Need Help From People Who Lost A Spouse A While Ago

[D21613]

Sorry for posting this in a forum that is not intended for me, but I really need the guidance from someone with a few more years under their belt then I have. If you've lost your spouse recently, I am so very sorry for your loss. PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST

My mother died 3 months ago after a long bout with Cancer. After 3 years as caregiver and 47 years as husband, my father is understandably lost, lonely and probably a bit scared.

1 month ago, Dad decided to go on an international trip with the widow of his childhood best friend and her family – just to get away. Now he is ticketing a 1 week cruise for the widow and himself.

I don't begin to think that I (a son) am experiencing what he is, and I want him to find happiness again, but I don't think he is in the right place to make these decisions at this point.

He is already talking about “not getting married until mom is gone for at least a year”!

Has anyone been through this before? How can I discuss this with him in a way that he might hear and understand? I don't want to push him into being alone but I don't want to do things for the wrong reason either.

Any "parental" help would sure be appreciated.

[dpodesta]

There is a book out there that goes over just what you are talking about. I believe I posted the title in one of my earlier posts and Marty will probably find that link and post it here before long. This book was from the writer of "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" only this book deals with loss and what men and women do differently. Some of the book is about divorce as well but there is still reference to death as well. In the book, I remember reading that men will seek out another relationship rather quickly, however they may go from one to the other. I hope this may help you. As to how to approach him I am not sure other than maybe buy the book ahead of time and somehow suggest he read it or give it to him somehow.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Hi there,

I know this has to be a very difficult thing for you after your mother passing away just 3 months ago. I am 69 and lost my husband 3 years ago so I guess I'm a parent. It's hard to say why people do what they do, but it appears that your father just needed to get away that first trip - I can understand that because it was with family, etc. The private cruise is a different thing. You know, they say that sometimes after that long of a wonderful marriage and the pain of the other passing makes the spouse feel so lonely that they may do some things we don't understand, but we need to try to. I know you want your dad to not do this, but maybe you need not to say anything to upset him right now and yourself as well. It might not be such a bad thing, who knows? They say major decisions shouldn't be for a year and I do believe that's true, but he's not getting married. I guess, being the parent, I would not want to hear anything that would be hurtful right now - maybe nothing at all would be okay. I don't know, but that's coming from someone who's lost their spouse and sometimes gentle treatment for ourselves and our parents can be good. I know you will do what you feel is good for you both. Good luck!

Your friend, Karen

[D21613]

Derek & Karen

Thank you for taking the time to respond. My mother was always the one we could talk to - now, because she is gone this has come up and I need to talk to her perhaps more than I ever have before.

Thanks for filling that void. It means more then you may ever know

[MartyT]

I think the book Derek referred to is Mars and Venus Starting Over. (See Struggles With a New Relationship.)

[dpodesta]

Thanks Marty

That is the one I was refering to. I knew you would come through once again. It was interesting as well to go back and read the post. So much has changed since then and it is interesting to read where I was back then.

Love always

Derek

[MartyT]

I think that is one of the most valuable aspects of a site like this one, Derek ~ it's like a journal, in the sense that you can go back to your very first posts and read just how far you've come.

[kayc]

D21613

I made the mistake of remarrying too soon...I'm not saying his choice would be wrong, but I hear what you are saying. Whether or not the choice is good or bad is almost beside the point...the point being that when you go through a loss of this magnitude, it takes time for you to discover yourself as an individual and to become a healthy whole person capable of making positive decisions for yourself. When I entered grief, my head was in a fog, that first summer after I lost my spouse was a complete blur. I don't think I was "in my right mind" the first two years at least. By then I was left with the aftermath of what I'd done. The choice, for me, may end up with a happy ending yet, the future still remains unseen.

