Lonely

[rich's girl 4 ever]

In 3 hrs it will 10 months since the love of my life has passed.... 10 long lonely months. They say it gets easier as time goes on but I want to know when. He was my everything, my soulmate, my best friend and my love. I just wish I could just talk to him one more time and just hold each other. i know there are many of you out there having the same feelings and if you could please let me know when do you start to feel some relief from all these emotions.

We were together everyday for 18 yrs til the terrible demon of cancer struck him and the last thing he said to me before they put him into the morphine induced sleep was that he talked to the priest and he was coming into marry us in the hospital room and that he loved me "BUNCHES". That was his last words that was spoken and I hear them everyday in my heart.

Please help me get thru this horrible time cause I dont know how to deal with it anymore

[laurieb]

Shelly

What a wonderful relationship you had. I too wonder when? I have come to understand that this emptiness, sadness that I carry will be there for a very long time and perhaps forever ... It is just a part of me. what has changed in 4 months is that I can function and am facing things alone that I NEVER thought I would without Scott. Everything is with thought and takes energy where before it just was... so I'm still climbing the mountain of life and I can share how grateful I am to hear others like you who had such wonderful relationships and know that we are not alone. No one in the outside world knows that it feels like but the others in the forum. I journal several times a week and it is to Scott, it is my way of still communicating and after I do, it brings smiles at times and tears at others.

I am so sorry for your loss and hope you come back and share with us.

laurie

[valley]

Dear Shelly,

My husband has also been gone 10 1/2 months and the ache and longing for him is just as great for me today as it was the first day he died.

Somethings have changed though. I am not as hysterical, do not cry all the time, can enjoy times with friends and family. I am learning what I can do on my own and when I need to ask or pay for help. I think that Tom and I were both strong, independent people within our relationship,; we each had our specialties, our areas of interest. He did so much both in the outside world, but also our home. He was a man who loved to work, especially physical work. So now I am seeing what I can do in that area too. I am doing the jobs he use to do around our place and finding new strengths in myself.

I do not think much beyond the day...especially about my future....as it is a blank without him. I do know that each day is a day that walks into that future.

You were blessed with a wonderful relationship with a person that was your best friend, your soul mate. I was too. So far, time is not a factor in changing that longing to talk to Tom one more time, to touch him, to laugh with him, to share with him. That is still there, the longing. Like you, I don't know if that will ever go away. Meanwhile I have to contend with life and I am trying to do that.

Much love to you,

Valley

[Boo Mayhew]

My husband died 6.5 months ago, so I am behind your timeline ... but I don't think we can apply a timeframe ... I think each grief/loss is unique to you as the bereaved, as the heartbroken person ... and it will take you a certain time, but another person may start re-joining the world sooner or later than you.

A good friend of mine lost her husband 17 years ago and she still loves and misses him, but she tells me that after the first 3 years it got "easier" ... the waves of pain became less frequent and smaller ... that she took 2.5 - 3 years to adjust to living without him.

But you or I, and others may find or journeys vary from what she experienced.

I wish you comfort and peace.

HUG

[marsha]

I'm in the same place, Shelly. Just over a year, and like Valley said, it feels very much the same, emotionally. Cancer struck my husband as well, so I feel like I'm dealing not only with the awful grief, but the memories of those months of his sickness. It does change, in a way - it changes into something different. In my good days, I can see it. Hugs, Marsha

[kayc]

Shelly,

I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all for grief journeys...perhaps some similarities, perhaps others who can relate, but our adjustments and time line will all be different.

For me I think it got better in the third year...but please understand there are different factors affecting each of our situations...age, how long we've been together, how interdependent we were, how resilient we are at adjusting/coping, the effort we put into our grief recovery, whether we get counseling, our personal support structure, etc. Rather than focus on how long we hold our breath until it gets better, it's good to focus on one day at a time (or hour). Meanwhile, we're all here for you and you can express yourself to us.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Mrs. B]

Hi, My common law spouse died suddenly (51) when i was away seeing my first grandchild. When i did not hear back from him i knew something was wrong. Never did i expect not to ever see him again. He had just told me that when i got back we would look into this marriage thing. Coming home on the plane was the longest journey of my life so then i thought . Yesterday would have been our fifteenth anniversary. Considering that 7 years before that he gave me what i called a shut me up ring lol. March 7, He died by himself and i was not here for him. He had been here for me numerous time. January first the hospital though i had a heart attack and after all the test and being a week in the hospital. I was given the all clear. He said he didnt likd not having me home and said that we were going to grow old together. After all the stuff we indured during the years we were finally going to be able to do things together. I miss him so much and my chest feels like there is a weight on it. Nights are the hardest. My young son moved home with me and i appreciate it so much but he has a life and i dont expect him to be here forever. I am mad a my spouse because he could have been ok but he would not call the dr. ever . stuborn stuborn. His daugher that i raised since she was 3 1/2 is having a hard time coping and i got her to go with me to a grief couslor. There is a whole lot of other stuff that goes along with the not being married, not having a will crap ,that i have to deal with and it is so hard. It makes me so emotionally drained. Seems like I get one thing done and another comes along that i wish i didnt have to deal with. Sometimes i just feel like throwing something or sleeping for a few days. In the same breath i am lucky to have my family and friends around. I even have great co workers but my kids are the best. I was afraid to go back to see my grandson but next week i am going. He will be 6 months. If something is going to happen it would happen even if i was here or there. Thanks for letting me ramble. I tend to do that a lot now a days. Mrs.B.

[kayc]

Mrs. B,

First let me tell you how very sorry I am that you lost your partner...I lost my husband when he was just barely 51 to heart attack, we didn't have a clue he had heart trouble, and I was gone to my Sisters Reunion when it happened...we usually were never apart, and I also felt bad that I wasn't able to be there for him that weekend, I just didn't know. Please try to accept the feelings you have as they are just feelings, nothing to gauge anything by, just there to deal with, and let go of any thoughts of guilt because you didn't know...or blame (for him) as he didn't know...we do the best we can in life and we think we have a certain amount of time...we think we'll get to grow old together...and then...we don't.

You seem to have a healthy outlook...you are right, if something goes wrong, it'll happen whether you're there or here.

It's wonderful that you have such a caring son...you're right that it's a temporary fix because kids do have a way of needing to live their own lives, but it'll help you in the immediate sense, and that's good...meanwhile, it'll give you time to work on adjusting.

I'm so glad you found this site, it has been a godsend for me and others here, we're like a family, helping each other out with encouragement, advice, listening, just knowing there's someone else out there who understands.

Please keep posting, there are a lot of people here going through it and it helps to go through it together.

Kay