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Can't Keep Putting It Off...


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Hi this is shyman, thought I would take your advice BOO, & write my own story, so here goes. I do find it hard to talk about, as I explain later.

It was a typical school day back in March 1978 me (5yrs old) and my brother (7yrs old) caught the school bus to our babysitters, before heading home (both my parents worked). The bus stopped at our stop. My brother got off in front of me. Somehow, after he stepped off the bus, he fell under it. Despite all of the yelling by kids on the bus and parents close by, the driver drove off, running him over. right in front of me. Our babysitter ended up at the tragic scene. My brother looked at me, like he knew what was coming, his look said to me, even at age 5, I knew what that look said - Pain and Terror. He was terrified and in too much pain. Ah, it still haunts me, that look.

That look is something I have really struggled with. At times, its the first memory that pops into my head. When that happens, I find it hard to remember anything 'good' or 'nice' or 'happy'. The last time I saw My brother, they were shutting the doors of the ambulance.

That night I stayed at the babysitters house, being only 5yrs old, I didn"t know what was going on. I was not allowed to attend his funeral and felt that I could never mention the way that I felt about him again without upsetting every one around me. So, I quickly learnt to bottle my feelings up. School was never much fun after that. The bullies had found my weakness, and gee, they did use it against me. Something else I still struggle with.

Over the years it has definately gotten easier. Memories have become very precious. Most of the time I get on with life just fine. At other times I feel that I am 5 again. Its moments like these, although its been more than 31 years, time has taught me a valuable lesson - I know that everything will be alright. I will be ok. The sun will come up tomorrow and shine on me again. I can count on it.

I hope the story of my brother, my loss, will be benaficial to some of you out there, as well as helping me get some things off my chest.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my much LOVED brother

shyman....Australia

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Dear Shyman,

Thanks for sharing your story. It must have been really horrible growing up and not being able to process it. Even though it was so long ago and our situations are different, there are a lot of similarities. We've all been haunted by the last "look" of our loved ones. t's the image that has been the hardest to shake. The one where there were no words, just a memory that is burned forever into our hearts.

I can also relate to how you were unable to talk about your brother. I have been barely able to discuss my husband with his own family. There is a lot of pain there, to be sure, but it's necessary in order to begin healing. I need to say his name and talk about him. I don't ever want to forget all that he was. What is your brother's name? I encourage you to keep talking here. It is safe and the people here are extremely caring.

Kids can be so cruel. I went to grade school with a boy that had witnessed his brother dying in a farm accident. Other kids teased him because he was quiet and unsure. No one understood the trauma he went through until much later. I always felt horrible for him and what those kids had put him through. It isn't fair and he certainly didn't deserve it. You didn't either, Shyman. I'm glad you found us.

Kath

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Shyman, I think you are very brave to talk about this horrific experience - I cannot imagine how frightening it must have been for you at so young an age. You have found the right forum - this is such a safe environment, no one ever judges you, and I have never met so many compassionate caring people who manage to help each other, despite their own pain.

Please keep posting, as this will really help, and as you say, your message also gives others hope ...

Have you ever considered going to speak to a counsellor (it helped me a lot). Even if you have, it helps immeasurably to talk about it - you can't at home, but you definitely can here

take care

x

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Dear Shyman,

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.....even a long time ago. You were at such a young age to experience this trauma....to see this happen to your brother. I think it is so good to be able to tell this story and to reflect on that huge loss and how your were not able to really experience your grief.

I was with my brother when he died in his early 40's. That image on his face as he died also stays with me. I was with my husband when he died 10 months ago and I can barely allow myself to "see" that last moment without plunging into deep sadness. I hope to be able to "speak" and "see" that last hour someday with understanding and love, rather than fear and grief.

I think the bullies in the world are unhappy, unfulfilled people and it is too bad that they manage to hurt so many. They exisit everywhere, both as children and adults. I am sorry that you became a target for them.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Valley

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Dear Shyman,

How horrible this must have been for you! I simply cannot imagine . . .

I don't know what if any grief work you've done to come to terms with this, but I hope you know that it is never too late to do that sort of work, with the help of a qualified grief therapist or counselor.

At the very least, I'd like to point you to some of the very helpful resources listed on the Death of a Sibling or Twin page page of my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-sibling-or-twin.htm.

I also recommend an excellent book by P. Gill White, Director of The Sibling Connection, http://www.counselingstlouis.net/, entitled Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother. The author is a bereaved sibling herself and works as a sibling grief counselor. She was 15 years old when her sister died of cancer. White and her family never talked about the loss until decades later when memories began to haunt her. Her book is a powerful mix of personal reflections and useful information.

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This is shyman. Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. My brothers name is Glenn, he was a gentle boy with blue eyes & blonde hair he also suffered with bad exzma.

I have tried many different counselllors over years they havent done much good, all they seemed to say is (get over it, be a good boy & stand up to the bullies because boys will be boys). I know I have to seek professional help about my problems, Its just very hard for me to make the first step. I am a stubourn man who thinks I should be able to deal with things and fix them all up on my own, its slowly sinking in that this doesn"t work. Even my marrage is suffering because of my stubborness to accept help, how stupid am I ?

Thanking you all again. Shyman....Australia

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Shyman

What a horrible sight to have to remember. I can remember the school bus running over one of the kids at our schools dog and I still remember that with horror, I cannot imagine if it had been my brother.

You said that you have seen counselors in the past but were they grief counselors? Several people on this site have found if they are not proficient with grief that they do not have near as much success. From what you have said I don't think they have much grief counseling behind them or they wouldn't tell you to get over it. Keep searching and maybe the "right" person will be able to help you.

In the meantime please keep coming back here to voice your feelings. We all really care.

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