Your father, however, is an individual, separate and apart from you, with his own life, his own decisions and choices, and he will make them. You can point things out to him that he may not have thought of, you can perhaps get him to delay things, but in the end, they will be his decisions and actions and he will have the consequences of them, whatever they may be. He has the added benefit of having known this person for a long time...as such, there will be less surprises, they may have similar values and interests, and that helps. He is, undoubtedly, trying to fill a void that was left. If it is any consolation, I have heard it said before that if someone has a happy marriage, they want to have another one...if it was unhappy, they want no part of it. That doesn't apply in every case, some want to "quit while they are ahead" and just savor the memories of the one they shared their life with. The important thing is to not judge your father, to be supportive of him even if you disagree with his choices. I have seen some couples that remarried within a month or two of losing their long term spouse...I don't advocate that by any means but they went on to have happy lives and marriages. They need to understand that the second one will be nothing like the first one and be prepared to deal with that. Nothing will bring back what they lost, no matter what they do.

It is good that your father has such a concerned and caring son. You can openly talk with him, pray for him, but in the end, you'll have to accept his decisions...even as he will have to accept whatever results.

[AnnC]

It's very hard to say what is the "right" time for someone to get into another relationship after being widowed.

My grandfather was married to my grandmother for 48 years and cared for her for 10 years during her battle with cancer. When she died, it was June 1975. Three months later, he married a widow whom they had known for 40 years.

My mother thought it was way too soon and a big mistake. My father (whose father it was who remarried) totally disagreed and said my grandfather knew what he was doing. In any case, my grandfather was married to his second wife until his own death 12 years later.

Were they happy? I didn't see all that much of them, and I was young and getting married and wrapped up in my own life, so I can't really say. I think they gave each other some comfort.

In my grief group, there was a woman who had lost her husband to suicide. After about a year, she got engaged to their next door neighbor, who had been a huge comfort to her after her loss. She was a bit defensive about how soon it was, but our grief counselor said it's different for everyone, and no one can judge for someone else when is the "right" time -- if ever.

Ann

[kayc]

Ann,

I think that's another good point...when someone has been in the "caregiver" role for any length of time, they have begun their grieving process sooner than those who lost their mate suddenly. They may, therefore, be further along in the process than the rest of us. I know my own father-in-law was infatuated with a woman one month after his wife's death and they had been married over 40 years! This new woman refused to marry or live with him, but they have been good companions to each other all these years since and it's been 21 years now. We felt, at the time, that it was too soon, and we were all shocked, as if he somehow wasn't giving mom her just due, but in the time since, I feel we can't judge, and his "grieving" had actually begun with her cancer, three years before her death.

[dpodesta]

Ann,

You are right, each person is different and the time frame is different for each person. The 2 year wait period is just a guide line to help poeple to make sure that it is the right thing to do and not something they are rushing into out of fear or some other motive that could end up in a disaster.

Love always

Derek

[AnnC]

I am not at all sure my grandfather didn't just remarry so quickly in order to fill the empty spaces.

On the other hand, people around me seem to think that I have to "move on", and evidently dating is not "moving on" in their opinion. People urge me to remarry. It bothers me, because it's my life, and I am not closed to the possibility that I would find someone to marry, but I haven't up to now, though I have dated some really nice men over the years. I have been divorced for 25 years, and remained friends with my ex (who was gay), and we were especially close during his illness. He died four years ago, and I did feel widowed. But I dated a lot after divorce, had a 10 year relationship at one point; and have dated since his passing. But people keep acting like I'm not "moving on" unless I actually get married!

[kayc]

Ann,

Remarrying does not equate with moving on! You are wise to listen to your inner self for your guide and not others. People can remain unmarried and yet adjust to this new life...or they may remarry and yet not be able to move on at all. It has more to do with our personal adjustment and fulfillment than our marital status. Keep following your own instincts, they are just fine! You have kind of surmised that already in that you have realized that you feel widowed even though you and your ex were divorced before he died...that's because marriage is more than a piece of paper. You had a special bond, and just because he realized he was gay did not sever the special bond you and he had. Even his partner, if I recall, realized the specialness of yours and his relationship. Some "marriages" seem to be lacking in that bond even with the piece of paper, while other relationships have it, even though the paper does not exist. You did not willingly end this relationship, it was circumstances beyond your control, and you still cared for him, so of course you feel widowed now that he is gone. Please feel free to express your feelings here, you are a part of this grief family and belong here. I admire you and your ability to handle things, you are a tremendous loving person.

