Nearly A Year

[Bdzack]

Hi

I have just recently found your site and have been reading for a few days. I am so glad I found you. My husband has been gone nearly a year.

Here is a little about me. On 2/11/2008, my husband got up and made me coffee, we ate and talked. He then got his stuff in the truck to leave for work. He came back in and stopped and gave me a hug and kiss good-bye and told me he loved me. He went out to his truck to leave for work. I went on getting ready for work and left the house about 20 minutes later. When I went outside the truck was still here, and he was just sitting there. I went over to the truck and got no response from him...he looked like he was sleeping. I ran back in to get the truck keys as the passenger door was locked. I hollered at my son to call 911. I got in the truck, but realized he was gone.

The paramedics said it was probably over in seconds. He had gotten the keys in the ignition, but the truck was not even started. He had onstar in the truck (our only vehicle so equipped) and he was not even able to push a button to notify them. A massive heart attack...gone. My world changed forever that day. We had been together nearly 13 years, our kids were all adults and it was now our time.... I am so glad he took the time that morning for a real kiss and hug good-bye, I just didn't know it was our last. I wonder if he knew it ????

I miss him so very much! I am an only child, I my father passed away when I was 10 and my mother passed away 5 years ago. This was to be our time to enjoy life and grow old together...our kids were now raised. He was only 54 years old, no prior heart problems, he did have high blood pressure but that was thought to be under control. Thankfully I have my kids, but they also have their own lives.

I am trying to get used to my new "normal" I don't like it. I work so that keeps me busy during the day, but I fall apart many nights and especially on the weekends.

I recently read the site about Memory Bears, and I wanted to share with all of you a good idea I was given. I had a voice message saved on my phone from him. About a year before his passing I traveled out of town (back East) and he called me in the morning to say good morning and that he loved me. Due to the time difference he left the message on my cell phone voice mail. For some reason I never deleted it. I am so glad I didn't. I went to the Build a Bear shop and went into a booth and played the voice message from him and recorded it on a device that goes into the bear. I love it! I have the bear in my room and when I push the paws (half the message on each paw) I hear him tell me good morning, to have a good day and that he loves me.

I am so thankful to still be able to play that message from him, oh how I wish he was still here to tell me and for me to tell him back. But that message is priceless. I wanted to share that with all of you. If you have a recording of your loved ones voice, when you make your memory bears get one of those recording devices from build a bear and put it in your bear. Whether it is a song, or voice message to be able to hear their voice again.... Until later....Bdzack

[jackietnd1]

Hi Bdzack,

I am sorry for your loss, and happy you found this site, I am sure you will find care and love here.My husband passed almost one year ago also on March 21, 2008 so one year is coming fast. I want to make a bear and have be unable to find a place to do it, build a bear may be the place, however I am not sure if they will us my material I have it is worth a try.

Thanks for that information. I do not have a recording, the bear would be just great for me so I will look into that.

Again I am happy you found us here. I have found this site very helpful for me. I come here alot at night due to the fact that I am unable to sleep most nights. I loss my bloved husband in March of 2008 and then my mother in Noverber 2008.

You are not alone I pray you find some comfort here as I have. I thank you for the information about your bear.Please here and share your feeling with us often. May God continue to Bless and Keep you. Your friend always.

Keeping the Faith

Jackie and again welcome.

[Gail_R]

Hi Bdzack..Im so sorry for you loss but you have come to the right place everyone is very loving and we have all gone throught this ..as I read your post it reminded of mine...my husband died the sameway and like your husband mine also gave me a kiss and that was the last thing he did...and then he was gone and he was 53 and also no heart problems..and it was 2 years yesterday that he died...anyways like i said you have come to the right place..come post ..read...cry ...scream ..what ever you need and know that we will be here for you...take care of yourself.....Gail

[kayc]

I am sorry for what you have gone through, your story sounds a lot like mine. I'm glad you were able to save his voice in a bear, I didn't know about such things and lost all my recordings...I have his voice indelibly etched in my brain though!

This is a wonderful caring site, we've all been through it and we're here for you.

[Bdzack]

Good afternoon...here it is Saturday... the week-end my worst time.

I have so much to do and I can not seem to get energized enough to do anything but cry. I need to deal with bills, year end taxes for the business, laundry, cleaning, yard....and I do not want to do any of it! When does the foggy brain and no energy get better?

