Why Do We Have Good Days And Then Bad Days?

[deborah ogren]

Hello everyone, sorry that I had slacked off for a little while. This week hasn't been one of the good days. In fact I woke up the other day and I found myself being angry at everything. I just didn't want see anyone or even talk. It took me a couple of days to get it together. I just felt that if I was by myself, it would make it easier, without me getting mad at people or opening up my mouth and saying something that I couldn't take back. So I figured that I just needed me time. Has anyone just woke up just being made at the entire world. This isn't like me the emotions were up and down, one mintute I was crying, another time I was laughing, and then I was so angry about the cancer that took my partner away from me.

I don't feel to bad tonight, I guess it is just part of the process. Everyday I Pray and ask God to help me grow and understand all of this. I have always tried to be postive and I have had to depend on his guideness, after all it has almost been almost 7 months. Thank you for letting me vent.

Deborah

[laurieb]

Deborah,

Of course you are angry. Its ok.. Be kind to yourself and talk to us. That outside world may not get it but we do. Watching a loved one leave us due to cancer can make anyone angry! Its horrible. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings and don't feel guilty. This is part of our new journey, like it or not and most days we don't This isn't the life we wanted but with God's help, lots of prayers and support (from this group too) we can do it. I admire you for speaking what we all have gone through.

take care of you

Laurie

[JeanneC]

Deborah:

I know exactly how you feel. I lost Alex just about 16 months ago. The first year is the hardest. But it is not like a clock goes off and after one year you stop grieving. It started getting better about a month ago. But this past week has kind of been tough. I don't know what happened, but I started to relive the time that Alex was in the hospital. I don't know why, but it just happened. I figure this feeling of ups and downs will go on for awhile. I tell myself over and over how could this have happened. Alex was not suppose to die.

So Deborah, hang in there. We are all here for you and each other.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kimi]

Deborah I know what you mean I lost my husband 4 months ago to this monsterous disease its so unfair,I keep thinking about the hospital too how he wanted to come home,but we need to think of all the happy times too,I know its so hard I just ask God to give me the strength everyday!God Bless you-kimi

[DeeGee]

I have never, ever in my life been as up and down with emotions as I am now. Never. Not having gone through a very painful divorce. Not having gone through the unexpected death of my beloved father to whom I was very close.

This is different. Way different.

Some days I seem somewhat better. Other days I am right back into the tearfulness. And yes there are times that I am angry.

And another thing, there was a poster here who talked about her mother getting involved with another guy within a month after the death of her dad. I think I can now see how easily this could happen. (Not that I have any other guy lurking in the wings, but if I did, who knows? I suspect I would at least be up for going out to dinner with someone and discussing the day's news, the weather, etc.)

This widowhood is a very lonely state of being. Even with the support of loving family members, which I have. My best friend, the person with whom I discussed everything is no longer here.

DeeGee

[deborah ogren]

Laurie,

Thank you for posting back to me. I do find alot of inner strenght when I'm able to post. The support here is wonderful. I know when Deb got cancer my whole world fell apart, including me having a stroke. Yes I was very angry that God took my Deb, she had been in my life for over 25 years, it seem so unfair. But watching her go threw all that pain, weight loss, and finally not being able to talk the last week was awful. But I had to keep it together for her, this wasn't about me, it was about her. The only thing that does keep me together, is I know she is no longer in pain, and that she is safe and in God's hands. I don't know why God took her from me but it was meant to be.

So I have to take care of me and start a new life without her. She never be far from me, because she will always be in my heart.

Deborah

[deborah ogren]

I'm glad that people can relate how we are feeling. When I hit the six month I thought I was losing my mind. It was is was today. Alot of people that I have talked to says that greiving doesn't have any time frame. I guess I'm learning that. I think that I have blocked out some of the last few days with my Deb. I know eventually it will hit me like a ton of bricks. When it happens it happens. I find myself trying my darnest not to be angry at my Deb for leaving me, after all she didn't wish for the cancer.

So I just pray and pray and put my life in God's hands, he will give me the strength to go on. I pray that Deb is watching over me, she will always be a part of me, and I'll always miss her.

Deborah

[deborah ogren]

DeeGee,

My heart goes out to you. Yes you are right there is so many emotions that we go threw in this greiving process.Sometimes we are sad, other times we cry, and then we are angry at the entire world.I think that when we are tearful it cleans our soul. I don't think there isn't a person on this website that hasn't experience these emotions. Just knowing that there are people out there that will help us due to this website.

We will survive this, I have to believe this. I will say a pray for you, and God will give you the inner strentgh you need. Take care of your self, and be kind to your self.

Deborah

[Korina]

Deb:

My feelings are certainly all over the place. One moment I am smiling at my little girl and laughing at her antics, and the next remembering/realizing I don't have Scott to share these beautiful moments with. And then reliving those last 3 days in the hospital. etc etc etc I guess it is part of the process. Right now, I am in the place where I trust it will get better (but who knows about 10 minutes from now ).

Korina

[JeanneC]

DeeGee:

You are so right about widowhood is a very lonely state of being. Nobody except us knows what it is like. I have lost many family members and some friends in my life. I lost my mom and dad. My mom was young, 62 (died 30 years ago) and I was 28, my dad was 89 (died 5 years ago). I took my mom's death quite hard. I was young and needed my mom. She was my friend. Talked on the phone 3 times a day. My dad and I got close after my mom died. Not that he should have died at 89, but he did live a good life. But there is nothing that compares to the death of my Alex. He died at 54. We were talking about where we would live when we retired. Now I have to think about retiring alone. I don't think I will ever marry again, if that should ever be presented to me. All I would like is to have someone and that person could be just a friend to go out to dinner and a show once a week. Maybe even someone to travel with. Or just to hang around. I eat lunch by myself and dinner by myself. Thank god I have a job to go to or I would totally go out of my mind.

So this is a very hard road for all of us no matter if we are alone or we do have family and friends that we see ocassionally.

Love,

Jeanne

[Kavish]

HI All,

My best friend died 4 months ago, and I feel the intensity of my friendship I had every day. I don't want the intensity to lessen at all as it makes me cry sometimes and the other times I feel happy that it asks me to seek her out in ways she would have tried to do things. I know I will be stronger with her guiding me every day of my life. I also believe it will bring me closer with her, she as in spiritual, and I in physical.

regards,

Kavish

[Fredzgirl]

Oh, those ups and downs! I'm lucky to have more good days than bad, so far. This has been mostly a good week. A new grandaughter was born Friday and I have been very wrapped up with helping my daughter and holding the baby. I took a week off work and that has been helpful. I come home from my daughter's house around dinner time and I've been going to bed at a reasonable hour and sleeping in. All was good in spite of Fred's birthday yesterday. Still I had a couple of hours the other day when I just fell apart. I don't think it was going through his clothes (I didn't get rid of anything, just sorted). I think it was flipping through his cookbooks. Fred loved to cook and the cookbooks are all his. I just started sobbing and couldn't catch my breath. I called his son and we commiserated for awhile and then I watched a movie to distract myself until I fell asleep. I hope you all will soon have more good days than bad if you don't already.