Love,

KayC

[DesertBob]

On the other hand, people around me seem to think that I have to "move on", and evidently dating is not "moving on" in their opinion. People urge me to remarry.

All those people are actually doing is propping up their own illusions. You have to do what works for you, and apparently, you have. (Re)marriage is a very personal decision, as is how you go about it. People will judge you for marrying too young, too old, too fast, too slow, wrong person, wrong ceremony with the wrong people invited -- the list is endless. And I guarantee you that whether expressed or not, someone who might hear that you were "finally" remarrying would say to themselves that, aha, you never really loved your husband. You just can't win. So do what's right for you.

--Bob

[AnnC]

Thank you so much for your responses. This has been bugging me lately. KayC, what a great memory you have! I haven't posted here for quite awhile, I'm touched that you remember my story! Yes, my ex's partner is still a good friend of mine, and he has been of enormous comfort to me (as I hope I have been to him). I feel badly for him -- there is no word for a gay partner who has suffered this great loss. You're right about marriage -- for so many years, I felt that our marriage "failed", and envied my sisters and their happy marriages. Well -- over the years, the truth surfaces. My ex and I remained very loving, though we both moved on to other romantic relationships. My sisters have begun to question their marriages, as to whether they are so happy after all -- one brother in law is drinking heavily, and there are problems galore there, and the other sister says her marriage was never more than a "marriage of convenience". And my mom lost my dad after 56 years. Everyone's life has pain -- that doesn't mean we should not feel that pain, but it does mean we are not singled out by fate for misery. And I am not miserable. As more time goes on, I am more and more grateful that I had my ex in my life, because he was such a wonderful person.

And Bob, you are so right that you just can't win! I figure, if another marriage is in the cards for me, then it will happen. I'm neither seeking it nor hiding from it.

It's really wonderful to be able to come here and speak my mind and get such understanding and supportive responses!

Ann

[dpodesta]

Ann,

Kay is right, listen to yourself only you know what is right for you. My wife died a little over 2 years ago and while I have dated a couple of times I don't know if I will ever remarry. It isn't because I haven't moved on, it is because I have found that I actually am starting to enjoy single life or at least as much as I can with a 9 year old to raise.

Love always

Derek

[Lily]

Hello,

I'm so sorry about your mom - I know it's hurting you and I know it's hurting your dad. I'm not a parent and I just my husband just recently died but I

had him in my life for over 40 years and the loss is almost unbearable and

I say "almost" because I'm still here but the ache is so bad that I don't

want to be....so I guess what I have to offer to you and your dad is - as hard

as it may be for you, let your dad be, let him do whatever it is that may bring him some comfort and peace - it doesn't sound as though he is harming

himself in anyway - if he's known the widow since childhood and he's made

reasonable decisions in his lifetime, then this may be reasonable too - I guess what I'm trying to say is if she or his family is not trying to take advantage of him, then let him make the decision that will maybe bring about

some internal rest for him...I had someone tell me just yesterday that they

thought I was doing ok, and then further words, attempting, I guess to be an

amateur psychologist - and all that because I wasn't crying and was able

to carry on a conversation and my house was clean....and all the while I'm

screaming on the inside - so if your dad is able to grasp on to something

that gets him through the day and the night - he won't be forgetting your

mom and all the years and memories with her - he'll just survive it with

maybe a little less pain....and, you know, you said your dad said he wouldn't

marry before a year had passed - a lot can happen in that year. My mom

died after a long battle with cancer nearly 40 years ago - I was a young

person then and my dad was only 50, but they had been married for over 25 years; thinking back, I know how badly I grieved for my mother - but I

know now that I never fully grasped my father's loss - until now. And at

92, he and I share talks that I never imagined. He never married, but he

did start seeing a friend that he too had known forever and he's still her

"boyfriend" - but he told me the other day that he cried everyday for a

year for my mom and that he still after all these years can picture her

doing things in the home, or with him, or them talking...but, see, he had

to do what made him able to live. I hope this has helped you a little. Take

care, I know you're worried about your dad - just be there for him ready

with a reaching hand should he falter or stumble in trying to help himself.

Love, Lilly