Still Dazzed And Confused

[loving denny]

still can't pull things together it seems, i wake up crying, that is of course when i do fall asleep. i still reach for dennis in the night and sometimes wake up and wonder if he's already up and getting ready for work....then this overwhelming, gut wrenching pain takes over my being and reality hits me square in the face!!! my baby is gone,,,,,,,,,,not going to hear his breathing when i fall asleep at night, and even that raspy snoring habit that chimed in from time to time....oh God i had no idea that someday i would think of that as music to my ears!!! i stumble around things in the house and never really quite know whwere i'm suppose to be going or what i'm doing for that matter. i hold onto things as i walk along because my legs still shake and i know that they will give out if i have to go much farther!!! how do i get it together in my head??when does this whirlwnd of emotions and scrambled thoughts settle down?? sometimes i feel like i can't breathe....and i have no idea how i will live life without my life her beside me. when i met dennis i had to fight hard for him because he was determined he wasn't going to have a relationship with anyone that was serious, he'd been married and divorced, but i hung in there and then it all came to light...the night that he told me he was falling in love with me, awwwwww i still remember everything about that, the look on his face, that beautiful smile and those eyes...........you could see into his soul. we became a couple and planned a beautiful life together, we both worked crazy hours. 60-70 hours per week, but never did we not have time to sit and cuddle after a hot shower and talk about our day. denny had been worrried about my health, and my heart.....and when he left for work that morning, he was amazingly chipper, gave me a warm wet kiss good-bye and even bellowed he loved me as he got in his truck.....time stands still after that as i watch im leave the drive and i think that when he gets home later maybe i will do something special for him, backrub, cater to his needs...never having a clue that i would never see my baby in that form again. and that days would go by where i would have no idea what had happened to him...... it's like he fell off the face of the earth!!! what am i going to do??? people don't seem to think that i've lost anything important because i wasn't married to the man that i am so much in love with....i'm glad that i never took him for granted while he was here, but i feel cheated because his heart wasn't suppose to stop like that...........i am forever changed and have no idea what road to take to find what ever part of me is out there. i love you denny, you're the beat of my heart baby and if i could take your place i would...but i know tha you wouldn't want that...you want me to live and i just don't know how baby..........i love you baby and i miss you with all that i am

[kath]

Dear Joanna,

It is really important for you to take care of yourself right now. The emotions, the agony are intense and you have to remind yourself to breathe, to eat, to rest whenever you can. Keep posting. It breaks my heart, because I remember it too well. (It's not quite 2 years for me.) To anyone who thinks you haven't lost anyone important, remind yourself they haven't been through this. Your world is forever changed, but the scrambled thoughts and sleeplessness are normal for what you are going through. It really doesn't matter if it has been 3 months or 300 months, losing someone you love is painful. Hold onto those memories, his smile, cuddling, the talks. They will hurt right now, but will some day bring you peace.

Kath

[kayc]

People don't know that marriage isn't begun with a piece of paper, but with the heart...it is the paper that merely states it to the rest of the world what you already know in your heart, that you belong together. You have to know that you were the most important thing to him as well and if he could spare you this, he would.

All that you are going through, it is what we have gone through, the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and anxiety and pain, not knowing how you're going to get through it. Somehow you do, you just do, whether you want to or not. It won't stay like this, it'll change, but give it lots of time, you've been through a big shock, it's going to take time to absorb it.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[rich's girl 4 ever]

I know how you are feeling and I wish I could give you an answer when things will get easier. My love, best friend and soulmate passed away in Sept 08 from lung cancer and every day I go on like a zombie, I think about what it would be like if i could just fall asleep and join him... I miss him more and more everyday. We was together for 18 yrs but we wasnt married. He showed me and gave me the best times in my whole life, now i really just go thru the motions daily and I dont like it. I visit his gravesite 3-4 times a week and just talk to him hoping he hears what I am saying because I sure as hell miss our long talks and being together. Honey I hope it gets easier for both of us soon cause it is pure HELL. Take care and talk to ya soon. ~ Shelly~

[loving denny]

OMG, what a Godsend you are Shelly!! Thank You for talking with me....i have no idea who i really am anymore and that really scares me...i miss denny's breathing sound and the very breath on my face thru the night. all the things that were simple and pure are the things that i miss the most. took me my lifetime to find him and "poof" gone just like that. i tried so hard not to love him in the first place and it just couldn't be stopped my heart was with him probably from the second that i laid eyes on him!! i'm so glad that i showed him each and every day how much he meant to me and have very few regrets there, just a couple maybe, when i could have got that extra kiss or that extra hug and just didn't,,,,,,now i can't tell when real life is going on and when this feeling of being "out there" is going on...could very well be at the same time. denny has been cremated and i have no place tha i can go to talk to him, so i do go to the home where we loved each other many nights. we hadn't moved in together yet, wre just starting to talk about the long term together. driving out to the house on the 2 occassions that i have the overwhelming grief just takes over, i sob...not cry when i turn on the road that he lived on, and seeing everything around there just as he left it well there are no words to explain that. i sleep with his shirt because i can still "smell" his sweet scent, i don't feel like i'm in the real world anymore and i only hope that i can function in the real world as i return to work next week. denny was construction and had just returned to work alittle over 2 weeks ago, so we shared alot of time together over the winter months! cuddling and talking for hours and hours on the couch in front of the fire that he always built to hot and we'd have to crack the window!! God i miss him and i really wish i could lay with and sleep along side him forever as well. again thank you for reaching out to me..now i don't feel quite as alone as i did because you lost your love to...i too am so very sorry for your loss...please share more about rich, i would love to hear...sincerely......joanna P.S. pure HELL is so right, plus+

