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I Lost My Baby Boy ='(

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It’s been 11 days since my baby died. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant. My little Ryan had been extremely active ever since I first started feeling him move...but there were days when he wouldn't move around 22 or 23 weeks and I was told that was normal. So Monday when I didn't feel him move after mid morning right at 26 weeks I was concerned but was told sometimes they just don’t move all the time. The following day I felt nothing and took myself into Labor and Delivery. Upon getting checked in they found his heartbeat, a strong 120...however I remember the Doctor saying she'd prefer to see more "variation"....I guess it would have been better if it was moving around more. The doctor had a full ultrasound done and in the 45 minutes the ultrasound tech was doing it he didn't see my baby move once...not a finger or a toe or even the appearance of his chest going up and down - and yet his heart continued to beat. A few hours later though his heartbeat gradually began to go down...115, 110, and eventually they thought that his heartbeat was very close to mine, which was in the low 90's. They immediately took me in for an emergency c-section when it dipped that low. (The baby's father believes they had lost his heartbeat for a while, I don’t know what to believe). The c-section was over within 10-15 minutes and my baby was stillborn. They tried to recessitate him but there was no chance of bringing him back. All my original blood tests came back normal and in the mean time I am waiting on a full panel of test results including placenta and cord testing as well as an autopsy. One thing that I was told was that I have a heart shaped uterus, but according to my doctor it isn't a very bad one and it wouldn't have been the cause of what happened and it shouldn't have any effect on future pregnancies...but it scares me. After the c-section, I was in the hospital for 3 and a half days, during which I got to spend as much time with my son as I wanted. At first I thought this was a crazy idea but those precious moments I got with him in those days are all I will ever get to hold on to. Plus, we got the opportunity to get some pictures which we may never look at or maybe we'll cling to them - who knows? The hospital was great, they helped us get foot prints and even called someone in to make molds of my baby boy’s feet...they also made us a birth certificate, since technically we don’t get one since he never took a breath.

I didn't cry until the night I got home from the hospital. It hit me in a wave...I had just left my baby all alone to be stored in a freezing cold morgue until someone could cut him open to perform an autopsy. It took everything inside of me to not get into the car (which since having had a c-section and being heavily drugged would have been a tremendously bad thing to do) and drive to the hospital to see him again. In the days since then I've been trying to stay as busy as I possibly can (reading books on grieving...creating a website in memorial to my baby boy, etc), which isn't very much seeing as I'm supposed to be resting for the next few weeks. But if I stop for two seconds I have a panic attack. I miss my baby. Yesterday there was a memorial.......but yesterday was supposed to be the day I got my 3D ultrasound pictures. I'm not supposed to be grieving the loss of a son I never got to know. I'm not supposed to be worrying about no one remembering him but me. Or people belittling my loss because I never got to be "attached" to my child. No one can "remember" him...except for me and Joe (Ryan's farther). And really all Joe can remember was the Ryan we got to spend time with at the hospital, and that’s not the Ryan I think of. It’s weird and hard to explain to anyone else except to say that when you have someone growing inside you, you feel like you already know them. I knew what time of day Ryan kicked the most, I knew that he liked to be on the left side of my tummy and I knew that if I put headphones on my tummy and put a certain track of a classical CD I have on he'd start to kick like crazy. So even though I didn't know the color of his eyes or the sound of his laugh...I knew a different baby than the one they gave to me. It’s still hard for me to admit that that was my baby. In the hospital I held him as much as I could bare to...but I never told him I loved him, now I wish I did...and I never kissed him, now I wish I did. I felt like I was holding a doll...I felt like I was going to wake up and it would be some horrible nightmare. I’m sure where ever my baby is he knows how much I love him but I wish I could go back in time and express that more when I had him with me. I loved my child from the second I found out I was pregnant. All I ever wanted was for him to be healthy and for some unknown reason this had to happen. I am so angry and sad and I don’t know how to move foreword. I don’t see myself being able to move forward. I know people say it takes time, but I want my baby back...I'll always want my baby back. I just don’t know where to go from here...I feel so alone in my grieving for this baby, like no one else can truly understand because he was inside me and I was the only one who knew him in any way when he was alive..........

