I Keep Having Dreams About Mom

[ThinkSpring]

Hello all,

I first posted here last January, right after my mom died. I haven't posted since then, but I have been thinking of people here going through similar struggles. I'm reminded all the time because the URL shows up in the dropdown in my address bar. I've thought many a time I should check in, but I haven't, maybe because I tend to try to avoid things that will make the emotions well up...probably not a good thing.

It's now been six months...hard to believe. It's now summer, and mom died during one of the worst winters on record here. It just added to the stress immensely. In many ways it seems like worlds and eons since then, but in some ways not at all. She loved this time of year...I really miss her and talking to her every few days, as was our old routine.

Here is what I really wanted to mention. I dream about her almost every night. It's never the same scenario, except that she's always sick, like she was toward the end. Sometimes I wake up crying. This has been going on for pretty much the entire time since she died. Is this normal??? I think of her from time to time during the day, but not obsessively so. I'm able to function pretty well. So I'm wondering if this is normal and how much other people have a similar experience. ??

I'm 48. Just goes to show that no matter how old you are when your mom dies, it's hard. I think this way because my husband lost his mom when he was only 16, so in a lot of ways, I was very lucky to have my mom as long as I did.

Any comments welcome, and hugs and warm thoughts to all of you!

[MartyT]

Spring, dear ~ Yes, this is normal, especially now, when you are around six months into your grief. This is the time when all the initial shock and denial have fallen away, and you are confronted with the brutal and painful reality that your mother is really and truly dead and not coming back ~ at least not in the ways you've always known her. You say that during the day you think of your mom "from time to time but not obsessively so," but you're still dreaming of her at night, when she always appears to be very sick. It seems to me that during the day your conscious mind is preoccupied with all that goes on during a normal day, but at night your unconscious mind is free to process whatever is "on your mind" ~ and that is a very necessary part of the mourning process. You need time to come to terms with the awful reality that your precious mother is no longer physically present in your life, and dreaming serves an important function in that process. Each time you "see" your mother so sick and dying in your dreams, you are confronted once again with the reality of her terminal illness and the undeniable fact that she has died. Your mind is struggling to accept that brutal reality, and in a very normal way, your dreams are helping you to do that ~ gradually and indirectly enough that you are able to take it in and tolerate it, in more manageable doses over time. Many of us don't even remember our dreams, but at a certain point in the sleep cycle we all still dream, and it is one of nature's ways of helping us confront and work through whatever is troubling us. Take comfort in knowing that as you move forward in your grief, the content of your dreams will change over time, and you can expect that one day you'll find yourself dreaming of your mother in a healthier, happier state.

[pls51]

Dear Spring,

Thank you so much for posting your message. I needed to hear what you had to say and the reply you got from the counselor really helped. My mother passed away 6 months ago too. It was very difficult but I thought I was handling things pretty well. That was until the 6 month anniversary. Now I feel like I've emotionally taken a huge step backwards. I have also been having dreams about my Mom, not every night like you but several times a week. In most of those dreams my mother is in the hospital or hospice and in so much pain. I feel so out of control, helpless, and on the edge of panic because I can't help her. When I wake up I feel so sad and I struggle to keep the tears down, just like when she first passed away. I was also wondering if this was normal.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for checking in here and sharing your feelings. It's nice to know that I'm not alone and that just maybe I am "normal".

Take care and know I care about you and am sending along a hug to someone who is missing her Mom just like me.

PLS

[floridagirl]

I also have been dreaming about my mom. She was sick for a long time, but for me, the dreams don't seem to include her illness. While she was still alive, I dreamed about her illness and imminent death, but now I don't. I remember most of my dreams but these are much more fleeting.

I like the idea that my dreams are a way of processing what I'm not thinking about during the day at work, with friends, etc. She died just over a month ago (it hardly seems that long ago, but also seems like so much time has passed) and to some extent I have to go about my day without constantly thinking about this monumental loss. If these dreams help me to work through my emotions, then I'm all for it.

Do you ever wake up upset about the dream? I haven't experienced that yet, when I dreamed about her during the anticipatory grief, I definitely did.

[Bamboo]

I dream of my Mom often and sometimes they do not make sense to me, but I dream of her at least 3-4 times a week.

[Sherr]

I haven't dreamedof my Mom yet and it's only 2mths, but I think I know why. I haven't even dealt with my own guilt in order for me to get on with everything else. I hope that my Mom is waiting for me to get passed this so that I can see her. A thought keeps running through my head that if i didn't think about her everyday, that I am not honoring her. That is what I am dealing with, along with good therapy.....I am trying to deal with the grief and pain first before I can feel her, I think. I have an older picture on my fridge when I was 2ish and she was holding me and my sis...that is what I want to remember her by...so beautiful and someon told me that is what she probably looks like now...It just so painful...I am already fearing Christmas because that is when it all startd. Dec 24, 2008....I already didn't enjoy it much, but now I need to try to un-signify it, but that is then, not now.....I just want to know that she is ok now...not everyone telling me that, i already know!! I need to know directly from her........"'(

<===== that is the picture I have on my fridge....that is what I need to see to feel better and sad................

[ThinkSpring]

I apologize for not responding...I changed my password before my OP in this thread, then forgot it...again! Sigh....

I appreciate all the responses...it's comforting (yet sad) to know that there are others dealing with the same issues. Marty, thank you for what you wrote...it helps me understand why I keep having these dreams.

Lately I keep reliving in my mind my mom's last months, and her last 10 days in the hospice facility. It's like flashbacks...specific scenes keep popping into my mind. Is this normal?? It was sooo painful seeing her decline and suffer. The last couple weeks were just horrible. I also have a lot of trouble forgiving my dad for his behavior during that time....he is really suffering now and missing her, but at the same time I can't help but wonder how much of that is regret and guilt...for taking her for granted and really not treating her very well over the years.

So much to process, still....

Hugs to you all...

[emptyinside]

I have flashbacks, too, and from what people have told me on here, it seems that it's normal. Hugs.

[AnnieO]

Think Spring

I went thru this too. I couldnt stop thinking about the last few hours , it was like if I was awake, those thoughts just went thru my mind over and over and over...I didnt know how to stop it. I was lucky I had a great therapist and she helped me so much. I want to tell you this will stop...and slowly you will have the happy memories going thru your mind. I still have moments when the bad stuff starts in my head, but I try to take a deep breath and pull up a happy memory to replace the bad ones. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Take care.