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We Stand Together Or Not?


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OK EVERYONE,

I can see that as far I have been on this site (not that long 5mos)..This is the first Family Quarrel...

I can see both sides to this issue..just like I always do and just like I did when my Husband and I were having a debate..I am going to keep Personal feelings out of this...

..If your needs are not being met then Ron you need to find a site or a group where they will..I spare my feelings here openly and look for love and encouragement and a kind word or just to have someone who has the "littlest" idea of how I feel and understand How Big My Love is and respond back..I try to offer Humor, Love and the Best to my entries because I sincerely mean them and the Pain that I feel is not anything that I wish on anyone..If I am having a bad day..It the stress, loneliness, financial, having to be Mom and Dad now...to a 18 yr old Son who graduates this year and will be going to college gets to me and I am sad..I have the right to be "Depressed and Low" and it doesn't mean I am not a POSITIVE PERSON...If I have to try to fill the void of every conversation with his "Son" that said..."I LOVE YOU SON".or His Multiple times a day said.."HI, Pal"..or the card I found right after he Passed that declared His Unconditional Love for our Son..(and I will post it because it is the most beautiful card I've read)..Unfortunately, Grief is not Pretty or at times Hopeful and certainly not Peaceful ..

That is why it is called the "Grim Reaper" and it turns the most BEAUTIFUL people into something Unknown...

Forums are for people to express themselves Good, Bad and Indifferent and Unfortunately not everyday we feel like writing an inspiring POEM or a Telling the World that "THE GRASS IS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE" this is Grief and

and you know what......"IT STINKS"...and the saying, "S____s's to Be You...You Got that Right..

Love and Peace,

Let's try to understand one another better..We were given the Strength to Reach Out.

Babs.

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Sorry, Babs - - I believe that I found what you were talking about under Behaviors in Bereavement. I guess that I am so absorbed in my own grief that I rarely, if ever, read posts under anything other than loss of a spouse. When I did read some posts that I believe you are referring to, my first impulse was to jump in to defend Marty, but decided (I hope rightly so) that Marty is extremely capable of defending herself. I am so grateful to Marty for establishing this site and giving us all a forum where we can find loving, caring people who actually "get it." But at least now I understand your post and appreciate what you wrote. Actually, when I read the posts under Behaviors, it almost felt good to have something tangible to get angry at. I seem to get so angry sometimes and I don't even know why.

Kathy

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By the way, my take is that we stand together. I have been on this site for a year. I have even met good friends here and think of us all as a family. I believe that if any one here needed help that I was capable of giving, I would be there to give it. I believe the one positive that has come to me out of this terrible grief is the bond that I feel with other site members.

Kathy

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Kathy,

I did not mean to be rude..and We are all Appreciate a Place to Talk...I am playing the Devil Advocate...I find that wording so funny...A Relative told that to my Husband during a deep conversation that he was "Playing the Devil's Advocate" (I remember the look on Dave's face) The Devil's Advocate just met his Maker...ha...

We all have different feelings here and also so many of the same..so.so..many..Marty has her hands full with so many different types of personalities...that is the thing...in so many ways we share the experiences but just like a tree..We have branched out in so many directions and together we feed the EARTH...or it feeds US.

Love and Peace,

Babs

**I would also like to add that Marty needs to "Analyze" the conversations for she has opened her Heart and Her Knowledge and this Web Site... and put aside her Friendship she has a Duty to make sure that People who visit and correspond to this website are SAFE..**So please understand her position as well...

Peace and Love.

Babs

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Dear Babs,

I can see you and I have a lot in common in wanting to be the peacemakers. I was the go-between for my husband and his daughter, for relationships at work and I can't keep myself from standing up for my friends. I thought long and hard about the conversation that was unfolding. It angered me so I prayed about it. And that opened my eyes to the pain each of us has to endure. Pain is expressed differently for all of us. For my son it is a reaction and anything in his path will get the brunt of it, for my daughter tears, for me deep, intense hurt that literally brings me to my knees. I'm not so vain to think any of my words make a difference here. It is, though, a place where I have been able to share the depths of my aches, joys, discoveries, to tell my story. The topic was one I had pondered quite often. What is the end of this road like? I haven't seen it yet, but I have seen it in others. To me it looks like tolerance, patience and a willingness to reach out. I hope I get there someday. For now, it just feels like lonliness.

Kath

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Babs - - I didn't find your post rude. In fact, I almost feel that I could have written it myself. I'm pleased that you and other peacemakers are on this site, but I would expect nothing less. I like to think that I am that way, too. It's just that sometimes I'm not as brave as I should be.

