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I'm Hitting A Wall!


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Not literally, although sometimes I could use a good punching bag in my living room. Seven months, and the newest feelings I have are "don't wanna do anything." I mean, the last couple of days I've spent watching tv. Totally without motivation, totally feeling at the bottom of the pit, any light up there? Because I can't see it! Maybe I'm not letting out my feelings enough to friends and family, I don't know. I'm not one for spilling my guts to people, I'm just wanting them not to feel bad (oh, to be a woman!) This is not a good feeling. I do re-open the deli on Thursday, maybe the routine will help. I do know I'm really feeling bad because this is yet one more thing Joe and I would have been doing together. I just literally don't know where my head is at. It just seems like when I get a glimmer of hope, I'm blindsided. AAARGGHH!! Marsha

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You are right on schedule Marsha. Over and over again I have seen our fellow grievers fall in the six to nine month range. This doesn`t mean you will feel like this for three months, only that everyone seems to have a really bad spell somewhere in this time frame. I beleive that it has something to do with our minds finally allowing us to experience the full force of the loss we have suffered. Earlier we were protected by the shock of what had happened, the nightmarish quality of suddenly being alone (no matter how you may have thought you were prepared).

I was not part of this group for the first year of my grief and I can remember this stage so very clearly. I was not even able to get the couple of hours of sleep that I had managed on a nightly basis up until then. I took to working around the clock (literally). I worked until I was moving so slowly that I knew I wasn`t making any progress on the job, then I took a couple of hours to try to sleep and when that didn`t occur, went right back to work. Ended up working myself to exhaustion and illness and still couldn`t rest. My advice to you is not to fight these feelings, give into them and allow yourself to do what you can when you can, but not to push yourself. This appears to be a critical phase of the grief journey which will occur whether you work with it or not. The only thing you can decide is how much worse you want it to be by struggling against it. Take extra good care of yourself right now. (((Hugs)))

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Hey, Marsha.

Another wall, eh? Yeah, they come out of nowhere at times. The best you can do is ride it out. Maybe you need to just sit around and do nothing. I've done it. The good news is I didn't do it forever. Soon I got up and started moving and the inertia kept me going. The other good news is that as we move along, the down times still come, but don't last as long. Being an independent woman, it's hard to just continually pour my guts out to my friends. First, is the fear that they've heard enough (which may not be true if you have the chance to ask them.) Second is the fact the only person that can make these feelings go away is the reason I'm so down. Third is, I sometimes don't even know myself why I'm down, I just am. Fourth, it's easier for me to retreat than it is to talk it out.

I know how important it is with so much responsibility to stay in control. Maybe that's the hardest part...feeling like we've lost control. Is that our lesson in all this? Letting go?

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If theres one piece of advice I could give you ~ rest and listen to your body ~. During that period of time for me I hit that wall but thinking I could keep on pushing ( I'm an artist and sell my work) I painted from the time I got up until I literally couldn't see what I was doing at night and then fall into bed. I didn't feel like doing anything but I pushed myself into complete exhaustion. Someone told me during that time that I was going to burn myself out but I didn't listen and it took such a toll. I think that we don't realize at the time the toll that the loss has taken on our bodies and mind and that we can carry on as before but unless we take care of ourselves mentally and physically it won't work. Just listen to what your gut instincts are and ride it out. The grief experience is like a rollercoaster up and down some days harder than others. Just take it a day at a time, Breathe!! Deborah

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Marsha I agree with what everyone is saying, you have hit a rough time and the best thing you can do is listen to your body. If you are tired, then sleep, if you want to do nothing, then do nothing, we all went through the same thing and some of us still do here and there and maybe even more than we would like to admit. I think opening the deli will help to keep you alittle more busy as long as you don't over do it. Good luck to you and of course know that we are here for you.

Love Always,

Wendy :wub:

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I agree, if you don't feel like doing anything, don't push yourself. The deli will undoutedly force you to keep going, but even so, you need time to rest, your body has been through such a shock and it will take time to recover. If you reach the point like Fred did where you can't sleep, consider seeing a doctor because it's not good to keep going on two hours a night. I've been there and I finally got some sleeping pills. I've only taken them a couple of times but they're there in case I need them.

Hey, if I had t.v. I might sit and watch it too! It sounds better than what I'm doing today. :blush:

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Thanks, guys - I actually am riding it out to the point that I am becoming one with my recliner. You want to hear something funny? I hauled out old, old journals from the first year we were married, and after reading them, I can't believe joe put up with me! Then I read his old journals, too. It let me look at, and acknowledge the struggle of our marriage - hard times and very good times. I think I"M going to become a therapist after all this introspection. I know the wall will come again, but for today - I have a reprieve. You all are great! Marsha

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Thanks, guys - I actually am riding it out to the point that I am becoming one with my recliner.

Thanks for the laugh, Marsha. I'll tell you a funny story about my old journal...I kept one while trying to quit smoking years back. After a successful year of being smoke-free I read through it again. At the time I thought I should have written a book entitled, "Quiting Smoking During PMS and the Husband That Survived It." It would, of course, been a tribute to Bob's love and patience!

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When I hit that six month mark, I felt worse and worse, so I sought out a grief counselor. She told me it's classic that you hit that worst point at six to 9 months, when the shock wears off. She also said that if you had had a heart attack, you would be resting and healing, and not expecting yourself to accomplish a lot of work. She said losing someone you love breaks your heart, and is as devastating physically as a heart attack, only since it's not visible we and others don't treat it that way. She told everyone in my grief group they need to slow down and give themselves healing time just as they would if their heart had been physically damaged, because the emotional and spiritual damage needs just as much care and healing.

Ann

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Thanks for posting this Marsha. I also am hitting another wall but am right at the 1 year mark. I just can't seem to muster and feeling for anything either. I just do "stuff" because...... just because......

I am so apathetic. If I do have something to do, great...I do it. If I don't..fine; I can sit and do nothing. It is no way to live but maybe it is what I need right now. I also don't open up much. I mean really...why? People are well meaning and say they care and that they understand but really....they have their own lives and no, they don't understand.

What I try to make sure of right now is not to think about the future. Living like this for another 10, 20, 30, or 40 years?????????????????? As the kids say...OMG.

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I think I'm hijacking my own thread here, but I have to reply to Ann's post in Loss of a Love Relationship. Ann, you absolutely blew me away! When I closed my deli for the month of January, I looked at this time as a time to really reflect and think - and grieve. What was real, and what wasn't. What was my true grief, and what was worry about myself. What was controllable, and what wasn't. And - what was the circle of life, love and death. All very heavy, right? I sound like some New Age guru. I would find myself writing in my journal how angry, guilty, grief stricken I was. And yes, I'm all that. But I kept thinking, and writing through these emotions - going beneath what I was saying, and actually listening to myself. I stopped running away from them, and sat and wrote until I could get a glimmer of what I was really thinking. I still feel all these things, yet - I know there's more. Why does it take something like the sickness and death of a loved one for these hidden emotions to come out and to face them? But right now, while I'm dancing atop the abyss, it feels like I've never gotten to know myself so well as I'm trying to do now. I do know I end every conversation with good friends and family with "I love you". And so it goes on..and that's how I'm feeling today. Thank you, Ann! Love, Marsha

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