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It's Hard To Be Mom And Dad


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Tonight, I helped my son finish his pinewood derby car for his race on Saturday. This was Bob's department. He'd spend hours "tweaking" so it went as fast as possible. I'd stay by his side, so I knew a lot of his tricks, but it's hard to do it alone. Meanwhile, the kitchen mess piles up and laundry needs to be done and my daughter is crying because it's 10 p.m. and she needs help with her homework. I thought today would be an easy day. School cancelled and my office was closed because it was 30 below zero. (Tomorrow will warm up to 15 degrees.) No one is happy with the amount of time I am able to give them and I know I need time for me, but when? In 7 years when they are off to college?

I have nothing to complain about, because my kids are healthy, but when I looked down and see my son's toe sticking out of his worn out tennis shoes, I know I am not able to keep up. These calls to action usually send me to the couch. I feel wiped out. Just making arrangements for sitters and chasing to activities is too much for one person. Add meals and shopping, off to the hardware store for spray paint and I don't have the strength to lift salt for the water softener. How do you do it?

I live in a small town and I drive by the cemetary several times a day and each time I look over and lately I get a little angry that Bob is not here to help me with all this. He was supposed to be here. We planned on it. We wanted our kids to have two parents who loved each other because neither of us had that luxury growing up. I gusess I just want to say, Happy Belated birthday, honey. I wish you were here.

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((((Kath)))),

I know exactly what you are talking about. It is very hard being both parents. Most of the time my dinner dishes do not get done after dinner, they sit until the next morning because we have to do homework and get ready for bed. My house is usually cluttered until the weekend and then I try to find it. I have decided that I give my girls the time they need in the evening and if the dishes do not get done and house is messy, too bad. Life is too short and they are only young once so I put them first. I look at the rest this way, if someone comes to my house and does not like the mess they are welcome to clean it and I will not be insulted. I hate having to go shopping or to the grocery store because my older daughter hates to go and whines the whole time. My younger daughter would shop 24/7. Yesterday I was ready to pull out of the driveway and the girls told me they were out of money in their lunch accounts(I usually check on the weekend but forgot) so I had to get out of the car run back in the house and go online to add money for their lunches. As for finding time for myself, I still have not figured that one out. Usually when both of the girls are at play dates I try to get my shopping errands done. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in that overwhelmed feeling.

Love and Hugs, :wub:

Corinne

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Kath,

I know exactly where you are coming from on that one. I can't find pants that are short enough that fit his waist. I had to buy myself a sewing machine and teach myself how to hem these pants. The house work tends to pile up and so forth. We weren't designed to be both parents to our children and it is very difficult. I have a lady at my church that has adopted me as her son and that helps a bunch. She will come in and help me get stuff cleaned in the house and so forth. I can talk to her about a lot of things as well as she lost her son many years ago and he would be about 4 years older than me right now. So she understands loss and the things you go through. I think it is a little easier to find a woman figure to help than it is a man so I don't know if this will help you much other than to say that I am right there with you and understand those feelings and frustrations in trying to fulfill both parental roles.

Love always

Derek

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I can understand what you are all saying and my heart goes out to all of you, my daughters are older but I still have problems also, just not to the extent of the rest of you. My older daughter is still having a very hard time in accepting that her Dad is gone, she is a very emotional girl, hmmm I wonder who she gets that from? My younger daughter that still lives with me seems to be holding in her anger and sadness from losing her Dad and as Derek and Fred know she will at times take it out on me and cause me major grief. Steve passed 5 months after my older Daughter Amy got married so he was able to walk her down the isle. My younger daughter Melissa is now engaged and even though there is not a set date she tells me how unfair it will be to not have her Dad to walk her down the isle and it breaks my heart. I think at times we get wrapped so up in our own grief that we tend to forget how much this is hurting them too. I never knew my real father so my Grandfather was my father figure, he passed young like Steve in his early 50's when I was 15 yrs old and I still miss him terribly and not a day goes by that I do not think of him.

