"are You Better Yet?"

[emptyinside]

Today one of my relatives asked me if I was better yet. I couldn't manage a smile for her when I saw her. I'm just not a very good liar, I guess. It's hard for me to smile and fake it. I said "not really" and shrugged. She then playfully took me by the shoulders and shook me, going, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO YET BETTER?" I know she means well. She says she doesn't want to see me hurting anymore. But I hate that she sorta chuckles when I say "not really" or "not better yet." Like a reaction to a child who's holding a grudge for not getting candy earlier. She's a lot older than I am and still has both her parents, so I know she can't grasp the depth of my pain.

Should I start faking it? I'm thinking maybe I should take an acting course or something. Maybe I should smile and say, "Good, thanks." But I know I'll feel awful afterward. I'm just normally so honest with my feelings (I don't mean I spill my guts to acquaintances or strangers when they ask how I am, but when it comes to closer people, I don't). It doesn't feel right for me to lie. But I also dislike the chuckles or looks of "Oh, are you still doing that crazy grieving thing, you silly thing!" Then I feel like an outcast, a party pooper, or a child. I get the impression the relative thinks I haven't grown up enough, which is why I still miss my daddy. In her mind, a true adult will be mature about it and move on, not keep crying like I do. I don't blame her; she's of a different culture, so grief is handled differently.

What do you guys say to people when they ask you how you're doing?

(Sorry for clogging up the boards lately. I guess I've been extra down this past week.)

[Boo Mayhew]

Hey Em

I call these people the "untouched" because they don't know and they don't get "it". This may sound arrogant, but, one day you will be this person's teacher. One day she will get it because she will be consumed by the tsunami of grief, and when that day comes you will be a breath of fresh air to her, because you will be the person who does understand.

Marty has written a really good article on what is helpful and what is not helpful to say to people who are grieving and here are the links:

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-to-avoid.htm

and

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

and

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-words-of-comfort.htm

You should not start faking it because that will make you ill probably ... to answer your question, to some people (that are just acquaintances, I say "fine thanks" and to those who know me well and I assume really do want to know, "well, I still don't want to be here, I want to be with him ... but I am slowly learning to live without him".

This is your grief Em, you are allowed to feel it, and no one, no one, no one can tell you otherwise.

They don't mean to be horrible, they just don't know what we go through that's all.

If you think it wouldn't insult her, maybe print off Marty's articles and let her read them?

Sending you hugs

xx

[mlg]

Em,

I think we all "fake" it to a certain extent. That's why this site is such a God send because we don't have to here. It is a safe place to say whatever we want, whenever we want. I find that I don't look people in the eye any more when I talk with them. I think it is because I'm afraid they'll see my sadness and say something and either make me mad or sad.

Tom's family deals with EVERYTHING by hiding their heads in the sand. If they don't see it, it didn't happen so why are "you" being such a big baby. I was told we all deal with grief differently which is true, but I'm expected to accept how they grieve, but they don't have to accept me. Well, don't have to worry about that any more because basically I don't give a rat's ass what they think. I will feel the way I want to when I want to.

You are not "clogging up the boards". We all have bad times and that's when the rest of us are here to support you. It has been 18 months for me and I still have some really bad times. I find when I let myself get really tired is when I am the most emotional.

Keep coming here and venting.

[MartyT]

Em, dear ~

Here's another article I just found today that you may find helpful:

Understanding the Griever: How Others Can Help, http://www.opentohope.com/2009/07/03/understanding-the-griever-how-others-can-help/

[InNeedOfAnAngel]

i find myself faking it sometimes and i hate that but i do it cuz i just don't want to talk about it, so i figure if i say i'm ok then it doesn't get brought up. those people really are the untouched. they have no idea, no clue, not even a pinch. i always get the question "how you doing?" from people with the look of total pity and its like ok seriously do you really want to know or just want me to say something. cuz really i could go on and on about how i'm doing and they wouldn't care. but i'm sick of the question. i also can't stand being asked what i'm doing with my mom's house. people its mine now i'm an adult i'll do as i please but just leave it alone. yes i'm 22 and live with my grandma but she's alone and just enjoys company and someone else to cook for and she has bad shoulders, knees, hips, and now back problems. i'm here to help her out. plus she loves doing laundry, and that's fine with me. well sorry to vent a ton but my boss is stressing me out and so is school.

