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God Never Gives Us More Than We Can Handle In A 24hr Period

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It has been 23 weeks since my world suddenly changed forever with the loss of my husband. We were together 22 years and have two wonderful boys. I read in a post about being on a roller coaster and that is exactly what this process is. and...I have hated roller coasters all my life and hate this one called life too.

So many of you, miraculously have shared a love similar in depth to ours and that is what keeps me coming back here. We all tend to think that we are so different and unique as so many times when Scott and I we were out and about in public places you see so many couples not "really" together. They don't talk to one another, hold hands, care about each other or show common manners towards each other. You all get it!! I guess that is why we all seek this website and other books, classes and support groups out because it was so special to us and so wonderful and the pain so great that we want and seek peace.

My grandmother is critically ill in a nursing home. She is 97 and the closest thing to a living saint that I know. I just adore her and we have always been so very close. She has stopped eating and drinking and it can be anytime. I keep saying God never gives me more than I can handle... but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the sadness. I justify it in my head that she is going HOME and she deserves to be with God and Scott and my Dad but I will so miss her. My son has left for college and our youngest will be spending his last year home as he is a senior in high school. All this change and I'm and just "walking" it because I have to but I am just hating it and want it to stop. I want my husband back, I want my grandma to be ok and stay with us, I want my heart to stop braking and being in the pain that I am in all the time. I feel like I was doing better and now this roller coaster is just taking me for a loop. I'm tired, this house is too big, with too much to do, too much responsibility at work and too much to do outside and have 2 dogs!!... I know I can ask for help and I have but it is all my responsibility to even do that and I'm just tired of not having a partner help me and ... this will never get better.. never...

I need a total knee replacement after having 5 knee surgeries following a skating accident 30 years ago and I don't even have anyone to help me following the surgery. I hate going to the doctor and having to write my next of kin as my son.. that just sucks!! it should be Scott!

I am stronger than I was at 4 months after he went to be with God but this pain never stops. I am thinking of volunteering for Hospice as perhaps if I get out of myself and try to care for others much more in need than I

I am sorry for rambling..just feeling a bit overwhelmed with all everything today.. I will continue to pray just a tough time.

thanks to all of you for being there in your posts


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Laurie, I am so sorry that you are facing even more loss in your life at this time. You must be thinking, "Enough already. How much more can I TAKE? I can't do this." - I know that I have thought these thoughts myself on numerous occasions ... yet, after allowing myself to rest - to take a break from my grief work and to grieve as deeply as I need to - somehow we all manage to get up and face another day, another dilemma, another chore, another loss ... I don't know how we do. I guess we all have a reserve of inner strength that we didn't know existed until we needed to pull on it.

It doesn't matter that your grandmother is 97 ... just because she has lived a long life doesn't make it any less sad when you lose her. Please be gentle with yourself. It was explained to me that grief is cumulative, so please be aware that when "it" happens, you may be hit harder than you think you will be. I don't mean to scare you at all - it's just worse if you have no idea that this MAY happen.

I recently lost my aunt who was 87 (she was also my god-mother) and went to visit her with my big sister when we learned that "it could be anytime soon now". I told myself and my family that I would rather visit the living than the dead and that when I saw her in hospital (she also stopped eating, then drinking) that I would also be mentally/inwardly saying goodbye to her. When she died, my family gently but firmly told me that I should NOT attend the funeral because it was too soon after losing Cliff. What I am trying to say is that you are still raw from the enormous loss that you have suffered ... protect your mind and know that whatever you do or don't do is alright ... don't feel bad. It's a simple case of self-preservation. Please don't force yourself or let anyone else pressurize you into doing anything that you feel that you are not ready to do.

Grief is so tiring. Tiring like NOTHING else. Even brushing your hair can be a chore on a bad day. One thing at a time, one day at a time, no more, no less. Don't feel bad for not being superwoman ... right now we are like wounded animals who have sought sanctuary to lick our wounds. Vacuuming the house suddenly becomes very low on our list of priorities. Instead our list reads something like: get up, wash, dress, screen phone calls, try to eat, pay urgent bill so electric is not disconnected, buy toilet rolls.

