furkid Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 While I did get one response on this, it was embedded in another discussion and I need more feedback. Is there somewhere, written down in the last 100 years, what the etiquette is for dealing with the spouse's family, after a death, with the holidays? I just want to know what my older relatives grew up knowing. I've decided that Thanksgiving will be with my family from now on, but I'm not sure about Christmas. The timing isn't working out with his family anymore. Also there're birthdays, weddings, etc. . . . . . . I love my husband's mother dearly. But my sister-in-law said I didn't need to worry about Christmas, etc. and I don't know what to do. Since there were no children, Randy was my only real tie to them, but I don't want to abandone them either. I'm so confused. I don't think I can get them all together on a different day. Usually by the time the spouse dies from old age, that's not as much of an issue. If they pass younger like some of ours have done, there are usually children and that establishes the connection. We chose not to have children, so there isn't as much of a connection. I'm sure there must be something written somewhere on this, ya think????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 I don't really have an anyswer but I think there has to be flexibility. You need to do what it right for you, especially this year when the loss is so fresh and so new. Brian and I hadn't gotten married yet (we were planning for 08/2011) but we lived together for three years. He had five children and three grandchildren. I have one son. I'm hoping to get together with his children/grandchildren the Sunday after Thanksgiving and sometime close to Christmas. We'll do whatever workds best. His mom and sisters lived in another state and I really didn't have a chance to get too close to them. They haven't chosen to reach out to me so I guess it's not relationships I need to worry about. I was at a seminar over the weekend for tips on surviving the holidays. They told us that we need to decide what is best for us. What traditions do we want to hold onto and where do we want to create new traditions. Another tip was that if you do not feel up to being with friends/relatives the entire day, just say that you will stop by for dessert. We are grieving deeply. We have lost the beloved people we intended to spend the rest of our lives with. The holidays are going to be tough and this is a time when we must be gentle with ourselves and listen to what our bodies and our emotions are saying. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
furkid Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks for the response. My problem is I want to stop for an hour before I go to my Mother's house, like we used to. (Although we used to stop over 3-4 hours then), but 2 of her kids are engaged to be married and won't be there until later in the afternoon. Last year we went there and Randy was feeling so poorly. And they weren't expecting anyone for another hour. They had changed the times for everything, but neglected to tell us. I was a little peeved. So I don't want a repeat of that this year, especially without Randy. I just don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 I think I replied to your previous post, but to reiterate, if you have a good relationship with your inlaws, to me, there is no reason you shouldn't spend time with them, holidays or otherwise, though you probably shouldn't worry about splitting your time 50-50. If timing is awkward, is it possible to stop by on Boxing Day, perhaps. Holidays such as Christmas can be tiring at the best of times, so perhaps there is no need to squeeze everything in one day...remember you need to take care of yourself and pace yourself. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 I wonder what would happen if you simply called your mother-in-law and asked if you could discuss this with her? Your intentions are noble and your objective is clear: You love this woman dearly and you want to maintain some sort of connection with her, but you're not sure how to do that, given the fact that your husband (her son) has died. This feels awkward and unfamiliar to you, you don't want to offend anyone, and you're not sure what the "rules" of etiquette are or what the protocol should be. Why not speak to her from that place of love in your heart, so that the two of you can work out a solution to your dilemma that works for both of you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
furkid Posted November 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Actually I did talk to her, she goes to her daughter's house on Christmas Day. They go to my Brother-in-laws father's house on Christmas Eve. Evidently my sister-in-law relayed to my mother-in-law, and then to me, that I shouldn't worry about buying anybody gifts anymore, or getting together with them on Christmas. I know she meant it in the best possible way, but I didn't take as well as she meant it I guess. I still was going to buy everyone a little something, especially her daughter who is still in high school. I guess I just with Randy were here to help me know what I should do, or miss manners or someone. Thanks for trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Hi Furkid, I understand that you want to do what it right, but you also need to be concerned about what you are able to do. Don't add more stress to your life if you can help it. If you can stop by for a short time, that is great. If you want to buy small gifts, I think that would be fine. I don't think there are any right and wrong answers on this grief journey. It sounds to me like they are trying to make the holidays easier for you because they know you are grieving. I know that you wish Randy was here to help you and I know how much it hurts. I've been trading a lot of texts messages with Brian's children trying to coordinate a date when we can all get together and it's getting frustrating. This was something he took care of (now I understand that it was just difficult to coordinate schedules). My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. Hugs. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. B Posted November 23, 2009 Report Share Posted November 23, 2009 Hi, The holidays are going to be good for me in the repect that I am having all my children home and their spouses over night at that. First time since they all go married. It will be my grandsons first Christmas and it will be here. I am so excited and happy. Even my stepdaughter will be here.She told her real mom that I needed her this year and she needs us. Her mom tried to make her feel guilty but it didnt work on her. I will just about feel whole again. For a little while anyway. The sad thing is that Ricks parents havent even stopped in once since March. It hurts. I have made several trips out to see them and called. She hasnt even called to see how I am or how her granddaughter is. Im the one that has to call. I spent last christmas with them even though Rick was home sick in bed during the holidays. It was what we did, take turns between our parent homes every other year and now it is my parents turn. I will go out for a visit. It will probably feel awkward even though i love the whole family dearly. None of them have called to see how I am. Its another step that i will have go over. My stepdaughter is even peeved with her grandparents. It will be hard though . Do I put up her daddy sock. At least my family will talk about rick and things at the table and laugh and joke. His family dosent even mention him and that makes me so angry. Only time it happens is when i talk about him. Guess everyone deals differently. Now with that said I feel a little lighter. Have a goodnight all. Mrs. B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
furkid Posted November 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2009 We used to alternate families for Thanksgiving and hit both Christmas day. Christmas Day was never easy, although his sister is less than 10 min away and my family is 15-20 min away. Still we would go to one house, unload all the gifts, stay as long as possible. Then go back to our house, unload the gifts we got, load up the gifts and dish to pass for my family, then off to my Mom's house. Our neighbor had us over late Christmas eve so we used to open our gifts before we went to her house. Then we would open the pet's gifts Christmas morning. My mom offered to come over to help me decorate, but I don't even want to. Not much anyway. I feel I should be helping her out. My father passed away in March. 2 months before my Husband. In my Father's case though, his alzheimers was advancing and he had developed some kind of lung desease. One day they went to pick up my Mom's glasses and as they got there my father said he wasn't feeling good. My Mom drove home, he got one foot out of the car and was gone from a heart attack. He never went into a nursing home, which my mom was dreading. And he still remembered all his children and most of his Grandchildren too. So it was good, just hard due to the timing. My poor sisters in Texas and Utah had to fly to Buffalo, NY 2 time in 3 months. Bless their hearts, and all their vital organs. My Mom is doing amazingly well, but my father hadn't been himself for several years, so maybe that made a difference. Gosh, I do go off on tangents don't I. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have known so many people that have passed this year, it's scary. We all know this is the crappiest (Ooo, can I say that?) year possible. I do wish you all the best. Most of you are looking forward to kids on Christmas, so focus on that as much as possible. I do have some good friends and we get together after Christmas and give each other little $10 gifts. Some do home-made things. Some just get nice things at the 75% off sales after Christmas. I'm looking forward to the party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 24, 2009 Report Share Posted November 24, 2009 Maybe it is because we are feeling ours losses so keenly that we are more aware of other deaths? I don't know, but a couple of other people I know have had a lot of deaths within their circle, and as well, several other acquaintances or higher profile folks in our city have died, as well... And it was Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett dying just after Scott. Well, I guess there is a lot of company up in heaven - maybe they are having a big party! That makes me smile, if only for a moment. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted November 24, 2009 Report Share Posted November 24, 2009 I don't know what the "proper" thing to do is. I guess I don't pay much attention if I'm doing something that feels right. I was afraid of losing contact with Bob's family. Especially with kids, I need to keep those ties strong. I want them to grow up knowing the people closest to their dad. (They walk alike, they talk alike, they share the same stories growing up.) Even though, sometimes I feel like I am overlooked or they don't respond in a way that I would, I tend to look past it. They are different than my family in a lot of ways. They always have been. They never mention his name and they were really close. I was surprised one day after talking to Bob's brother about some of the challenges of single parenting, he said I was doing a "great job." That floored me coming from him. I do respect them and try to stay connected, even though it isn't nearly as much as when Bob were here. Bob has an adult daughter whom I love dearly. Her and her husband are always welcome and even though they have to divide time between their "real" parents, I extend the invitation every year. They are as important to me as my own children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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