karenb Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Hi friends, It's me, Karen. I always watch everything going on, but I haven't posted for a while. Jack died 3 1/2 years ago. I've really tried and feel I've come a long way, with my church, you guys, my volunteering, my exercise group and then last October my friends said I should try looking online for someone like me, or sort of - of course with all the precautions. I have talked with someone for, by the time I actually see him, for 5 months. I don't think it's not right, but he has the same type of personality of my Jack, nice, retired military, 25 years active in the Boy Scouts, goes to church. Believes that my taking "baby steps" is a good thing and respects that. My thing is I feel guilty about putting Jack's pictures away....I really do. I need your advice about that, my friends. Thanks, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Hi Karenb,I think if you still feel guilty than try putting the picture somewhere special to you and somewhere that no one else can see but you... I hope this helps Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Karen,Do you have to put them all away? Maybe you could leave a family portrait or one special one still out. If he is okay with baby steps, he'll understand.Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted January 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Starkiss, I love that name so much, and Kath....I'm going to do it carefully....it's so hard....I have lumps in my throat.....I will always love him, but I need to move on, and this "gentleman" would probably understand....I do have to go carefully....your advise helps. Thanls.Love, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Dear Karenb,You are most welcome I am glad I could sort of help.... You have been a good friend to me since I have been here... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted January 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Love you, girl.....please take care. Seems like I've known you a long time. Love you.Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I agree with Kath, do you have to put them away? Is your house like a shrine to him or just pictures that normal people would have around. At this point you don't really owe 'baby steps" anything. I don't feel you should change yourself just to impress someone. If you can't let him know who you are then maybe it's not worth it. Apparently he knows how you feel and I wouldn't shove Jack down his throat, but unless it is a shrine I would just leave things alone for right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted January 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Mary Linda....No, it's not a shrine, we're together here, there, and everywhere. I'm going to be careful. Jack is the biggest one in my heart and always will be whether I look at him or not. I'm going to ask direction from Jack and God, too. I have to open my mind and heart. You know, in talking about this except for the one in fron of his flag.....I don't know....I sure have to dwell on this one. Thanks, so much, my friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Hi Karenb,I have been thinking about your post and I think what you should do is what feels right to you... I know that others might say differently but you are the one who lives in the house and he was the special one to you... I think others will respect you and will deal with what is what... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted January 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Bless you heart, Starkiss - love you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Dearest Karenb,I hope all of my posts have helped you come up with a solution or atleast some help... I love you too. Starkiss (shelley) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusky Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 KarenB,You and I have been on this same time line - I also lost my Jack nearly 3 and a half years ago. I am currently pursuing another relationship and I would not think of putting Jacks picture(s) away. For me Jack will always be part of who I am. I refuse to be with anyone who does not understand that I have a past - and the past comes with pictures. I also have two copies of the book I wrote as a legacy to Jack displayed in my home - one is on a special shelf in my office, which is the same place where I keep Jack's ashes. The second copy simply sits on my nightstand next to where I sleep. Pictures of Jack and the words I wrote as a legacy to Jack are important to me. I refuse to hide the pictures or the words - and both are on display in my home. Anyone who truly cares about me understands the importance of these images to me. Pictures are your memories. Two quotes come to mind - the first is from Oscar Wilde who said, "Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us." The second is from James E. Barrie who said, "God gave us memories that we might have roses in December." I say your pictures are your memories and display them - to warm your heart and the heart of all around you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenb Posted January 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Dusky....I will do what you say.....there's tears dropping on the keyboard....it's so hard to move on....l ove Jack...whoever comes as a friend, or as a better friend must understand th monumental love I carry in my heart....i must love others as friends and whatever....we're meant to not be alone....we need to care...give love....we're told that...thank you, my friend.....Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeann Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 I can't even look at pictures of my folks without hurting real bad yet so .. I don't know.. but I automatically am thinking you all are doing better than I. I have NO pics up save of our children and one family shot. Maybe it's different because it was your spouses you lost. That I don't know.But I must tell you I have felt guilt over NOT being able to put pics out.. but.. I just can't. And I don't even want to. I wonder if this is bad?? I have struggled over this.. which I know sounds silly. But I have struggled.We moved into this house about 6 mos after my Dad passed and I couldn't put up any pics.... just the ones I mentioned. And before I knew it.. my Mom passed and still ..no pics up and..no desire to put them up. I just hope how I live my life is enough to honor them.. I just can't look at their pics too much yet. I definitely can't do it everyday. And