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So, my friends, it was a year on Wednesday. It struck me, after responding to Suzanne, that I haven't posted a thread in a long time. I feel like I don't have anything to say. But I'm still feeling my loss, I'm still needing support, I still come here every day to read. I've had an up and down week, emotionally. I've come to the conclusion that I'm putting myself on a timeline - something I promised to myself I wouldn't do. But I'm doing it, and the emotional fallout follows. I think I want to be so out of this I'm pushing myself too hard. Patience was never one of my virtues! I know I've done a lot in the past year. I'm thankful for what I have, the support I've been given, the love I had, and the love I can now give meanfully to friends and family. So what's up? Why do I feel like I need to "be" in a certain place, when I've never gone through this before? And why, why, am I beating myself up about it? I swear, I'm my own worst enemy - Hugs, Marsha

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Marsha, I think that we are too often told about the mythical magical year ... and that we feel better after the first anniversary. I reckon this is a fallicy ... that we get to a feeling of equilibrium (tho not as it was before our loss) ... when we get there, not in any particular timescale. Be kind to yourself my friend xxx

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Hi my friend, I'm glad you've made it thru your first anniversary, I'm proud of you. Just a piece of advice (coming from someone who's done this so well, HA!!) I threw myself into my painting, day and night, busy...busy...busy thinking I can do this. Pushing myself very hard for two years, almost relentless, visiting the cemetary weekly, doing everything non-stop and then it caught up with me and I never saw it coming. I became completely burned out physically and emotionally. Believe me when I tell you, GRIEF has it's own timetable and planning, doing, etc. won't make it end sooner or feel better. I'm not saying don't try to manage your life, goals, etc. just keep in mind your are grieving and that takes alot of energy when we don't even realize it. Grief isn't something to get finished, its ongoing and you have to find our own way of managing. Hope something made sense of what I said since I don't have much of a brain anymore. Deborah

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Hellow my far away friend Im sorry you are going through the pain of grief but I can tell you it is soon to get over it yet.For me it was 32 months yesterday and I can not believe Im left alone.The secont year was the same like the first but now its starting to get better.He is on my mind all the time but tears are less.Try to keep busy that is what is helping me and the love of my family.Im thinking of you .Love TENY

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[Dear Ones ~ I just need to say to Deborah that there is most certainly nothing wrong with your brain. What you said in your post couldn't have been stated any better by any of us, myself included, and I'm glad it came from wonderful you. -_-]

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Oh Marty, you always make me somehow feel like I belong in this family!! I know my posts aren't always the most pleasant but the reason I share my feelings and struggles is that maybe someone grieving and reading my messages can relate and not feel alone if their grief is taking a LONG SLOW path like mine. The people on this site have walked with me on this journey and I am so grateful to be able to be ME here, if not anywhere else. Thanks Marty! Deborah

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Deb - you are SO a part of this family! As far as feeling as your posts are not pleasant - well, to my thinking, this is a grief site, not a self help site, and I always want to hear what you have to say. I think you stated your personal journey so well; it helps me to bring my own into perspective. We learn from each other, and we help each other the best that we can. With the gentle guidance of our sweet Marty, of course! Hugs, Marsha

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Marsha,

I always respect so much what you have to say here on this site. It means a lot to me. I know you have kept your business going and worked hard this last year. I admire that and you.

I believe when Deborah said, "grief isn't something to get finished, its on going...." that this will most likely be true for me. I am taking my own time with grief. I have no time-table. I am better than I was the first few months....meaning I am not trying to make Tom come back (an impossible feat, but I tried) or crying uncontrolably all the time. On the face of it.....I am more adjusted to this huge hole in my life. My Tom will have been gone 10 months next Thursday and I have still not moved any of his things around in the house. It could be considered weird, but it isn't to me and I am comforted by this normalcy in my un-normal life.

Yesterday when I went out to the garden, and passed the mock orange, all in full bloom and so fragrant.....I just started crying. Everything I touch, Tom touched. We always said, "can't you smell the mock orange?" My whole yard is like that for me. Sometimes it makes me happy....we did this....Tom and I. We loved this and created this together. And sometimes it just floors me.

I am up and down. Sometimes I feel relatively strong. Today I thought that instead of relating to Tom outside me, as I often do....talk to him and even, gasp, look up when I do it.....I wanted to feel him inside me. I wanted to internalize him. I was a young woman when I met him and because of our relationship together he helped me become a confident woman, a strong woman, and I want to pull that deep inside and feel his presence with me and in me and know that I carry him with me each day. His strength and encouragement and ability to see and take fun from life.

I am rambling.....but I just really wanted to say how much I appreciate all the posts that you have made and your special take on things. You are a special woman, I know you are.

Take care, Valley

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Marsha,

I pray you find some calm today, it's no wonder you're feeling emotional, the one year anniversary is a big thing...I remember feeling like I'd completed a hurdle...that of getting past all the "firsts without", for me that was a very big thing. Grief is ongoing, it changes form, I only pray that those who are on this journey have the fortitude to keep going and look for some respite somewhere along the way. I love you You are such an inspiration not only to me, but to all of us here. (((hugs)))

Kay

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Hi, Marsha,

I was thinking of you this week. You had mentioned Joe's year was coming up. It is so really hard. I haven't posted much because I don't feel I can add anything to what everyone else has so eloquently stated. But you have been dear to my heart because you joined this site pretty close to the same time as I did. You were more recent on your journey, and to read what you posted gave voice to the thoughts I had carried silently for close to a year. You have been a strong presence here. I don't know that I can help, but to let you know that you are right where you need to be.

At one year I was thrown back at the lonliness that hit. I expected to have gone through it for 365 days and survived, I would be so far beyond the ache, so I was floored at how much it still hurt. Expectations are our own timetable. I tell my children, there are still lessons to be learned. I believe in the depths of my soul, that God's strength is shown in our weakness. It is then we are willing to accept our brokenness and reach out to others with compassion. You have done that and more. You've kept your business going at a time most would have thrown in the towel. You always have words to encourage the others that have come here. Be patient in your sorrow. You've touched a milestone in time, but the heart cannot be rushed.

Wishing you peace this year,

Kath

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