I Just Have To Ask....

[Maylissa]

I'm in absolute shock and sick at heart about this, and need to know if ANYONE else has ever had this happen to them. I haven't even been able to write about it until now, it's been so awful to try and get a grip on.

I'd gone home for a visit, and went to the care home to see my (dying, with severe dementia) father. I was planning on seeing if there even was a chance at any "closure" possible between him and I before he died......and got told (and very coldly) by someone at reception that he'd passed on "some time ago"!!!! They had to do some scrambling to even find his name in their files, it had been so long ago! Turned out it had been 9 MONTHS ago! And although I'd spoken to staff there (social worker, his RN, nurses, his doctor, the Unit Coordinator) as soon as he'd been placed (this place was even MY recommendation!) and several times in the first year, verified that my contact info. was on their list, AND received assurances from them that I'd be called if ANYTHING major changed with him, due to the family problems that were present that I'd made them aware of, and my brother's behavior alone should have easily verified to them.....still....

.....not one person even notified me. Not from the care home, not from the Public Trustee's Office, whom he ended up under after my remaining brother's POA for him was officially revoked by the P.T.'s office themselves, for total noncompliance AND lack of payments to the home, among other crimes....many aspects of which the PT blatantly refused to chase down, though they all involved our father's (and the 'continuance' of our Mother's) estate. I could write a BOOK, just about THEM and their bungling, over their handling of BOTH of my parents' affairs.

But nope - no one called ME, the daughter who originally tried to work with both agencies. Instead, they called ONLY my brother, even being totally aware that he never spoke with me (was this vital item deliberately erased from their case notes & meetings???) and that he'd tried to do something illegal with our father and got caught at it, not to mention his lack of compliance in each and every facet of our father's care.

To make matters even more bizarre and downright nasty, they wouldn't even tell me what my own father died of! It would now be up to ME to call them long distance to only POSSIBLY get that information!

It seems my brother had given them, at some unstated point, "instructions", which I'm assuming must refer to me. But I'm astounded that they'd actually still have FOLLOWED any instructions from him at ALL, after all the trouble he caused everyone, and, more importantly, being the SOLE CAUSE AND REASON they had to apply to the PT's Office for our father's continuing care!

My family request for an autopsy (which the PT could have okay'd as administrator to my father) was ignored. This request, although supposedly on file with the home to be passed onto the PT when applicable, was not even mentioned as far as I know. I've also lost all the means I'd previously been told to wait for (upon his death) where I could have begun actions to address what I believe to be a Will made under duress (and during my father's dementia), I've been treated as if I'M the criminal in the family and even more to the point, I've been 'handled' as if I wasn't even my parents' daughter, or a family member at all!! Not even ONE other relative has called me during this whole time period, either, and yes, I'm assuming at least ONE of them has knowledge of my father's death.

There is also another aspect to my brother having 'stolen' an entire estate all for himself that I can't discuss here in public, but it's highly, highly and personally disturbing to me, which makes this all that much worse, as this 'theft' gives him easier means to do more wrong and adversely affect goodness knows how many other innocent lives.

I'm absolutely stunned by the baseness of people, even virtual strangers, and their penchant to 'side' with evil over those who try to do better and avert even worse disaster in (and even outside of) a family. ARE THEY ALL TOTALLY NUTS???!!! I've NEVER heard of anyone else who's not been notified of a parent's death, nor refused even the most basic of information about same.

Heading to a bunch of lawyers, I already realize, may not solve a thing, and will obviously cost me money I now didn't inherit in order to fight this....not to mention the emotional costs I've also been warned about.

So, has anyone else ever had this happen to them, or to anyone else they know? And if so, what did you/they do about it and how did that work out for you/them??????

I feel like the tiniest speck of a molecule that ever exis....oh, wait, it seems I DON'T even exist, really. That's what this world is telling me.

Edited June 30, 2008 by Maylissa

[WendyJ]

Maylissa I am sorry for what you are going through and wish I knew of some kind of advice to give you but I don't. I have not been through this myself but I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and praying this can get resolved for you. Take care and let us know if you make any progress.

Love,

Wendy

[shauna marie]

No, I haven't heard of such a case happening, but it doesn't surprise me. If the will didn't indicate you as executor of the estate, then unfortunately, you are SOL. I couldn't even have a power bill sent to my freaking house because I wasn't executor. You took the right steps in going to a lawyer.

Not sure why you weren't informed by anyone that your father had passed. Perhaps family assumed you already knew. Are you in touch with any of your family and/or friends of your father or mother? I find it hard to believe that NO ONE told you. However, you hadn't contacted the place where your father resided during this time either, though you knew he was dying? Perhaps you were seen as estranged from the family or something, I don't know.

As far as the will is concerned, not sure of the laws in your area, but I know that I had to sign off on the will, though I was not an executor. If your father had dementia and there was medical proof to substantiate that, you may have a case. I still could have contested the will. A lawyer should be able to assist you.

Take care of you,

Shauna

[Maylissa]

Hi, and thanks to both of you for replying when I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with. I've not been doing well at all, so haven't had the energy to reply back until now.

I find it hard to believe that NO ONE told you.