Love Always,

Wendy :wub:

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Wow, I can only say I thought I had it hard trying to keep up with the place by myself (tree limbs down, etc.)...I can't imagine being "both parents" to a child! I have my hands full doing that with adult children and a granddog I have to come home and clean up after. My hats off to you single parents, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job, more power to you! (((hugs!)))

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Thanks for all your understanding. Derek, I have to hem all of our pants because we are just too short for our midriffs!

I love waking up in the morning because it's like getting a new start, another chance to get it right...At 5 a.m I saw school was going to be a couple hours late. My daughter agreed to get herself off to the bus, so I just needed to bring Mike to school. (He's in a before and after school program there.) When we arrived, there was a big sign stating school was closed again today and you needed a lunch to stay. I'm on my way to work, so I had him take my lunch, called my daughter and arranged for her to spend the day with a neighbor and made it to work on time. I got everyone rounded up and went to sign papers for Girl Scout cookie sales and the car weigh in. After an hour of trying to knock 2/10ths of an ounce off the weight of his car, we were off to dinner (my first meal of the day) and back home. Tomorrow I teach religious ed and have to scramble between breaks to get Mike to the race and me back to class. I don't even know if I'll get to see him race.

I think that is the hardest part, not being able to be in two places at the same time. Every day is like choreographing a new dance...my new normal. I used to do a happy dance on Fridays. Now, it's just one huge sigh!

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I know it was a previous thread, but I don't think Bob could have done all this. He would have excelled at the organization, but all the day to day stuff would have sunk him. I was watching a bit of "Bruce Almighty" with the kids the other night and there was a conversation with God about wanting to see miracles. He responded, "The single mom that works two jobs and still finds time to get her child to soccer practice, now that's a miracle." I'm glad Derek, you have learned to sew, I myself can use a dremel tool!

Corrine, I hear you, too! When Bob first died, and I was dealing with this alone, there was no one else I know personally that has gone through this, so no one I could talk to about the issues. I love my children, and I feel entirely blessed to have them, but it is work. And after you add grief to the mix, it's doubly difficult. It wasn't easy with both of us working together, but we could at least brainstorm new approaches. I just hope I'm not messing it up too bad.

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Guest moparlicious

Kath,

I can relate to this so much. When Dan died I was 40 years old and I have 3 children to take care of, all live with me.Although they are older 2 out of the 3 have many aliments which require lots of dr visits. It is the hardest thing to do, being a widow and single parent is something I never thought I would ever have to do. I miss Dan being here to go the Dr.'s with our children. He will miss high school graduation, marriages, birthdays, Christmases, Thanksgivings, weddings and so much more. I know he is always in our hearts, but I miss him being here with us.Hats off to us who have been given no other choice but to do. Kim

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Kim,

You are my hero, being able to do all you do and still find it in your heart to reach out to others who are less fortunate. I continue to lift your children in my daily prayer. I agree we do whatever it takes and some days it is on autopilot. It takes some creativity to keep our loved ones in our holiday traditions, but it helps to be able to remind the kids how much he meant to us and vice-versa. I was driving to work the other day and it hit me that Caitlin won't have her dad to walk her down the aisle and I started crying. It's best if I don't look past the hour. I hope I'll be stronger by then. (I have at least 10 years to get used to the idea.) Wendy, you'll have to let us know how it goes for your daughter. These are sometimes my biggest worries...how will the kids be after going through this? I know I will be okay, I have faith and maturity and 27 years of memories to fall back on. But they are so young. Will they be bitter and angry because of it? It would help to get some input from other children who have lost their parents at a young age. What did their surviving mom or dad do that helped them the most? They have one set of granparents, but they are not involved in their day-to day lives.

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Guest moparlicious

Kath,

Awwww thank you for your kindness. I am sorry we all have to go through this pain and heartache, I am grateful we all have each other. Without each and everyone of you I would not be able to function or have anyone understand so much!!!! I truly and deeply love everyone of you and pray for peace and comfort for us all. Love, Kim

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Sure, Marty. I never thought to do that, even though I'm often reading the posts there just to get a perspective on what it is like for them. Kath

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