[emptyinside]

Guys, these links are nice, but I don't think my relatives will read them (some of them don't even know English). And the ones who do, well...it's a different culture, and they wouldn't read these anyway. The idea is to buck up, grow up, and move on, and those who don't do it are infantile. I think they probably see me as a big baby these days, you know, like, "Look at her. She's being so childish. Still upset. Well, once she really grows up and matures, she'll know." Even though I AM grown up. I'm in pain. Why are maturity and grief mutually exclusive? They are untouched. I want to see how THEY are once they lose someone so close.

And I don't want to just stop talking to them, either, because I already feel so lonely inside, and cutting people out will worsen that feeling. I know people can't be perfect, can't be how I wish they'd be. But I don't know what to do these days. My best friends have been very nice and patient, so that's a blessing. I can cry to them whenever. But my family seems to have moved on already. My aunts and uncles are older, so I know they have a different perspective on death, accepting the circle of life, etc. But I can't think in those terms right now. It's SO personal to me, I can't even see straight.

Is this out of the ordinary? Aren't most families understanding and nice? Am I just blessed with particularly callous family members or what?

I just feel so lonely. Almost like I'm the only one on earth. I can be in a room full of people, but I feel so lonely, like no one understands me, and the pressure to be "better" is making me paranoid and anxious. I'm scared if I don't put on a happy face, then family won't want to be around me anymore, so I'll really be alone. I don't smile anymore, and I think my cousin's annoyed because she hasn't called me in a couple days since our last outing. But she still has her parents, and her parents are a good 15-20 years older than my dad. How come THEY get to make demands on me? How come they still have their families in tact AND get to demand I snap my fingers and be happy? Why can't I, who has lost the person I love most in the world, have a little compassion, a little understanding? Why do I have to give up my true feelings and put on this show? It's like kicking me when I'm down.

[Boo Mayhew]

Em, I'm sad that this is making you paranoid and anxious, that's awful ... you should not have to feel that way.

I know this sounds crazy, but maybe your family think that behaving this way is the way to deal with their grief (and yours too unfortunately).

When my Daddy died, my aunt said that it was incredible watching my sister and I deal with our pain and grief ... that we reacted so entirely differently that it surprised her. I guess it's because our loss is our very own ... and we deal with it in our own way, in our own time. And no one can tell you that you should be over it, getting better (it's not an illness or a flu bug after all), moving on or whatever. That's tantamount to saying that a fairy waves her wand, sprinkles magic dust over you, and the mourning ends ... not going to happen (sadly).

Pull on the love, understanding and strength of your friends - thank god for them :-) As my Dad used to say, "God gives you your family, thank God you can choose your friends." LOL ... (with a cynical laugh as it's not a laughing matter).

Em, he was your Dad. That is such a special relationship. Our fathers were the slayers of imaginary monsters when we were little, they lead by example so that we form a set of values and ethics/morals, they are our source of intellect, advice and counsel. Unconditional love, they represent everything that is right in this world ... they make us safe, they would die for us literally, they work for us, they dream for us ... and if we are really lucky and blessed, as you and I were ... they also become our friends when we grow a little older. So you haven't "just" lost your Dad, you have lost all the different facets of that person/relationship - friend/muse/counsel/safety net/companion to events/confidante etc .... of course you are missing him immeasurably.

One thing that I realized when I got older was this - not everyone is fortunate enough to have such an amazing father ... the more I heard about friend's, colleague's fathers ... the clearer it became ... I had been so privileged ... lucky to have had this father. I still think that. I carry him in my heart and still strive to make him proud of me. Em, I am convinced that you too were given a special amazing father ... and in a way, it makes the loss more painful, more cruel ... but I promise you that in time, you will feel warmth and comfort and smile when you think of him ... it takes an ocean of tears and a whole lot of time to get here, but you will. I can now listen to Puccini, the sound of a powerful tenor voice like his, and enjoy it "with him".

Okay, I'll stop blurbing ... my point is ... because of how wonderful a Dad he was ... not everyone, even your own family will understand ... after all it was your relationship, not theirs ... and if your cousins etc haven't been robbed of their own fathers ... they cannot begin to grasp how traumatic this is for you. They are probably (this is a pure guess) groping around trying to imagine, trying to find the right words (and failing) but they are trying. Have patience with them .... they are the untouched :-)

One last thing then I'll shutup ... I find it helps to allocate myself "grieving time" each day. I think of this as my time with Cliff. The evenings always were our time, and they still are. I sit and talk to him, I cry for him, sometimes I scream for him ... sometimes I smile for him remembering stuff. It's almost as though I have a split persona these days ... lucid/brave face/faking it during the day at work, and if I socialize ... and weeping wailing ululating widow in the evenings/when alone. This works for me ... I know that I can let it go, let it all out, grieve as deeply as I need to as soon as I walk through the front door. During the day if people say, how are you ... the reply is fine thanks. In the evenings, when socializing, I have a need to think about or talk about Cliff ... most people happily oblige, but really they have no option! I'm afraid that I take the liberty of assuming if they ask how I'd doing, that they genuinely want to know ... so I tell them. They soon learn to not ask if they can't take hearing it .... and if I discover that they are a giver of inane comments, then equally, I learn to give them a "fake" I'm doing good thanks type reply.

