What Do I Do Now?

[goldsunshine897]

It's been 9 months since my boyfriend died and I'm not totally sure if I am doing well or not. I mean I can still go to work everyday and most days I manage not to cry, but I dont think that I am really living life. I'm just surviving. I'm embarassed to say this to people but I led a very sheltered life before I met Bruce. And even while living with him I didn't do much outside of him. I just went to work and school and then came home. Now that he's gone I hear so much about learning to enjoy life again, but I always lived in fear of life and other people. During the 8 yrs we lived together I managed to put my project of becoming my own person on the shelf, and I just lived vicariously thru him. Which was very easy to do- I was introverted, he was extroverted and always very exciting to be around. Now I have to remember to work on me. I think that he would want me to be my own woman. I do believe that he is in heaven now and that I will see him one day- my faith in the Bible was the only thing that helped me deal with his death. I want to show Bruce that within the next year I will finally learn to enjoy life and make the best of it.

[spela]

I've been wondering the same thing. What to do now when nothing seems important? It's been only six weeks since he died but I don't think it will be different after nine months ... You don't have to try not to cry. Crying is healing. Though I often have a feeling I won't be able to stop ... I believe my dearest friend is with me all the time - and that helps. You have loved - and therefore you know what is important. Try to find comfort in your belief that your boyfriend is in Heaven. You can still talk to him, tell him how you feel. i'm sure he knows ...

There are things that make grieving harder - things that people around you expect from you. People who don't understand. People who say stupid and horrible things like "you should forget and live on". But you can't forget the person who means to you everything in the world! Or they say that the pain goes away as times goes by. But it doesn't. I don't think so. But I believe that you learn to live with that pain, accept it, find some meaning. Look at it from another point of view. Don't think that something is wrong with you if you feel the way you feel! You have every right to! I don't go out, I rarely answer the phone, I avoid conversation and "small talk". I can't! I can't pretend that everything is the same! Because it's not. Those who don't understand that are just not important.

May I ask you how old you are? I'll be 27 in April. The boy that I love was 32. He had cancer. the only wish I had for the last three years didn't come true. He died. At least I had a chance to be with him, to hold his hand, tell him that he's not alone and that I will always love him...

[shell]

Dear Spela and Goldsunshine,

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but I lost the love of my life 25 years ago. We were both in our twenties. I finally went on with my life, although it took me years to cope at all with his death. I even married twice. I am now 52 and realize he is still the love of my life and always will be. But I think my point is, they will always be the love of your life, but you will move on, so to speak, and love again someday. Maybe in a different way, but a good way. Hang in there and good luck with your healing,

Shell

[dpodesta]

I lost my wife 8 weeks ago, but I still think it applies. Like you, she was the love of my life, I put everything I had into making our lives together. Now that she is gone, I am faced with the question of "Who am I". I haven't found the answer yet, but I know it will come in time. You mentioned your faith in the bible. Continue to read the bible and pray, God has an answer for you just remember that His answer will come in His time, but it will be there and sometimes in places we weren't even looking. I am the same way, I try to find other things to work on so I don't have to look at me, but now I have to change that. If you like to read, there are a ton of books out there on grief check out "Confused" in the "Loss of a Spouse" forum Dusky replied to me with a list of 41 books that he has read that have helped him. Hope this is useful, I will keep you in my prayers.

Derek

[MzzButterfly]

I lost my husband unexpectedly nine weeks ago. We would have been married 18 years in June. I too am dealing with "who am I"? It is so hard to spend more then half your life with someone and then in the blink of an eye he is taken away. He could always make me laugh even when I was having a not so good day. Just thinking of him makes me smile. Some days are harder than others. I really don't even know where or how to begin to heal. Right now I feel like I never will. Maybe once I do then I will begin to learn who I am. I am in the process of reading a book right now that is a very good one. It is called How to go on when someone you love dies. It has been helpful to me. Finding this place to come to is wonderful. Hope you keep reading and writing to us.

Take Care,

Mzz.Butterfly

[shell]

Mzz. Butterfly,

I think you are right, that as you read and learn to deal with your grief, you will learn more about yourself. I know I learned so much about myself through this grief process, things I had never thought about before. It is really quite an eye-opening experience, which can be good. I also feel that it has made me a better person in some ways and stronger (well, most of the time anyway! I still have my days when I feel like a basket case who can't handle anything!) But as time goes along, it does get different and you learn to cope a little better, even though right now it seems impossible.

I hope for better days for all of you.

Hugs,

Shell