I identify with your concern about support following your knee op ... I started fretting the other day, "What if I break my leg ... who will look after me?" My friend laughed and said, "you have enough to deal with already. Stop inventing possible things that MIGHT happen and adding them to your worry list. Worry about it if it happens. Family and friends would help you. Your sister would mother you for a start." The difference for you is that you know that you will need the op ... perhaps you could ask a friend/relative to move in to help for a couple of weeks?

At work, I had to update my "next of kin" information and it broke my heart. It felt cruel. On Facebook I will remain as "married" because I am still as far as I am concerned. I can't deal with the whole "till death do us part" thing and choose to ignore that part!

Let us know how your Grandmother is, and of course how you are too.

Wishing you strength and peace today and in the coming weeks


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Boo, until people make me I too keep things as married because as far as I am concerned I am still married and Tom's wife. I can't imagine that ever changing although I there is always a possibility.

Laurie, I think volunteering for something is wonderful but I wonder if it is a bit too early for hospice. You are the only one that can make that decision but I don't want you adding to the grief that you are not yet through. What about a food bank or soup kitchen. Somewhere where the ultimate end isn't death. Good luck in whatever decision you make.

As far as your grandmother goes, it doesn't make a difference if she's 57 or 107, she's still your grandmother and it sounds like you have been close. Eventually you will have lots of things to remember that she taught you or did with you. That is why rather than buying a lot for my grandkids I am trying to make memories. Things like taking them to their first major league baseball game, to see their favorite college basketball team play, going to a play. I want them to think of me doing these things with them every time they do them for the rest of their lives.

Just take care and be gentle to yourself. As Boo said don't let anyone including yourself push you in to something you're not ready for.

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Laurie - I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. It doesn't matter what age your grandmother is - it's what she means to you that matters. When my grandmother died, at 96, my father was devastated. Age meant nothing - his age, or his mother's.

I've found, too, that we all seem to share that uniqueness of our loving relationships. When I came here, my heart was so raw - and I found support lifting me up. To be able to give that back, down the road, helps to heal me, and I hope helps to heal my friends. Because our grief sometimes feels unrelenting, it helps to unload, to vent. I know you feel overwhelmed - but you know what? When it happens to me, I just throw my hands in the air (literally) and say - it can wait. It will get done, in its own good time. And I mean the stuff like cleaning, maintenance, phone calls I should make, you name it. It's not going anywhere. Take a deep breath, be gentle on yourself - it's not just a cliche. Sometimes we need to sit and just be. Hugs, marsha

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Laurie, I know everything feels overwhelming, I too have been there. I lost my grandmother at 94 right before Larry died. Grieving is exhausting and the responsiblities we are left with just seem to pile up. I have two dogs also, their daily life has changed along with mine and I feel guilty as I don't have the energy to provide them the life we had with Larry. I try, but its not the same. My yard constantly needs cutting, then it rains some more and I cut it again. Sometimes I just stare out the window wishing for a moments peace from the pain and confusion. I'm still trying to find my way. We can only do so much each day, so go easy on yourself, take more time to rest, it will all wait. Deborah

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thank you all. I've been crying so hard I can barely see the screen.

Until I read all your posts, I didn't realize how hard I was on myself. I keep putting more on myself and increasing the expectations as the weeks move on... "I should be able to do this at 15 weeks after his death", "I should be able to do ___ at 20 weeks". It is almost like I am placing myself on some sort of deadline to be whole again, to be able to function like I use to and to be able to take all Scott did around here and do his stuff too. I mowed 4 acres, painted, put a floor down, laundry, played w/ my dogs, changed beds, cleaned and got my nails done. This doesn't include all the calls with my family trying to give them direction and help in making decision for my gram... i am just shot! physically and emotionally.

Boo, it never, ever dawned on me not to fly up and be with my mother after my grandmothers passing. I have already purchased her dress she will be buried in and sent it home. My mom is falling apart and I am the oldest, so I need to be there. My boys will not be attending as it is too much but I now have to rely on friends to have my son stay with while I am gone. I keep saying there is nothing I cant handle but I fear my cup is getting a bit full. I need to slow down and pray. Ask God for strength and guidance that I might do the right thing for myself and my boys...and my mom and family.