I’m going a bit insane with everything going through my mind right now. I actually experienced some very mild bleeding at two different points during my pregnancy. Both times it wasn't even enough to fill a quarter of a panty liner but even so it scared the hell out of me. I was told "sometimes this just happens, its kind of a wait and see game" and both times nothing ever happened.......the last time that even happened was 2 months before I lost Ryan so it was completely unrelated but still for the remainder of my pregnancy I would check to make sure I wasn't bleeding every single time I went to the bathroom. Now I can’t help but wonder “what if?” about absolutely everything that I did during my pregnancy. What if I should have never taken baths? What if the one soda in a blue moon I allowed myself hurt my baby? Or…I got a pedicure a few weeks ago, was it the fumes? Or…I went into a casino for about an hour one night...did I inhale smoke and kill my baby? Or...I got a spider bite a few weeks ago...should I have taken that more seriously and gotten it checked out? Or the fact that it bothered me that at the doctors office I went to I had been seeing a Nurse Practitionerevery check up until later in the pregnancy when I would have started to regularly see a Doctor...did that Nurse do something wrong? She was very nonchalant about the few bleeding episodes and always seemed so busy...what if something could have been prevented??? I saw her only 5 days before I lost him…why didn’t she notice something was wrong? She barely gave me the time of day. She found the baby’s heart beat and since I had bronchitis she prescribed me some Robitussin, the whole appointment lasted no more than 5-10 minutes...and should I even have been taking that??? Or did me getting sick make him sick? Or what if I had come in to the hospital on Monday instead of Tuesday, could they have done something different? Or what if we had insisted they do the c-section immediately instead of waiting attached to the fetal monitor to see if there were any changes??? These questions keep circling around in my head and I feel a bit insane at times. I'm worried that whenever I get pregnant again I'll be afraid to leave my bed. I think I might have to buy one of those professional fetal heart monitors so I can hear his heartbeat whenever I need to. Although that wouldn't even have helped in my case because his heartbeat was there right up until the very last minute going into my c-section. I know people must think I'm crazy...my baby has only been gone 11 days and I'm thinking about having another one. But really that idea has been the absolute only thing to help me make it through my days. It terrifies me that something like this could happen again...but then I read so many stories about people having children after a miscarriage or a still birth and that’s all I want. I feel empty right now. I hate to look at my body because my boobs are starting to shrink as the milk dries up, and my stomach is slowly deflating - I can see my toes again but I'm not supposed to be able to right now. I think the worst part of the physical part is the fact that I am going to have a permanent scar to remind me I lost my son. Emotionally though all I can think is that as soon as it’s physically possible I want to be pregnant again. I would never dream of having a child to "replace" Ryan...because that simply isn't possible and I know that, I really do. But I was very, very ready to be a mom. More ready than most people - even at my age. Even when I was younger I always just wanted to be a mommy. I would be content being a soccer mom and having 5 kids and just taking care of them. Not that I don’t have career and life goals for myself but being a mom has always been number one on my list of things to do. That idea is what I cling to when I feel like everything is falling apart. I don’t know if that's healthy...I'm sure it’s probably not, but I feel like it’s all I have.

Is there anyone at all who has gone through anything even semi-similar...and if so would you mind sharing your story and how did you managed?

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Ryan's Mom Big ((((((hugs)))))) for you.

I'm so very sorry to hear you lost your precious son. This must have been a horrendous ordeal for you and your husband.

I can't say that I can understand competely what you are going through as I didn't ever experience it. I miscarried several times very early on before we were finally able to conceive our son. And I know how awful I felt after those.... nevermind 6.5 months along!

So really I can only imagine how you feel.

Treating this as any other very significant loss though... you are feeling many of the same things that we have all felt. And yes in the beginning it seems absolutely impossible to go on without our loved one. But we all do manage. It does take time and it takes some work too believe it or not.

I would definitely allow yourself to express the feelings you are feeling.. whatever they may be... try not to judge them and know.. in time the feelings will not be as intense as they are right now.

Also.. why not schedule an appointment with your Doc to go over some of the questions you may have gnawing at you. But the reality is.. sometimes.. no matter how well you take care of yourself, or how well your Doc's or Nurse Practioners took care of you.. things can just go wrong and we may never really know what happened or why things didn't go right.