[loving denny]

People don't know that marriage isn't begun with a piece of paper, but with the heart...it is the paper that merely states it to the rest of the world what you already know in your heart, that you belong together. You have to know that you were the most important thing to him as well and if he could spare you this, he would.

All that you are going through, it is what we have gone through, the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions and anxiety and pain, not knowing how you're going to get through it. Somehow you do, you just do, whether you want to or not. It won't stay like this, it'll change, but give it lots of time, you've been through a big shock, it's going to take time to absorb it.

(((hugs)))

Kay

kay, thank you thank you thank you, i have read your reply many times and i can feel warmth in my heart deep down in there....so i know that i'm still alive!! thank you for letting me feel that....and you are do right i belive our marriage had already begun, we were working our way to God for his blessing is all. I know that he wouldn't want me to feel this way and i know he didn't want to leve me, but i still feel that God threw me a "curve", and i still feel anger towards God and i know tat's wrong, just the whirlwind thing and i'm a bundle of raw nerves feels like. Than you for your kind words they touched me deeply.......Joanna

[kayc]

Joanna,

Don't worry about being mad at God, He's got big broad shoulders, He can take it. He'd rather we be honest with Him about how we feel than pretend, and there will come a day you're more ready for acceptance, believe me when I tell you, this all takes time, it's a process, and you're right where you should be in that process.

Just always remember Denny hasn't left you in spirit, only physically, I carry George with me, inside of me, and always will...someday you will feel that too, but again, it takes time to reach that place. Right now you need to absorb the shock...

We're all right there with you and we'll help you through this.

Love,

Kay

[Lucia Abeytia]

This is my first time on this site and i know exactly how you feel i lost the love of my life Ben Feb 2009 and this has been the longest 2 months of my life. We were married for 33 yrs and had 8 wonderful children we also hjave grandchildren . Everyone says I'm lucky because i atleast have the Kids...But that is not the same i miss himm everyday and cry most of the time. He was cremated as well But i have a picture of him next to the bed and one in the living room at night i say good night to him and talk to him about my day...I don't know what to do with myself he was my life.

[kayc]

Lucia,

I am sorry you lost Ben. Your children will be a blessing to you, but yes, I know, it's not the same as having your husband. Please come here any time you want to post, you might want to start your own thread and tell us about it so we can respond personally to you.

There are a host of people here who have been through this, we are a support to each other.

Kay

[Lucia Abeytia]

Lucia,

I am sorry you lost Ben. Your children will be a blessing to you, but yes, I know, it's not the same as having your husband. Please come here any time you want to post, you might want to start your own thread and tell us about it so we can respond personally to you.

There are a host of people here who have been through this, we are a support to each other.

Kay

kay thank you but like i said i' new at this and do not know how to start my own thread i am not good with this computer stuff could you please help me

[MartyT]

Lucia, dear, I see that you figured out how to start your own thread ~ Good for you! We know that using this message board can feel overwhelming at first, but once you get the hang of it, you'll find it's not so difficult, and I think you'll be pleased that you found your way to this compassionate and caring family of ours. Others can find your new thread by clicking on this link: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=30321

[Lucia Abeytia]

Lucia, dear, I see that you figured out how to start your own thread ~ Good for you! We know that using this message board can feel overwhelming at first, but once you get the hang of it, you'll find it's not so difficult, and I think you'll be pleased that you found your way to this compassionate and caring family of ours. Others can find your new thread by clicking on this link: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=30321

Thank you Marty thanks to my son in law i was able to figure it out. and this does help i have been ready some of the entries and i see i am not alone. But i sure do feel like i am alone ...I try to keep my mind off of Ben but everything i do reminds me of him..I try to cook for my grandchildren everyday but when i am cooking that is when I remember him the most....Because he used to love to help me cook and i would tell him to get out of my way...now i miss that i wish he was there especially when i am cooking something he loved to eat

[mlg]

Lucia

I am so sorry for your loss. You said in your last post, "I try to keep my mind off Ben". If that is your choice that is fine because we each grieve differently. But if you are doing it because you feel that's what people expect then forget it. Think about him often, even if it makes you cry. Crying helps cleanse the soul. I don't think you will ever be able to forget him so this may be adding stress to you.

Just take it a second, a minute, hour or whatever you have to do to get through a day. Eventually you'll be able to reach a little farther. As you can see from some of the posts (you may have to go to loss of parents even) some people move on quickly. Some with regrets and some are happy. I'm 15 months out and still can't go more than a day with any kind of anticipation, but when I started I couldn't think past 5 minutes so I feel I've come a long way. This is all still so new to you, don't push yourself.