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Feeling Really Sad


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I've been feeling really sad lately. I do feel sortof alone here. Not as bad as I did last semester, but still lonely. I'm so glad I have you guys to talk to! And my counselor, and journaling...

The last couple nights, about a half hour before bed, it seems I start to think of everything and get sad. I can't believe my dad isn't around anymore. I was looking over old emails that we sent each other, and noted how happy he was to get old pictures of the two of us together. Those are currently the very same pictures treasured so much sitting in my photo album.

I took him for granted so much! So many hikes we went on, and I feel I didn't take enough pictures of him. I thought he woud always be there. I only got a camera in 2006, and before that he was the one who took pictures. You can tell he loved me; random pictures of me popped up amongst the nature pictures from our hikes.

He had a lot of stuff in storage, and unfortunately because he couldn't pay the money, apparently his storages got liquidated a few months into 2008. So, tons of memories I had with him (unless the CDs he burned of photos are mysteriously somehow still somewhere in his tiny apartment) are gone...I wish I had tons of his stuff to sort through, even though it would be heartbreaking! Instead, I came home after the memorial with only a box worth of stuff. One box! :(

I've got a few shirts, and one CD of pictures, some music he listened to, some of the crystal and gem collection, my own pictures, and his notebooks (with his illegible handwriting, haha; I've been thinking of bringing them to a handwriting expert). A few more things, but not a lot. Even so though, these things are a treasure to have. I just sometimes wish I had more pictures of him.

This one young girl who visited him for appointments a couple times and was at the memorial, is going to send me some videos of him she did. :) I can't wait!

Besides the photo album, one thing I did that felt really good was make a nature/tribute video (I want to make more):

Anyway, so...I've just been sad. I miss him a lot. I can't believe he isn't around anymore. It feels really strange and wrong.

I feel very helpless, like I can do this and that to feel better, but ultimately he is still gone and I hate that he is gone. I want him back! Why did he have to go? He was one of the most precious people in my life, and now he's not here, gone for good. I want to see him and hug him and hear his laugh again...it hurts me so much, that in his last couple of months, he was in terrible pain, and I know some of the time he was very unhappy, even though he tried to hide it from me. He was in good spirits during our last visit, though.

I wish that at LEAST, I could do those last couple of months again, more together. I would call him more, and visit more, and give him more than just a collage I made for him...

It's so hard, guys. I get sad and want to just lay in bed forever. The only thing keeping me sleeping at night is these homeopathic pills I've been taking every night before bed, and I still feel tired during the day. The sadness really slams home.

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I feel you. I wish I had taken more pictures. I think I have hundreds of photos of him that I took, but that still isn't enough. I wish I had more. At the end of the day, no matter what people say to me, he's not here, and that hurts. I just want to be in bed all day and think of him. I'm glad you have a few things of your father's. I have everything of his, and I haven't touched them. I just leave them in his room, waiting for him to come back. I've framed some photos of his and put them around the house. I need to see his face everywhere I turn, though I understand for some people that's too painful.

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(((((((((((((((Chai))))))))))))))) & ((((((((((((((((((((Em))))))))))))))))))))

Know what you mean.. exactly. Dads are kinda special people to understate the obvious. But.. really.. there are NO words to describe the loss of them.

Chai.. the video you did.. what a beautiful tribute.

What struck me was through some of those pics I was able to see what he saw... what he appreciated.. what he loved.. (including you!)

Thanks so much for sharing that with us.

Here's a poem that came to my mind while watching your video:

Do Not Weep

Mary Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,

I am the swift, uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die!

I think it is kind of unfair of them to ask us not to weep... because we NEED to weep to continue on our grief journeys.

But the part of the poem that I was reminded of were the middle two stanzas ( I put them in bold). They reminded me of your Dad. I hope they do for you too.


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What a beautiful tribute to your dad. Did you take all the pictures or just the ones with your dad in them. Maybe you should sell some of your pictures if you did take them and use the money to do something as a memorial to your dad.


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Hi Chai,

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, Thanks for sharing that video with us it is very special.

I loss my mother 2 months ago and the shock is wearing off. Now I am missing her like crazy so I do know how you

feeling. I wish I could have done a viedo however I do not know how to do that. So I just enjoy yours and others who know how to do those things. I have lost of pictures of Mommie so I just look at them and enjoy them, I am not as sad

when I look at them now.if I feel joy. just remember her, and feel the joy we shared. Mommie was 69 so young. Lawrence my husband was 56 even younger so I am now a widow at the age of 47. I am happy to have had my mother as long as I did however it still seems she was too young to leave. I am happy for them both as they were very ill the both of them.

Cancer seems so unfair and takes our loves ones so quickly.

You be good to yourself as you go through this process. How old are you is I may ask? This seem to be a long process, however together WE can get through this. So keep posting and feeling.