All I can say, is, "So do I!!! And that's the same response I've been getting from almost everyone I've told. Unfortunately, it's so bizarre and unheard of that I can tell some people actually think I'm LYING about it, which only does me even MORE residual harm! It's just more of the same garbage that always results from my family-of-origin -- in the end, it's passed down to me to have to deal with inside, and outside. It's hard not to feel total resentment towards them, and now, even virtual strangers who ought to have had more sense, not to mention better moral judgment in their treatment of one particular family member, have uncaringly carried right on with my family's 'traditions' of being morally bankrupt, corrupt, crooked, devious, cold-hearted and intentionally malicious. No one would have believed, either, how coldly I was given this news or how horridly I was treated by the first person to tell me at the home. She just kept repeating, "I can't help you with that. You'll have to call the Public Trustee." No apologies, no "I'm sorry" about ANYTHING, not even a bloody Kleenex offered by her. She just wanted me to GO AWAY. If there was any hope of getting anywhere with such a thing, I'd sue their a**** and ask for psychological damages payment to boot!

While I hadn't been in contact with the home my father was in for some time now (because of dealing with my other loss), I'd been pretty much THE lone family member to liaise with both the home AND the Public Trustee since my father was placed in the home and later put under the auspices of the PT, due directly to my remaining brother's non-compliance with the home and his care/fees. I'd been assured I'd be informed of ANY major changes with my father's health and also made certain I was listed on their contact sheet. I'd spoken to his doctor, his RN, the Unit Coordinator, other nurses, and the home's Social Worker, all from the very first day he was placed. The fact that I didn't keep up that contact should not have impacted anything, as my brother had only briefly spoken to one or two of these people once or twice in total (when they were desperately trying to get him to send them proof of his POA and other needed documents and info. - he never did), and his Power of Attorney was even officially revoked by the PT after about 1.5 yrs. due to his complete non-compliance. He'd even refused to sent the PT an accounting of our father's assets and what he'd done with all their funds.

If they had a choice as to who to contact, he ought to have been the LAST one, not the first, nor certainly the SOLE one. HE certainly wasn't the one who'd been asking about what personal supplies, clothing, etc. my father had available to him, nor about his condition or the meds. he was on, etc., etc. Nope. My brother just sat with the bulk of my parent' funds at the time, and now he's gotten the entire balance, including an estate from another relative whose assets should have gone into our father's PT account, NOT directly into my brother's pocketbook. Somehow, the lawyers helped him do these evils.

Something very sinister has happened and I can't get any answers from anyone so far, despite, once AGAIN, being the one to take the time to initiate more contact. They must know they've messed up, but as most such organizations today, would rather DIE than ever admit to doing wrong. The only crumb they've thrown me so far is the date of my father's death....not even the cause, nor an explanation of why they didn't contact me. They've lied to me several times already, and the PT depts. aren't being of much help, either.

So I'm left asking, "JUST HOW MUCH WRONG DOES ONE HAVE TO DO BEFORE IT HAS AN IMPACT UPON HOW YOU'RE VIEWED AND TREATED?"...esp. in comparison to one who's done the OPPOSITE???

I will now 'have to' spend more money accessing the applicable court-filed documents, just to see what OTHER omissions have been left out of my parents' estate. I don't have a recent enough doctor's diagnosis of dementia to satisfy a judge as to the legality of this (bogus) Will, even though my father's diagnosis came only about 4 wks. after he was forced into a lawyer's office to sign this Will, leaving everything to my brother. In other words, I've been screwed royally, and all with the help of my brother's lawyer(s), the home and the PT.

There is even more evil to this story, but I cannot discuss it in public. Suffice it to say, I've done what little I could about that end of it, and what else I could do I don't dare as, knowing all the evil attached to my family, I know it will just come back to bite me in the rear, somehow, some way, if I do. So I must leave that all up to Source to handle as It sees fit, IF It even does a thing about it. My faith in everything has been totally shaken, even more so than through my personal losses. This was the proverbial last straw.

I can't help but be almost nothing but bitter (so please don't anyone tell me NOT to be) about the whole thing. I deserved to be treated as if I'm really the daughter I (supposedly?) was/am, but that's not happened. These agencies took away more than just my last recourses concerning certain aspects of this whole mess. They took away my moral rights, my dignity, my 'status' as a family member, my faith in people being or acting decently and my faith in Source. In fact, I'm so bitter right now that I can't see the point anymore in trying to be or do 'good' anymore. What for??? It's not served me well in this case, or in enough other cases either. Evil always wins and good loses out. That's the message I see.

It's nothing if not humiliating, too. I KNOW what people tend to think when things don't go your way in cases like this. They think you MUST have done something terribly wrong for 'the world' to treat you this way. I'm sick of hearing it. If anyone other than a few, select people knew just how MARKEDLY SHARP the contrast is between me and my family (and now, esp. this brother of mine), they'd think differently. But they don't. And many even REFUSE to believe it could possibly be. I never felt like I could possibly belong in such a family, but there I was. But I'm sick of defending myself, sick of trying so hard to explain, sick of attempting to right the wrongs, injustices, unfairness and evil. I'm sick of everything.

I'd tried to do the best and rightest thing (while still not overdoing it according to my limits at any given time....gee, just like you're advised to) in relation to the bigger picture and all that was or had been going on. I tried to 'be' and model the moral conscience of my family and all that their lack in that arena had led to. And this is the repayment I got for that grand waste of time, angst, pain, money and energy. I'm sure any enemies I might have are laughing up their sleeves right now. And most importantly to ME, if I'd known it was all going to be such a big waste of effort and 'smarts', I wouldn't have taken all that time to make notes, record conversations, liaise, hire a lawyer, etc. when I could have spent ALL that time with my girl instead, when she was still alive!! So that's been taken away from me, too, and I can't change a thing about it.