I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to.leeann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corinne Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Karen my firend,It is good to hear from you. In my opinion you do what YOU feel is right about the pictures but I want to let you know my experience. After Jimmy died and I met John, I had to put all of Jimmy's pictures away and was not able to talk about Jimmy because John was jealous, Jimmy was still in my thoughts every day. Needless to say I should have taken that as a hint when that relationship started. I will never again get involved with anyone that cannot accept my forever love with Jimmy and if I want to talk about him or have pictures out I will because as Dusky said pictures are your memories and Jimmy will always be a part of me.Love & Hugs, Corinne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 leeannI think we each have to do what we can handle. The pictures of Tom that were on the wall are still there, but I cannot go through pictures without having major breakdowns and sobbing uncontrollably. I hope someday to be able to do that.KarenI agree with Shelley that you have to do what feels RIGHT for you. If you feel you should take them down then it's OK but if you are upset about it then maybe it's not. Like I said before this is your first face to face meeting with this man and he has to accept you for who you are. Emailing and talking on the phone can hide lots of things that face to face won't. It's not like you are going to marry him tomorrow and if the relationship grows you will know what and when to do with the pictures. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusky Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Just one more thought,Each of you are very special to me. Even though I have made progress to heal after Jacks death I do not intend on ever giving any of YOU up or exiting this site permanently. It will take me a lifetime to just attempt to heal from Jacks loss. I may occasionally drift away from commenting on this site at times - but I will not leave you. I feel connected to you - I feel connected to Jack. If I had pictures of each of you they would also be displayed in my home - each of you are now part of my past - and my present - and my future. If one of you died and I had your picture in my home - that would not mean I would have to remove it and hide it from others. Theoretically speaking the only difference between a picture of you in my home and Jack would be that he was my mate and you are my friend. The question is - Why would any one expect that I remove anyones picture from my hone? The answer lies in what we believe another person expects from us. Anyone worthy of your love will not ask you to remove anyones picture and will want to know ALL of you. If that is not the case any new relationship will be based on quicksand - and cannot stand the test of time. My pictures would remain - all of them - including Jacks - and yours - if I had one to display. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gail_R Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Dear Karen..I too have been seeing a gemtleman for about a month now..I also meant him online ..he has been to my home and seen all the pictures of Bruce and me...our family pictures and he is fine with it..well and if he is not then he is not the man for me..as Bruce will always be a very important part of my life...without him there would be NO kids and No grandkids...so if this man wants to be with you then he will need to understand that Jack was a very important part of your life...without him you would not be who you are today....Gail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlg Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 John (Dusky)What a nice thing you said about all of us, but it is true for most of us anyway. We have become family which just shows it is not the physicality of a person it is our heart which makes us family. You may want to enlarge your mantle because you may be getting a lot of pictures.(just kidding) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 19, 2009 Report Share Posted January 19, 2009 Hi All,It is true I believe that I have felt more like family with all of you than with my real family...I find I can come here and just say what is bothering me and no one judges me like my real family does... I hope others feel the same way and that one day we can all meet even if it is in heaven...I still have not got pictures out of my parents and it has been almost four years since they have been got... I find it very hard to see them because it just brings all of the sadness back to me... Take care Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 I think it depends on what the picture evokes for you and your own personal feelings about it. When George first passed away, I had what equated to a shrine of him in my bedroom. I'd spent 17 hours copying pictures and making a giant collage of them, and it was in my room. I had pictures up all over the house. When John and I married he said it felt uncomfortable for him to have so many so I removed some of them. Since John is no longer a part of my life, I have put some of the pictures back up on the walls. I find that the grieving process has evolved for me, whereas once I felt extreme pain and loss when I looked at George's picture, now I find such comfort and strength from thinking about him. The time frame is going to be different for everyone, as is the experience. My kids and I are happy to see his picture back up on our living room wall again, and I doubt I'll ever take it down again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted January 22, 2009 Report Share Posted January 22, 2009 Hi All,Before my parents died my mom and dad got family pictures done while at my 40th birthday party and before that faith trip to Las Vegas she gave each of us one blown up. It was a gift from them and I really did not think of it much till now what it meant for mom to have everyone there in one house at the same time... It was the last time we were all in the same house at the same time... I have the picture on my wall and I look at it everyday and see what a great smile both my parents had on their faces at the time... I will never put this picture away and I also have a picture of the whole family except mom and dad on our last Thanksgiving Day dinner at my parents place before we sold it... It was a tribute to their memory that we had done this one last time... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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