Headstone

[JandE905]

I am so upset. I am having a extremely hard day today. So many things are going wrong. The headstone was not at the cemetery for Eric's 35th birthday this past Saturday. It crushed me. I don't even want to call to see when it will be in place because all I wanted was for it to be in place for his birthday. My daughter is failing in school and won't talk to anyone at all. I can't take anything anymore. Everything is just falling apart and I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost in this world!

[fred]

Jenn, First, let me say how sorry I am that you are here. Your arrival was very upsetting to me; you and Eric should be off picking out curtains or planning your next vacation or something, it just isn´t right that you should be here at all. Unfortunately, however, you are here. We all are and there isn`t anything any of us can do to change what has happened. Having said that, we now know that we have to deal with this one minute, one second at a time. It is all we can do now.

Okay, don´t fret over the headstone. These kinds of things will eat at us if we allow them to. If there is nothing that you can do to change what is or isn`t happening, then let it go for now. This difficulty will be there when you are ready to deal with it. If you don`t want to do something right now, then you shouldn`t. This is a very difficult lesson to learn, but is essential for your peace of mind.

Your daughter is another matter. Teenagers can be just plain horrible to deal with under the best of circumstances. They are naturally moody, uncommunicative at times and willfully negative at others. Is she normally a good student? Maybe failing is her way of showing she is upset, or maybe since losing her Dad, she just doesn`t care about school right now. Try to focus on her, not the schoolwork. I know she does not want to talk, but will she listen to how you are feeling? Can you share some of the pain you have so she knows she isn´t the only one hurting?

For the present time, just work at taking care of yourself, doing what you need to get accomplished. Give yourself time to work through this, it won`t change overnight, but it will change. You will get through it. ((Hugs)) and prayers for you and your daughter.

[mlg]

Jenn, I can understand some of your pain. Tom's headstone too, did not make it for his birthday on the 8th. Two months ago they told me it was on a boat from India (when I ordered it I didn't realize it would be made a world away). I must be a slower boat than one from China. I think I could swim over there in this amount of time. Like my daughter said, he wouldn't want me to be upset because it will be there for a very long time and I wanted it to be special for him.

If your daughter was a good student before it may be that like us she is having trouble focusing right now. I hate that she has gotten this far down. Do you know anyone else that has a daughter her age that has lost a parent? Maybe they could help her if so. If not try taking her in a room and just sit there with her. If she'll let you, hold her tight. Maybe this will make her open up and you can have a good cry together.

I still feel you are doing better than you realize but your gut is going to hurt for a long time.

((((((HUGS)))))))

[kath]

Jenn,

It felt like I had to wait forever for Bob's headstone and it was due the week of our anniversary. It didn't make it. I was upset because it felt like the last gift I could possibly give him. I was wrong. Being here and carrying on in a way he would expect, is the gift I continually give him. I hated that I have to raise our children alone. If it weren't for all the years I had with Bob, I wouldn't even know how to do that. In everything, I try to think how he would handle it. It makes me push harder to carry that out. So, even without him here, it is a cooperative effort.

If your daughter was having trouble in school before, it is normal that it gets more pronounced as she deals with her grief. My son had a lot of trouble the first year, too. I thought I'd have to call in a retired sargeant to help me with some of the discipline problems. He's doing much better. I didn't get calls or concerns from his teachers, so I had to take the steps to contact school counselors. They weren't much help either. I set out to find an experienced grief counselor for us as a family but I didn't have to pursue it. We just have been sorting things out amongst ourselves. By my healing, it has had a positive impact on the kids. Everything takes time. It is hard to ignore the flags in our children. Only you can know when it is time to call in a professional. What do her teachers say? My son managed just fine in school, but attendance and his homework suffered. He didn't care. Time, for him, has made all the difference.

I really understand your frustration, Jenn. It was so hard trying to meet everyone's needs that first year. It does get better. Please hang in there.

