They Don't Get It...

[kath]

For the longest time I felt like most people just don't understand the magnitude of heartache that comes with losing your spouse. I have tried many times to reach out to my family when I hurt the most and I get more and more disappointed. I think they keep trying to cheer me up more than let me talk. For instance, I was flooded with memories after camping near our first home. All I could think of was the hundreds of walks and bike rides we took. The holding hands, the dog run, the bonfires in the backyard...the memories were overflowing. It sent me into another great depression. I called my mom to talk. She told me all the usual stuff like, "Did you see him? He was with you." etc. It made me mad, because the reason I was so sad is that he isn't with me!!!!!!!!

Finally, I talked to a woman who was 'assigned' to me from church through the befriender program. (I'd released her from her befriender duties a while back because I wanted a friend, not a responsibility.) I love this woman. She instantly recognized the importance of the love that results from having time alone together. By her acknowledging that, made all the difference.

Then I realized, my family can't relate. Their marriages ended in divorce instead of death. I know it is still a painful loss, but it is different. I've been missing my grandma more and more through all of this. She died a few years ago, but was a widow for almost my whole life. I know she'd understand. Because she, too, lost her best friend at an early age.

My marriage wasn't perfect. We had 26.5 years together with a short separation in the middle of it so we could each get our act together. Our children came after that, when the reconciliation and trust were renewed. I was floored that the lonliness I felt this time around still went so deep. It's like an all too familiar knife in the stomache. I've been spending more time on this site. If there is one thing I can tell, you all get it. I'm sorry and grateful that you do.

Kath

[dpodesta]

Kath,

You are right those who have gone through a divorce don't fuly understand. While there are similiraties there are a bunch of differences and that is what sets us apart. Only those of us who have experienced death of a loved one can truly understand. You were also right about him not being with you. Heaven is described as a lace where there is no more sadness or pain. If our loved ones were with us then they would be sad to see the pain we are going through without them. I have heard different opinions as far as them being able to see the happy times in our lives. I like to believe however that they can see the happy events that occur. It sounds like you are finding this site very helpful, I am glad that is has been. This site was a lifesaver to me when I first lost my wife. While now that I don't have very many break downs like when first came here (And believe me there were a lot you can look at past posts to see where I came from) I still have a few times here and there where the emotions return. I like to return and try and give back what this site has given me, and for mee that is a life I actually enjoy now. Keep coming and posting and we will be here to help.

Love always

Derek

[MartyT]

Kath, dear ~

Dealing with the insensitivity of others is one of the hardest aspects of mourning, most especially when it is our own family members who just don't get it.

I think you might find these articles helpful ~ and you might even consider printing some of them, to hand out to some of those folks in your circle:

Common Myths, Misconceptions about Grief

Helping Another in Grief

What Is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of Don'ts

Words of Comfort for the Person in Mourning

Words to Avoid When Comforting the Bereaved

What Is a Compassionate Friend?

You Should Be Over "IT"

[fred]

Hi Kath, Of course you and Derek are both right about people that have gone through a divorce not being able to understand our type of loss. What you may not realize is how different the experiences are. Unfortunately, I went through what many would agree was quite extreme, in the way a divorce can occur. At times I wondered if I was going to be able to survive the pain and emotional toil the end of my first marriage caused. There were many similarities with what we are now sharing, but it is the differences that make this loss so much more difficult. Divorce causes or is the result of anger. Anger, followed by thoughts of making the other pay, dealing with lawyers and the settlement processes, creating distance and a new life; it is an active process. There is a focus and direction to it. You know quite well what our experience is, it has a lack of focus and there is no place to even chose a direction from. Our only solace is in the love and comfort we receive from others, especially here. So come here as often as you can. Post and reply when you are able, read when you are not, and know you are loved just for who you are.

[kayc]

Kath,

I'm sorry your family isn't able to relate to you in a way you wish they could. Often it is the very experience that makes us able to comfort others because until we've been there ourselves, we just can't know.

I wish I could give you a hug, that is one of the things I have missed the most about losing George...no one hugs like him.

[kath]

Thank you, everyone.

In all fairness, I love my family and am sure they have tried the best they can. I know I wasn't the supportive person to friends along the way either. We just don't know how to help until we are in this situation.

One thing I noticed from the pages, Marty, is that we get really self-absorbed in our own grief. I can see myself after the funeral with people talking and not hearing anything they said. It was like watching a silent movie. I still relate almost everything that happens these days to what I've gone through.