Em, you are in my thoughts HUGS

[valley]

Dear Em,

You are like my daughter who loved her father so much. To have a father that you look up to and enjoy as your friend is so wonderful. My daughter and my husband shared a sense of humor and could laugh and laugh about so many things. They shared a view of the world and their place in the world. I would say that humor and trust were the cement in their relationship.

My daughter is married and her father's death was so hard on her husband, who also loved Tom. My daughter cried and was so depressed and had a really hard time handling her grief. One day a volunteer from a cancer center came door to door collecting donations or selling a daffodil and my daughter's husband talked to the volunteer about the grief his wife was going through as her dad had died recently from cancer. The volunteer suggested grief counselling or the services that her agency could offer. It ended up that both my daughter and her husband went together to a grief counsellor and it was the best thing for them as individuals and as a couple. So eventhough they had each other to talk to about the deep feelings of sadness and loss, they needed more than that.

You seem to have friends who will listen to you and that you can be honest with. You also want to be close to your family and that is great too. You are not alone. I think that Boo's "grieving time" each day is special. When you are alone and can do exactly what you need to do to find comfort....cry, call out, scream, be mad, or just talk to your dad or remember all the special times you shared. We cannot bring the person back no matter how hard we try....and did I ever try. I wish for you that your family was more able to allow you to be you infront of them, but I suppose we don't all get that. They still are your family.

My daughter calls me after work sometimes and just falls apart on the phone. She tells me "I just miss dad so much" and I hear such incredible sadness in her voice, such deep loss. But then I am like that too, feeling the pain. My son feels the loss too, but handles it in such a different way. Instead of talking about his dad so much, he tries to emulate his dad by watching out over me. He is very attentive. Sometimes I fall apart around him crying and he comes and sits next to me and puts his arms around me and just holds me. He doesn't say anything, he just loves me.

Lots of people are not good with words and just do not know what to say or how to comfort. But if you have even a few friends who can listen to you speak honestly about your feelings and your deep loss that is a blessing.

I am holding you in my heart today as I do my daughter and hope that you can see your "one good thing" for this day.

Take care Em,

Valley

[JonKoisMom]

Em,

I know I just answered one of you other posts but I can relate to your families response. When I lost my first child to SIDS 28 yrs ago, my own Mother kept telling me that I needed to get over it. It hurt so deeply. And as I told you, before, being a Christian and needing my Lord, I wasn't allowed to talk about God around my Grandmother or my Dad because it was taken as "preaching" at them but STILL I felt I needed that connection with my family. When my baby died, my parents came to our house and took us to their house. That happened on a Monday but come Wednesday, I HAD to leave there and go back to be with my church family because they understood so much better. I will say, that people saying the wrong thing to me, like "you'll be ok, you have other children" or" God made a mistake and sent this baby to the wrong body"was much easier to have grace toward then the avoidance that came just when reality REALLY hit. When we needed people the most they avoided us for fear of saying the wrong thing. That hurt more than hearing their "bad things to say to a grieving person". This time around, I've made a point of letting people know that just being there for us is what we need. To hug us or cry with us just like your friends are doing but the avoidance makes us feel like we have a disease or something. We actually stopped going places so we wouldn't make everyone uncomfortable. The whole reason I decided to join this forum was to have a place where people understand what I'm going through and I can share and be myself without upsetting my family, who are all grieving in their own way. Honestly, Boo was right about you and her Dad's. Not all of us were blessed to have that kind of Dad. I always hoped my Dad would go before my Mom because he was a grouchy old man and he liked to play head games with me. But God had a different plan and I ended up being the one to go and stay with him while he was dying.( He wouldn't allow Hospice to come except for the nurse and DR). I grew to love my Dad during that time and got very close to him. He was still a grouch but I understood and loved him through it. This valley is yours and no one can walk the path before you but you. Just be yourself and draw from the support that you DO have. Kathy

[emptyinside]

I'm about to lose it right at this moment.

