What Really Matters

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

While doing some other work online today, I found an article that contains the following passage. I think it speaks eloquently to the matter of what qualifies any one of us to speak to another about their grief. In the end, it is what is in our hearts that really matters:

Some time ago I was invited to speak to a group of bereaved parents. Before I began the seminar a man stood up and asked if I had a child that had died and if I didn't what right did I have to be leading this group? After more than a decade of sitting with families struggling to integrate the death of a child, I was able to honestly say to this man: "When your child dies, my child dies! In sitting with you with an open heart, I sacrifice my innocence, my arrogance, in thinking that I am safer than you are." We are all at risk at all times. The only mistake I can make in being with a friend or family member who is grieving is separating myself from them. The only error is in trying to touch your pain with my mind instead of with my heart. The fear of contagion, the fear of getting too close to grief and "catching it" keeps us isolated.

The wisdom that teaches us that we have all been exposed to loss from the moment of our birth keeps us connected to each other. Say what is in your heart, and if there are no words, trust the silence. Do what is in your heart, and if there is nothing to do, do nothing with your heart open.

[Excerpted from the article

Simple Presence, Open Heart, which was itself excerpted from the beautiful book Good Grief: Healing through the Shadow of Loss by Debra Morris Corryell]

[marsha]

Marty - so true! I can't tell you how many times I thought to myself, silently, "you have no idea of what I'm going through". And it's true - no one else knows our personal grief, because it IS personal. But it's the human connection that made me, slowly, realize that no one gets out of here alive. Friends opened their wounded hearts to me, and in turn, I to them. As I wrote in my journal today, I realized this - the first months I was faking it till I made it. I can't say I've made it, Lord knows, it's a struggle - but..from comparing this year to last I can now actually listen to what people are saying--between the lines. I need this connection, for my friends, but, maybe selfishly, more for me. Hugs, girl - Marsha

[kath]

Marty,

That speaker said it so well. Marsha, I think you wrote a little while ago about customers that have come into your deli and opened their heart to acknowledge your grief. I've had experiences too where sharing something has brought up losses that others have shared with me. These have been at work, where it is normally joking or high stress. (Not too much in between.) It always softens me. To see that vulnerability in others. It bonds us as well, sadly, but in a gentle way. There is an understanding of the heart where loss is concerned. But it is exactly the knowledge that someone else's situation could be ours as well that moves us to action. That must be the reason for the hotdishes!

[azusaman]

Marty, that was great...very well said by the author. I've said this before but it needs repeating, you do a fantastic job as admin. of this site and I hope everyone on here appreciates the work you do.

Best,

Ted

[Kat2005]

Marty,

How true! I too would like to thank your for being there for all of us.

Kat

[JeanneC]

Yes Marty you have always been there and still are for me.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[kayc]

Marty,

Your response reminds me of another scenario years ago...I was working for an orthotic and prosthetic facility. My boss was attending to a patient's needs...the patient was missing his leg and my boss was making him a new one. The patient inquired if my boss was missing a leg and then proceeded to tell him he didn't think he could possibly help him if he wasn't missing any limbs himself. My boss (whose father was an amputee) was the inventor of the Myoelectric Prosthesis (moved by musclulature structure, otherwise known as the Bionic Arm) and great in his field. He replied that he wasn't going to cut off his leg just to please him, but he could make him a good limb if he wanted him to.

Sometimes we cut off our nose to spite our face when we refuse good help from experts who may or may not have walked in our exact shoes, but may have great understanding of our situation and good insight and expertise to share.