that we have become attached to outcomes -- we have preconceived ideas about how our lives are supposed to play out, and this produces suffering. When we cling to these attachments we experience suffering. I used to mistake letting go of attachments to outcome with indifference -- it is not the same thing as not caring. It is just complete non-resistance to What Is. This doesn't prevent you from having preferences and taking action to the extent possible to effect desired change, but it does not waste energy and life force on resisting / rejecting reality. It's a fine line.

The Christian equivalent is "let go and let God". The concept runs through most religious traditions in some form or other. The contribution of mindfulness, meditation techniques, etc., is to stop what Mark Twain referred to as "the constant gale of thoughts blowing through your skull", which is what prevents you from letting go.

When you lose your spouse, you may be obsessed with certain thoughts such as, "My life is ruined" or "I'll never know love again" or "God must be punishing me" or "I failed my spouse" or -- well, you name it. There are a thousand of them, especially in the wee hours. The thoughts are just thoughts, they are not YOU. Mindfulness is cultivating the ability to calmly observe such thoughts AS thoughts -- nothing more and nothing less, without judging them to be "good" or "bad". When you do this the thoughts lose their power over you, sometimes very dramatically. Meditation as I understand it takes mindfulness a step further and practices having NO thoughts at all on a regular basis. All of these practices are calming and centering and "make room" so to speak for new things to take root in your heart and mind. They are just additional ways to become "unstuck" as well as more conscious / aware. Many of us are prisoners of their own thoughts and spend so much time fighting or avoiding our thoughts, regretting the past, dreading the future. The objective is to be free of all that.

When we have a personal tragedy, it tends to overwhelm our coping mechanisms. Some of those mechanisms are not the most effective and may not survive the experience of loss of this magnitude. In this sense, despair is your friend because it leads you to better ways of relating to reality and it will pry away from you some of your cherished illusions that weren't, as it turns out, serving you all that well anyway.

My life would have been unthinkable to me 30 years ago. My worst nightmare, in fact. I have been forced to accept things I would never willingly have accepted -- and Linda's death is only the most recent of them. I have been mightily disillusioned. Although this is true, it's equally true that right now, at this moment, I am experiencing considerable peace and contentment, and feel hopeful about the future.

Which leads me to a final thought ... paradox is a huge part of life. Don't fight paradoxes. Learn to embrace and enjoy them. It's much more fun that way.

--Bob

[MartyT]

Hi Joe,

To me, Scott Peck’s statement is all about expectations. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we Americans often have the naive expectation that life should be easy or comfortable or wonderful, bad things won’t happen to good people, and happiness is just around the corner. My own life experiences have taught me just the opposite: life can be quite difficult and unfair, and many times, no matter how “good” I’ve been, or how hard I’ve tried, or how much I may deserve it to be otherwise, things don’t always turn out the way I expect or want them to be, and life for me continues to be, in a word, difficult. (See, for example, the Introduction on my Web site’s Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page).

I think Scott Peck is telling us that when we accept the reality that life is difficult, we can stop fighting it, and we're no longer focused on the unfairness of it all. We can choose instead to make the most of the life we do have, and do what we can to prepare for and meet its challenges along the way.

In her book Tough Transitions, Elizabeth Harper Neeld explains it this way:

One of the creative and victorious outcomes researchers tell us we can expect when we have navigated our way through a tough transition is increased wisdom. One piece of that new wisdom has to be a recognition that we will never be finished with tough transitions. Yes, we will work our way through this particular difficult time and that particular change. But we’ll never get to a place in life where there are no more transitions. We aren’t going to a place in life where there are no more transitions. We aren’t going to get so good at the skill of navigating through hard places that the changes don’t show up for us as a challenge. Even though I’ve studied, thought, and written about tough transitions for almost twenty years, I still have to be reminded from time to time by people who love me that I will get through a particular difficult transition. My husband will sometimes jokingly say to me, “You need to sit down and read your own books.” There’s no life insurance policy one can take out and certainly no author one can catch on to that will bring freedom from the hard work of dealing with transitions. What can we come to understand through our gained wisdom? That there is a process that can conclude with victorious outcomes and a sense of Renewing. That I can make the decisions and the choices that allow us to navigate as smoothly or as roughly through a hard time as is possible at that moment. That a transition is about so much more than what appears. Yes, circumstances and situations around me change, and that launches me into the necessity to navigate myself through a difficult time. But something much more profound is taking place. I am being changed myself. And those changes in me stand to make me more capable, compassionate, and increased in my capacity to put life’s ups and downs in perspective. When I begin another tough transition, I have all these learnings and all these valuable experiences at my disposal.

[source: Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, © 2005 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, ISBN # 044669455X, pp. 272-273]

[kayc]

Kim,

I am so sorry, it does seem very unfair that some families are hit so hard while others are left seemingly unscathed. My own little sister is going through so much right now, and I am too, with some things I can't even talk about.

