Victim

[JohnG]

Over the weekend It became obvious to me how much of a victim I felt I had become. Almost everything that happens now whether it's the guilt from people telling me I shouldn't let it get me down to getting half way home and discovering soy milk was left out of my coffee, I feel bad, victimized. I don't want this! I am strong, I know this. I know I will come out the other end of this horrible journey, not the same but alive. How do we differentiate the sadness of normal grief from the reaction of feeling like "one more injustice" heaped upon us?

I don't know if this really makes any sense, it's a feeling that was with me all weekend. I want to be sad but I don't want to feel like a victim.

[MartyT]

John, dear ~ You may find these posts helpful:

It's Not Fair!

Searching for Meaning

[CMoonlight]

Good morning John,

Feeling victimized by what You are going through is unfortunately part of grieving for some of us. You have become sensitized to the entire world in general and all that it is throwing at You now.

John, for what it's worth, try not to "differentiate" what is normal and what is another injustice as they truly are one in the same and are part of the living hell that we have to go through in dealing with our grief.

I know all too well the entire grief thing totally sucks and at times is almost unbearable to deal with but You will get through it. We all do and have to.

I have found that one of the reasons others say the things they do is because they can't handle seeing You in so much pain and that You are a preview of "coming attractions". A lot of them just can't deal with that but they truly are well intentioned.

Also, the forgetfulness will get better but I know where You are coming from....at times we do feel that we are in fact going out of our minds but it's normal and we have to somehow, some way accept all of these things.

I hope this helps You in some way. Try and stay strong and have as nice a day as is possible. John

[Korina]

I have found a lot of anger in my grief these days, as well. However, the way I look at it, the world can throw all the crap it wants at me, because nothing compares to my love being taken away. Everything else (the bad things) so far seems trivial. Maybe I just have sensory overload...?

Korina

[pier472000]

This is so familiar sounding to me. Its been 10 months since Tom's death and I got to the point where I couldn't handle anything else going wrong. It seemed as though anything in my house that could break, leak, fall over etc etc did. I vowed that at midnight on Jan 1, 2010 I was going outside in the snow and cold to howl at the Blue Moon - and I did - to kick off the dust from 2009. Having such a trauma as losing your spouse seems to create extreme emotional reactions to life's added trials.

[kayc]

I remember when I lost George I felt like all of my power had been stripped from me. After all, noone asked me if I wanted to lose my husband! No one asked me if I wanted to check the "single" spot on a form! No one asked me if I wanted to live alone or sit alone at church. This was a club I had not asked to join!

One of the things I did to help overcome my feelings of powerlessness is to take back my own power in ways that I could, like my health...I could choose to eat healthy, I could choose to take walks. I acquired new pets. I did what I could around the place, including things I hadn't done before. And I felt George would be proud of me. When my job ended, I worked hard at getting a new one, and again, I knew George was bursting his buttons in heaven at the news of my new job.

We can't help the things that were taken from us without our say so, but we can choose to make good positive decisions and actions in the areas that are ours to make. You are no victim...we are each brave and should be commended for our bravery in face of adversity...I know we didn't ask for it, but it is ours, and we're all making the best of it.

[Susie Q]

All of the posts here demonstrate how resilient we are in the face of these overwhelming odds. Just being here on this site is an example of how we are trying to make the best sense of this horror time in our lives.

Yesterday I was told (in a nice way) that I would find out as a result of this tremendous loss that I could do more and be more than I ever thought possible. My relative said that the reality is that when you are down the best person to help you get up is yourself. He hastened to add that others want to help but don't know how, so making a start (or having a go at something) lets others see ways they can contribute. I thought they were wise words.

Maybe that's the difference John, between feeling like a victim in our bad times, and I wouldn't blame any of us for that, and acting like a victim all of the time.