Kathy

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My patience, tolerance and willingness to accept advice has been sorely tested over the last 5 horrible months. I have wanted to lash out and respond with a sharp tongue every day. This is not the norm for me and I have been less than gracious on a few occasions (in my defence - due to extreme provocation). I am grateful for my family and friends who see through my hurt and recognise that on these occasions it is my tiredness, fragile emotional state, anger and despair talking and that the 'old me' is still struggling to make a comeback.

I feel sorry for Ron B's pain that leads him to so much anger and I admire Marty for her heartfelt response to him.

He has reflected on the reactions of others and come back with an apology. This is a sign of character, self-awareness and some inner healing.

This site is a truly remarkable 'place'. I'm glad I found it.

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Kathy,

When I read your response I felt like I wanted to cry for You, Me and Everyone else who has to deal with uncertainty of our situations..the moods, the loneliness.. at times the anger..then comes the laughter for a little bit and as fast as it comes and goes..for now anyway..

..We are doing things now that we wouldn't have imagined years ago..Belonging to Grief Groups..Trying to connect to the "Spirit World" to Research things we may have not given to much thought to...To try to Be the Strong One but really deep inside feel like the Smallest Person in The Group at times..

..I have dealt with more things in the last 5mos that would take normally Five Years or Maybe a Lifetime for some..

On top of the fact I have not had any Intimacy for over 5mos..I have had more Financial problems that I can comprehend on top of trying to Give the Love and Support I need to with Our Son but Inside feel like a Very Broken Women at This Time..I know I need to keep moving but Somedays my Legs just don't want too..I feel like I am an Ocean away from my Son..and I think He is harder on Me now than ever..He is our Only Child..and My Baby and that really Hurts sometimes..and I need to Have Patience and I think this is One of My Biggest Lessons and Challenges..

..After my Husband passed I felt extremely Angry and Lashed out very quickly..If you didn't "Get Me" I let you know it right away..I try real hard now to think it through before I respond and when I do, Most of the Time I back what I Say and I Stand by How and What I Feel.. I have told you all before that I remember thinking, "How can you take My Husband and Leave some of these Crappy People Here?", I remember driving one day and thinking

"I Hate People, I Really Do"..I feel bad about those feelings but they were there and at the time I did mean them.

I know "My God" Forgives Me and Understands and Expected It from Me..So I continue to Try..Just Like You All.

I Think One of Readers was in the Stage of Anger..Not Feeling Understood..and Feeling Like They Were continually being slammed back to the pavement..I think one of the stages we deal with is a very low Tolerance and Easily Aggravated.. It is not Personal..and when You are part of a Group or A Family is where you tend to "Let it Loose"

My Family has seen this within Me and I am Grateful that they still continue to Talk to Me (Ha)

I am not pleased with this thought but I probably will be quick to speak again at some point..as I work through this process..this very Unfamiliar Road. (As I am writing I have the TV on and on this show came a "Groovy Song" and I just visualized "Swaying to the Beat with My Husband"..Yes, I just felt alittle bit of Anger and alot of Sadness...(within that One Moment)...Kathy.. I wish we could just meet for awhile and quietly Talk..About our Lives, our Loves, our Family..the Past, the Present and the Future..I wish many of us can meet but for now we do it through here and other sites..we come together and we be Who we are In the Moment..I am glad that we share..Even though it may sound Negative "Our Raw Emotions" are Real and it can turn something Positive..

Dumb as it sounds, Thank you..Ron,Kathy, Marsha and Susie Q for not being Perfect and willing to share Your Truth at the Time..It helps Me to Grow and Be Stronger..Thank you to All..

Love and Peace,

Babs

ps Kathy...YOU ARE VERY BRAVE!! and Your feedback whether you agree with my

posts or not mean Everything to Me..I value your Opinion and Your Honesty..and you are not alone when it comes to the loneliness..It brings me to My Knees also..I relate so much!! and Most importantly Your Husband Knows you are Brave and also does "Your God"...You do Have a Story and It is Very Important.

also if anyone finds the time to read or Calmness to try to read:

"Follow the River" by James Alexander Thom Author of "Warrior Woman"..It is a Real Life story dating back to 1755 about a women named Mary Ingles. Even though it is not exactly what we are all going through it is about a Very Strong Person who Overcomes Many Challenges..I think many will enjoy it and maybe find strenght from the story..Books of all types are my Strength and I look forward to the time when I can utilize them in my Journey also..

