Like A Phoney

[valley]

I come to you good people and the new members, of which I am one, such a short time ago. I say things. I read and write and feel here. What do I know?

I swing from one emotion to the other. I guess I try to bring my best side here. So often, and lately, that is not what I feel. I feel so lonely. I cannot accept that I will never....never...never...have that one person who accepted me and took me as I am, and I him....never...again. When I say he was my perfect mate, I mean we were perfect in our arguements, our makeups, our love of our children, our work ethic, our conversation, our growing, our successes and our failures. We shared all of that, the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet we stayed by each others side. We supported each other even when times were very, very hard. We saw each other through so much. It kills me inside to know that I will not find someone to love me unconditionally like Tom did. And it kills me inside that he did not get to live his full and wonderful life. A man born to live and laugh and love and create. A man who totally loved life and never wasted time dwelling on what might have been. He was so strong and carried me along on his tidal wave of enthusiasm for living.

I want more than anything to pull him inside me and feel him and be thankful for our almost 40 years of working life out together. He made life so much fun, such an adventure. He loved his children so much and me so much. And he said it and showed it. And as much as I do with other wonderful, wonderful people...it is not Tom. We learned to speak the same language, to know what each other thought. And it kills me inside to be so cut off from that kind of love and appreciation and understanding. Of course we fought. We did. But in a matter of days, presto....we didn't even have to talk about it...we looked at each other with love again. I don't know how that happens. But it did. One day during an argument I would see him as selfish and mean...see that in him....and a few days later, he was the great man, unselfish and kind, that mostly he was. We project so much. But always, always we came back to love. When he looked at me I saw love. And it is the greatest gift. He always told me and told our children how much he loved us. He bragged about us to people, eventhough we are just regular folk. He lived for us and for his creative process.

I can tell people to be strong, offer my experience, but tonight I am feeling such a huge loss and I know that the great joy we shared will not happen again and it kills me inside. I guess this is what grief is.

I hope I have never tried to sound stronger than I really am. I do not want to be a phoney. But I do know grief. My grief.

I just had to say this. Valley

[LarrysGirl]

I know you are hurting, the grief is very very hard. Thank you for sharing your Tom with us. It made me smile to hear about the love you shared. I've said the same sort of things about Larry. He was the first person I knew I was truly accepted as myself, totally loved me and it has left such a whole in my heart and soul. Sharing your feelings here is what healing is about. There isn't a way around this, it has to be felt. You're doing it. I wish for you some comfort. Deborah

[laurieb]

Valley,

Just when I think that Scott and I were the only perfect couple - shared everything together, enjoyed each other immensely and lived for our boys ... I could just smile after an argument when he would sheepishly come to me and say "are you better" and I would just laugh..because of course he knew HE was in the wrong but it never mattered. we never went anywhere with out holding hands, talked all the time until we fell asleep most nights, would walk me out to my car everymorning with a cup of coffee, a bottle of water and tell me how beautiful I was, that he loved me and to have a great day. He would even clean my car before I left for work..at 6:30am...who does that if it isn't love. I couldn't wait to do for him, make his favorite dinner, see a movie with him even if it was too violent for me... Before he died, we made our 4th bedroom his "man's room" I bought him a flat screen, leather recliner and decorated it...manly so he could watch his sports, 24, the unit and all his shows. I loved doing for him and he for me...I too will never ever find that soulmate again and I don't ever want to

"grief is love" they say because we all would not be feeling this bad if we didn't love this great!! I take comfort in that because I did allow myself to love that great for 26 wonderful years. We are not phonies, we are on a journey and daily that journey changes... I have absolutely no idea who I am without him... I am unbelievably lonely in my heart and soul.. and I am scared of being completely alone in my home when our youngest son graduate highschool this year and leaves for college. Oh my gosh..where do I go, where is my home... it is and was always with Scott and now no place feels that warmth and security.. no place!!

I am living one day at a time and some days that is hard. I know that scott still loves me and is still guiding and supporting our family. I make a conscious decision everyday to try to make it a good day..that is what Scott would want for me... it doesn't mend my broken heart, it doest fill the whole of lonelyness and sorrow but it does get me through the day.. I trust those that have had a longer time than I (he died 4 months ago) that this immense --hard to breath pain will ease with time..my love will never ease with time... I am as committed to my love and best friend until the end of time...

thank you for allowing me to feel and share these feelings... you are not alone and we are not phonies...where would we all be if we just wrote down how great we all were all the time or how bad we were ALL the time.. we are real and things are up and down for us

Laurie

[Boo Mayhew]

Valley, thanks for your post ... I really identified with it.

Thinking of you

xx

[marsha]

Valley - thank you so much for your post. It expressed what I've been feeling, I just didn't have the words to express it. You did it for me. My Joe was like your Tom in his zest for life. It gives me a sense of relief to know that he lived his 58 years to the fullest. But for me, although the unbearable, crushing grief comes very intermittently now, what remains behind is the core of my grief - I miss him. I'm lonely for him, and I carry a sadness and a void within me, like a movie reel constantly running in the back of my mind. Yes, I'm living my life, and yes, like Laurie I try to take it one day at a time and see the good of the day. But when we feel these emotions starting to spill over, it's good to talk about it here. I should do it more myself. I understand completely what you're saying. Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

Valley,

No you are not a phoney. You shared your LIFE with this man, of course you're going to hurt and miss him! It is good to know that there are so many couples who were just right for each other, and it hurts to much to see that torn asunder...yes, it seems unfair.

Try not to think unduly about your life stretching out alone before you...keep it to just today, that will be enough for now. And when your heart is breaking and the tears come, do as you just did, head for this site and there will be somebody listening, somebody to pour your heart out to, someone to care.

Love,

Kay

[valley]

Love to you all for your kindness. I was so sad last night and I came here and just told you all how I feel. Or felt. Today is a new day. A friend came over today and we had a good visit. I told her that I belonged to this group and how good it was for me to be able to express myself to people who do understand. How I try not to do that out socially so much anymore. When my friend got up to leave she hugged me and said "I want you to tell me what you feel and are going through. You can say things over and over again to me and I want to listen to you. And I hope you will do the same for me as I tell you about what is happening for me". That meant a lot.

And to all of you, thank you so much for letting me reach out right at the moment I needed to.

Your friend,

Valley

[kayc]

Valley,

It is so good that you have such a good friend, they are blessings!

Kay

[Lucia Abeytia]

Valley, You are not a phoney, when i read your story i was reading how i feel. I lost my Ben 5mths ago and not a day goes by that i don't miss him..He was such a kind man and like your husband we always knew what the other one was thinking...he was my soulmate and after 35yrs together i feel lost he was my whole life and everyday i miss him more. Thanks for writing what all of us feel everyday and just don't know how to express it....Together we will make it thur this!!!!