One thing that consoled me after my miscarriages was thinking about how many things need to go exactly right for a healthy birth to even happen! I realized what a true miracle it is when one has a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I also looked at statistics and saw that I was no where near alone and that many, many women went on to have healthy children. So keeping a hand on the facts helped me a bit. Ask your Doc and I'm sure he/she will be able to reassure about this stats.

But Ryan was a real live being... he just happened to spend his lifetime ... intmately... with just you.. his loving Mom. I'm so happy you did take some pics so that if you want to later on.. you can always take a look at them.

He will always be the Big Brother.... hopefully watching over you & his Dad and other siblings.

Yes.. there is NO doubt how devastating this is... so I would not minimize this in any fashion. Your loss is just as real as those kicks you felt. And don't let anyone else tell ya any different!

Be gentle with you and with your dear husband too. In many ways I bet your hub feels really cheated. He didn't get a chance to experience Ryan's life at all like you did... I mean maybe he put his hand where he could feel Ryan kick once in awhile... but.. really that's all he was able to feel from Ryan. Your relationship with Ryan was different than his was and so your grief will be different too.

But sure... once you are able... I would try again on making a younger brother or sister for Ryan. And when that day comes that you are expecting once again.. try to relax as much as you can.

It is sometimes VERY hard for one to relax during a pregnancy after an experience like yours... but it is ALL important that one does keep as calm as one can for that new lil being in there.

After all of my miscarriages and I finally got pregnant and I stayed pregnant with our son.. I just looked at the Doc and said,"You tell me when to worry or be concerned... otherwise I am going to try REAL hard to not." He said he would let me know if there was ANYthing to be concerned about as we went along and ... blessedly with our son... there never was a time for concern. And I so hope the same for you when the time comes.

So tread gently for the next lil while... this is hard hon no doubt about it.

I found an article that might help you:


So read a bit there and here, post anything you wish & we all will try our best to help you walk this grief journey.


Edited to add.. Here is the website for Compassionate Friends, which as you may already know, is a wonderful organization that helps those who have lost a child. So by all means visit there and perhaps checkout the Group locator to see if you can perhaps even attend some meetings near you. Here is the site addy:


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Dear One,

I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your precious baby Ryan two weeks ago, and I hope you will accept my deepest sympathy. As a bereaved mom myself, I do know how it feels to lose a precious infant. Although it happened many years ago, when my own newborn baby David died unexpectedly after an uneventful pregnancy at the age of three days, the world as I knew it (and as I expected it to be) was suddenly turned upside down, and everyone in my corner of the world (except my husband) acted as if nothing of much consequence had happened. No one at home or at work or among my dearest friends would talk with me about it at all. I had no place to take my sorrow; back then there were no grief counselors, no grief support groups, not even articles or books about the grief that accompanies the death of an infant, and certainly no Internet with Web sites and forums aimed at grieving mothers.

While things have changed considerably since then, thank goodness, the sad fact remains that the death of a premature infant -- or even the death of a newborn at full term -- is trivialized by our society as a fairly insignificant occurrence, which can leave you feeling very angry, isolated and alone. Your heartache may be misunderstood by others, which can give you the impression that it is inappropriate and even abnormal to be mourning the loss of your baby. But the death of any baby is worthy of tears and grief, no matter what the age! And if you really wanted and planned for this pregnancy, you've lost much more than your baby. You lost all the hopes and dreams you may have had for your little one as well. You've lost the opportunity to mother your son, to hold him, to love him and to watch him grow up. I can only imagine what you must be feeling and thinking, because it is only human to question "Why me? Why my baby?" Keep in mind that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad -- they just are, and we cannot always help what we feel. Right now you have every right to feel angry, hurt, singled out, and heaven knows what else. What matters is what we do with what we are feeling, and feelings that are stuffed just sit there and fester. Feelings that are acknowledged and expressed will dissipate.