By telling my story, am I being selfish? I want to be able to offer help and people from my church have asked me to start a grief group there. We totally need one. The only group within 30 miles from here only meets once a month. Everytime I get to where I think I can move forward to help, I get blind-sided by emotion. I tried going to a funeral where I didn't really know the person that died, but knew that while she was suffering from cancer, she sent a meal to my family. I was blown away by her kindness and hoped to show some support for her family. The ages of her children were very close to mine and I cried uncontrollably through all of it. Not much help there, I guess.

[shhh65]

Kath

You are not being selfish by telling your story. That is one thing I have learned on this journey. Especially at first you need to keep retelling it. I think for me it was absolutely necessary because I was in shock and disbelief. My husband died suddenly in our back yard on December 22nd. He had just been to the doctor 11 days prior and had gotten "a clean bill of health." After 9 plus months, I still sometimes think I will wake up and it will have been a terrible nightmare, but of course that doesn't happen and I start telling the story over again in my mind. Tell your story as many times as you need to especially here. This group is a wonderful support system.

Sherry

[kayc]

Kath,

I went through all of the materials to lead a grief support group, but it was so fresh and I was so overwhelmed by my own grief, I tabled it and never did get back to it. It would be a wonderful thing to so when you are ready. Groups vary so much, so I doubt any two are the same. I had materials to actually lead people through with a set number of weeks for the "lessons", but even just getting together with others and being supportive of one another and talking about what you're all going through would be of help. People need to know that what they are experiencing is normal and they need hope that it won't always remain this bad/intense, but to expect "grief bursts" from time to time, even after years have gone by!

You are not selfish at all for talking about your situation! Please keep coming back here, we need each other.

KayC

[fred]

Hi Kath, Your comments about leading a grief group struck a note with me as well. After having received so much support, compassion and love from all of these wonderful people for so long, I have looked for opportunities to give back in the same way. Unfortunately, each new visitor still causes me to remember my own loss and how I came to be here. Even at twenty-one months I am unsure whether I would be able to lead such a group regardless of the need for one. I still have moments and days which remind me that I am not healed yet, maybe I will never be. Such is life. What I am capable of is reaching out to each new soul thrust into our midst, to offer my own help in whatever ways are needed. For now that will have to be enough for me. Maybe you are stronger or more capable. If so, then by all means jump in; but be aware that grief has its own agenda. Just because I am okay today, doesn´t mean tomorrow won´t be a disaster. Best of luck in whatever you decide. Oh, and in no way are you being selfish telling your own story. There are so many ways that one can end up here and each person´s journey will be as individual as they are. Sharing always helps! It is good to know that we are not alone.

[kath]

Sorry it's taken a few days to respond to your great input. I don't feel I have the energy to lead a grief group, but for some reason, maybe it's from living in a small town and being relatively young or having younger friends that are being exposed to grief and loss, people have been coming to me for advice on each new death in this area. Maybe some day I will be at a better place and more able to help. I still feel too fragile, my wounds too fresh.

I've decided instead to put together a list of resources for our parish to distribute after a funeral. I'm going to ask someone else to help recruit volunteers to help answer tax questions, attorney questions, be on call for daycare assistance, or even minor repairs. My church is great with the Hotdish Helpline, but simple soups would have made more sense for my family. (Don't tell, but we gave more things away than what we could eat.) I will also include a list of available resources and books that I know of. If you have suggestions on what to add, please let me know. Looking back, it was hard to know even where to start. What I learned, I learned on my own. It's nice having all of you to share your hard-earned wisdom.

[MartyT]

Kath, dear, that sounds like a wonderful idea! As you put together your resources, please take some time to explore all the pages of my Grief Healing Web site ~ I've spent several years gathering and categorizing links to all sorts of resources that are listed there, and I'm sure many of them will be helpful to the people you're wanting to serve. (The Site Map page probably would be the best place to start.) In any event, I applaud you for your efforts, and I wish you all the best!

[kath]

Oh, Marty,

You have such a wealth of helpful information on this site. If it is okay, I would like to include your web address on our resource list. If I would have known about this site sixteen months ago, I wouldn't have had to endure so much pain alone. People need to know you're here and I want to get that word out. As a matter of fact, I had sent a link to a friend so she could listen to a song I felt very moved by. She lived in Phoenix for a while and commented that Hospice of the Valley is very well respected in that community. She was glad I had found you. I couldn't agree more.