Even outside of this whole fiasco, nothing's going right in my life lately. I'm suffering yet another personal loss and my hands are being tied in that regard, too. I'm tired of phony people, tired of trying, tired of living.....if this is all life is going to be. I know all the popular theories and advisements about this, both spiritually and psychologically, but I'm still saying, "I really can't TAKE it anymore" and really would rather be taken from this world, whether my lessons here are done yet or not. I have nothing to offer the world...at least nothing it really wants. My heart is just too darn broken to keep carrying on and I can't seem to pull myself back out of this dark pit anymore. And naturally, the more I'm suffering, the more others avoid me.....so, what's the point in going on?

Edited July 14, 2008 by Maylissa

[leeann]

Maylissa,

I'm sorry the facility where your Dad was didn't do as promised. I can only imagine how awful you must have felt once you found out he had passed.

I am hoping that at least now maybe he can be a more complete and peaceful soul.

As for any recourses you have with the facility... I really couldn't tell you other than reporting their behavior to whatever authority licences them or oversees them. (Maybe the Public Trustee they mentioned?)

As for his cause of death?? Maybe you could just ask your brother as he may indeed have this information. I understand that you may not agree with everything your brother has said or done.. but if you really want the information.. perhaps you can find a way to ask him for it.

Forgive me but I can't tell from what you have written whether you are seeking a share of any estate that may exist for your father. If you are.. maybe contacting an attorney to advocate for you is the way to go. Or you could just leave the whole money thing alone too. That is always a choice.

As we all know too terribly well, life is short. So take your condition into account and see what you are up for as far as this goes. Maybe it isn't worth the stresses. Only you can determine that for yourself. So yeah maybe something sinister did occur but.. really weigh whether or not finding out what it was is worth your peace of mind, your time or your emotional energy.

Take some time for yourself... this has been quite a stunner for you and you will need some time to heal. Look for small ways maybe to pamper yourself and take mental breaks away from all of this tough stuff. Put whatever energy you can muster into your recovery and healing. This takes work and effort. So be stingy with your time and energy... pay yourself those first.

Whatever happened with your family in the past.. maybe it is time to just consider your own well being first. You tried to do the right thing and.. I think that in itself is something good you can take away from this whole experience. You did your best. What others did or didn't do is on them... not you.

One never knows what is ahead.. there can be so much goodness yet to be experienced for you. Of course after you heal up some, you can go on and find it.

I have learned that when deaths occur and grieving begins in earnest.. my priorities have had to change. And I have had to make my life as simple as possible. I don't have room for a whole lot of extra stress or demands.

((((hugs)))) for you Maylissa. I'm so very sorry this has happened. Seek your Doc out to maybe help you with this. He/she could help you feel so much better.

My wish for you.. is peaceful & healing days ahead and sleep filled nights.

leeann

[WendyJ]

Maylissa, Leanne said it all so perfectly, I couldn't have said it better. Please let us know how things are going?

Love,

Wendy

[Maylissa]

Thank you, Leanne and Wendy, for your compassion. I sure need that right now...you have no idea...

Leanne, you make some very good points and you're likely right about just keeping and tending to myself. That seems to be what the universe has been telling me to do. It's hard, though, as I'm feeling so utterly alone, like I've never felt before in my life (and I'd thought that was bad before, in times past!).

This also has a lot (though not all) to do with my most recent loss - that of my last remaining (and best) feline girlfriend, who has abruptly been taken away (from me, and yes, it appears it's actually that personal) to goodness knows where. (her 'owner' seems to be lying about everything, as is her history of style) She was the one most keeping me sane on a daily or weekly basis, depending on how often she came by to visit. That 'arrangement' was good enough for me, but now she's suddenly gone and I'm so horribly worried about her. I don't know if she's dead or alive. It's a long story that I don't wish to tell right now (no energy) but this came right on the heels of the other traumatizing development, and is hitting me terribly hard. So between the two things, I've hit a new, lower, rock bottom...one that's very frightening.

As for talking to my brother, I not only refuse at this point, but wouldn't dare, in case I end up contesting this Will, as he'd use anything possible against me, plus I'd be tipping him off that I know what he's kept secret all these months, and even years. Also, in light of the other aspect which I can't discuss, I want nothing to do with him ever again, I'm so disgusted and horrified.

I have already spoken to 2 lawyers, and will be retaining one to at least get some papers that might tell us a bit more. And I would contest this Will to get a rightful share of the estate, but it's sounding like despite all the circumstantial evidence that abounds around my father's incapacity at the time, that might not be good enough to win. I'm sure my brother counted on that. I also DO have an aversion, especially now, to delving back into my whole family history, so the money is a secondary point anyway. The principle is what bothers me the most. That, and allowing 'the bad guys' to win yet again. However, I doubt I have the energy for 2+ years of battling, regardless, nor do I want to make myself even sicker inside from the experience. Unfortunately though, that doesn't take care of my mega-amounts of feelings about all this and I'm even tired of having to spend money on therapists after all this time. My family keeps costing me in terms of both money and emotional damage and I'm too angry for words about it all.

It's really killing me that I tried to do a good amount of the right things in BOTH scenarios, and yet have lost and lost BIG in both cases, and so has an innocent feline whose only 'crime' was asking for some friendship & attention. No one around me understands how this is affecting me and worse, they don't seem to care. Par for the course, but I'm sick of it being this way. It's all making me feel like I ought to just give in and be as rotten and selfish as the rest of them are (including those outside of family), because they're the only ones who seem to come out ahead in this world.