Sorry so long and Thanks to You All who have Hung Out to The End..

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First of all Vickie...My name on this Site is not....Babbs.

I do not know who Ron is personally and I have no problems with Him or His Entries. As for the "Intimacy" comment, I was stating the fact that I and My Husband no Longer can share Intimacy and it doesn't have to be SEXUAL to be INTIMATE..So sorry you Misunderstand this..I don't need sex with my Husband to be Intimate..Your well thought out comment "Did Ron Hit it on Me"? How is that possible when You are All a Time Zone Away. You openly disrespected Ron, My Son and MySelf..My Husband is Dead.. and Marty can speak for herself if she thinks I have been not been Respectable to Her which I have never meant to..I find her Knowledge and Beauty another Hand from God. I can't believe that I reach out for help and do the best to offer it and I get Slammed..

Babs.

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Dear Babs:

I have been on this site almost 2 years. This is the first time that I have seen a conflict between posters.

I am not defending Vickie or anyone else, but as far as her stating you name as Babbs instead of Babs is a mistake that many of us make. It's a typographical error - nothing more.

We understand each other here. We are all grieving and our emotions get the best of us. Nobody is slamming anyone.

I can speak for myself and I guess others and say that sometimes we do not know what to say and how to put it into words. We try our best in comforting others. I find everyone here to be my dear friend in this tough time that we are going through.

I hope that you will try to understand what I am saying and hope that I did not insult you.

Please know that we are all here for you.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

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Jeanne,

First of all I Appreciate your kind and thoughtful words..and I have already seen conflict on this site..

I don't think asking someone who is on a Spousal Bereavement Site if they are in a "Hit On Situation" and basically is there "Bad Feelings" because of it..I have no Idea where that comment came from and It is

In appropriate and I am not afraid to speak my mind...This was said in Open Forum and I have every right to respond..If the responder read by entries they would know my Name I have posted many entries here..If your going to respond then read it all and know what you are talking about.

I don't come to this site looking for conflict..just the opposite..

Babs

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Everyone,

I do not understand what is going on here. I come to this site for comfort and understanding and all I see lately is conflict. I agree with Jeanne, our emotions get the best of us sometimes and the words do not come out the right way. No one here is trying to hurt anyone. I consider everyone here friends. These friends are helping me through this journey and I hope that I am helping them .... although I am one that has a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

We are all doing our best to deal with the ups and downs of this journey that we are on. Let's just try to be there for each other.

Take care, Kat

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Guest Vickie O'Neil

Dear Babs,

Sorry about the typo on your name, my name has been frequently misspelled,& that's OK. I sincerely apologize for offending you in any thing that I said, I did not mean to. It's true I didn't read I didn't research all of your posts, & since people write on many threads here I may never have found it anyway. I misinterpreted what you were trying to say & have highly offended you. It was not at all my intention. As I said I was trying to Read Between the Lines! Read again my post & I talk about intimacy, hugs, not just sexuality. I'm confident Marty would have removed my post had she found it offensive.

I'm not here to add fuel to the flames, I'm sorry you are upset & glad you were able to vent.

Vickie

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I have not been posting lately, but I have been reading; even so, I feel like I must have missed something. I don't understand this post. I don't know who Ron is. Or why you'd post in Behaviors and then address it in Loss of Spouse. Or why you'd be upset with a typo. If you have a problem with someone, maybe you could send them a personal message to try to resolve it rather than a post that everyone else reads. And you're right, Kathy, Marty can handle herself. :)

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Babs, your reply to my 'apology' in the Behaviors forum was beautiful. Turning the hangman's noose into a swing for two was a bit of genius.

Don't worry about the people in this thread faulting you. Some people are just that way. They can't see the way forward is through kindness. Carrot and the stick thing; I too have been feeling the stick a bit lately.

I am glad for your friendship.

Ron B.

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There have always been the most wonderful kind people here and we never had any problem until VERY recently. If you want kindness, start by being kind...don't be quick to jump down someone's throat. Go back and read their old posts...these people here have earned respect already. There has never ever been any of this petty bickering or defensiveness. This is a forum for healing, encouragement, wisdom, we don't have time for anything else.

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I have to agree with Kay.

This to me has been very upsetting. In fact shocking. I do not appreciate anyone attacking anyone.

Sometimes the advice that is given is not the best for everyone, but we appreciate whatever is given and move on.

This is not a debate forum.

God Bless,

Jeanne

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