I was reading on the home page for this site and I found several newsletters regarding grief. The most recent article was about recognizing your progress through grief...I am certainly not at the level of "progress" but it was very informative that one day I may be and I can now recognize that "progress". The link for the article is http://www.hov.org/pdf/January_February_2009.pdf and for the main board http://www.hov.org/program_details.aspx?id=1 . Just thought I would share with all of you...I had never explored the home page before.

I also want to thank all of you for sharing and being able to share your thoughts and feelings so well. Your sharing so often times reminds me of him or gives me the ok that feeling the way I do is "normal".

Reading back over this, it seems like my mind is jumping here and there. Sorry...thanks for letting me share and vent.

Bdzack

[Dusky]

Bdzack,

I'll send you the same message I just sent to Mossfire - It reads" Each time I see a new member it reminds me of how difficult those first days/months were and how I felt I would surly die - soon. I'm still here - and some of the best times are when I can help others through this dark passage. Check out my web site listed below."

[WendyJ]

Bdzack I am so sorry you had to join us, this is a hard road we all here must travel. I too lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly to a blood clot that went to his heart, he was only 51 years old. He was fine the night before and gone the next day. We will be here for you as much as you need us so please keep coming back.

Love Always,

Wendy

[Bdzack]

The weekend is almost over....all that I need to accomplish has not been finished. But some progress.

Today has been a sad day. I watched the movie "Phenomenon" last night; it first came out in 1996 when we had been together about a year. I cried then and I REALLY cried this time. Silly... I know to even watch the movie, but I remembered the first time we saw it in 1996, we both cried over it then too. I remembered the night after that movie we told each other how much we loved each other and we were so happy to be together, I just wish I could have fallen asleep in his arms again like I could before. Little did we know our time would be so limited, but I am glad we had the almost 13 years. We had each gone through divorces and did not think there was someone out there for either of us. I know we both appreciated having each other for those years, we both knew no matter what we were going to be together forever. But we thought we would have a chance to grow old together... Our kids were finally grown and it was now time for us. I feel cheated...we took care of everyone and now the time for "us" is over.

I wish I could just see him again... I have had only one dream about him, it was like a memory, replaying one of our good times, I did not remember he was gone in the dream, I just enjoyed being with him. I woke up the next morning so at peace, I so wish I could dream about him again. Does any one have a way to get the dreams to come more frequently? Crazy question, I know. I have learned if I go to bed and start praying about all my stresses and blessings, I can not go to sleep. So I have learned to pray in the living room, then turn on the tv and it makes me sleepy and I can then go to the bedroom shortly. If I think too much I can't go to sleep.

I could not sleep in the bedroom for 4 months after he passed. I finally moved the bed to another wall in the bedroom. Everything is still there just a different view.

Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.....

Bdzack

[brendal]

Bdzack,

I am also new to posting here. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, and still have a lot of the same feelings as you. I too just can't seem to focus on the things that need to be done. I had a list of things to be done this weekend, and finally did a few of them today. I used to love to shop, with or without my husband (he actually liked to shop too). I will be in my house and think of things I want to buy, but when I go to the store or the mall, I just don't want to be there, and usually end up leaving without buying what I need. Is that crazy or what? Lately, I have been shopping on-line more just because I don't want to go into the stores.

I have only had two dreams of my husband in 2 years. They were very vivid and it just seemed like I could touch him. When I woke, I actually had chills because it seemed so real. However, there have only been 2; I don't understand how I can have dreams of people that I haven't seen in years, or people that are very insignificant to me, but I don't dream of my husband that I think about all the time and miss so much.

I too had trouble sleeping after my husband died. I did sleep in our bed from the very first night and never even thought about sleeping anywhere else. I like being in the bed where we slept. But at first I would go to sleep, then wake up in an hour or two and stay awake for several hours. Then I started not being able to go to sleep at all. After a couple of months I talked to my doctor and started taking a mild dose of a sleeping pill (I actually cut the pill into 4th's). But at least I can sleep now, and that is important; especially when you have to work the next day. I have tried going to sleep without the pill and I can't do it.