I'm also facing the imminent burial of my furgirl (yes, finally, after much delay), and can't even concentrate now on planning her service. She deserves much more than this, so I also feel MORE than terrible about it. Yet I had my heart set on a certain date, for many reasons, and hate to change it NOW. All these other unforeseen events have totally mucked up my plans for this, and for the other memorial things I was supposed to have been doing in her honour this summer. (had also counted on my feline friend to be helping me in this regard....some agreeable fur to sob into as needed) Since this has been my second year, like many, for me too it's been even worse than the first year, so I didn't need any more upheaval to make it that much worse.

So I hate to 'disappoint' all those who are still trying so hard and who still have even small amounts of hope for the future left (more power to you), but all the 'fight' to survive these losses has just disappeared inside and that's never happened so entirely before now. Maybe I'll get through it, or maybe I won't. But I just don't dare give my heart to anyone again (of any species), nor to hope for a better future. That elusive dream just never seems to manifest for ME, even when I'm being true to my Self, as is always suggested. We can't all be model examples of healing, I guess.

Edited July 16, 2008 by Maylissa

[allalone]

Hi Maylissa,

I know that there is not much I can say to make you feel much better, but I hope things will get better for you.

I noticed you live in Alberta. Is that where your parents care was as well? Or were they in a different province.

I am wondering if the nursing home did not want to offer information or give any caring words because they could not verify who you were. How long did you lose contact with the home for? If your father had died 9 months previous to you phoning, and you hadn't contacted them in over a year, it could be a possibility that your brother - if he was behaving normally and making any sort of payment - demanded to have your information removed from the file resulting in no notifcation. In all likelihood this is what probably happened. I'm not making any excuses for the nursing home, just looking at the situation as an outsider and knowing that in any healthcare situation the individual who is there at the hospital is generally the primary contact.

Depending on the instructions and when the records get changed normally there is the main contact only and likely your info was filed away in an archive file or disposed of due to your brother's input and him being the POA.

Could it be that your extended family was upset with you and did not inform you because you couldn't visit? Still this is no excuse and someone should have told you. Perhaps with all the family problems everyone assumed that someone else informed you and perhaps even your brother may have said he informed you and said you wanted to be left alone? This would likely be the only reason other people would not contact you. There are many possibilities when there is a communication breakdown.

Depending on what the estate is worth it is up to you to figure out if you want to fight with your brother. If you cannot afford it and if you are not up to it emotionally you'll need to determine what dollar amount is worth going to court over. If it has gone to the public trustee obviously the handling of the estate is not being done properly and this is why they are involved. Additionally there may be charges pending with your brother if he has performed various illegal activities, you would have to talk to the public trustees and the local authorities to determine if that is occurring, however, your lawyer would likely have to do that on your behalf becase again verification of your identity would be in question if you are in another province and are not able to be there in person.

I know that you feel very alone and devestated and you have every right to feel that way. You are likely still in shock and also greaving terribly, so allow yourself to mourn, but also please do see a doctor because it does sound like you may be heading into a depression and sometimes they can recommend not only medication but other services in your area in terms of bereavment counselling, etc.

I am finding out the hard way that time does soothe some of the pain, it will never take away how much you miss that loved one and other feelings and history you had. But it will get better. Sometimes things get a little worse before they get any better. I had six months of crying every day until I could not cry anymore. Some were huge bawling sessions - others were a few minutes. But it is important not to deny yourself to feel these emotions. If you bury them, they will only resurface years later.

I just want to encourage you to look in your heart to do the best thing for yourself. Do something for yourself today and at least once or twice a week.

(((HUGS)))

a

[Maylissa]

Hi allalone,

Thankyou for the thought you put into my situation and your well-wishes.

To answer your questions:

The family was/is in another Province. The only remaining immediate family I have left is this one brother. There are a few extended relatives in that same Prov. and although I can't say for sure whether they knew anything about this, I did have a cousin whom I'd spoken with several times back then who'd planned on visiting both my father and brother last summer. She was to contact me afterwards, but never did (as was her usual way) and I just got fed up with trying to contact her and getting no response. There's a chance then, that she may have kept up contact with my brother, but not me. As with everyone else, she couldn't or wouldn't believe, either, that my brother is as horrid as he is....but then, SHE didn't live with him all those years, like I did. But that's just not good enough for most people. I've run into this time and time again, and it's always the same story...."Oh, SURELY, he couldn't be THAT bad!" Ugh....how bad does it have to get before someone believes you, I keep wondering???

However, there was no question as to my identity, as I'd begun contact with the care home from the very first day my father was placed there, as well as with the hospital he was in before being placed, and then with the PT as soon as they took over administration of my father's affairs. In fact, I was the only family member to fill out all their forms on my father's info/assets. My brother couldn't have been bothered. I tried for over a year to get them to chase down all the missing assets that I knew my brother had taken, even then. They didn't cooperate with me and I ended up having to hire a lawyer to do so. This was just as unsuccessful as my own attempt. This wouldn't be the first time the PT has come under fire for mismanaging people's accounts/affairs, but since they have their own legal team and the Prov's money to back them, people don't often win legal suits against them.