I read Bob's post and I just feel a little confused, almost like it's over my head or beyond what I can reach right now. Maybe I'm just too tired right now but I can't embrace anything at the moment, I just want some rest. Right now I've been sick for three weeks, my marriage is not anywhere close to what I'd thought it'd be, our financial picture is shaky at best, my best friend's husband just died and he was my friend too, my little sister is suffering in her marriage and with a suicidal son and a daughter who is very ill. My mother is nuts and driving the rest of us there. With all of this I wonder, where is the respite and why does so much come upon us at once? I don't for the life of me think that someone is punishing me or that it's Karma, I think things just happen...sometimes they're about bad choices we've made, but often they are just random. I think God is there to help us through the rough places if we let Him, but I don't think God equates to church or even religion...I know Him as a being that is interactive, others may see it differently. I haven't read the Road Less Traveled, but it sounds like a good book...if I had any energy to read or the ability to focus. Right now life just seems like a struggle and I feel like I'm somewhere between swimming and drowning and it's such a heavy effort just to keep my head above the water. My body feels weighted and tired. If this is how any of you feel right now, know you are not alone. I need sleep but it seems to elude me. To let go of expectation sounds easier said than done. It reminds me of a book I read so long ago by Jean-Paul deCaussade "Abandonment to Divine Providence". At the time, I got it, but that seems a million years ago. I wish I could have that sweet surrender. So how does one go about letting go of expectation? Is it wrong then to have any expectation? If you go into a marriage is it wrong to expect to see each other a certain amount of time? Is it wrong to expect to receive a paycheck when one works? Are there limits on this? It is a little confusing to me.

[DesertBob]

To let go of expectation sounds easier said than done. It reminds me of a book I read so long ago by Jean-Paul deCaussade "Abandonment to Divine Providence". At the time, I got it, but that seems a million years ago. I wish I could have that sweet surrender. So how does one go about letting go of expectation? Is it wrong then to have any expectation? If you go into a marriage is it wrong to expect to see each other a certain amount of time? Is it wrong to expect to receive a paycheck when one works? Are there limits on this? It is a little confusing to me.

Kay,

It is somewhat counter-intuitive. There is nothing wrong with having a rational expectation about something, or with working towards goals. The problem is counting on it to go as expected. Even that is not "bad" (to judge something good or bad is just another way of being attached to a particular outcome)

Counting on something to go a certain way, pinning your hopes on it and making your inner peace and attitude dependent on that outcome prevents you from adjusting to reality when it departs from what you expect. My mantra is, "It is what it is". I don't have to like it or approve of it, but I have to accept it. What kinds of things to people say when things to to heck?

"This can't be happening" -- but, it is.

"I don't deserve this" -- but "deserve" has nothing to do with it.

"I don't need this" -- but you have it nevertheless.

The more time we spend in denial of what is, the longer it takes to transcend it (or on good days, to escape or fix it).

I try to instead ask the question, "Okay, now what?".

This works well for me in accepting the obscenity that was Linda's suffering and death, and the comparatively small challenges that have come up since. I admit that I have not tested it in the kind of furnace you are going through. I admit, in fact, that I am cheating some, as I am deliberately structuring my life, at least for now, to be as drama-free, simple, risk-hedged and bite-sized as possible. If nothing else, I need a LONG vacation.

As was the case when you read deCaussade, it's easier to be "Zen" when I'm not in agony. When one has one's stability, one's health, one's wits, reasonable financial prospects, and is getting one's basic needs met (or at least not being disappointed or abused) it's a whole different ball game. I won't disrespect what you're going through by claiming otherwise.

But I certainly know what it is to be where you are and I do believe that if I had been more aware of these insights, things would have gone better for me and for Linda. It wouldn't have made it all disappear but we would have borne it better, at the least.

Maybe the best way for you to apply it without getting bogged down in details is, let things be as they are, do your best to get quiet within yourself, listen to your heart, and you may find that creative solutions occur to you that otherwise would not. Life does not like to be fought. I don't know why, but that is the way it seems to be in practice.

(((virtual hug)))

--Bob

[kayc]

Bob,

Thanks so much for your more detailed reply. I have been working really hard on trying to develop within myself what I can rather than focusing on what I cannot change (in others or in some situations). It helps to a degree. I know I need to get better at it, which seems to intimate practice and development. What you say I know to be true. It is about acceptance, which is reflected in so many things, spirituality, the Serenity Prayer, etc. What you are speaking of can be applied not only in grief situations, in chronic illness, but in loss of job, an unhappy marriage, children going their own way, or life just handing you whatever it may in general. I'll have to see if I can get a hold of this book and read it for myself.

