Finding It Hard

[JeanneC]

I am having a very hard time with the loss of my husband as I know all of you are too. I keep going over in my mind the last few days of his life in the hospital. I also picture him not at home but in the hospital for 5 months. I agonize over and over again those last few days. I keep staring into space thinking about it. He was very weak and he also was trying to say something to me. I know he told me he loved me and squeezed my hand real hard, but he was trying to say something else. I don't know if I will ever get past this. I feel like I let him down. Is anyone else having that or had that same experience?

Jeanne

[kayc]

Yes, I think most of us have to some extent or another. My husband and I never got to have that "last talk" as his death was unexpected, and I will always regret that. Sometimes I wonder why God couldn't have just given us a few hours together before He took him home, but as I'll never know the answer to that one, I have to accept it. Please do not be hard on yourself for it though, in retrospect, none of us could have changed anything ultimately and it just happened as it did. He knew you loved him, you knew he loved you...what more is there to say than that?

[JeanneC]

Kay, thank you very much for your help, support and reassurance. I am sorry that you and your husband never got that last talk.

As you say, you have to accept it.

Not given more time, not knowing what was said. All of that is what makes us think so much of what went on in our loved ones minds.

Thank you and God bless,

Jeanne

[Jan Thurman]

That is what haunts me the most that when I walked out the door that day to go to work my husband was fine. I would have never in a million years thought that he would have passed away at 1:20 pm that day. It is very hard after almost 40 years not to get to say goodbye and thank you. But we can't beat ourselves up about it or we will never move on. I guess there was a reason but I have not found it yet. Jan

[kayc]

Jeannie and Jan,

My husband and I were inseperable...because he was away during the week for his job, we reserved our every moment on the weekends for each other, and talked on the phone several times a day during the week. It seems so odd to me that the one weekend a year I go away to my Sisters Reunion, that would be the weekend he'd have two heart attacks and die. I, like you, wish I could have told him thank you for the best years of my life, for being the best husband and stepfather to my children that anyone could have been. I wish I could have told him I would be okay, to relieve his mind as he passed to the other side. I wish I could have told him, "I'll meet you there"...but then, I guess he already knew all that.

[WendyJ]

I too never got to say goodbye, the hospital was going to release Steve as after the first attack that morning at home they could find nothing wrong. He was sitting up in the ER and we were watching tv and talking and holding hands. They then said they would keep him over night just in case. He got up to go to the mens room had another attack which was the blood clot going to his heart and they threw me out of the room and then told me they did all they could and he was gone. I wish I knew as there are so many things I would have said too, mostly "I Love You Babe". (here come the tears)

Love,

Wendy

[Lily]

Jeanne, I know how you must be agonizing, I know I do - I was holding Rich

in my arms when he died and I can't get that out of my head; I think that

no matter what we do at that time, we'll always think we could have done

something more, but, you know what - when I read KayC's post - it really

touched me...she said it so well and true - "he knew you loved him, you

knew he loved you,what more is there to say than that" Keep those words

in your heart Jeanne....Lily

[LarrysGirl]

Jeanne, I know exactly what you are feeling, me too. During the last four days of Larry's life (not knowing that he was going to die) he was very sick and in bed. When I would come into the room, talk to him, feed him, he would not take his eyes off of me. He was able to talk but it was like he could'nt bring himself to tell us that he was going to die. We did not know until after his death, that in fact the doctors had told him there was nothing else they could do for him but myself and his family did not know this. I know he was worried about how I would be able to go on without him. I just wish I'd been able to help him and for him not to have to do that alone. That haunts me and my heart hurts for him. Deborah

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Jeanne,

I have agonized, too. I think of the woulda, coulda, & shoulda. I tried my best, that's all I could do..at that moment in time. Please don't beat yourself Up..or be your own worst enemy..I sense that=in your post.I am my own worst enemy!

Pat & I didn't get the last talk..I fed him the last meal he ate at the hospital

& I'm still ashamed of myself for yelling at him...the 3d time he s*** all over the bathroom floor in 1 day..at home. That was so bad..of me.was not his fault, the medicine..made it uncontrollable.

So I have to forgive myself, for my imperfections..I'm not God, I'm a flawed, imperfect woman...damaged. I know a few things..only. Pat loved me...like Life itself..& I loved him with All my heart.

God Bless

Vickie O'Neil

[MarkCarol]

Jeanne,

I can relate somewhat to what you are experiencing and would like to share something that helps me. It seems that these memories or thoughts just keep popping in my head and there's no way to stop them. I was holding my Wife as she was making her transition and the look that she had during that time confuses me. Her eyes seemed very wide open and a look of wonder. I just can't make out if she was seeing something I couldn't see or what but she seemed like it was peaceful. However, that moment and the hours before just keep popping in my head. When that happens, I try to make a conscious effort to replace that thought with another thought about a trip we took or some other memorable moment. And I mean I really think in detail of those special moments and the way I felt back then.

I also try to turn the tables, so to say. In other words, if I had been the one who had passed and my Wife were still here, I would be so sad knowing that she was thinking more of what she should have done for me rather than thinking about all the happy moments we had. I truly believe my Wife is watching over me and she now understands that I did everything possible.

From what you have said, your husband was very special and he now understands everything. If the tables were turned and it was you that passed, it would probably be difficult for you knowing your husband was in distress thinking that maybe he should have done more for you. I would imagine that your husband would be very happy knowing that you could replace your recent thoughts with one of the many wonderful times you had together.

I hope this can bring you some comfort and relief. It's the only way I can make it through each day.

[JeanneC]

Everyone

I would like to thank everyone for all their comforting thoughts. I have to say it really does help when you let other people know what it going on in your mind. I have found a lot of friends here and I hope that we all heal in time.

May God bless you all.

Jeanne

[kayc]

"if I had been the one who had passed and my Wife were still here, I would be so sad knowing that she was thinking more of what she should have done for me rather than thinking about all the happy moments we had."

That really helps...

Edited August 1, 2008 by kayc