I was also told by various home staff of problems with my brother, including an illegal move made through my him regarding our father. They kicked my brother's 'henchman' out at the time. So there's no way they didn't know my brother was a dirty player and a bald-faced liar. And as I said, directly DUE to his noncompliance on all fronts, his POA was officially revoked by the PT and the home was well aware of this. He never paid for more than 1-2 months' worth of care, and after that it was paid by and through the PT - that is the main JOB of the PT and is the usual reason they take over someone's care - when applicable family members DON'T or can't. I myself couldn't have applied for this job because I didn't hold a POA for our father, nor would my brother have GIVEN me the funds he stole in order to pay for his care, so it would have had to come right out of MY pocket, and I didn't have the money then.

What I have been told (whether it's true or not) is that the home left my brother as contact #2 after he lost his #1 position, which then went to the PT. The question is - why did they leave him as #2 and not put MY name as #2 instead, given his history with my father's case? They also were aware that he and I no longer spoke, so that was the very REASON I'd told them they MUST call me separately as well, as HE never would, in like fashion to how he never called THEM. They'd said they "understood" and not to worry, I'd be called should anything happen. They, and the PT had already been informed by me that there were family relation problems and in addition, the PT already knew that I also believed there was a big problem with my father's Will. In fact, the PT HELD his Will in trust and presumably (according to my lawyer) had read through it, so most likely already knew my brother was named sole beneficiary, just as I had told them he would have made sure it was set up like. Add to that his refusal to cooperate with the PT themselves, and you have a picture of every agency involved aiding and abetting a criminal, and just not giving a damn.

The PT had also refused to call in the police on theft charges, even though that is well w/i their power and authority, as stated right in their policies, which I was already very familiar with from when they handled my Mother's affairs (due directly to my father's dementia!). They left all the hard stuff up to ME to try and pursue instead (less work for them and less money spent out of the client's account), which would have, I thought, made any slim chance of making things work even worse, as my brother would then have known that I knew what he was really doing, leading him to act even more stealthily. He'd lied outright to me way back at the beginning, so I wasn't about to be foolish enough to believe him anymore. The irony is that had the PT pursued all the hidden money, they would have still had MORE than enough left for the care of my father. They just couldn't have been bothered. Again, I was told that I could pursue this at my own expense, when I didn't have such funds to do so then, nor could I have done much UNTIL our father actually passed away anyway.....so it all hinged on being notified. Both agencies knew this.

In effect, they made ME into the 'bad guy', as if I had no right to expect a share in my own parents' estate, while my brother could do no wrong, even though he HAD, TIME AND TIME AGAIN!! How does this make any sense at all???

Really, I'm not in shock about my father's death, except for him not actually making it to his 'dream' age of 90 (he was 89 when he died), but that's not really "shocking", either. I'd just thought that somehow he'd hang on until then, like one of those ironic mysteries of the universe. What I'm shocked at is the downright cruel and despicable treatment I've received from both agencies, after being the cooperative member of the family initially and the one who gave both of them inside information so as to guide their work and decisions. Little did I know they'd turn that against me at such a critical time! Institutions and most of the world is simply BROKEN and people are forced into putting up with it due to monetary constraints. It's just getting worse every day.

I've made no bones here (in the past) about how there was no love lost between me and my father (he was a beast), but I still did the "right" thing by still having some concern about his meds. and care. And besides, most of that estate was made possible by the incessant hard work my Mother put into their livelihood for her entire life, whereas my father was a master at losing money through bad management. As such, since she and I were the 2 closest members in our family (despite our own problems) and I was also the only one who tried to act as her advocate when she was hospitalized for 6 months before her death (with little effect, as my father was official "next-of-kin", not I....still have a severe problem with that bureaucratic nonsense, too), I think I'm entitled to a part of the estate. Otherwise, it implies I'm not even a family member. Unlike my 2 brothers, even though I moved, I was in contact with my Mother over the years, while they lived right there and didn't want anything to do with anyone...not that I can't understand that, but still...

I'd also, in written form, long ago offered this brother the lion's share of the estate when the time came, since I knew he was not only jealous of me and our (then dead) brother, but also to try and ease some of those tensions. Well....he took the lion's share all right - 100% of it. And if I could tell anyone what I know he's planning on using those funds for....believe me, you'd all be as sickened as I am, guaranteed. I've found out additional things about him that have me reeling with the injustice of it all, things that should, by rights, put him behind bars, but for my own safety, I'm not willing to put my neck on the line to do more than what I've done so far in hopes he'll get caught w/o my further involvement.

So no, I don't see any excuse for either of these agencies notifying me, as they should have. In fact, I HAD been in therapy when this was going on, and even my psychologist gave me pointers and advice on how to handle things.....again, all for naught. This has turned into a large echo of how my father treated me, just because I dared to have my own life and not remain under his control.

His dementia was SO bad, even by the time my Mother was first hospitalized almost 5 yrs. ago, that when I arrived at her bedside the first time, he shook my hand, introduced himself to me and said, "Oh, yes, I have a daughter named (my name)." And yet that, plus MANY other events that took place from then on, apparently aren't enough to satisfy a court that he was NOT of sound enough mind when he signed that Will under duress. It's just another example of how the legal system fails us when we need it most.

I HAD also asked my husband repeatedly to call the home on my behalf, to see how things were going. At the time, I was grieving too heavily for my gal to wish to talk to them myself and just wanted nothing to do with any more family craziness. He never called them. Ironically, the last time I asked him was in the early fall, so I could conceivably have known about my father's death w/i a week or so of it happening and could have begun proceedings then, right on time. But he "didn't feel like" doing this for me. He knows how angry I am now about this, too, and is now bearing the consequences of his lack of help for his wife. I know he feels badly about it and is NOW helping me somewhat, but NOW is already too late. That money will be well hidden by now, in my brother's offshore account(s).

