Missing Brian . . .

[LindaKoz]

This is my first post on this site. 3 1/2 weeks ago I lost the love of my life, Brian. We met 3 1/2 years ago and almost immediately knew that we were meant for each other. Our relationship blossomed and we planned to get married in a year or so. We were both divorced and amazed that we had finally found true, genunie love. I'm 48 and he was 53. We had so much fun during our time together. Our conversations were easy and endless. Brian was more than my fiancee, he became my best friend. He was genuine, humble, talented (played guitar, sang, and wrote songs). He loved me in a way that I had never experienced before. He accepted me for who I am and never asked that I change. And, I loved him back unconditionally. Four days before he passed away he experienced flu-like symptoms. Apparently he also developed some type of infection in his leg -- not sure what it was. The infection got into his blood stream and then he was gone.

I never knew that I could feel so much pain and emptiness. I don't want to eat. I don't sleep very well. I just want him back and I know that it won't happen until my time on earth is through. Thankfully I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends. And, I have faith that God is walking with me through this valley of grief. But, some days I just don't know how I am ever going to be able to live my life day after day without Brian. I've gone through the should haves and could haves in my mind to no avail. I've asked why a million times but there are no answers.

I've read some of the posts on here and I realize what I'm feeling and experiencing go hand in hand with the grief process. But, the pain is so new and so raw. Comfort is fleeting. I just thought this might be a good place to join so I could talk to others who understand and can empathize.

All replies and suggestions are welcome.

Peace and blessings,

Linda

[MartyT]

My dear Linda,

I'm deeply sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved Brian, but I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know that you've found your way to a safe and comforting place, where you are among so many compassionate and understanding friends. We will not let you travel this most difficult journey alone.

[Maryo]

Hi Linda,

I am sorry about the loss of your fiance Brian.This site has been very helpful to me. There are alot of kind and compassionate people here who understand all the pain that we must go through in order to heal.I am glad you have

support from your family. This journey is long and hard but time does help.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[Fredzgirl]

Dear Linda,

I'm so sorry that you lost your love ... and so suddenly. I'm glad that you have a support system around you and now you have us too. I think that helps a lot. Still, there will be times that you may feel alone in spite of having others around you. And no one has any idea what you are going through unless they have lost a love as well. As you read the posts here you'll see that everyone grieves differently. But I found that I've never posted anything on here without someone else having a similar experience. That has helped me feel less alone with my grief.

- Fredzgirl

[laurieb]

Dear Linda

I am so so sorry for the loss of your best friend. It was so recently and I am so glad you are with us and sharing already. You and your body are in shock and you need to remember to drink plenty of water as grieving can dehydrate you. I am glad you have faith so you know that he is not in pain and rather at complete and utter peace. Try not to think about the future. We only have today. That is what helped me when someone on her shared that. I still can't think of the future and it has been 7 months since I lost my husband. My husband, Scott died of an aortic dissection at 49. We were together at a meeting thursday night and all was great!!! the next morning I received a call that he was being taken by ambulance to the ER and the following day he died. So I know the shock you are in, its so horrible!!! I hope you stay with us. You can see if there is a grief share support group that you can go to. I go to one at a church on friday evenings. check out www.griefshare.org to see if they have one in your area. They also have daily emails tht are sent to me that are just such a daily blessing. Remember Linda, we grieve because we loved!!

hugs,

laurie

[kath]

Dear Linda,

I'm so sorry you are forced to face life without your beloved Brian. I know, it is a time when even the deepest faith can be tested, and while it is impossible to look at a future, it is possible to look at this second, or this minute. That is really what it takes in the beginning. Take care of yourself, because it isn't going to be easy. Rest when you can, eat when you think you can't, walk, talk and cry often. Love changes us all for the better, and it is that love that will carry you through.

In prayer,

Kath

[LindaKoz]

Thanks everyone for the messages and the support. I do get the griefshare e-mails and will consider attending meetins in the future. I'm just not ready right now. It helps to read all the posts on here and to know that I'm not alone. I try to be as strong as I can and to go on but sometimes I think people believe I am stronger than I am. For, you see, Brian was my strength and my foundation. I have to relearn who i am on my own.

I have a 19-year-old son who is in his sophmore year at college and he's really wonderful. He's only about 40 minutes away so I will get to see him as often as possible and he calls me frequently to check on me. Brian had five children (ages 13 through 25) and three grandchildren (4 1/2, 20 months, and 8 weeks). They will continue to be in my life and it is such a blessing to see our grandchildren. I want to be able to tell them all of my stories about Brian as they grow up. I remember Brian's joy when his latest grandson, Willem, was born. We were at the hospital and got to see him shortly after his birth. Brian was filled with joy and in the pictures you can see him beaming. Right now it is just so sad that he will not be able to see his grandchildren grow up. And, that's what is so unfair about his death, he will miss so much -- his daughter will graduate from college in May, he has children who are not married yet, and his youngest daughter is only 13.

I know that he is with us always and that he lives on in our hearts and our memories but I guess it is just too soon to find this comforting. Comfort is fleeting at best. I'm trying to be gentle with myself by making sure I eat, drink water, sleep, and breathe. My one good friend is a nurse so she checks on me every day at least once. There are so many angels in my life for which I am extremely thankful. And, God is my partner on this new journey.

Thanks again for the support. It really does help.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

Linda:

I also lost my husband to an infection very suddenly (though he was already not well) - it caught me by such surprise. Now everytime I hear the word "infection", it scares me.

As others have already said, the best you can do right now is take one day, one moment at a time. Your feelings may very likely swing wildly from one minute to the next. Just concentrate on dealing with these moments as they come. It is wonderful that you have a great support system. I also found that Scott's family, my family, and our friends have been of invaluable comfort (at times, we comfort each other). And our cats have been soothing, especially when one plops on my lap or curls up on our bed with me.

Take care,

Korina