I don't know where you are taking your feelings about all of this, but I sincerely hope that you will make an effort to find others who've experienced miscarriage or early infant loss, so that you will feel understood and validated, and not so alone in your pain. Grieving is difficult enough without having to do it all alone. Since this loss feels so unresolved and is demanding your attention now, I would expect that you still need to find someone to talk to about it -- someone who understands first-hand the trauma of infant death. Sharing your feelings, reactions and experiences with others in an "in person" support group comprised of other grieving mothers gives you a safe place to express yourself, helps you understand that what you are feeling is normal, and may give you the hope that if others have found a way to survive a loss like this, then you will find your own way, too. You might consider contacting your local hospice organization, mortuary, church or synagogue, or even your local library, and ask what bereavement support services are available in your own community for mothers who've suffered a miscarriage or early infant loss. It’s also beneficial for you to spend some time on the Internet, exploring many of the caring sites devoted to this important topic. Most of these sites have been developed by bereaved mothers, whose feelings and experiences may be similar to your own. Many of them are listed on the Death of an Infant, Child, Grandchild page of my own Grief Healing Web site. Examples:

The Compassionate Friends: Grief Support after the Death of a Child

Kota Press: Grief Resources for Bereaved Parents

MISS - Mothers in Sympathy and Support

SHARE - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support

Unite, Inc.: Grief Support after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death

And here are four books I've read myself and highly recommend:

Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing

Silent Grief: Miscarriage ~ Finding Your Way through the Darkness

Forever Our Angels

The Angel Tales: Refuge for a Parent’s Healing Heart

I sincerely hope this information helps, my dear, and please know that we are thinking of you at this sad and difficult time.

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Hey there, what can I say, I lost seven children thru misscarriage,, and have two wonderful women in the process, I guess that I am the champion of loss with kids,parent, and family,,,,the pain that you are going thru is like no other....yes you feel empty...it sounds minimal but plant a tree,,,and go out every year and plant flowers to honor your Ryan.

I celebrate each and every birthday with each and every tree, each child is a part of you and always be and yet they are an angel looking down on you and letting you know that you are loved and that they love each moment that they spent with you.

The scar that you have is but part of the road map that your child has given you and it will end up being a smile to you in years gone by...trust me on this 30 years later.....

Like I said, no one will ever replace Ryan, but there will be those who are unique and yours and yours alone,,,embrace them and never compare them to what you wanted Ryan to be.........

Your career is well nothing but a way to pay bills... your husband is hurting as much as you and learn from my mistakes,,,,let him buy a pet and know that it is his way to give both of you something to love.

Every year, we celebrate our children that we greet us at heaven's door and love our girls,,, sorry women,, they are helping me to reach out to you,,, a pet, a teddy bear,, tears,,celebration, and knowledge that God will give you your gift.......my family is with you each and every moment of the day....blessings

Patti, Sheryl, and Jaime....and of course Stew

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It seems like a million years ago since I went through my own situation...my husband and I had been trying for over four years to have a baby...I only ovulated twice a year and he had low sperm count so that made it difficult. But finally I got the news I was pregnant, we were ecstatic! Eventually, I knew something was wrong, I didn't know what, I just knew something was wrong. I went to the doctor and he told me my baby was dead inside of me, it just hadn't passed yet...I had to attend a baby shower for a friend of mine and while I was there I learned that two other friends were pregnant...they'd just gotten married! They made it seem so effortless, while I had struggled and struggled to have a baby and couldn't even carry it to term at that! I went to my doctor and while waiting in the reception area, saw a young gal about 14 or 15, she was having a baby...she was just a child herself! When I got back into the room, I cried and cried and the doctor told me he knew it wasn't fair, I'd be a great mom, life just isn't fair.

Eventually I did conceive again, and carried that baby to term...if I'd have carried my other one to term, this one wouldn't have been born...and eventually I had another one who joined her. That was twenty some years ago, but I've never forgotten the heartache and disappointment of losing that child that I had wanted so dearly. The rest of the world seemed to go on while ours had forever been altered.

Way back then, they didn't take pictures, give you footprints, or anything else if your baby didn't make it, I think it's great that they do that now. They are recognizing what any parent could tell you already, that it really is a child, a living being, with their own patterns and personalities, and loved by those who carry them and care for them. No they won't be forgotten, least of all by you and the father...by any of us who went through this.

For those of us who were made to be mothers, we will bear children...whether through birth eventually, or through adoption, we have to, because it is who we are. I wish you the best.


