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New Here-lost My Wife 8 Weeks Ago Today

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I lost my wonderful wife of 24 1/2 years on June 4 after she battled mantle cell lymphoma for over 16 yrs. She went through countless chemo's, radiation, and surgeries. At a minimum for the last 5 years, we were at the hospital every weekend for tests/treatments. The doctor's ran out of treatment options in April and the little bit of kidney function she had left was failing. Her body only tolerated dialysis for five weeks until her blood pressure got so low it was no longer possible. I was able to take care of her at home full time since March. Hospice was called to our home the Sunday before Memorial Day. She was totally dependent on me the last four weeks for everything as she was so weak she couldn't even raise her hands to scratch an itch on her face. Her son and I were with her when she made her transition on June 4.

Through all that, she never complained. I just hope that if anything like that should happen to me that I have half the courage and strength that she demonstrated. She is such an inspiration and truly fought and enjoyed everyday. She was always thinking about others. The day the doctor was ordering hospice and as bad as she felt, she complimented the PA on her dress. She always looked for the good in everything.

We did most things together, enjoyed talking with one another, went out dancing until the last few years when she was losing her balance, and went out to dinner with friends. Now I have a home of silence. I now have to figure out how to live with half of me missing. Our friends still get me out for dinner but I feel so empty without her by my side. We truly had one of those unusual marriages where we just couldn't get enough of each other. I couldn't wait to get home after work because she was always there waiting for me with a hug and kiss. It just doesn't get any better than that.

This is one adjustment that I just can't stand. So everyone asks: "how are you doing?" When they find out I'm making an effort to go out to dinner with friends, I get the impression that they think oh, that is great and everything must be okay. Well, it isn't. I try not to be a drag and I don't want people feeling sorry for me, so I put on a face. That one hour of being out (which is difficult to begin with), is miniscule to the rest of my day when I feel so darn empty and lost. I feel like someone let all the steam out. I just feel numb. The silence is just so incredibly hard to deal with. I'm trying to build up enough courage to join one of those widow/widowers groups that go out to dinner once a month. Something with a lot of people who can at least relate to the loss and an opportunity to talk and listen. However, I'm finding that difficult and just can't do it yet.

I truly believe that we will be together again in the future. Until then, I have to remind myself that she was strong and lived for each day. I need to do the same. Before she made her transition to Heaven, she told me that she wanted me to be loving and happy. Easier said than done but I will try somehow. --Mark

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Wow Mark what a testomony to your marraige. I lost my wife on April 6th of 2006. I understand completly what you are feeling. The only difference is I have a now 9 year old to take care of. So the first part of the evening is not lonly as I have the cooking, cleaning, homework and such before he goes to bed. But once he is in bed then the lonelyness would hit me. 2 years later however I don't always get that lonly feeling anymore. I have learned who I am again, that took time to do you gt so intertwined with your wife that when she is gone like you said, half of you is missing. I am glad you have found this site, it is full of wonderful people who will be here for you.

Love always


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I'm sure you've already figured out that there are no magic bullets that will make everything better. I lost my wonderful Julie on March 31st, and though I have four wonderful kids at home, there hasn't been a day when I didn't feel the most profound sense of loneliness imaginable. We too had one of those perfectly matched marriages where we both wanted to spend as much time as possible together. Even today, when something good happens to me, I reach for my phone to call her and let her know. It's just a reflex that I can't seem to kick.

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about getting out with friends and trying to put on the face, so you're not being a drag on them. I find myself talking about her a lot, and I know that makes many people feel uncomfortable, as they are worried that they are going to say something wrong, or they just want to change the subject. Although my comments aren't sad ones, I can understand their discomfort. It still doesn't keep me from commenting about the most beautiful, talented, loving wife that ever lived.

The months ahead will be your toughest, but as many on this board will tell you, the pain will lighten a little more with each passing day. I still miss her as much today as I did the first day she was gone, but the emotional roller coaster just doesnt' seem to go quite so high or quite so low as in the beginning.

Just know Mark that you have people who you can count on during the lowest of your low points to understand what you are feeling and provide you comfort as they come from the same perspective that only the unfortunate members of our 'club' can know. Hang in there. Enjoy the memories that you shared for all those years, and know that with your wonderful wife, you shared more love and happiness in one year than many will find in a lifetime.

As the Garth Brooks tune goes, 'I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.' I'm sure like me, you wouldn't have missed 'the dance' for any amount of pain relief.