Yes, I need help, as in more therapy. But as I said, I'm loathe to spend more money than I have to again, all because of my stupid family. Call it a way to 'protest' for now. Besides which, I just don't have time at the moment. Maybe towards the last half of the summer. And I don't use drugs. There are addictive patterns in my family and I just won't go there, nor do I believe in the use or efficacy of most drugs or enjoy the added damage/risks they pose. I'll use my supplements and other aids instead. But nothing is going to change the facts, regardless. Nothing is going to change the legacy my family has left me.

I HAVE been crying, BUCKETS.....in anger, in frustration, in despair and hopelessness, and also in grief over this whole situation with my feline girlfriend. But the worst still, is my grief over my feline daughter. The pain is still unbearable, and made that much worse with her burial coming up so soon. It would have been bad ENOUGH with only that to deal with, but with all this on top of it, I'm falling totally apart.

I'm also extra-sensitive to energies, and with the increase of those on our planet already 'in the works', apparently it's causing a LOT of added upheaval for all of us, most especially those of us who ARE more sensitive to such frequency changes. So that's making things worse for me, too. And it's just too tough for me to work on such metaphysical things when I'm just too distraught to focus. At most I'm just trying to remember to breathe deeply. It also doesn't help that even w/i my circle of "lightworking" colleagues, no one's offered me any healing sessions to help me deal with all this. Nice to find out they can be just as insensitive, indifferent and self-absorbed as the next guy, despite all their claims of being so 'up there' spiritually. I'm disgusted with their behavior, too.

So it's always nice to know I can at least come here and just about always find someone who understands or cares. Thank-you, all, for that. It's probably not enough by itself, but at least it's something, and something good.

Edited July 17, 2008 by Maylissa

[MartyT]

Maylissa, dear ~

There is precious little I can say to you other than what I've already said to you in so many of my previous posts, PMs and e-mails. Suffice it to say that I continue to feel for you, and I'm so sorry that you've been treated so badly by so many.

I'm gratified that you continue to think of this as your safe place, where you "can at least come here and just about always find someone who understands or cares." As you have accurately observed, so much of your circumstances exceed our capacity to help ~ but at least we are always here for you ~ not to judge, but to listen, to empathize, and to reassure you that you are loved.

[Maylissa]

Thank you, Marty, for your always-tender words and sentiments.

As you have accurately observed, so much of your circumstances exceed our capacity to help...

Yes, I've been getting a lot of that lately. Everything is so bizarre that no one, not even those (few) who know me personally, really know what to say to me. Unfortunately, it also means most everyone is backing away, as no one wants to have anything to do with such trauma, even if it's not theirs. This, of course, leaves me once again more alone when I'm in the most need of support. I tried to get this outside of this forum, but alas, that hasn't worked out very well.

And I haven't been able to recently lend any support myself, for pretty much the first time in my life. I'd (foolishly?) thought that maybe it was actually and finally time that I'd be able to more fully rest in others' 'arms' and not be the one always giving out/back, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I just don't have anything left much inside right now to give, and I hope that's understandable and acceptable, at least to the GH family. I just feel totally broken in spirit.

I also don't really expect anyone to "help" in the sense of telling me what I might do....well, unless by some 'miracle', they've had the same experience too....no, not expecting that's the case, either; probably one in a million, such bizarreness. I just need sympathy and understanding of my feelings, as that's always the most important thing, along with willing ears to listen.

I'm just ever so tired of getting 'blamed' for what others do. (someone I thought was a friend pretty much said this to me this week, and also seemed to think I ought to be feeling GUILTY for not having any good feelings left for my father -- UGH!!) I don't see that I've done anything so wrong that it deserved such callous treatment, especially as compared to what the other players in these human dramas did. I didn't break the law, like my brother and even his lawyer did. I didn't refuse to cooperate or try to help. I didn't tell lies, steal and cheat, and nor did I do or plan the other things that he has that I can't talk about here.

That's the biggest question that keeps repeating itself in my head right now....what in the world did I do to deserve all this?! I'd thought I'd been doing what were the healthiest things for myself, and now people are telling me that wasn't good enough! I'm fed up with this attitude from others.

And as to the metaphysical aspects of the same question....even if I wasn't practicing the Law of Attraction, for example, to the best of my abilities in the last while, did the lack of that wholehearted effort deserve THIS much chaos? I don't know anymore. I seem to almost be cursed, even though I don't even believe in such things.

I'm just so tired of it all.

And planning our girl's burial is bringing back all the feelings of when she'd just passed, as is to be expected I know, but it's all that much worse with the rest of this alongside it. I'm resenting like he** the fact that these concurrent things have come along to interfere with what should have been ONLY HERS AND MY 'last' time. I'm trying as best I can to practice allowing "what is" to just be, but it's proving to be too difficult yet, and I don't have enough time to 'get over' the other stuff before we bury her. (yes, I could delay it, yet again, but that doesn't sit right, either) It also won't help that alongside my grief over her, will also be my fresh grief and worry over my furry girlfriend's life. She ought to have been able to be here for me (cuz I just KNOW Nissa would have sent her over here at just the right time, as she has over the last almost 2 years to date), and now she's just GONE, to who knows where and Ican't even help her, much less have her help me. It's so grossly....yes, I'll freely use that much maligned word....UNFAIR, as well as just plain wrong, wrong, wrong.