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  • 1 month later...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have been through something very similar recently. I went into preterm labor at 21 wks, due to incompetant cervix, was put on bedrest for 7 days, but ultimately delivered at 21wks and 5 days. Too soon for my son to be viable outside of the womb. He lived almost an hour. I know all to well the pain, anger and maybe guilt you are feeling. I'm not sure where you live, but I have found 2 groups to be very helpful.

www.consolingparents.org is in Louisville KY, but anyone was message or blog. These women have all been through something very similar.

Also www.compassionatefriends.org has chapters all over the US, so maybe you could find a group close to you.


Mother of an Angel in Heaven

Carter Jackson Lane

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Its so hard to know the "right" thing to say when someone experiences a loss. I think that is why so many people seem to discredit whats happened. They just dont understand and trying to be helpful either say the wrong thing or say nothing.

Try not to think that you are alone though. I miscarried 3 times. I did manage to have my one miracle after the first loss and like Kayc said, if I had carried the first to term I wouldnt have had my wonderful boy I have now.

All these things might happen for some reason. Thinking that now doesnt make it any better, I understand. After my last miscarriage I went into a very deep depression. I look back and I hate myself for not getting help sooner. I lost so much time because my grief was far too overwhelming. My best advice is to make sure you talk with your doctor. Try to go to counciling. Get outside and keep yourself active doing something you can find some enjoyment in.

You have to keep going. We all do. You owe it to yourself and to your husband to take care of each other. And keep talking to people. In the short amount of time since my sister's death just coming here and posting a couple times, and talking with my very few close girlfriends, I dont feel so alone.

Your experience is unique to you, but sharing your feelings with people who care about you will hopefully help. Maybe you can bring other people closer to Ryan by talking about him with them.

big (((((hugs)))))

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  • 2 months later...


I just want to assure you that all you feel and are going through is "normal". I'm here to greive the loss of my adult son but I also have lost an infant to SIDS 28 yrs ago. Before that I had a miscarriage. I had taken Noah for his 6wk checkup and got a clean bill of health. I remember after my miscarriage thinking that if I just get full term with my next child everything will be ok. Then Noah was delivered by emergency C-Section 9lbs 7oz. Surely to be a healthy baby. The day of the night that Noah died, I had taken my husband to work that day but for months could not remember why. I had seen a Quincey show about crib-death. Never heard of it before so I didn't worry about it like a lot of Mom's do but God, in His mercy, prepared me. A couple of days later, my husband found Noah dead in his cradle. I still remember he was wet and cold so I changed his diaper. I read everything I could get my hands on about SIDS and my husband and I went to a bereaved parents group. That really helped because there were parents there who had still-born children all the way to adult children. Those who never held their babies alive or only had their children for a short time, we never got our memories, our loss was what never could be while those who watched their kids grow up had more time with theirs but they at least had their memories to hold on to. We found out that we all had the same thing in common. We lost our child! I look back at that season of my life and it was horrible. I got pregnant with my next child within a month of losing my Noah. It was very hard for me to bond with Jason because I was so afraid I would lose him too. I elected not to get him a monitor because our group had a doctor in it and he told us that if it was SIDS there is nothing we could do. I couldn't bear the thought of watching my son die and not be able to do anything. After that I had a beautiful daughter and now have a beautiful granddaughter. 28 yrs later, I got a call from an ICU social workier,telling me that they needed to have a meeting with Jon's family.