Middle of the night. I can't sleep. My brain is tired, but I can't sleep. I keep thinking how lonely I feel. Why can't my family understand, particularly this one close relative? I feel so misunderstood, alone, abandoned, my mind just went to a very, very dark place about how to let this pain go. It's not fair...not only my dad, but also other family has been wrenched from me, it feels like. I think I'm having the onset of a panic attack. I have friends, but I'm selfish and want my family to understand, too. I want blood to understand, too. Why can't I have been born into a different family? Feels like I got cursed twice!

[Boo Mayhew]

Em, hang in here sweetie. I do understand. I do. Perhaps you could ask your counsellor (if you have one) how to approach this with your family. I don't know really what to suggest ... because I don't know your family, and I don't know how you can make people understand if they haven't gone thru this themselves. Talking is good. Can you speak to your Mom and ask her to talk to the family so that they can try and approach this differently with you, so that you have their support? YUou're not selfish ... you're hurting lots. You're allowed to.

xx

[valley]

I am thinking of you today Em. Take care of yourself.

Valley

[emptyinside]

Thank you, guys. But I don't think my mom gets it, either. She thinks I should distract myself and not think about it again. She says once I distract myself enough, I'll forget and be okay. I don't agree with her. I think pushing feelings away is procrastination; sooner or later, you'll have to deal with them. Besides, I'm not a good liar. I can't push things to the side and pretend I'm happy. I'd love if I COULD do that. I'd get some peace!

I feel so lonely. My dad was the person in my family who understood me the most. I guess it's because we were a lot alike. He never discounted my feelings. When I was upset about something, he always set time aside one way or another. We'd have our special talks, and he'd listen to me and help. I know I sound like a big baby. But he and I were friends, so I guess I depended on his unconditional love and understanding.

Now I have my mom who's not willing to talk with me. I tried approaching her and talking to her like I would my dad, but she got angry at me for being sad. She got really defensive when I told her I was sad. "Are you saying it's my fault?!" I said of course not. Not at all. I just wanted to talk to her about my feelings. She said I must feel it's her fault for me to bring up my sadness. She told me to forget about being sad and just be happy. So our talk didn't go very far. It's not just her grief talking, either. She has always been like this. I can talk to my friends, but I'd like at least one family member to get me. I keep thinking about how it'd go with my dad. I'd come to him, expressing my feelings. He'd make time (if not right then, then definitely in the near future) to talk to me. He'd listen, then weigh in logically, tell me he loved me, and give me a hug. He also understood that problems sometimes were a process, so he didn't expect to solve everything. Sometimes it helped to just have that soundboard so you can sort through your own thoughts, you know? That's what was so great about him. Now I don't have that anymore, and I was so stupid to try to replicate that. I just got yelled at and rebuffed. Yes, I'm an adult. I should buck up and learn to solve my own problems. I don't know. I'm just used to getting support, maybe it spoiled me? But I know tons of people who go to their family for support, no matter how old they are. Why can't I have people in my family who understands how much pain I'm in, people who encourage working on a process instead of just sticking thoughts deep down inside in a bottle? I just get this "get over it, move on with your life" advice. I feel so alone.

[Boo Mayhew]

Em, I totally understand your wish for someone in the family to understand. I also identify with the feeling of having lost that one person who understood you so well - Ithink Cliff knew me better than I do myself! And you know, I can be in a room FULL of people and still feel alone, and in a way, I am because I have lost that level of closeness and understanding from that one special person ... in comparison to how it was before, I am alone cmparatively speaking.

I also feel that he spoiled me and that I am very childish ... but that's the way we were, that was our relationship. I miss him beyond words I really do. My choice is to wrap myself in those times/memories/love and that helps me push forwards. But also I have times, when that is not sufficient, and I fall into my deep dark place ... then get up again, and again and ...

Unlike you, I think my family does "get it" well as much as they can ... so I am lucky.

My counsellor suggested to me that writing your loved one a letter, then sitting down the following week and replying to it (pretending you are them) is really helpful.I haven't bothered because I talk to Cliff LOTS and imagine his replies, which is tantamount to the same thing?

But I thought I'd mention it in case you thought you might like to try it. I thought it sounded very weird but she said it really helps people ... then I saw the logic in that, because it is the same as my talking to him, and I know that helps me. Ithelps me vocalize my feelings, I believe he can hear me, it helps me to make decisions "with his counsel". Hope that makes sense!

xx thinking of you