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I've Lost Him Again


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I was always so afraid of losing "our story" because no one else was there for a good part of my life other than Bob. It helped to journal, and I did, nearly everyday. I wrote about his illness as I tried to find what I had missed and understand how it could have gone so fast. I wrote about who we were before we met and how being together changed us into who we became. I wrote what angered me, what I missed most, how I longed for him. I wrote poems and stories and journaled my grief so I could look back and see the baby steps I had taken.

I come here and read and post and when I read the heartache of a new member at four months, I went back to my journal to look at where I was then, so I could give advice for now. Problem was, I did all my writing on the computer and when things started locking up, I feared I would lose it all, so I started deleting files and profiles. I deleted mine because I only sign in under Bob's and all my stuff was saved in a file under his profile. Then I realized, it was only there until I deleted my profile. Now everything is gone, again, and it feels unbearable.

I don't know how to keep letting go over and over and over, and still be able to stand up again. I went through this a year ago when I lost my anniversary band. Now this. It's like I have to keep starting over from scratch and I just don't think I can anymore.

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Kath:

How AWFUL for you. But Mary Linda is right; before totally despairing, find a computer techie, because data is often still there in the bowels, even if your file has been deleted. I will pray that yours is!

Korina

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I'm so sorry this has happened ... and agree with the others ... find a geek, they can do wonders (they did on my work laptop). I feel for you ... we manage to keep our heads above water and that takes all our strength and energy ... then something like this happens and it can bring you to your knees. HUGS

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My dear Kath, as a writer too, I have to tell you that I completely understand how this must feel like yet another death to you, and I'm so, so sorry to learn this awful news :( . I agree with the advice you've been given here ~ Please do consult with a computer person before you lose all hope that your information is forever lost ~ and do let us know how all of this turns out for you . . .

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Kath,

I am so sorry!! There are people who know how to retrieve things off of hard drives...so long as it wasn't "written over"...do not do a defrag...get your computer in to an expert asap before anything can be written over it.

In the event it cannot be retrieved, try to keep in mind that this loss, as great as it feels to you, does not diminish in any way your great love for each other, which lives on forever. Nothing can separate you, not even death.

I love you,

Kay

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I having been on here for a while because I have just been spiraling out of control lately. I wish I'd seen this earlier.

Kath, I don't know if you've gotten some help yet. Too bad I'm not there, or I could probably retrieve those files for you. The next best thing I can offer is some free software to recover your files. If you haven't written over the files, this should work. P.S. I tried it first just to make sure. Let me know if I can help some other way. For my friends around the country, I just fix their computers by logging in from here, but never let anyone do that unless you know them. Let me know if this software works for you.

http://www.premiumdatarecovery.com/?recove...CFU8M2godujf2fA

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Thank you for your suggestions.

I looked into the local "Geek Squad." They said it would be $200 - $500 to try and recover the files. I tried the fix from Not Coping and really held hope that it would work. It didn't.

If I didn't have kids to get ready for a new school year or a dog continually destroying things, I could possibly pay the money and hold onto hope. But a $500 gamble is too much and I don't have it to spend.

This whole journey is a process of letting go, in so many more ways than what it appears. I cry all the time still, on my way to work, in my bed, at my computer, at my son's football games, whenever I am alone. Yesterday I had to discontinue his cell phone, the one I'd call weekly to hear him say his name. My kids were gone last night and I sat through church alone, came home alone, had popcorn for dinner alone, and realize this is what is left, me, alone. Oh, there are plenty of things to keep me busy, but it is not enough. In losing Bob I lost the 'we" that made life enjoyable. I work, I cook, I clean, I drive, I cheer, but rarely get to laugh. It's been more than two years. I should be better than this.

Did I tell you, my Bob was a computer geek? If anything could be recovered, he'd have known how to do it.

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Kath, I'd really like to try to help you. Why not PM me with your system information, i.e. what operating system you're using, and I'll see what I can find out that may help. The Geek Squad is really expensive, I agree (and not worth it half the time). I'm a couple of months from being A+ certified, so if I can't figure it out, I have a class full of people and an instructor who might be of help if you're using Windows. If you're on a Mac, I have a friend who is a Mac guru, so don't give up. Just don't write too much to your hard drive just yet.

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Kath,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way...at two years you can't be expected to be feeling any different than you do. I hope you'll give notcoping a chance on her offer and that it works for you...please let us know. I love you and am sending you lots of (((hugs for Kath)))

Kay

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