[leeann]

Maylissa.. Perhaps letting go of your family's stuff would help you concentrate a bit more on working through your grief for your pets.

None of us "deserve" the stuff that happens to us along our life journeys. It just happens sometimes. Life doesn't seem to work out as something that is equally fair to us all. It just doesn't work that way.

How well we cope with the cards we are dealt, is up to us and is key. We have choices we can make. We can choose how we think about things and situations. We can choose to allow them to upset us to no end... or we can choose to let them go and move on to other things along our journey.

(There is a great discussion of life's fairness on the "Behaviors in Bereavement" Forum..entitled "Unfairness"; just click here to read it if you want:

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3251 )

I think it is unrealistic for me to expect that everything is going to be fair & just in my life and that I will never have challenges. Of course I will have tough times.. we all will and do. I just choose to deal with them and others' in a way that brings me the most peace and fosters my personal growth in areas that I think are important.. like love, cultivating joy etc.

None of your families' wrong doing was yours... it was theirs. They are responsible. And I think if you don't really have the emotional, physical or mental capacity at this point to deal with any estate issues.. honestly... I would just drop it. Erase that whole mess from your mind and heart. You can rest easy knowing you did your best and that is enough. If other's don't think so... well to be honest.. it's none of their business.

All that matters with your Dad is that you knew you had done your best with that situation. There is nothing really left for you to do about it. So I would let your families' chaos be theirs and not yours.

Emotional fallout from it?? Well that's up to you too.

I have learned I can't change the past.. only how I think about it. I can choose to feel victimized and put upon or I can see it as just simply part of the journey I had to walk, and through it, I learned alot and now I'm past it and on to other things.

Did it effect me?? Sure. But I don't let those effects stop me from trying to find some joy in this life. Everyone has hard times.. I'm not special.

It is the postive things I can take away from trouble that sustains me.And again.. I choose to find the positive.. because I really do not like focusing only on the negative. I have found doing that only draws more negativity to me.

So I pick up the positives and discard the negatives. Because conversely I have found that when I focus on the positives... more positivity comes my way.

So maybe if you take some time to just release all that negativity from the situation with your Dad and the family problems, you will be in a much better frame of mind to work through your grief of the loss of your beloved kitties.

Maybe focusing on the love the kitties gave you and the gratitude I'm sure you have in your heart for the blessing of them in your life is the thing to do.

And maybe in time you will be ready to share your heart with another furry one.

I'll be thinking of you.

leeann

[lorikelly]

Maylissa i am so sorry for what you are going through. i don't have any answers i just can't believe it. my thoughts are with you. lori

[Maylissa]

The very most I can muster at this point is accepting what already IS in this situation, and doing the same with my feelings that just ARE what they are in each moment of the ever-present NOW, or as DesertBob put it, "To acknowledge and sit with the tension between what is and what ought to be."

However, these exact principles are a huge part of my struggle, directly because they did not appear to work as claimed (more on that below).

Of course we all have our share of challenges, I'm just tired of my particular challenges usually being too bizarre, 'out there' and outrageous for anyone to even relate to. When even others are stunned by their outrageousness, how do you think that makes the one who's directly affected by them feel?

I remember a movie a bunch of us watched in our 20's, a really bizarre and highly disturbing movie starring Dennis Hopper. After all this weirdness, violence and creepiness, at the somewhat 'happier' end, as we sat in rather stunned silence, one witty guy in our group dryly quipped, "And then they all went on to live nice, normal lives....." and we all howled with laughter, knowing even at that tender young age what a pipe dream that would have been for anyone actually involved in what was portrayed. I never forgot that comment, nor how hard I laughed, because, unbeknownst to anyone else there, I'd already lived through some pretty horrid stuff myself, and could highly relate. But then, as now, I was left with feeling different (and not in the 'good' way), among a whole host of other things.

In case I'd missed something in my pondering to date, I asked my husband if HE could see anything, anything at all, that was positive about or in either situation so far, and no, he couldn't. So now I have to ask....what is "positive" about either situation as it stands now, from which I'm supposed to extract something from?

I don't think you can, on one hand, say stuff "just happens" and on the other hand say that thinking either +tively or -tively draws like to like. It's got to be one way or the other and not BOTH such universal laws can be equally true or in operation. I had been going along, "trying to find some joy" in whatever was presenting, and was actually feeling actively grateful for a number of things (mirroring that idea that gratitude helps draw more to be grateful for to you), most esp. for my feline girlfriend's presence in my life. So I was not expecting to suddenly draw forth such negative events into my life, and certainly most particularly not one that was directly related to an area where I'd been experiencing so much gratefulness.

And now, she is suddenly gone and for all I know, suffering or dead. I cannot explain why her 'owner' chose to rip her from her home and family (such as it was) (and from me, her dear friend) and either dump her somewhere, give her away, or possibly even pay a vet to have her murdered for convenience. I was not only trying to DO some good (for at least this cat), plus take some good, but had progressed over time, myself, to that point of utter gratitude. There was no negativity or opposing thought in my mind regarding her, or (at the time) even regarding her 'owner', whom I'd come to accept as being who she was going to be, even if I didn't agree with her perspectives. I was actively working with what was and all seemed pretty copacetic. I have NO idea what changed. But she is still gone now. What is positive about any of that? This has now caused negativity, where there'd been none before. I can't explain this. In context, can anyone?

