More Abandoned Friends

[kath]

My sister left yesterday. I know there are several posts about friends that haven't kept in touch and how hard that is. Well, a lot of my husbands friends have talked to my sister to find out how I am, but in the last sixteen and a half months, have never asked me. One even mentioned how deeply in love my husband was with me. I know. The feeling was mutual. I don't feel comforted having people ask about me to someone that really never asks herself. So, I'm down and am hoping to get through another bout of sadness.

My sister's visit was not to check on me, by the way. She is dealing with a difficult divorce and just completed a "Beginning Experience" weekend. I went through it six months ago. I lovingly referred to it as "Grief Boot Camp" because it was a very intense start to healing from the loss of a spouse due to death or divorce. So, maybe what I'm feeling is just a resurgence of the emotions I dealt with when I went through the weekend. I don't think it had the same affect on us as our experiences were so different.

Today is hard. I wish more than ever that Bob was here. I miss the conversations, his smile, the hugs, the shared dreams. He was my partner and very best friend. We were supposed to grow old together and rock on the porch and watch the grass grow. Me and him. It's no fun alone.

Kath

[kayc]

Oh Kath, I know...George and I talked about growing old together on the porch swing...he even bought the porch swing and stuck it out on our back patio. Sometimes I sit out there by myself to feel his presence...

It's not fair, is it!

[Jan Thurman]

No it is not fair to any of us. I did not think that I would be widowed at 61 but here I am wondering what is going to happen. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take it one day at a time. The one thing that I just can't get over is his brother and his wife (my best bud) as we were always known as have only visited me once for 10 minutes in almost 8 months since my husband died. Never call me, have never asked me over for dinner or out to dinner. Have never asked me is there anything that you need help with (as I live on 1-1/2 acres)- nothing. They only live 15 minutes away. I know I keep asking this same question over and over again. We were very close when my husband was alive so what's the problem. I know when I ask this I do get alot of reponses saying that I am not the only one but for some reason I still don't get it. I really don't think that I would act this way if the shoe was on the other foot. Also, has anyone read (I think this is the title) You're Late Again Lord. I have been told that I need to read this book. Any thoughts? Thanks. Jan

[kayc]

Jan,

I am sorry for your experience with his brother & wife...I don't think I'd be that way either, but then I tend to be a pretty empathetic friend. I have a friend whose husband recently passed away and she handles it differently than me and she's even excluded me somewhat since her husband's passing...she is throwing herself into dinner parties and trying to bury her feelings...I, on the other hand, prefer to get it out rather than bury it. She is tending to focus on single guys and couples and I don't fit that mold. If I could figure out people, I'd have it made.

I haven't read that book but it sounds interesting. I am starting a Bible Study by Andy Stanley "Knowing the Will of God" and it's good...anything to help us with acceptance...

Here is a link that tells about the book you refer to:

http://www.karongoodman.com/lateagain.html

Edited October 14, 2008 by kayc

[MartyT]

Jan, dear,

It seems to me that the only two people who can provide you with the answer you're seeking are your brother-in-law and his wife. We all can speculate about what is keeping them away from you, but the only ones who really know what could be going on here are the people directly involved in this situation. If your sister-in-law was close enough to you that you considered her to be your "best bud," wouldn't she be willing to meet with you so you could have a heart-to-heart talk with her about all of this? The only way you'll find out for sure what is going on with either of these folks is to ask. I wonder what would happen if you asked to get together with one or both of them, so you could talk about this with them?

I'm also intrigued with the title of the book that was recommended to you; I checked it out on Amazon and decided to order a copy. If you like, you can read what others think of the book here: You're Late Again, Lord: The Impatient Woman's Guide to God's Timing

[MikeC]

Kath,

Your words really resonate with me. My wife died in June and initially a good number of people checked in regularly to see how I was doing. That number has dwindled to about 3. One of those lives about 20 minutes from me; the other 2 hundreds of miles away. I'm starting to tolerate being alone a little bit better, but I hate the thought of spending the rest of my life like this. I am especially dreading the approaching holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas/New Years. These were special, joyful seasons when Janet was with me, but now I wish I could somehow avoid them. Sorry I don't have any words to cheer you up, but just know you have people here who understand your hurt.

Mike

[kath]

Thank you for listening. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. I'm not the light-hearted, carefree person I used to be. I ache and I don't get involved in the pettiness of everyday life.

Mike, you mentioned holidays. Last year everything changed. At Easter I couldn't remember what I had done with the plastic eggs the year before as it was shortly after Bob died and I was out of it. Traditionally I would have hidden tons of them with candy and coins. Out of desparation, I hid only the real ones we had colored, then had to "fess up" to my kids that it was me that messed up, not the Easter Bunny. They then realized that Santa and the Tooth Fairy were no longer real either. Death changes things. We started what I hope are new traditions.

For Christmas, I couldn't bear the thought of not hanging Bob's stocking, so we used it as his mail bag. When we thought of him, we'd write a note or a letter and put it in the stocking. On Christmas day we had a bonfire and burned the letters, so the smoke would carry our words to him. It was nice. And a bonfire is something he really enjoyed, so it fit. The large gatherings don't feel the same, but finding new personal ways to stay in touch remind me of the love we shared. It feels right.

Take care,

Kath

Edited October 17, 2008 by kath

[kayc]

Kath,

That's similar to what I did...I hung George's stocking and each of us wrote something down that we remembered about him and put it in it and on Christmas we read them aloud.