My oldest son, that I had when I barely turned 17 was born with Cerebral Palsy due to complications at birth. He was very intelligent but had a hard time expressing it because his body was physically messed up. He couldn't talk well, he needed to be fed and helped with bathrooming, showers, etc. The original call we got, was that Jon was out to eat with his group home and choked on some food but he was ok. He just wasn't waking up from some medication like they wanted him to so they were keeping him another day for observation. So when I got the call from the Social Worker, not even catching that it was from ICU, I thought, oh he's waking up and they don't understand him. So I agreed to go to the hospital that night because his Dad and Grandmother were going. When I got there I was told that they had done an EKG on Jon and he was brain dead. No response and that he had not woke up at all since he had been there since the day before. All that, to say, 28 years later, I never left my son's side. I was determined that I wouldn't allow him to die alone. God in His mercy, gave me strength that 29 yrs ago I didn't have. Grief is hard. The hardest times we will ever go through. I loved both of my son's the same. Noah never got to live his life and Jon's was cut short. It still feels the same! Painful and sometimes, overwhelming but if you keep moving through it, it will eventually get less painful. I never got over losing Noah. I was an over-protective Mom because I knew first hand how fragile life is but it did get easier-in time. All this with losing Jon has reopened some wounds that were long ago healed. My other kids could never replace Noah's place in my heart and after counseling when Jason was preteen, I built a great relationship with him. We need to seek out whatever help we can to be able to balance reality vs. our fears. I'll be praying for you and your husband. One thing that really convinced me to get help when we lost Noah was when we were told that many marriages end after the loss of a child because the couple can't communicate because their grief is different. Hope by this posting that you are getting the help you need. Kathy

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Kathy, dear ~ While I agree completely with your statement, "We need to seek out whatever help we can to be able to balance reality vs. our fears" and I'm so glad to know that you followed your own advice, I think it's important to note the following:

Many bereaved parents have been told (or have come to believe) what you were told: "that many marriages end after the loss of a child." As a matter of fact, according to grief expert and noted author Harold Ivan Smith, research indicates that only 6% of marriages fail following the death of a child; the myth is 75% or higher.

(Statement by Harold Ivan Smith during his seminar, UnderRecognized Grief, Phoenix AZ, March 14, 2008).

Dr. Smith went on to encourage those of us in the field of grief and bereavement counseling to do all we can to debunk this myth. See, for example, my article, Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family.

See also:

Growing a Strong Marriage After The Loss of a Child by Margaret Brownley, http://www.griefandrenewal.com/article22.htm

How Grief Can Affect a Marriage, by Pat Schwiebert, R.N., http://www.griefwatch.com/articles/grief_and_marriage.htm

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  • 2 weeks later...


I'm really glad to hear those statistics. That sure wasn't the message sent 28 yrs ago. I know from my own experience that I needed to talk and my husband didn't want to, which, when I was much younger, I felt like he didn't care what I was going through. Of course, I've since come to understand that we all grieve differently. This time it's even more different than when our Noah died because Noah was his son and Jon was his stepson. Jon had a really hard time accepting Keith in our lives. Eventually he called Keith Dad but they were never what I would call close. He was a real trouper staying with me at the hospital but hasn't been much support since. I've learned to accept the differences but reaching out to others is what helps me deal with it. Thanks for sharing about the statistics. Life is hard enough after loss without the marriage being lost too.

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  • 1 month later...

Ryan's Mom,

Your story sounds all too familiar. I lost my grandson. He was stillborn. He was my daughter's child. Her pregnancy was normal up to the night of delivery. Something went horribly wrong. To this day we do not know what. Before we knew of his death, her husband and I were waiting in the hospital room waiting for the doctor to come in to tell us of Conner's birth. Instead he came in and told us of his death. It was as if I had been hit with a stun gun. I could hardly cry because I felt as tho the wind had been knocked out of me. The doctor tried to explain what MIGHT have happened but I wasn't really listening. I was just worried about my daughter. Later when we got to see Conner laying in that bassinet, he looked like a doll as you said your child was. We did get to hold him and we too got to take pictures. I too wonder what his eyes would have looked like and who he would have looked like as he grew up.

What bothered me most were comments from people who said be thankful he died as an infant "before you really got to know him". I wanted to shout to these people that from the moment that any of us knew of this pregnancy we started loving this child, started planning for this child, and my daughter started feeling movement of him very early and she knew him way before any of us!!! So we knew him. I am sorry that people made the same comment to you.

Just like you, my daughter too wanted another child right away. She already had one boy but just wanted children. No one could ever replace the one she just lost but she wanted a child.

I am very sorry you lost your baby. Even after a while when you are able to move on, there is always a part of you missing. But you do go on. We unfortunately did lose a second grandchild. At that time, I became angry and a lot of other things, but once again after a while, I finally did find joy and peace in my life. I have found my blessings and joy in the grandchildren I do have. I pray that you too will find joy and peace in your life and have your large family you want. But for now grieve as you need to for the child you have lost.

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