Prayers,

Kath

[singledad2]

Jenn,

It is truly heartbreaking to hear about your situation. There are many things in life that we absolutely hate having to deal with, but most of those things don't occur at the same time. You are being tested down to your core right now. You may think that you can't take it any more, but that is exactly what you are doing. You have been dealt a hand that no one should have to handle. No one can give you the precise answer that will comfort you and lead you out of this turmoil. We can only offer suggestions that we've tried over time and hope that they, or a combination of suggestions will provide you with the comfort you deserve. On top of dealing with losing Julie, my 18 year-old daughter really struggled with school this past spring. I have had her in counseling since April, and she seems to be doing much better. Trust me, it wasn't an instantaneous fix. I too have recently had major issues with my 17 year-old son. He is refusing to go to counseling, and he too is failing a number of classes, though this is far from his history. Saturday night, we had a major blow up and I think he expected me to get really angry and tell him to leave. Instead, I told him that I refused to give up on him and I let him vent for quite some time. I just told him over and over that I loved him and would never give up on him. I sat in his room until 3:00 am when he fell asleep. I simply did not want him to think that I was angry and walked out on him. I'm sure you know how irrational teenagers can be--even without the grief of losing a parent. Life is full of 'extremes' for them in 'normal times.' We all know the feeling of losing a spouse can be utterly devastating. What I cannot imagine is how I would have felt if I lost a parent during my teen years. It would have been beyond devastating. Just try to be there for her--even when she tells you to get lost. She doesn't mean it. She's hurting, just as you are. The bond between a mother and daughter may be strained at times, but it will forever be one of the strongest 'glues' that was ever created. Just keep this in mind and be there for her when she is ready. You both need each other like never before. It may not seem like it right now, but she is counting on you, and you are counting on her. Hang in there and feed off of the little tidbits of positive emotion that she tosses you. Just know that there will be more to come in the future.

SD2

Edited November 19, 2008 by singledad2

[kayc]

Jenn,

I'm sorry for all you are going through. The headstone you can't change the situation, but your daughter, maybe you can get some help. Has she talked to a school counselor? It seems to me that the school should be able to initiate something to make her talk with someone if she is failing. It shows she is upset and possibly having a hard time with focus, or maybe school doesn't seem important to her right now in light of what's happened. Maybe a visit with your doctor too? She may be dealing with depression.

There's others here that have gone through this with kids so I'm hoping one of their responses will be able to help you. Know that you will get through all of this, I know it can seem overwhelming and hard to just get through the day, but you will make it, I promise. Hang in there, we care about you and are rooting for you.

[Corinne]

Jenn,

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to go through loss and have to take care of and help your children also get through it. When John died my older daughter was 7 and she kind of understood that her Dad was gone and not coming back. She would get sad and cry and then go on. My younger daughter was 6 and she was her Daddy's girl, she spent all her time with him. She did not really understand and I had to help her deal with a lot of anger. It will be 2 yrs. in February and we are healing. I found that I had to spend a lot of time with her telling her that I loved her, I also found that as I healed she also healed. She still has some issues that we deal with. She is afraid of something happening to me and afraid when I am late, but we are dealing with that. It is a long slow process. It all takes time so please do not be so hard on yourself. You are doing an awesome job. You have gotten your license, you get up in the morning, you are concerned about the welfare of your children, you are progressing, remember at this point all you can take are baby steps and I think you are doing wonderfully. Your daughter is going through a lot right now, 13 is a hard age, my suggestion is to give her a hug every day even is she ignores you or tells you to leave her alone. She is very angry right now, but as she heals and sees you heal she will remember you were there all along hugging her and loving her. You may want to try to talk to the school counselors and see if they have any suggestions. You ARE doing a great job even though it does not feel like it, hang in there!

Hugs,

Corinne

[MikeC]

Jenn,

You and your daughter have been so suddenly and unexpectedly thrust into a horrible situation - I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now. I know you must be terribly disappointed about the headstone, but that will pass.

I am sure that your relationship with your daughter will improve, too, although it may take some time. My sons are both grown now and have certainly been a comfort to me in the aftermath of their mom's death last summer. We have a great relationship now, but it hasn't always been that way. We had some pretty shaky times during the teen years. It really hurt me to overhear my younger son tell his mother "I hate him!" (I was "him"). I just had to ride it out, and as the boys matured our relationship got back on solid ground.

The only advice I have to offer is to give your daughter all the love you can and be patient with her. The teen years are difficult to get through - for the parent and the child - under the best of situations; losing Eric just made it so much harder. I wish you both strength and peace as you work through this.

Mike