As for the family stuff, while I could point to not having the same amount of peacefulness surrounding them preceding these events as a possible cause of what transpired, the events themselves still seem drastically more extreme in nature than any negative thoughts and feelings I may have had about them by then. In fact, I've tried to barely think of my family at all, if I could help it, to help avoid negativity. So it still doesn't seem right that so MUCH negativity could have been drawn to the whole situation, at least not by ME. Don't forget, I was expecting to get called if and when, so wasn't even fretting about it, but only biding time by "trying to find some joy" in other things. None of this seems to make any sense according to those laws, which is what is causing so much frustration for me and is also a large part of my losing faith in such things right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And thank you, Lori, for still being around and responding, as well as for having such a "normal" response, as compared to so many others in my current circle. I've not even had the time or strength to read anything much here in so long, so I hope you're doing way better than I am lately.

Edited July 19, 2008 by Maylissa

[leeann]

No the situation with your family, your father's passing and the circumstances it presents, the most recent loss of one of your kitties... No.. they themselves, of course, aren't positive. That's not what I meant.

What I meant was that within those experiences.. sometimes there are positives that we can choose to focus on rather than the negatives. For instance with your Dad the positive is the knowledge that you had done your best. The kitty that was yours for a bit and now is gone.. well.. you did have the blessing of that cat in your life for a bit anyway. And you may also have the blessing of having future kitties in your life to love.

In other tough situations it is very hard to extract something positive, obviously.

But what I meant more was that there are, I'm sure, other apsects within your life that are much more positive that you could focus on and be grateful for. You have a loving husband etc... for example.

I have found that if I stay mired up and "stuck" in the more negative things that have happened to me.. that begins to be ALL I see and my emotions tend to be ALL about them and nothing else. Negative drawing negative.

On the other side of that coin, when I choose to step out and away from thinking of only the negative experiences... and turn my head, heart and soul to the long list of blessings in my life.... and focus on those... my emotions tend to balance out and I feel much better about life and loving. Positive drawing positive.

You see.. it is just a simple choice one can make.

I don't ignore the more painful events that have happened.. not at all. When those thoughts come.. I allow them to and feel and express any emotions attached to them.. and then.. I - let - them - go. And refocus on being grateful for the good things and events that have happened to me as well and the hope that more may come my way in the future. (ie: all those cliches... I have found.. do actually hold some truth. "Nothing bad lasts forever." "This too shall pass." "Better days are coming.")

I have also learned... clearly.. I am not special. My particular struggles may be unique and, no, I may never find someone who had anything like what happened to me happen to them. But EVERYONE has some struggles and therein lies the common ground. I take lessons away from each struggle and sometimes that is THE only positive... but ya know what? I'll take that.

The alternative isn't all that appealing.

I wish you peace Maylissa

leeann

[shauna marie]

Maylissa,

I've been reading this thread and quite a few things confuse me.

I'm not sure why, if the family issues are so upsetting, you are going after the estate or even bothering to worry about it. When my father died, I didn't really get any of the money, my mother did. I can tell you one thing--I wouldn't have wanted it. And my father was NOT the nicest, but this isn't the place to get into that.

You're free from your family, but you have to spread your wings and let yourself fly. You have to make the choice of whether to keep this up and keep crying over it and obsessing over it, or you can learn to let it go.

I am also seeing a common thread of "feel sorry for me" over and over throughout your post. It seems to be everyone else's fault. It's your husband's fault that the home wasn't contacted. People should listen to you, they should understand. And you're so alone because they don't. Well, I can tell you something--not too many people can identify with my situation. And you want to go near strange??? My life certainly has been weird, I can tell you that. But if I hid behind the "no one understands", then I don't heal because instead on focusing on the future and my uniqueness, I'm wallowing in self-pity.

One side note--I do have a friend who has went through a lot of the same stuff as me. But it's not the easiest as talking to him about one thing might trigger and sadden him and then he can't be there for me. Sometimes it's easier to just talk to people who don't know, they can't add their own feelings and complicate everything.

And sometimes you do need to realize that while bad things do happen, good things happen, too. Makes life bittersweet. As a result of losing my parents, I ended up being able to go to Disneyworld. I've had the chance to move here and be closer to my godfather. Has this made my parents deaths easier??? Absolutely not. But it gives me hope that there is another chapter to my life.

I second marty when she mentioned that some of your problems are bigger than this board. You mentioned you were in therapy? Are you still? Have you thought about grief counselling, if not already in that?

Take care,

Shauna

[shauna marie]

Maylissa,

I just wanted to add to my reply. First, I hope I didn't upset you with anything that I had said. I don't completely understand your position, granted, but I do understand quite a bit of it and I know that it was much healthier for me to react the way I did. Of course, that's what worked for ME. I also hope that you continue to post your frustrations and whatnot here. I always ask people online (even offline) if they are in therapy for specific issues because there is only so much that I can do and I like to know that someone is taking care of your needs.

I also wanted to say that I understand about how people judged you. I remember one of my friends and even my brother actually took the time to notice that I had a gap in my tooth around the time my father died. The same friend also judged me because I didn't cry at my father's wake/funeral. It was hard to explain that my father wouldn't have wanted me to and so I was respecting his wishes. I also see crying as the first part of accepting and I wasn't in a way to accept it at that point.

I just hope I didn't upset you/hurt you. My reply has been bugging me since I wrote it.

Shauna