Deborah, I feel the same guilt with my dogs and it is so hard. They just look at you and I just know they miss him and wish I could do more.

I too am married and always will be until I die. Our love was a once in a life time and I am ok with that. I have my boys and someday, God willing I will have grand babies to spoil but I will always be married to and love Scott.

Perhaps it is too soon for hospice but I will pray. I believe that much of our healing is in giving back. I do not know where I am suppose to be but I do want to help.. some how.

thank you again, I know I don't know you all but I really have a special place in my heart for all of you



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Laurie, just a thought... I don't know about doing hospice right now, its not for me to say, but maybe too soon. Sharing with others on this site helps them and helps you heal also. You never know how much you can make a difference in someone's life who is grieving like you. For you right now, take care of yourself physically, thats very important and you will have plenty of time to help others also. Deborah

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Dear Laurie,

When I first came here and recieved the support that so many offer so freely, even during their toughest days, I felt also that I needed to give back. There are no regular grief support groups in my community and one is desparately needed. I felt that there had to be a reason that I was given this burden and some good has to come from it. Sadly, the need is still great, but I found I did not have the energy or emotional substance to lead a group. Instead, I became the voice for those who grieve. Anyone who knew anyone that had been dealt a loss, came to me for advice. How do they help their friend, mother, teacher, etc. I became an advocate for soup instead of pasta and hugs instead of advice. I suggested trees and rose bushes in place of flowers or empty promises. I convinced them to mow their lawn and weed their gardens. It was the best I could give, because, there was still so much more I needed to deal with.

I worked like a fiend in the beginning, trying to complete every project that we ever discussed. I still have a checklist of things we needed to finish, and thought by completing them, I'd feel closure. At best, working myself so hard was a good coping mechanism for a while, until I was able to face those feelings straight on. Completion still brings feelings of sadness, as Bob is not here to give a "Ta Dah!" with me and enjoy the results. Just last week, I finalized one last piece of paperwork at the bank because I've been unwilling to let go too fast. (It's been over two years.)

Timelines, are overrated. The only timeline that matters is what lies in your heart. When you are ready, the things that need doing will get done. Take little gentle steps for now. You have so many things on your plate, and they may compound the loss you feel so intensely already. Carry with you our prayers for your grandma and yourself. We are here for you.



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I agree with everything that has been said, and to reiterate, grief is exhausting, so do not push yourself. Some days, it is all I can do to stop crying and get off the couch (until I have to when I go back to work in the new year); I do make a point of going out for a walk or some kind of excursion everyday with Kailyn, and this usually makes me feel better. Thankfully, our cats don't take much taking care of, and are usually a comfort. Helping other people definitely makes me feel better. Other than posting here, on our way back from visiting family last week, my car broke down at my brother's (thank goodness it wasn't on the road). As it turns out, the delay helped someone else out in a small way. A girl in town caught a ride back with me as she had found out her father was very ill and in the hospital. I also plan to help with a golf tournament in the name of my husband and our good friend's brother next year to raise money for children's hospitals - children's charities were a passion of Scott's.

And I, too, believe I will always remain married (or widowed, if that term is necessary). Scott was my one and only soulmate, and he left behind the greatest gift and legacy in our Kailyn.

The great thing about this grief forum is that we can go online anytime, pour out our hearts, and know someone is listening.

Go easy on yourself, and only do what you feel you can handle. ^_^


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I'm sorry you're going through so much at once, that is one of the hard things about losing your partner, they are the very ones who would have been there for us when faced with things like your impending surgery and your grandmother's demise. It is so hard to feel so alone with decisions, responsibilities, etc. Yes, we all had a special love, that's why we felt the need to seek out help from this site when we lost our spouse, because ours wasn't a marriage of convenience or just an agreement, they were everything to us...the one who finished our sentences, the one we could rely on, the one we shared our heart and soul with, the one who meant more than our very own breath. No, we aren't the couples that sat across the room from each other and didn't talk, our coupledom was filled with love and passion and understanding and caring...and that is so much more to lose than a mere contractual marriage on paper.

Hang in there, keep coming back here, let us know of changes in your grandmother's or your own situation, we will keep you in prayer.

With love and hugs,


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