Oh and like you I can't sleep think about the both of them it just cripples me at times, however I must go on because that is what they both would have wanted, I just don't know how somedays.

Much Love

Keep the Faith


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This song comes to mind, i truly love it:

I'll Be There - Escape Club

Over mountains, over trees

Over oceans, over seas

Across the deserts

I'll be there

In a whisper on the wind

On the smile of a new friend

Just think of me

And I'll be there

CHORUS: Don't be afraid, oh my love

I'll be watching you from above

And I'd give all the world tonight to be with you

'Cause I'm on your side, and I still care

I may have died, but I've gone nowhere Just think of me, and I'll be there

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Chai, you said,

Besides the photo album, one thing I did that felt really good was make a nature/tribute video (I want to make more):

and Deb, you said,

This song comes to mind, i truly love it: I'll Be There - Escape Club

Would you consider adding these selections to our Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart page? Just go to the bottom of the page where you'll see a place to Leave a Reply . . .

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Thank you all for your wonderful replies. They have made me smile. :)

emptyinside and jackietnd, and well everyone, really - it is so good, somehow, to hear that I am not the only one who is having it hit hard sometimes, and wishing there were more pictures and things to remember our loved ones by. I think em, you have a good point - it's never enough! We just want that person back with us.

Deb from Lodi, thank you for sharing that song. (Definitely add to the list, Marty!) :) I have been thinking a bit like that lately, how maybe if I just sortof...talk to him sometimes, or think of him during the day, I will get some joy (even though there is simultaneously sadness, but the point of the song is that he is here with me when I think of him).

I've even been doing this thing in the morning; he always used to eat fruit every morning, and we'd sit and eat our fruit together. So I bought some fruit last week and I've been sitting down every morning with his picture while I eat my fruit, and I sortof talk to him over breakfast...some might say this is unhealthy to do, but it makes me feel happy, because in his framed picture, he has a really happy smile on his face.

Mary Linda, I admit some of the pictures are not mine; it's in the photo credits in the description. I did take some of them, though, some of the places are from hikes and very important places close to my heart.

Leeann, your post really made me think. I really like that idea, to be reminded of my dad by nature. It feels very right, to do that, and I think he would like that idea. It also reminds me of something I envisioned during a meditation, in which he told me that I could still hike with him, just by feeling the good energy around me of nature while I hike.

Thank you all for your replies, and for watching the video. :)

I would like to say, this thread is still open, because of course there will be more times where I'm feeling really sad...tonight I can go to bed feeling better though, after reading your replies. :wub:

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Oh, lord. Help me, help me. I am feeling so sad right now. I just can't seem to stop thinking of him when I'm lying in my bed about to go to sleep. My mind just lights on various memories and wishes...

I think it's because of tomorrow. Tomorrow is a big day for me. The spiritual guru that my dad and I both became inspired by, his birthday is tomorrow (technically today). I am going to a celebratioin of the wisdom and inspiration of this wise man from India.

This is the man that my father and I would visit together. He has many followers, but my dad would get us to the front of the line rush, and speak to him. We would ask him questions, or just get blessings. When I first met him, it was my dad who introduced me, "This is my daughter."

Later on in the year, in May, I am going to this festival in Houson that this wise man from India will be at...and I am thinking, how can I be there without my dad? How can I look into this wise man's beautiful blue eyes - my father had the most beautiful blue eyes, too - and not cry? I mean, the man would understand my crying, but...I just, the festival is a very happy ocassion, and everyone will be happy, but I will be sad because my dad won't be there.

And tomorrow, so many nice people at this program...I don't think I'll be able to keep it together. That's okay, though, I mean, they knew my dad...I just miss him so much. I felt this physical pain in my chest. I haven't had the crying physically hurt, since the first week. But here I am just moments ago, lying in bed, crying, and it was soo physical, shaking and this panging pain in my chest...it's a thing I get, sometimes. When I get stressed, I get weird pangs, usually at my side (and sometimes because I need to drink more water). But now, by my heart, it hurts.

It's gone now, now I'm writing and thinking, but...this feeling is just awful.

What's more, I was talking to a friend today, and when she was talking about her weekend stuff, she said, "My dad's birthday is tomorrow." And we went on to talk about how old he was turning (51 or 52) and blah blah, no problem, right? I didn't skip a beat with the happy "oh, how old is he going to be?" yaddah. But inside, it hurt me. I mean, here are all these people my age who can just say that sort of thing, offhandedly, about their dads. But I can't. And my dad won't ever have a birthday ever again.

Sad, sad...that's me right now. I really wish my mother were here, to sit with me and hug me...and of course I wish my dad were here too, to sit with me and hug me...as I cry over him.

:( Just wanted to vent out my sad feelings...thanks for being here.

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