I know this weekend was not a time for me to have any kind of a perspective, I was wore out, beat down, sick, dealing with my friend's death, allergies going beserk, my husband didn't come home or call (I've spent 3 nights with him out of the last month) and I learned my daughter had a car accident. I am dealing with a difficult financial situation and my mom is giving us grief. My sister is going through so much with her family. It just feels like everything is spinning out of control...ha! Control, what is that? I feel like it's been so long since I've known. The best we can do under these circumstances is seem to float...to deal with things the best we can as they come, to try to take care of ourselves, try to eat right, exercise, sleep, and de-stress in any way we can. Yesterday when I was feeling everything come down on me, I decided to take a walk with the dogs again. There is a mountain of information on line about dealing with depression, which can be applied to any of life's traumas, and I've found a lot of help there...they say 65% of sufferers can be helped with a mere 10 minute walk per day. Spending time in nature, with pets, doing something enjoyable, like a hobby, getting out and spending time with others, doing what you can to get control in your life, making positive decisions and right choices, eating healthy, taking vitamins, and even connecting with your higher power. They also say to avoid alcohol, which is a depressant, and if you do partake, to never have more than 20 units per week (which is a lot, it would be the equivalent to 21 12 oz. glasses of beer or wine). The whole thing is, we do our best, but there are things that assail us over which we have no control and we have to accept those things and take them in stride. Part of our right choices is knowing when to make a change (maybe look for a new job, call it quits in some area, maybe make a move) and when to hang in there. Sometimes you have hope that there may be a positive outcome somewhere down the road, but sometimes...not.

I'm glad this book has helped you...you may not have had it when your wife was ill, but it is never too late to learn and incorporate what we've learned into our lives...that is one of the really wonderful things about living, as we go on, we learn and grow and never remain stagnant.

Edited June 2, 2008 by kayc

[Guest moparlicious]

Thank you all who responded. My sis in law had a stroke, it was a mild one but her mouth is numb and keeps biting her lip. The nurses are beginning to ignore her and she asked for water and never received, good thing family was there to intervene. They are lucky I was not there, for I have dealt with this crap before with my husband and I will not tolerate it for one minute. Can't get up again till Thurs. , but I am raising some major Heck when I get there. I work at a elementary school and a class of third graders(the bible study class) has been praying for my sister in law and they all made her cards. Children are such fine examples are pure genuine love,compassion and understanding. God bless them. We all will continue to pray and rejoice in the blessings which we receive on a daily basis. Thank God for one more day. How I wish that for Dan so many times. Love, Kim

[Guest moparlicious]

Hey all,

Keep up the good work and continue to pray!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After 2 pints of blood, she got up with all her gadgets and started cleaning her room at the hospital. We had to practically hog tie her back to the bed, LOL. One milestone to conquer

this battle will continue!!!!! I love you all and thank you so much. There are simply no words,you all leave me speechless. Love, Kim

PS. -My beloved grandmother died this morning in the comfort of Hospice in Maryland.She is with my beloved Dan and I miss her greatly,but I know my Dan was waiting with open arms for her and I have 2 angels watching out for me and Dan and I's children. I kinda lost it this am but I am hanging in there the best I can. Love, LOve, LOve, KIm

[kayc]

Kim,

I'm glad to hear the update on your sister-in-law, that is great news!

I am sorry to hear about your grandmother...it is so hard to be without the ones we love, but you're right, at least she has people waiting there for her so she won't be alone and one day we'll all get to join together again.

[WendyJ]

Kim I am so sorry for all that you are going thru, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you !

Love,

Wendy

[Guest moparlicious]

Thank you all for your kindness, I am feeling really down today.We have organized a big group, in which we all do four hour shifts or longer at the hospital. This helps my brother in law to be able to continue to work and go home and sleep in his bed at night, for we have sitters and we have stay overs. Man wish I had this, I so often needed a break, but then I'm sure the guilt would have made me feel terrible and I am glad I go to spend so much time with him, I cannot ever get that back. Thursday is my sitting day, the family was not going to give me a day, they thought it would be too hard on me. This is her 3 week in the hospital.Now they can't get her fever and blood pressure under control. I just can't understand the suffering!!!!!! Love, Kim

[mfarah]

Kim,

Your sister in law sounds like a strong person and she has been taking every fight with no problem you just have to remember take care of yourself as your family struggles through this difficult time. If you feel it will be to much to handle to sit with her in the hospital don’t force yourself your sister in law will completely understand go when you feel your ready. I will keep you and your family in prayers. Please continue to keep us updated.