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It is a tribute to a wonderful love you both had....you are a very lucky man to have had a beautiful lady love you so much. That love is to be treasured, no matter what you have to go through to do that. Your story is beautiful and I'm so sorry her battle was for so long. It is so hard to go through the feelings, emotions and everything else that will probably happen. The fact that she was ill for so long maybe has prepared you a littl bit, but it doesn't matter. She isn't there to take of now. Please you must take care of yourself through this so you can go on to carry on her wonderful memory...I'm sure you will. This group is here to help you whenever you want to be with us...and we understand. Take care.

Your friend, Karen :wub:

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Mark, I hear you. Carol sounds like my Kathy. We were married 29 years, and the last four years were a terrible struggle with cancer. I know what you mean about courage and strength, and always thinking of others. The last night of her life, in the hospital, our pastor was visiting, and after he annointed her and prayed with us, she said to him “You look tired – are you OK?”. We were blessed to have these women in our lives Mark. I truly believe that the depth of our pain is simply proof and result of the depth of our love, and that is enough. It has to be enough, it’s all we have now.

Please take some time and read through past postings. There is a lot of wisdom here, all gained the hard way. And please know that there is a great group of people here who do truly understand, and who do truly care.

Peace and love always,

- Joe

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I am so glad you found this site and I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me. The people hera are so wonderful and supportive.

Like you , Tom & I had a wonderful almost 37 years together. We did everything together so everything from doing disnes to the yard brings back memories at first and you cry all the time. The last time I mowed was probably the first time I made it completely through without crying and I was mowing every 2-3 days this spring.

The last 6 mos have bee H---. I can't really tell you it is going to get better at this point because there are days that I feel I am wors than before. For some reason I am getting the "guilts" off and on now. I am a nurse and wonder did I miss something in the beginning that may have made a difference (He had pancreatic cancer), wny couldn't I find a way to tell when his pain was going to come so he could take something at the right time to help (but it would come so suddenly and leave within about 20 minutes for the most part so the medicine couldn't help) and other little things like this are driving me crazy. I always told him and tried to show him daily how much I loved and appreciated him,but did he really know. I always thought so but now I really need to know.

There are some things that are a little easier because work takes my mind off of it, but like you I sit and look at an empty room and night and the tears flow.

Please keep coming to this site and let us know what you are feeling and how you are doing. There are lots of (((((hugs))))) here.

Mary Linda

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Dear Mark, When I have no one else to talk with and no where else to go, I

come here. Sometimes the sadness I feel becomes so overwhelming that I don't think I'll survive and then I wish I wouldn't - but I do and we keep

going somehow - but I, like you, feel devoid of all feelings except sadness;

Rich and I had that special relationship too - we had each other and after

so many years we enjoyed each other, truly enjoyed. We liked doing things

together and I miss him so much. So I know what you mean about going out

to dinner and coming back to nothing; or people thinking you must be doing

ok...you must be screaming on the inside. I know people mean well, but

right now I'm tired of trying to see their point of view; I'm just tired, I guess. Rich knew how it would be for me because he told some nurses and

doctors that he was worried about leaving me ...that I would be all alone.

They told me this and it broke my heart...so when he asked me to promise

that I would try to do the best I could with the time I had left, I promised

that I would try. Your wife must have been truly a special soul - look

how you lived and loved for such a long while - and even in her last moments

she was thinking of you. A chaplain that I wrote to looking for help,

comfort, something...I was so angry at God....wrote back (and I want to

share itwith you) - "Towards the end of your letter you say that, even knowing how much pain you would one day experience, you would still say "yes" to marrying Richard. You recognize that the price we pay for a great love is a great loss. Is there consolation in knowing that your love for Richard - the

way he filled your life, the way you grew up together - has made you bigger,has stretched your soul, and now your ability to love, your ability

to see and embrace and understand this precious life of ours, is greater than it was before? And even though all this space inside you feels empty now,the greatness of your heart will last forever. Richard's legacy to you is love....Love doesn't make sense unless somehow it lasts forever....the souls

of those we love deeply stay close by us a long time after their passing...."

Mark, I hope that somehow her words are consoling you some - even if just a little. Take care, Lily

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I am sorry you lost your wife, that is one of the hardest things in the world to go through. It sounds like you had a wonderful marriage, and I know you miss her very much. There are some wonderful caring people here on this site, many of which are men, who have also gone through that same loss as you. Please feel free to air your feelings, it's healthier than keeping it bottled up, and we're all here for each other. We give you the hope that while it will not be the same again, you will eventually adjust and the intensity of the pain will lessen somewhat and it will become more bearable. As Derek said, one has to develop a new identity or awareness of who they are, and it all takes time. We all make it a day at a time, and together with the others here on this site.

God be with you,


Edited by kayc
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Mark, I am so sorry for your loss. Your Carol sounds like a wonderful lady; in many respects she sounds a lot like my Janet. I just recently found this place myself, and I have received lots of love and support from the folks here. My thoughts are with you.


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