Having A Hard Time

[mlg]

I'm having kind of a hard time tonight because tomorrow will be the 6th month anniversary. I still don't understand why us and then I feel guilty, why not. We weren't any better than anyone else. There is a man who was diagnosed about 2 weeks after Tom with a very aggressive and rare lymphoma. He had strokes, clots and multiple other things and is still going. They just found more cancer but again he still seems to rebound. I'm happy for them but also jealous. I'm upset because his pillow is losing his smell. Someone suggested using a blow dryer on it to heat the material and possibly it would release more of him so I'm going to try that. I'm starting to get really tired again from lack of sleep and that seems to be when I get more emotional too. Well, I just had to have a little "pity party" and now I'm settling down again. Thanks for listening.

Mary Linda

[fred]

So sorry you are having a hard time right now Mary Linda, but unfortunately that is the way this goes. I wish I could tell you everything will be fine and dandy tomorrow, but so many of us here have not found that to be the case. Grief will come and go, there will be better days and when you least expect them, some pretty bad ones. Too many times in the last eighteen months I have thought I was doing okay, maybe I am through the worst of it. Fat chance. Don´t take my words negatively, I have made it this far and again things are not too bad. Just take it one day at a time, post and read here whenever you need to, I still pop in during the wee hours sometimes. Others have survived this, we can too. Just know you are still loved and tomorrow is another day. Hugs and prayers for you.

[MartyT]

Mary Linda, dear ~

We are thinking of you on this anniversary day, and I'm hoping you will find this article helpful:

Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day

[kayc]

Mary Linda,

I am sorry you are hurting and missing him so much, we all know all too well what you are feeling. I cried when I could no longer smell George's smell on his bedding, robe, etc., but never will I forget it, so I guess it's okay, in my mind I can still smell him. It's funny the things that hit us. Missing his voice, things like that. I know what you mean...George died, while our friend lived, and our friend had been so ill for so long...he lived another three years after George did, but now he's died too and I am so sorry for his widow, my dear friend. I no longer feel jealous of someone else for living, only sorry for our own losses.

Six months is particularly hard...reality sets in, we realize they aren't coming back, it's not just a bad dream, it's our new existence. It's one of those turning points, but once we've made it through that hurdle and can begin to develop our identity, new and afresh, we start to do better. Keep hanging in there, one day at a time, you will make it. And I can see why you miss him, he has a beautiful smile.

KayC

[Gail_R]

Mary Linda..I'm sorry that you cann't smell him on his pillow...for me it has been 18 months since my husband passed away and I sprayed his pillow with his aftershave for more then a year after his death and that helped me sleep so give that a try and see if it helps. Gail

[WendyJ]

Welcome Mary Linda and I know what you mean about not being able to smell him any longer. The other night I was going thru a few of Steve's things for a clothing drive for the Lupus Foundation and I had to sit down and cry as every damn thing I took out no longer had his smell, well it could be because they were laundered I guess. Gail my friend that is the best idea I have heard in a long time ! I loved to smell Old Spice on Steve and I never thought of that !

Love,

Wendy

[kimb]

Im sorry for you loss mary linda. wednesday was only 3 months for me. It was a hard day lots of crying. anyway i can relate about the smell i only have one bottle of aftershave left and it doesnt have a lid on it but i smell it every so often, but thats a good idea putting it on a pillow. i wish you blessings and comfort

kimb

[mlg]

Thank you all for being here. Today was the first day I can say I was actually depressed. I have been sad a lot,but today was different. I did try using the blow dryer on his pillow and it did bring back some of the smell (it is the smell from his sweating head so it is actually him). I haven't changed the original pillow case in 6 mos. I just keep putting a clean one on top ot it. At first I was worried because I couldn't remember his voice but one of his good buddies happened to have saved a voicemail on his cell phone and he called until we got it just right on the answering machine so now I can play it whenever I want.

It's funny that one of you mentioned his smile because that is what a lot of people remember the most about him. To let you know a little about him, he was the oldest of 12 chilren. I knew he was the one on our first "rain-soaked" date. My mother always said if there was a fault to our marriage it was that we both had too much of a mutual admiration. We had been married 2 weeks shy of our 37th anniversary and could pretty much finish each other sentences. He was kind and gentle, but was always worrying. In fact we laughed about what he'd do in heaven since he wouldn't have anything to worry about. He loved his family, including the dog even though he would deny that. This has been so hard because there were very few times that we weren't together. He was a great tease and would be yelling at his sister by now for mowing the yard too short. I hope I've done a good enough job keeping ours the way he liked it.

From the beginning he said he wasn't afraid to die. He just didn't want to miss all the things the grandkids still had to do. If any of you want a neat idea when someone you love loses their special person. A friend of ours gave my daughters and I each an embroidered handkerchief so that we could take it to all those "special" occasions and he would be there. I used it at my granddaughter's First Communion so that he could still be a part of it.

Thanks again for being here, understanding and listening. It is so nice to know that I don't have to put up a front.

Mary Linda