Like you, we were at the age that we were ready to enjoy life...had built a new home that we planned to retire in, had one grandchild, and we had so many plans to travel, etc. Now there is another grandchild on the way, and he will not be here to see it. Life just doesn't seem fair, when I see all my friends and neighbors enjoying lives like we had planned.

I am so sorry you had to join this group. Hope that your week goes well.

Brenda

[Bdzack]

Thanks Brenda. How wonderful to get two dreams! Did you realize in the dream that he had already passed on? Or was it like you were living life with him still? (if you don't mind me asking) I kinda like the idea that we are just living life together in the dream..

I so agree with your last comment "Life just doesn't seem fair, when I see all my friends and neighbors enjoying lives like we had planned." Especially when it seems like they do not know how wonderful it is that they have the chance to continue their life with each other. Our live together was just cut short too quickly....

My hubby too liked to shop and was very patient, when patience wasn't his norm with everyone else. When he was out shopping with me, we just enjoyed what we were doing; even when he was waiting for me to find something. This makes me think of the Brad Paisley song...."Waiting on a Woman". When I hear that song, I think it is his message...that he is up there on the bench waiting for me....

My plan for this week is that I am going to try and appreciate when I am reminded of a good memory even though some sadness comes through. I am going to try to remember to be thankful that I had the time to make those memories even though I would have loved to have made more... Maybe this outlook will help me not be so sad...

Bdzack

[MartyT]

Dear One, you asked,

Does any one have a way to get the dreams to come more frequently?

See all the posts (two pages) in this thread: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...5&hl=dreams

[AnnC]

I have had a lot of dream visits from my ex-husband, and some from my father and grandmother also.

I once read that if you look at a photo of your loved one right before you go to bed, it helps you to dream about them, and I have found that to be true. You can gaze at the photo and ask them to visit you, or ask God to send you a dream (whichever feels best to you), and if it doesn't happen that night, keep doing it until the dream comes. It works for me.

Ann

[marsha]

Bdzack & Brenda- I'm so sorry for the loss of your love; but I'm glad you both found this site. I was not quite 3 months out when I found this wonderful forum (I'm at 6 1/2 now). After Joe died, I had stacks of books on grieving - I honestly didn't know what to say, what to do, how to feel. I started journaling, then I started seeing a therapist - both have been very helpful. But coming here, where feelings and fears are put out there with no reservations - that's what helped me realize i'm not going crazy.

As far as getting things done? I'm running our business alone now. I do what needs to be done; sometimes I can do more, sometimes I let things slide a little bit. I know it's a cliche, but I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff. After watching my husband die in my arms, it's pretty much all small stuff. Not to say I don't get anxious, scared, incredibly sorrowful, and all the rest of those wonderful emotions (!) - I just try to put everything in some kind of perspective. Try being the key word here! I almost had a meltdown in the grocery store the first time I realized I didn't have to get the 12 pack of toilet paper.

Thank you for sharing your stories, and a little about your lives - keep posting! Peace, Marsha

[brendal]

Bdzack,

I know exactly what you mean about the Brad Paisley song "Waitin on a Woman." I thought the same thing when I heard it!! And the mall that is mentioned in the song is actually the one in the town where I live! After reading your posts again, I can tell you and I are similar in a lot of ways. I too am an only child, so I don't have a lot of family. Most of my friends are married, so they have their own 'couple' lives and although they are good friends to me, they really don't have a clue--and I just don't try to explain to them--because it would probably make them feel uncomfortable.

In my two dreams, it seemed as though my husband had come to visit me. In one he held out his arms and said 'Look, I'm OK.' During the last couple of years before he died, he used to tell me that when he dreamed about his deceased parents that he thought it was them paying him a little visit-- so that is what I make of the dreams I had of him.

This site is such a good place to come and read about the things you are also feeling, and then you don't feel that you are so crazy after all.

Marsha,

You seem like a very independent and capable person--running a business on your own now. I know it must be very hard, and you have only been at this 6 1/2 months. But you are right--we just have to do what has to be done and don't sweat the small stuff. I too am learning to do that. It seems like the grocery store is where I have a hard time too--it's the little things we miss the most; I still have a hard time coming home to an empty house..sometimes I leave the tv on just so there will be noise when I come home.

Thanks so much for your good thoughts. Peace to you too.

Brenda