Love,

Marlene

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi everybody,

I have good news to report. It was my turn to go sit with my sis in law at the hospital. I stayed from 9 am - 5:45 pm. She is off the oxygen, dialysis, and catheter. She is losing her hair very badly and is very,very weak and tired. She looks alot better since last week. I got the opportunity to spend some quality one on one time with her, rub her legs(she has so much pain) brush her hair(what she has left) and do many other things with her. Most importantly I told her how much I love her and how happy I was to be in the family. I told her I just wanted to tell her these things because life is too short and I do not want to have any regrets,in case something were to happen to her. She has been in the hospital for a month now, and it all is mostly because of the chemo. She has to make the choice if she wants to continue with the chemo or not. If not she could die,but either way she said she could die. At this point she says she can't take any more chemo and doesn't want it.Please all continue to pray, and I appreciate you all very much.It was really hard to be at the hospital, my beloved husband was there so much and all the memories were painful. I have been without my Dan for 9 months and my heart is breaking more and more for him every day, I miss him so bad, every inch of my body hurts.I just don't know why it doesn't get any easier and I feel like I am dying inside without him. I am hurting so much today. Love, Kim

[kayc]

Kim,

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad, it is hard enough losing one person, but then to turn around and face losing another is doubly hard...you not only have to deal with losing the other person, but it brings up memories of having lost the first one, at least that's the way it was for me losing my friend, Jim.

You are doing everything you can to be supportive for your sister in law and that is wonderful...you are letting her make her decisions and being supportive whatever they might be, what more can you do? You are there for her, you are loving and caring for her, what more can you do?

This is what life is all about...it is loving and supporting those we love, it is being there for them through all of life...and death. I just thank God for my belief that death is not "the end" but rather a transformation and I choose to believe we will see our loved ones again. If I am wrong, no one tell me!

We love you and think you're pretty special...

KayC

[MartyT]

Dearest Kim and Kay, you are two of the most beautiful flowers in our garden ~ how blessed we are to have you as members of our GH family. I know you did not choose to be role models for the rest of us, but that is the role you are playing nonetheless. How blessed your friends are that you are so willing to give them the precious gift of your presence, in spite of the painful reminders of your own losses that you must endure. We are humbled and honored to know you, and I hope you both know how very much you are loved.

[fred]

Hi friends, especially Kim and Kay, Marty is so right about you two. Hang in there, you are both amazing. And Kay, if you are wrong about the end, at least we have the confidence in knowing that no one can say so.

Kim, if your experience is similar to mine (17 months now), you are in one of the worst patches. With everything else you have going on, you are doing very well. Be patient, believe it or not, it will get easier as you get stronger. It is a long road and I can not see the end yet, but you are due for a little break at the top of this rise. Hugs to all

[Guest moparlicious]

Thank you so much to all for helping me out and your beautiful comments. KayC and Marty you bring me to tears with your wonderful responses. I am truly touched and amazed by all of you. I love you guys, Kim

[Guest moparlicious]

Hi friends,

She is home now in the comfort of her own home, continuing with the plan of the team.Family and friends sit with her and help her out. We are all working on meals for the family, want her to be as comfortable as possible and some rest for her husband as well, he has been non stop with her and working.Keep up the great work, with all your prayers. You all make me so honored to be on this site, I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Your caring, support and love helps me continue on in life. Never thought I'd make it this far without Dan. Sunday is my birthday and I am really anxious about being without Dan, first one. Have chest pains and feel sick.But, I know I have my family right here and many of you who have been here for me day in and day out.All this love makes me beam with pride!!!! Love you guys, Kim

[kayc]

Kim,

Chest pains? Please see the doctor! It could just be anxiety or reflux, but don't take it for granted, you never know...grieving is a shock to our system, we need to watch ourselves and take extra care of ourselves! And Happy (almost) Birthday! Do you have plans to be with someone on your birthday? My first birthday after George died I cried myself to sleep, no one said happy birthday to me or did anything, and he always made such a big deal of it that his presence was sorely missed. I'll be thinking of you...

KayC

[Guest moparlicious]

KayC,

Thank you. I have anxiety and stress. Relaxing and trying to read a book and do homework,I have been warned if I do not get some rest and stop stressing it could be fatal. Thank you for the birthday wishes, last year Dan was in intensive care,he just had brain surgery, he made sure all the nurses sang to me and he even managed to get me cake, thats the amazing man he was. I miss him so much and wish he was here. My first birthday without him, tears flowing already, I just want to have one day I don't feel sad.Love you, Kim

[MartyT]

Kim, please promise us that your birthday gift to yourself is that you will take good care of you. We are worried about you

[LarrysGirl]

Kim, Birthday Wishes to you! I don't think we all have any idea how much stress the loss of our loved one has on our bodies. The physical toll is subtle at first but over time its not good. I've still not done a very good job at taking care of myself and I can tell you first hand, its not helped anything by doing that. I have chronic anxiety and it wears me out. Please, as Marty said, do it for you, REST, thats the best present you can give yourself now. I know you miss Dan, remember he is with you and will always be. Deborah